• Member Since 5th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Monday

TheNewYorkBrony


The name's Dash. (Previously Ronnie) And I write humanized pony stories. Welcome to my humble page.

T
Source

Okay Sunset, you can do this. All you have to do is walk up to her and tell her how you feel. It's Valentine's Day, and Twilight isn't the type of girl to go out her way to embarrass someone. I can do this. I can do this. I...I...


Featured 2/12/15

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 100 )
Wonder #1 · Feb 12th, 2015 · · 38 ·

YAY, thx.........
I'm sorry but
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FIRST!

Ah love. so romantic nice job on the story It was really touching. :heart::pinkiehappy:

My reaction: images.khinsider.com/The%20World%20Ends%20With%20You/Artwork/Mugshots/Kariya07.png

awesome fic you got there, i loved it!!!:pinkiehappy::heart:

aww, that was sweet!

Awwww, so romantic and cute.

Comment posted by Manes deleted Feb 12th, 2015

Really good story! I literally sat here reading ten times over just to memorize it! Thx for the good story. Can't wait for the next one! :)

Dude...


TWILIGHT Snogged Sunset...

Damn, she got dem moves like Jagger, huh?

That was adorable. Insta-fave.

Favorited before reading; not disappointed. :twilightsmile:

SunLight is best Light. :yay:

Edit: The first and second-person narration isn't really my favorite style. I guess it works for this story.

friends who friendly remind me of my romantic feelings

I'm not sure how to rephrase this, but it's definitely wrong.

Today I want to stay away from the mushy gushy stuff as much as possible!

You look crestfallen, and I just want to cheer you up in any way possible.
I reach over the table and take your hand in mine.

You used "mines" a couple of times, and there are many more small errors throughout. Definitely have someone edit this.

A little quick, but cute.


5615763 How is that a reaction....

5617326
Perhaps 'friendlily'.

oh shit is it singles awareness day already???

5617369 Though I am sure "friendlily" could be used, I cannot see myself ever using it in a serious (e.g. non-comedy) setting. It's quite an obscure word. Hence, the quandary.

5617402
I have used it before, although very rarely. I generally pronounce it without the first 'l'.

TheNewYorkBrony-churning out the best SunLight since 2013

Mad
Mad #19 · Feb 12th, 2015 · · ·

Applejack rolls her eyes. "So I guess it's just you and your hand tonight?" She says, wiggling her eyebrows.

Subtlety, it isn't always an option.

Mad

This was so adorable.

Fair warning, I am not the biggest on traditional romance focused stories and I was a bit tired when I wrote this so it might feel slightly disjointed.

Sparky. Oh man, Sparky.

Nope, can't read it. Male sounding Sunset when you combine "man" with a pet name on either side.

Weird pet name that doesn't fit Sunset calling Twilight. (That's a personal gripe and not that it's necessarily bad, I'm not qualified to determine that but figured you might appreciate the feedback.)


What can I say about you that I haven't already said?

Cliche' from a long time ago, so long people might not recognize it. Also, very centered on Sunset. As in the sentence is about Sunset, when it should be a sentence Sunset thinks about Twilight. This makes it less romantic and more ego/self interest driven than caring about the other person, thus it makes it harder to connect to the feelings given because we don't care about the target of desire. Now, to be fair, this matter less in fanfiction where we already know the other characters. But by forging a better emotional investment in the love interest it would still improve the romance.

These seem to be reoccurring themes in this story, at least the bits I look over. It's about Sunset and her needs and wants, not Sunset thinking about Twilight and Twilight's needs, wants, or self. It doesn't carry any emotional weight for me as a story. It caries some weight in that this is how one might express how much they need/want someone else to their face. This is common in romance but works when it feels like it's addressed to the audience directly as much as the love interest. The idea is to put the audience in the place of the main character and to have the audience fall in love with the love interest first, then have them address the audience making it personal. Jumping straight it looses most of that impact, at least to me.


We lock eyes for a moment and I swear to Celestia it feels like every bone in my body is humming with excitement. Unfortunately, Pinkie draws your attention back to the group conversation and our short lived moment is over.

"So, you guys got anything special planned for Valentine's day? Maybe with a special someone?" She asks, nudging me.

1) Breaks the reader out of the story with a sudden shift that isn't lead into. I am also unsure about the comma placement as you aren't addressing/naming Pinkie in speech and it's not necessary for the sentence otherwise.

2) As the last person mentioned is Pinkie drawing attention, this could easily be misinterpreted as Pinkie talking in the next line. It actually looks like an error where you meant to have Pinkie talk and made it it's own paragraph as it is not naming Twilight as the speaker throws it off.

In fact if this wasn't a fanfiction where we already know the pairing it's worse. Making the next sentence sound like her crush is on Pinkie.


I roll my eyes. While they all tease you about your crush on Flash, they tease me about my crush on you.

This kind of paints the other main 6 as out of character. They'd be helping, or disproving (not that it has to be disapproving but it could be spun that way for story purposes.) As it is it seems like they are encouraging actions or feelings in equal measure for Sunset to Twilight, and then Twilight to Flash, which would mean they want one of their friends to not get what they want. Sure, Twilight might end with Sunset, but there would still be tension from her being encouraged to think of Flash making leaving feelings for him behind harder and possibly causing resentment. Not something I see the other girls doing,


but can't really find a clean and intelligent way to do it

Up until this point you have used very standard romance dialogue, then it starts sounding more like it's from an intellectuals perspective (more like Sunset but oddly as much like Twilight). This makes the voice feel off slightly. It's not the hugest issue but it's splitting the story which is already suffering as I'll mention later. It might work to have her call out that she normally doesn't think this way but that she can't help it, her feelings are speaking louder than her mind. (Or something like that).


