• Member Since 30th Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen March 17th

Lunaexcelsior


The true beauty of our life and our existence can be explained by the starry night sky. For the stars know the truth of beauty, which is that much stronger once it's paired with its dark background

T
Source

This story is a sequel to Umbra Memoria


After escaping Basilisk' evil coils, twice, the exiled prince of Tartarus, Darkrim, has taken up Luna's training in order to better his mind and improve his magic. However, due to Luna's royal duties, Princess Celestia has requested that he takes upon studying magic with Twilight as well, to improve upon his chances of the defeating the malicious serpent, once and for all. How will he get along with the Elements of Harmony? Will they be able to withstand the force of darkness that lurk in the shadows, ready to pounce at any given moment? Find out in this installment!

Chapters (13)
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Comments ( 59 )

So they have a virtual reality? Are they on the Enterprise and boldly going where nopony has gone before?
farm8.staticflickr.com/7074/7314398116_82582e3c71_b.jpg


Now you're doing the comma thing on purpose.

In that moment the three beasts have

*had

late, as

no need for a comma

it yelled

*he

“It’s alright, I understand”, he said, “but it is suspicious that he isn’t answering, considering that he replied to nearly every letter he got from Celestia in the past.”
“So something is going down in Tartarus”, Luna said as her fears were confirmed.

You didn't separate, or the system didn't work.

training prince

*training, prince

Darkrim felt as a huge weight has been put on his shoulders.

Darkrim felt like a huge weight had been put on his shoulders.

6333264 Something like that. And trust me I am really bad with commas. They're my one true weakness!gemmabrocato.com/uploads/1/9/5/4/19548263/7488823_orig.jpg

6333312 Yes. I keep telling you they go before the dialogue quotations and you keep putting them outside.

Love the concept of metaphysical dream training. You could train entire armies if you were powerful enough

So something wrong in Tartarus? We can think of a few suspects. But after those twists you threw in your last story, still can't get over that, we'll hold off judgment. Looking forward to the next chapter, this third installment of the prince's saga is off to a good start already. Hoping to hear more about certain characters introduced in your last one.

6334028 How do you think the Lunar Brigade came to be lol?

If we are thinking of the same guy, then trust me, there is going to be quite a lot with him. The next chapter should be even more interesting, so be on the lok out for it.

So Radifus does care about Darkrim? Starting to rethink our opinion of him... just a little. And our opinion of Ares is has not improved, the @%*^(@#@# jerk.

Also, it's starting to sound like Radifus' may have some good intentions with his goal. But then again, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions".

Can't wait for more. :twilightsmile:

Ah. I knew there was a higher plan for Radifus. Aside from his relationship to the ruler of Hades, Darkrim has no actual use or purpose outside of that place, especially considering he's been banished.


'The art of conquest”

Single quotes. You accidentally singled then doubled.

overlooking some of his designated paperwork, as he heard a loud knock, followed

*paperwork when he heard a loud knock quickly followed

What is that suppose to mean

*supposed

and expose Hades

*exposed

strike and take

*taken

throne. However, you decided to jump into action and now I am cleaning up your mess.”
“And you’re doing a bang up job of it,” Ares commented.

There's no separation between these two pieces of dialogue.

“Fine,” Radifus sighed “Then what do you propose we do?”
“I am glad you asked,” Iracundia said with a pleased smile “Bring him in boys!”

Same as above.

to me little ol’ me

*to be

So what is this thing?” Radifus asked Ares.
“This thing,” Ares began “is the majestic Makita, a beast found in the darkest parts of Tartarus. It is a prime hunter, responsive to any order, given to it by its master. Which just happens to me little ol’ me,” Ares finished with a proud smile.

Same space issue.

“Thank you.” Iracundia said proudly “Oh yeah, before I forget: I am going to need a photo of Darkrim, just so Makita knows what it is searching for.”
“Of course,” Radifus said and walked up to his drawer.

Space.

He pulled out a picture of him, before the transformation took place, and Darkrim, studying at the ambrosia fields.

This sentence doesn't make sense.

‘Communication spells”

Single and double quotes again.

