• Member Since 30th Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen May 20th

Lunaexcelsior


The true beauty of our life and our existence can be explained by the starry night sky. For the stars know the truth of beauty, which is that much stronger once it's paired with its dark background

Sequels1

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Source

This story is a sequel to The lone stallion



After Darkrim escaped Radifus' slimy clutches, he begins to experience horrifying nightmares. A terrible curse had been placed upon Darkrim and it is up to our night princess to save him. What she finds in his mind could change her perception of the banished prince. What memories lie behind the closed walls of Darkrim's subconsciousness? What secrets does he hold?

Chapters (11)
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Comments ( 53 )

Interesting beginning. Amethyst is portrayed nicely. Also interesting to see the prince of pony hell vulnerable in a serious manner rather than a comedy routine. A few misspellings here and there, nothing unforgivable, and it looks like it's taking off to a good start. Good work.

6220818 Thank you for the kind words :twilightsmile:


I can't say much as I don't really have much energy left considering I'm on a diet, but this served as a god development of Darkrim's backstory and personality.

but the second Luna is back I’m out of her! Got it?

derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/5/19/328451__safe_applejack_spike_meme_spike+at+your+service_face_yaranaika_massage.jpg

to let Larbo hold it his mouth.

Don't know what this means.

That moment thought me something very important

wat

rising the Sun

*raising

6222472 hank you. Ze miztakes have been swiftly dealt with :moustache:

The politics are both funny and enjoyable :pinkiesmile:

It's similar to "The King is Dead Long Live the Emperor" by Bucking Nonsense, in a way. If you get the chance, look up that story, it's well worth the read.

6227660 Thank you so much! I'll check that fic out as soon as possible

Needing protection by the Griffins? Curious. I wonder what causes this. And what about these changeling hunters I hear about? *salesman costume* Do they have a Throos or two with them? NO good changeling hunter goes without a throos! They even make GRRRRRRRRRRREAT household pets. Get yours today for the measly price of *mumble mumble* BITS!

Suddenly, Darkrim became to feel much more confid

*started to feel
You forgot the commas after the dialogue, again. And when you did put them in, you put them outside the dialogue brackets instead of inside.

Two unicorns, one lavender and the other white, two earth ponies, an orange and a pink one, with puffy mane, and two pegasi, one of cyan fur and rainbow mane and the other of yellow fur and pink mane.

*Two unicorns; one lavender and the other white; Two earth ponies, an orange and a pink one with a puffy mane; And two pegasi, one of cyan fur and rainbow mane and the other of yellow fur and pink mane.

approaching to him.

*approaching him

“Last I heard off him,

*of

Don’t joke with me princess!”

*me, princess.

Names and titles are always separated by the rest of a sentence with a comma when at the end.

can onl ygive

I think this one is self-explanatory.

“Greta, if you would”

Same here.

perfectly reasonable price and”

*and--

Sudden stops and interruptions need those two symbols.

Huhuhuhuhu.:twilightblush:

It just creates needless drama and besides, they are a sovereign state.

*and, besides,

“You don’t like light magic very much, don’t you?”

*do you?

Can't tell if Celestia's in character or not. As the show hasn't really delved into her very far. But the character you've given her works well. And we think we can guess who this foalsitter was. At least eighty percent certain, anyway. A very nice touch with the underhanded revelation about the Ninth Division, she either genius, or geniusely devious. Either way, it's cool.

Luna's part perhaps, seemed just a little rushed, and Darkrim seemed, perhaps, a little overly complacent. But, the question about "her" makes up for the rush.

Good job. Looking forward to more. :rainbowdetermined2:

6230627 The foalsitter here in question is a non cannon character, but is actually a reference to another (expertly written) fanfiction.

she either genius, or geniusely devious

this is actually how I see Celestia's interactions (when they are shown) in the show. She is a massive troll to me and I tried to portray her here as such. A wise, kind and omnipotent ruler with a heart of a joker.
Luna's part was a wee bit rushed, but I hope her interactions in Darkrim's mind will compensate for that. To be fair, if you had a horrifying near Lovercraftian level horror in your mind, wouldn't you want it out as fast as humanly possible? Oh and the question of 'er' will be revealed much later so I hope I can keep your suspense up until then :raritywink: I'll keep you posted for more chapters. Thank you guys once more for sticking with this story. It means a lot to me :raritystarry:

Something tells us that Grogus has a flare for the dramatic. This is a nice introduction to Darkrim's inner workings, The characters were quite funny, and Eluviatte is a nice mysterious figure. Isdeuh is charming in his own right. This was an excellent chapter. We applaud you. :yay:

6241060 Thank you so much:twilightblush:. If you have enjoyed these three, just wait until the next chapter. More creatures and, most importantly, more memories are coming up.

