• Member Since 6th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen June 5th

TheNewYorkBrony


The name's Dash. (Previously Ronnie) And I write humanized pony stories. Welcome to my humble page.

T
Source

It's been a few weeks since Twilight returned to Equestria. All seems to go well until Sunset senses something wrong with the student body. To make matters worse, Human Twilight has started snooping around the school for proof of magic. With Princess Twilight unable to come to Sunset and the humane five's aid, it's up to the bacon haired teen to set things right and to prove herself worthy of her element.


Featured 1/16/15. You guys rock!

Chapters (12)
Comments ( 304 )

Kind of a scary looking covert art, plus I love the story :)

Good start. Sunset Shimmer is one of my favorite characters now, and this is almost like how I'd envision her struggle.

Can't wait for more.

Looks promising. But then, it's you. I'm tracking.

So far it's a bit too short to make much of it, so I withhold like so far, but you have me watching.

Sunset stories are good as long as they are well written. Im watching for more

So far, you've written this very well. The characterization is great, the pacing feels natural, as does the dialogue and emotions, and the premise is very interesting indeed. I am officially hooked, and will anxiously await further chapters! :D

I have to wonder, what would happen if HW Twilight met with HW Trixie? Would Trixie spill the beans?

5504642 probably not. Since twilight's probably going to focus on the humane six because her magic detector went off when she approached sunset. If it doesn't go off when she approaches someone, she's not gonna give them the time of day.

Pinkie F:pinkiegasp:ing Pie everybody!

I'm in.

Oh boy... this is going to be a problem...

In the first Equestria Girls movie, the villain is voiced by Twilight's singing voice.
In the second Equestria Girls movie, the villain is voiced by Rarity's singing voice.
In Friendship is Magic, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy's voice actors all do their singing roles as well.
In the third Equestria Girls movie, the villain should totally be voiced by Pinkie's singing voice.
By the way, that's Misa from Death Note.

that, right there is epic cover-art!!

Didn't read this, but just seeing the cover image on the site side panel conjured up this thought:

Now Sunset needs to get a stand. And since stands are named after songs. We can call it... *snrk* Runaway

This is certainly off to a promising start, good job.
And you better follow through on the badassness that cover picture promises, cause that is some high level awesome.
5505242
I prefer the name Forgivness, and I don't like extra Elements in general, but yes, she fits the concept very well.

I admit, I only started reading this because of the awesome cover art. Now i'm curious as to what you have planned for the next chapters.

Everyone else is saying the cover art is awesome, and the story should live up to it. So yeah, aye.

Well, Twi, you certainly don't beat around the bush, do you?

I like the cover art. And it seems like an interesting read so far. I'm happy I could help inspire you.

Headcannon. In the Human world, Sunset and Twilight are super advanced aliens. Sunset went rogue and the massive energy spikes realeased by the magic prompted the alien High Council to send Twilight to monitor and eventually arrest Sunset

You hooked me with that cover art. Sunset was my favorite before, but now she looks like a total BadA**!:rainbowdetermined2:

Time to actually read this.

5506722 oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! :pinkiegasp:

An interesting start. I have a few nitpicks:

She was now apart of the band as much as they all were

a part

She propped her head up on her hand and looked around the cafeteria disinterested

This should be either "looked around the cafeteria disinterestedly" or "looked around the cafeteria, disinterested".

the others shoulders

the others' shoulders

All this lone wolf stuff is kind of redundant when you got people who care about ya.

I don't understand how it's redundant—that is, abnormal profusion, or unnecessary duplication of effort. Does Applejack mean it's pointless?

5511688 thank you for the corrections. :twilightsmile: and yeah she means its pointless.

Sunset could have handled that letter a lot better. She tells Twilight what happened, but not why she's worried about it. Twilight could conceivably write back with advice that is pretty far off the mark from what Sunset wants to know about.

Also, nitpicks!

ten minutes early. (which was dangerous, but she really didn’t care.)

If the stuff in parentheses is a complete sentence, it should begin capitalized as such. But, as written, it is not a complete sentence, so either it should be rewritten (e.g. replace "which" with "this" or "that") or the period should be removed.

she didn’t get out the house much

"get out of the house", although the way you wrote it has an amusing mental image.