“Sad to say, nothing good,” Radifus replied with a worried look on his face.
“Wouldn’t be expecting anything else,” Grimoire said and shook his head “So what’s the scoop, my man?”

Spacing.

with bat like

*bat-like

“Sad to say, nothing good,” Radifus replied with a worried look on his face.
“Wouldn’t be expecting anything else,” Grimoire said and shook his head “So what’s the scoop, my man?”

Space.

You did the comma thing once this time. Great!

In one sentence you told everyone what you thought about Angel Bunny, classic.

Some nice callbacks to episodes, Rutherford really was a jerk.

Also, you kind of messed up a little. Darkrim was never mentioned by name in the letter, but they said it anyway, and then later on you the name was forgotten. Just a little mistake.

Awaiting their visit to the castle. Also wondering what a few of the mares' reactions are gonna be when they meet the prince, heehee :raritystarry:

Rather quick, but you did portray them in character and this is definitely not something that should be forced along an unnecessary length.


“This is big Spike!”

Hello, Big Spike. (you forgot to separate the pronoun from the rest of the sentence with a comma).

her eyes to go in circle

I don't understand what this is supposed to mean.

“Oh just a little baking accident that’s all,” Pinkie smiled as she licked her head clean in one, fairly impressive, lick.
"What brings you here?” Pinkie asked “Do you need some cakes? Or pies? Or cupcakes? Or some Gummy cakes?” she laughed as she pulled out her pet alligator covered in cake frosting.

Spacing.

“Pinkie Pie, I was going to say that,” Twilight scolded her.
“Really? Who is this new pony?” Rarity asked in surprise.

Spacing.

“Now, Angle could you at least try to eat this,”

Angle?
tshirtgroove.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/angles-angels-halos-t-shirt.jpg

“I don’t know”, Fluttershy began to mumble

know”, Fluttershy

,

*deep inhale*
img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140215035349/creepypasta/images/6/6b/That_really_rustled_my_jimmies.jpg

6358326 I tried to keep this chapter as short as possible since it is only an introductory chapter. i'll try to make the next one a bit longer.
And son of a gun! That one totally slipped under my radar!

It was nice to see that the castle staff took a liking to Darkrim. Darkrim's past still seems appropriately sad, but things seem to be looking up, his character is developing quite nicely. Looking forward to more.

6375610 Thank you. Darkrim does have a sad past, but that won't stop him from being happy.

Foreshadowing! Really cool. I liked the fact that Darkrim gets teached by Luna and should learn with Twilight. It will only help him.

Ares is working with Radifus. Why isn't that a surprise at all? I have got the feeling, that Ares will have a bad surprise. I do think, Radifus is smarter then him.

All Mane Six are perfectly portrayed. I really like that.

And again Cliffhanger. But the meeting was adorable. I loved it,

6384696 I think this might be my best explanation for Ares. He does have a trick up his sleeve. He is kinda like the Dai Lee leader from Avatar. He thinks he has everything under control, but he is just another pawn in Radifus' game

Huh. A good introduction for the mane 6 here. And no. They weren't out of character. Just tell your 'evil' not to stray too close to the center of the Everfree.

joy, fear and excitement.

*fear, and

No matter what other people say, putting the comma at the end of a list of 3+ items signifies its ending.


Princess Celestia exited first while Luna soon followed. Darkrim stood behind Luna, since he was still a bit nervous to meet the Elements.

Don't use the same word several times. Try 'Lunar princess' or other adjectives for Luna here.

“That’s alright, Ms. …” Darkrim said confusedly, remembering that they had not been properly introduced.

Unfortunately, you can't make sentences like that after a dialogue attribution. Don't ask me why. I don't know. By sentences like that, I mean separating with a comma.

For Applejack, don't be afraid to country her up a bit. Most words with her dialect that have a, 'I' in it, like 'I' and 'my' are usually replaced with the 'ah' sound.

Hmmmm. I don't see what answer you were talking about. However, while you did develop on the hunter more and showed that its more than meets the eye (Transformers, da da da da daaaaa) as well as giving me more terracolts to witness, you really did turbo-boost through this whole chapter (or I'm just reading faster and faster as time goes by).