P.s Yup Gorgus is like that. Again when you look like he does, you've kinda made yourself to act that way lol.

That was pretty interesting. Hope we learn more about Darkrim's family and friends later on. And "All praise Necessity" just sounds awesome, by the way. :rainbowlaugh:

Persephone is officially on our list of great parents. And Radifus... just, wow. You've really made kind of a twist, as it seems Radifus used to be a great friend to the family. That was not expected. We were expecting something more like Jafar from Aladdin.

The lullaby in this one was a vast improvement, though the rhymes seemed just a little forced in the middle. Not bad for the setting, as it is a child's lullaby. Good work. Hope to see more songs in the future. :pinkiesmile:

6247818 Thank you so much :twilightblush:

Both Radifus and Persephone are characters which I had extreme fun while creating and they will be given their short (most likely oneshot) fics, explaining how they came to be what they are. Radifus was actually a very reliable creature in the beginning, but his later transgressions have led him on this path of darkness. Originally, he was supposed to be similar to Jafar, but I wanted to do something different with his character and give him more depth.

I am currently trying to write a Neo Basilian Empire march (for later in the series), so I will see how that works out. It is supposed to be this powerful anthem of an empire in the rise and of the true evil they posses (it's basically a combination of Nightmare possesed Tartarus monsters and Nightmare possesed Changelings)

So metaphysical helpers come to life in Tartarus by necessity, rather than birth and innovation. Interesting. If Luna ever told Darkrim about all these people in his head, he might go crazy :rainbowlaugh:

Also interesting that Darkrim's greatest fear is failure and being hated by everyone. That would be a nightmare :fluttershysad:

6252952 As a prince his duty is his loyalty to his people and he fears what such high prestige could hold. Tartarus' past, before the arrival of Terragon, wasn't exactly stellar, so he has quite a lot on his plate

So now your throwing us for another loop by saying there is another realm altogether, contrary to Tartarus? :pinkiegasp:

That is an extremely sad love story. Did you base that off of "Lady Hawk" where a knight and lady are cursed so that they can only see each other for one hour a day? It's quite the set up you're starting to develop here. A whole other realm yet to be explained, and a tragic romance. We await the next update with baited breath.

6256397 I am glad you are so excited for this :pinkiehappy: It really makes me glad that there are people out there that appreciate the work I am doing.

Much like the dream realm, this realm exists in the space 'between spaces'. It is based off of Plato's perception that our world is only a copy of ideas and Neccessity rules this plain of existence. Tartarus is actually on the very edge of Equestria and is thus most influenced by this (all of this I will explain when the three Moira sisters get introduced in later fics. ). This is why Insomnia said 'I know more than I lead on' in the previous chapter. I am formatting the story of Tartarus in an episodic format (with an overarching plot and ideas sprinkled throughout the following fanfics), to keep in spirit with the show, while also slowly building up my own world with different creatures and areas for the reader to uncover As I said, this is a big project I am working on and I am glad you guys are along for the ride.

I actually based it more on Dante's Inferno and I was actually unaware of the 'Lady Hawke'. A lot of things here are based off ancient literature and ideas (since the show itself is very influenced by Greco Roman culture) so i am glad you are enjoying it so far. Also hold on to your hearts because the next chapter will be a wrench and a half to them.

Wow... I totally forgot how major the Griffins' presence was suppose to be in Equestria, nice portrayal of them here!

This one reminds me of a particular folk tale.... except without the accusation part. Nice work!

6259369 Thank you :twilightsmile: I am glad you enjoyed my portrayal of them

6259385 You know, i have been told so before... Oh well, thank you for following the story. A new chapter will be coming up tonight so stick around :raritywink:

Persephone is still a great mother to Darkrim.