But that isn’t what caught her eye.

wasn't

Who’s to say they’re the only one’s here?”
“They were sent here

ones
Since the second paragraph is also the same person speaking, you shouldn't close the quotation marks on the first paragraph. But keep the quotation marks at the beginning of the second one.

Haven’t you heard of the term ‘curiosity killed the cat’?

As far as I know, the word "term" is generally applied to a single word, or in any case an appelation, like "apartment" or "apartment complex". Something like "curiosity killed the cat" is a phrase. You could also, or course, refer to it as a saying, proverb, etc.

Do you play TF2? And are you by any chance a Twixie fan that enjoys playing the Medic?

5512366 Ah, sorry for that then, I was playing with a Medic two days ago on TF2 named NYHealer with his Crusader's Crossbow named Sunset's Redemption and his Medigun named Twixie's Lovebeam.
Sorry for the confusion.

I've yet to read this, but color me intrigued. :trixieshiftright:

5505063 Pinkie Pie's singing voice is already providing a voice to Silver Spoon.

She hadn't slept a wink in three weeks, and hadn't eaten properly in two.

But she got 5 hours the previous night and a couple minutes in English class.

This is interesting, but I feel as if somethings are happening too fast. Also details are being added that could have been tossed into the first chapter, like Sunset's sleeping and eating habits.

5512693 i guess i meant overall with the sleep thing. I tried not to make things go so fast but o guess i should work on that.

Finally sat down and read this today. It's an interesting start to be certain, and I'm intrigued about what's coming.

5512822
Yeah, some of the ways the information is dropped on the reader could have been organized a little better. Possibly have Sunset struggling with her irritability earlier in the story but also have it explained that she is not getting a lot of sleep, and what she does get is troubled.

5512849 yeah okay i get you. Thanks for the advice.

5512861
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. I am still trying to learn elements and pacing that will make a story good.

5512894 i guess we're in the same boat then. :twilightsmile:

There is a lot of ideas people would of what the Third movie of Equestria Girls would be like.

Now back how I think about the story and this chapter! I mainly think Sunset can Redeem herself it's just that she can't get over what happen during the Fall Formal Dance (the First movie), I bet she can, she just need to be more heroic (mainly kind, calm, collective, greatful, nice, and determined in a good way) later on.

"What is this, the fifty's?!" Dash barked.

This coming from the girl who still says "Egghead"

I have a feeling that Human Twilight will know sooner or later, LIKELY sooner, that there is magic at CHS. Let's hope Luck is on Sunset's side! If there are ways to make sure HW Twilight doesn't expose Magic the the entire world, I would choose tell her and make sure she don't tell the whole world about it.... .....I think...

Holy shit, Sunset passing out?! Didn't see that coming. But yeah, something is definitely going on at CHS and it's not good.

And also if this have a InFAMOUS vibe in it, then I would say that Sunset is having Bad Actions/Evil Karmanic at the moment for now.

*Long, exasperated sigh* Well shit :ajbemused:

I'm really enjoying this story so far; it's a fresh take on Sunset that I am particularly excited to see explored. I also really like how you left the exact cause of her problems ambiguous, but laid little possibilities around (such as the flue, which I wonder if it's a red herring or not... hmm...). The only notable problem is the pacing, as stated by others before me to be a bit to quick, rushing by before I can get really involved in the scene. It's not absolutely abhorrent or anything, but it is a bit distracting. Of course, practice makes perfect, and I can only imaging that you'll get better as you write more. :) Good luck with further chapters!

Just a quick note:

"Sunset!"
The rest of the girls cried, crowding around her.

I think these sentences should be together. Otherwise the second sentence feels disjointed without a quote in front of it.

5514300 ah yes! Thank you! I was wondering if i should have made that one whole sentence! I should habe listened to my instinct! :twilightsmile: and you're right about the pacing. Chapter four is going to be filler (mostly) so it's gonna be better!

5514325

You're welcome! Haha, I can't tell you how many times I wished I'd listened to mine! xD
And don't worry too terribly much about the pacing; as you write more, you will certainly get better at it! :D

The dialogue, both internal and external, could use some work, as well as the narration. Show, don't tell. Be sure to use descriptive words and to really show us the characters emotions.

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