And you can do better than just quoting a prank that Psycho performed in one of my stories. You can definately create your own. Have some fun with it! He's Illogic and that was the dreamscape! (Plus, that line is obsolete considering I just published the newly rewritten chapter).


He followed the corpse like monster

*corpse-like

After all your performance alone earned you that.

*After all, your

“I hope you are not growing soft on me now Makita,” Ares said furiously “Remember what we discussed; Once the we overthrow the king and
his advisor, I shall take the throne and you will be reward for all your service to the Rebuilt Tartarus.”

As you can see, there's a spacing error here.

“Oh and one more thing,” Ares said “Our mole would like their identity to remain hidden, so don’t be freaked out if they have a deranged mask or something” Ares warned Makita.

I feel that Ares wouldn't be so lenient considering their identity and would be far mor aggressive towards their 'wants' over his.

took him in to

*into

“Maybe if I just…” before he could even finish that sentence, Grimoire felt his eyes close as he drifted away to the land of dreams.

THe sentence after the dialogue shouldn't be there. It should be its own sentence below the line of dialogue.

Makita better hope none of the books were damaged or else Princess Twilight will reduce him to screaming sludge. :rainbowlaugh:

Grimoire is good at what he does, having some magic dust and stones with some potions helps a little as well.

And swirly eyed ponies? Are you coming up with your own backstory to Screwball? :trixieshiftright:

Anyway. Been waiting for a new chapter. Keep it up. Waiting for more. :raritywink:

6347108 I have a somewhat wish to include Mr. Psycho into this universe, but again I dont think I could properly represent him. As for your complaint about speeding through the chapter, I don't really see ir, since this was just to introduce tje vapabilities of the Makita and the plan. I will try didnt feel it beeded too much more although I will admit that I am not fully vontent with the fight scene. Originally I wanted Makita to fight a stone alicorn but then I remembered his weakness and went against it. Also the reason Ares respects his moles wish for anpnimity is because he doesnt really care much for identity in the firdt place. As long as they get the job done they can wear hazmat suits for all he gives two flying bucks about.

6411884 Trust me once the princesses find out what he did, Makita will be in worse troubles than ever before. The swirly eyed pony was supposed to be a reference to Psycho's character but now that it has been rewritten it will remain just as an obscure remainnder

Oh, freaking crap! This is really awesome. I thought, Radifus is the villain. But it seems like Ares is not a stupid trasher. This sounds bad. Really bad. I like that mystery.

6413411 Thank you. Yeah, Radifus is still the big badie, but Ares ain't a small cookie either.

You know, you're really not that bad at political commentary. Maybe you should try and compare the different systems of the world at certain points in the story to increase intrigue.

Also, it might just be us overthinking things, but Darkrim seemed a little suspicious in that race. Almost as though he let them win. Or he might have proven that everyone in Tartarus is slow. He did say he was the fastest in the underworld. Plus, he kept on smiling during the race.

Either way, he's made it with the girls. Keep it up.

6435018 This comment is such a relief to me because I was afraid thet the whole pplitical spiel there might be a bit too on thenose, so I am glad you liked it. Just wait till the revolutions begin inTartarus and the formation of The Neo Basilian State. I do intend to bring up socio political points later on in the story sp I hope it will turn out well. As for the race, when you boil it down Darkrim wasnt that far behind the girls. And he said he was the fastest pony in Tartarus. Either way the whole point of the race was not so much who will be the winner but more of a connection point between Darkrim and the girls, which is why he was smiling throughout the race. Heck even AJ and RD help him out in the final stretch so it really wasnt abou thewinner.

Woohooo! That was well done. I really enjoyed their race. And Twilight was so in character. She freaks out at the thought of being a mentor. And Pinkie and her puns. Hilerious!

6436322 Thank you so much. And I am happy I could keep Twilight in character

6436610
No problem. She is known for being paranoid.

Ah, yes. The racing between Applejack and Rainbow Dash. I did that in "From man to mare" and to this day I still cringe on that 'vaporware' I randomly added in there because I had nothing else to write at the time and didn't want to finish the chapter with so little words. A good little introduction and character development but didn't really forward the main story.


Starswirl’s advance astronomy

I think you mean 'advanced'.