Hadues, well, he's is a king doing what must be done, no matter his emotions.

And General Ares should be locked in a dark room with Hannibal Lector :flutterrage:

Poor young lovers. :fluttershysad:

6262230

And General Ares should be locked in a dark room with Hannibal Lector

If you feel that way about him now, then I'd really want to see your reaction for what he does later on. He's one shady motherbucker!

Okay, first of all:

HE KNEW THE MEMORIUM GUARD EXISTED???? :pinkiegasp: That was an unforeseeable twist. Just... this wasn't what we were expecting. Holy Molotov Cocktails and grease, Batman. That was both amazing and surreal at the same time. You managed to expanded an entire idea with one line of dialogue. Whether that was luck or intended, your hitting the bullseye.

Next:

You managed to weave some good lessons into this dream world (no pun intended). Such as, forgiving the past, facing fears, and even forgiving the person who stubbornly wouldn't forgive you for the longest time. It was nice how you progressed this. If we wrote that, it would have taken at least six chapters though.

Also:

Did we miss something with the light Pegasus, or are you saving that for your next story? That was a most intriguing concept you came up with. Also, we want to see General Ares get his just desserts.

Finally:

You're welcome for the support, glad to be appreciated, we're grateful for the acknowledgement, and we will now favorite this story and look forward to the next.

God bless,
Weavers of Dreams

6269040 Thank you so much. As Hatite said, 'they were all born out of his emotions' and thus he had been made aware of their existence. As for the moral of this story, this is truly how I feel. Our past is our greatest teacher, but it is not who we are. I also wanted to show that the ideal of love and forgivness, upon which the show itself is based off, is stronger than any stubborness and fear. Love shines through when all else fails.

Second:

Did we miss something with the light Pegasus, or are you saving that for your next story?

You didn't miss anything regarding Beatrice. She is going to have a whole fic dedicated to exploring both her character and the idea of light pegasi. It's going to be m little Hearts and Hooves special. And as far as Ares goes, trust me, you haven't seen half of the diabolic things this beast has done.

I am glad ou have enjoyed this story and I hope the next one will be even better. i might take a bit longer to write it, since I am going to incorporate the Mane Six and I want to see how to write them properl.

SO I HEARD YOU HAVE A QUIET IN-DOOR VOICE. SO DO I. INCIDENTALLY? IS HIS OLDEST MEMORY HIM AS A BABY CHEWING ON A DRAGON'S TAIL?


held a, recently used, halberd

No need for commas here.

The other creature was notably different.

Unlike Isdeuh, this being had a more feminine physique.

She stood at the same height as Luna, able to look her right in the eyes, while Isdeuh was a good head taller than both of them.

The feminine creature appeared to be dark blue with octopus like appendages flowing from her head and onto the floor.

Apart from her interesting hair, this creature also had real opals as her eyes which contrasted against her pale green skin.

The rest of her body was covered by a dark blue dress, making her appear as if she were floating over the ground. Her hands were covered in white fingerless gloves which revealed a set of rings on each hand. Luna thought one of her rings looked like her cutie mark, while another resembled that of Celestia’s.

This creature kindly smiled at Luna.

Should be one paragraph.


FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF, the punctuation goes BEFORE the dialogue quotes. I keep telling you this. You have forced me to use...the angry Fluttershy. :flutterrage:

I see you have encountered with a few of them

*encountered a

but from thereon

*there on

Volcano fire

Seeing it used, volcanic is better here.

aggressive, but that’s why it is inaccessible

*and that's

The but indicates a contradiction, but there are none here.

to effect it

*affect

6279034 IT'S EXTREMELY QUIET! Anyway, you'll see one of his earliest memories in the next chapter. The mistakes have been dealt with and don't worry about that period. I have made sure it does not pester us anymore :moustache:

You've improved your dialogue associations.:rainbowkiss:

Get 'im! Get that gator! Git 'im wif that shovel! I'm curious about the mindset of this Hades and if the 'minds can cross'.:coolphoto:


You did the comma thing agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiin!

A gigantic darkened land spread across as far as her eyes could see. Bizarre creatures of all shapes and sizes phased through Luna as she starred in awe at them. Batponies, gargoyles, skeletal ponies, Cerberus and decaying dragons were just a few that Luna could recognize in this place.