I couldn't actually go on but I think there is one reason why that is. Well, there are 2 problems but 1 is the reason I couldn't continue.

The minor issue is that it's not Sunset. I can't say if it is or isn't a self insert but it does not feel like Sunset.

The major issue is the voice (Which is entirely subject to personal preference and as a lot of people seem to like this story take all my comments here with a grain of salt, you clearly have an audience that loves your work, don't let me take that away from you.)

This is technically a 1st person story but is told from the perspective of a first person narrative that is talking to someone else in the second person. In a lot of romances this can work but it tends to work best when used more in the middle of the story, during the climax where there are a lot of emotions being shared and you want to show that the love interests don't need dialogue. In effect you end up saying they have grown so close together that they don't even need to talk to understand each other. This usually happens after building up the relationship, when they would have enough experience with each other to not need to talk. They don't have that yet in this story.

While it's not my favorite writing style it uses a lot of build up to make the reader feel a lot of strong emotions, for fanfiction a lot of your readers will see the pairing and already invest emotion. That's why this story does work as is, but by adding that emotion into your reader as well you strengthen it in the writers who already feel it AND you instil it in a reader like me who wants to be convinced of the emotions. To me, who doesn't have that emotional investment before sitting down to read, it seems to take the position that the audience should innately know that there was already this buildup. Thus you start off by explicitly sating "I like you, I like you, I like you," for the purpose of creating the framework of a story plot.

To me it comes off as half done. Like you don't want to tell a whole romance, you just want to jump to the good part where they get together because they should be together.

It also ends up being all tell with no show early, though glancing later you seem to have a lot more show and/or depth to the telling.


Overall the promise this story makes to me in the first few paragraphs is a cliche' out of character romance because you feel the characters should be together. Looking on and skipping a few paragraphs it's clear the story gets better but it's already lost me. I would suggest working on the beginning, maybe try a few different things. I would also suggest jumping in with some action. Not ACTION! but something like

You turned to me and smiled. Man, Sparky, I could live off that smile alone. I didn't hear what you said but I nodded, grinning ear to ear.

Not that exact thing necessarily, but something like that that transitions into what you have would give the beginning of the story a lot more staying power in my opinion.

To be fair to you a lot of stories start off with tell, in fact it's usually where you can get away with it the easiest as long as it isn't an info dump. But if we are suppose to transplant ourselves into the shoes of the main characters perspective from the beginning, show can forge that connection a lot easier than tell because we have felt similar things to what the character is feeling.


Good luck in the future, and remember to take the notes with a grain of salt.

5617703 thanks for the constructive criticism. Ive never written from this perspective before so it was really hard for me. At least now I know what i did wrong and how how i can improve. :twilightsmile: do you mind if i use your sentence in the beginning?

5617731

Go ahead, just promise me that you will also try something like it on your own as well. Also, you'd probably have to do some minor rework of what would then follow the first sentence. It was kind of meant to replace the "Sparky. Man, Sparky." bit.

Also, *Thanks* *I've* *I* *I* :raritywink:

5617743 I promise. And ah, thanks. Again. :twilightoops:

5617361 means I love it plus I do twewy sprites just fun

You really love this pairing don't you? Anyway, good work. Was paced well with good writing.

GAARGH! The adorableness! It kills me! :raritycry: Sunlight forever!

Tops. Aces, even.

I wasnt sure about how the voice fit the character at first, but it all comes together in the end.

5617326

Friendlily. No seriously. http://english.stackexchange.com/questions/107003/are-the-words-sillily-uglily-friendlily-livelily-etc-valid-english

However, since that is a horrible word (as well as repeating the "friend" twice in quick succession) I'd recommend "nicely" or "kindly".

"So I guess it's just you and your hand tonight?"

:ajsmug: Remember kids, subtlety is for pussies !

Anyway, awesome/adorable/cute story like always.
Damn, I don't know how you manage to produce all these EG shipfics.
'Cause they are all sooo gewd ! :heart:

They look happy. Almost, mischievous.

And her we see the sign of domnitrix Twilight. :twilightblush:

stop getting so many highlights (featured on the front page) on this website

5618988 It's not my fault! :twilightoops: I guess people like my stories a lot?? Im actually kind of curious why this keeps happening so fast...

Y
Y #37 · Feb 12th, 2015 · · ·

And then your lips meet mines

*cue explosions*

Why as soon as I saw this story's title I started thinking of Victorious? Man, I need help.

which Twi did she fall for?, i thought it was human Twi but you said Pinkie's sleep over which Pony Twi was the one who did that?

5619186 because this was inspired by a Victorious song. Don't feel bad, we're in the samw boat.

5619389
Heheh, nice to know I'm not the only one.

5619391 ok i thought it was her but they where acting like Twi lived there and they new her for months X3

5617482 Oh well. Some of us enjoy this holiday. It's perfect for loners. We get free candy, and all we have to do is smile at someone.

5618343

So are hands, apparently. :rainbowkiss:

Very nicely done, i approve of Twi and Sunset shipping.

Featured 2/12/15

did somebody order some... Smug?
puu.sh/fRjI9/6e2e64f644.jpg

5617703
This review embodies pretty much all my views. Personally, I felt that this story was like a fantasy, with everything being fairly cliche and wish-fulfilled. I couldn't get invested in this story because of it, and the odd perspective of the narration only made it worse. It could have been something, but in it's current form, I can't say I liked this story.

Somehow I feel it would have worked better if their roles had been reversed. Or if we saw it from Twilight's perspective.
Great fic anyways.

See, this is the only reason I even wake up on valentines day. Cool stories like these.

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