“I’ll see ya, prince,” Twilight waved

While I usually, don't complain about this, that line is very Out-of-character for Twilight. She really doesn't talk like that. She'd prefer a proper word over a countryism.

asking you this, if I didn’t

No need for a separation here.

Next time you better watch where ya goin’ instead of bragin’

*braggin'

“And in an unexpected move, Darkrim takes the lead,” Pinkie Pie yelled “I guess you could say he is on FIRE! He is really BLAZING out there! However, Applejack is HOT on his trail.” Pinkie Pie laughed hysterically. Even Luna had to chuckle at these fiery puns.

Make it stop.:raritydespair: MAKE IT STOP!:raritycry:

Even if Ah did bet ya

*beat (unless you did this on purpose)

There's something rotten in Equestria, and it's not just that potion Grimoire drank.

We're liking this. You're adding another element of political intrigue into the story. It's nice to see you expanding your own little world and headcanon.

Also, the little rhyming secret code, that was really good. And there were only too lines, that's what made it even more impressive. Almost haiku form.

Hoping to read more soon.

P.S. the unicorn made us think of the spy from Team Fortress 2.

6479619 Thank you sooo much :pinkiehappy: I am glad you're enjoying this chapter as it did take me quite some time to finish it up and I wnated to show that, even though Equestria is grand, it's not without a few rotten apples.

Also, i never noticed it, until you guys brought it up, but yeah, the unicorn is a bit similar to the Spy.


I like this pony. He is a good troll. I just hope Makita doesn't end up being 'corrupted' and changing his mind in the end.


As the fearless hunter began to rush he suddenly saw thick, green, vine

*a thick; or *thick, green vines

without so much, as a

No need for a comma separation

Yes. I did notice the mountain dialogue error, but thought it gave him soe uniqueness to his speech mannerisms.

effectively openinning

This one speaks for itself.

to put in a pouch

*put it

I’ll be notice in

*noticed

This mysterious unicorn is awesome. He is somehow funny and a prankster. A evil prankster. XD But it is getting more and more confusing. I cannot wait to see how this all will play out.

6490071 Yeah he is a mischevious one. This is the part where the story really gets going so hold on to your seatbelts, because it will be a bumpy ride.

6490078
Yeah! I cannot wait for the next chapters.

Glad you're back. Darkrim is in for a few surprises, considering some world-changing event happens every week. Weirdest place in Equestria, Tartarus has nothing on it.

E's travelin' aboot now, is 'e? S'gon go tae Sgoatland next, maybeh?

6782543 Twas bloody time 'e get nmove on isn't it

6770307 The next chapters should be interesting to say the least

6782842 Ne'er ferget: Ifn it's nae Sco'ish, it's crrrap!

This seems to be building up to something big. We have demons from hell, political unrest, vague prophecies, and a world of sunshine and rainbows that has never almost never tasted war.

You could any direction you want with this.

A race against time to stop a war. Or all out war of good vs evil. Or throw another plot twist to blow your readers away.

Which ever direction you decide to throw at us, we'll be eagerly awaiting all updates.

6805244 Yes there will be something huge in the near future of this series. I wanted to give a bit of a hint to what will happen later on with this chapter and introduce the first Moira to the mix. After this fic is done (which could take a while), I will publish a fic detailing the history and the beginnings of Tartarus through the three kings I mention in the previous chapter (Furia, Dormius and Terragon). I ma really excited for this project and I am glad i have you guys along for the ride.

Sorry for taking so long to review. I kept getting side-tracked.

Playing the waiting game? I love to do that!

Darkrim seems unusually 'wise' now that you're developping him more, and tell clotho that some scissors should fix her stitching up.


“What a foul flower,” Grimoire thought to himself as he coughed. He quickly looked at his claw and was surprised to find out it was gone. He

could still feel it there, but it was completely invisible. The realization hit him like a brick as he began to laugh like a maniac.

Spacing error.

but it also help us to solve

*helps

helping to resolve a family feud, reinvigorating the once fallen city of griffons back to their former strength and taking down

*strength, and

You're at a the end of a list. 'Comma and'

impressive,” Darkrim cleared

Needs to be a period. You're describing an action he performs after speaking. The dialogue is already associated.