*gigantic, darkened

Separate adjectives by a comma when there are several of them.

*Cerberus, and decaying dragons

Use that comma. USE THAT COMMA!
thegamefanatics.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/SuperRage-602x451.gif

The entire ground was covered in what looked like to be fire grass; the trees grew everything from golden apples to nectar, a green and white fruit resembling passionfruit.

*looked to be* or *looked like* *fire grass. The trees *apples to nectar: a green

as a sound of trumpet went off in the distance.

*the sound of a trumpet

Presenting King Hadeus, his wonderful bride Queen Persephone and the newly crowne

My inner Grammar-nazi died a little.:fluttercry:

On his head he wore a sharp red crown, made of the finest rubies bits could buy.

No need for a separating comma here.

This was King Hadeus, the ruler of Tartarus.

While this is acceptable, when presenting someone and their title, it's better to use a colon.

“Not that I know off”,

*of

magic and stricken the serpent

*struck

As Luna listened to Persephone’s song, she couldn’t help but let a tear to slip out of her eye.

Big baby.

Gem? Looks more like a cyan-colored pebble. And I see tthat you took this opportunity to develop on your characters a bit more. A slow chapter with not much, but it did help develop things.


Commas...

One more thing: You used 'averted' wrong. It means to avoid looking.

Awwww. Insomnia has teen tiny fans. That's cute. Or maybe they're in love?


Commas. Again.

pale, mask like, face

*pale, mask-like face

You see Tartarus ponies

You see, Tartarus ponies

His cheery demeanor fell into a grim expression of sorrow took its place.

*sorrow which took

“Just follow us, alright big guy”

Assuming this is a question, it would be *alright, big guy?"

Just as he was about enter the moonlit

*about to enter

6307289 All these commas be puttin' me in a coma

Looks like someone ate too much. *badum-tss*


She is after all the

*she is, after all, the

by the order of Furia, Dormius and Terragon

*Furia, Dormius, and Terragon, order

you are herby stripped of all your duties as a prince and you are to live in exile, until you have

*hereby
There's no need to use that comma after 'exile'

peering back at our heroes

This sort of thing only really works with comics, but if you want to keep it, that's your choice. It just feels out of place.

“NOW!”

When quoting within dialogue, you don't use the double quotes. You ue the single quotes. *'Now!'

Ah, yes. Fights inside the mind of others. A hostile, forein entity can never win within them, especially not in mine.:pinkiecrazy:


down at it s core

*its

Oh, boy! I guess, Ra-whatever you have called the serpent really helds grude against the poor one. Let's hope, Luna can help him. :)

Hahahaha! That is Celestia how we like and love her. Smart, witty, charming, calm and wise. :trollestia: I guess, the changelings are no surprise, but have got something to do with our problem.

Oh, boy. Now that is complicated. Now I am curious what adventures Luna will have in his mind.

Awesome! Those memory guards are a great idea. I love how you explore the situation with the mind.

6374429 Yeah he really can hold one heck of a grudge.
6374449 And that's what I love about her character. It's a shame many writers under utilize her. Oh wel... Since the changelings failed at Crystal Empire, they moved on to Griffons.

6374534 I tried to personalize the emotion and characteristic and give them their own form.

Now we get to Darkrim's backstory. Great! :twilightsheepish:

Aaaahhhhh! Nightmare makes her appearance! Yes, yes, yes!

6377488 Yeah, i tried to give a new take on his backstory. Instead of him giving one big exposition dump, I wanted to lket you see it first hand.

6377496 Wait for it....

This scene was humerous. Best sentence: "I am going to hate myself in the morning for this." Is it okay that I laugh in a dangerous situation? :rainbowlaugh:

That is hard. Love always gets betrayed. Poor Darkrim. I just love your guardians. Every single one of them.

Awesome fight! And now we have the important backstory of Darkrim and it is so sad and cute.

Yeah! Power fight! Woohoooo! This adventure was so well done. I loved the final fight.

Oh my freaking goodness! The idea behind your story is incredible. I loved it so much. Each and every guardian in its own way. You build a whole new world in that mind of Darkrim and told us his backstory in such a spectacular way.

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