“Sorry, my drakonian is a bit rusty,” Darkrim said awkwardly

“You don’t speak drakonian, do you?” Darkrim asked awkwardly.

I think you accidentally something between these two lines.

said tto Darkrim

Self-explanatory.

“Whatever,” Spike shrugged his shoulders.

Period here. It's an action your describing being performed by the speaker after. It's not a dialogue association.

small, diamond, nightstand.

*small, diamond nightstand.

The last adjective can be linked to the object it's being associated with when there are multiple adjectives.

6822565 It's not a problem really, because I am glad you came when you did lol. Thzank you once more for pointing out the flaws as I have corrected them immidieatelly. I always intended for Darkrim to be a bit 'wise', so to speak, as he is a prince and he has seen a few things. However, what he has in theoretical knowledge (and some universal sense of 'wisdom), he lacks in practice. His emotions get the better of him (not to mentiont that, at times, he can be quite gullable) as you have seen when he tries to destroy the timberwolf and he isn't that versatile in magic usage. I wanted to add that as another personality trait of his since him and I hope you are enjoying this so far. :twilightsmile:

6822682 I am, otherwise I would've stopped by now.

Pfff. Whining about his appearance? The more unique the better. I don't like what's overly common. It's no fun to see the same things over and over again every day. Plus, someone has some patience issues. A tower can't be built without its first stone, but even the stone must wait for the ground to be analyzed to see if it would serve as the stone's perfect home. If you don't have patience for these things, you get the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

You're doing pretty good so far with your writing and you're developping the characters nicely along that way. They ALLLLL fit nicely and all follow their characters.


“I can see that,” Spike said as he lowered his claws “Anyway, Twilight wanted me to tell you that she is ready for your first lesson in magic. So,

when you’re ready, we’ll leave.”

Spacing error. You do a lot of these.

“As you say,” Darkrim replied and shrugged.

I think it would sound better like: Darkrim shrugged. "If you say so."

Touche

*Touché

“Yeah, Applejack’s a real sweetheart,” Twuilight laughed awkwardly as she prepared some oranges.

Twuilight, you say?

I’ll talk y’all to ‘er.

*take y'all

Twilight placed down her shield and walked over to him.

Pulled down would sound better.

“You seemed a bit nervous and frustrated by the end. Right?”

Accidental double-spacing between 'bit' and 'nervous'

so too did it had begun

Uhhhhhh...

“Still, it takes quit the

*quite

The nobes were

Fuckin' nobes! Ruinin' mah game!

neough for me to meet her

*enough (Hooo wee! Makin' bacon!)

has gone mostly rouge

*sigh* This is a mistake I see far too often. I don't understand how 'rogue' (row) is always written as rouge (roo).
[youtube=vTL8f8Xqm4w]

Poison joke juice? That mare has a liver of steel.

Glad to see more backstory on the light pegasi.

And, Darkrim, really? bragging right before performing a trick? Any filly could tell you that's a recipe for failure, :rainbowlaugh:

Hope to see more in the future.

6913640 Braggin' never helped anypony. Just ask Trixie lol. Glad to see you're still enjoying the story

6913478 That's what I keep saying. If it's weird, it has the potential to be good (if written well. I have seen so many authors waste perfectly good characters pn bad stories. It's sad really :fluttercry:)

About the patience, you'll see that this is a running theme. Darkrim has the potential to be great and his heart is in the right place, but the dude can be a hot mess and a half. That's why he is paired with Twi and Luna. Both have seen the downfall due to their emotions and they know more about self control than anypony else as a cause of it (at least that's how I see it).

They ALLLLL fit nicely and all follow their characters.

You know, as an author who constantly worries how to write a character and how far can I go with them, this has to be THE BIGGEST compliment i have ever gotten. I can't thank you enough for that.:raritystarry::raritystarry::pinkiehappy:

P.s. sorry about the misspelings. I was working on it untill 1 AM last night and I overlooked a few. Gon' get them fixed. Also my u seems to be in love with my i (since it always interjects itself when I try to write Twilight. I usually catch it before it goes out, but that one slipped under my radar).

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