When Sunset Shimmer decided to return to Equestria to right past wrongs, neither she nor her friend Princess Twilight Sparkle could possibly imagine the series of events resulting from that decision.
With the Crystal Mirror irrevocably broken, Princess Twilight is now stranded in the other world, while the highly agitated, furious, and unhelpful human Twilight is equally stranded in Equestria. Sunset Shimmer--still new to friendship--now faces enormous challenges as she struggles to solve the seemingly impossible: how to send the human Twilight back while also bringing Princess Twilight back, when the only portal between worlds has been destroyed...and how to heal her former mentor and teacher, Princess Celestia, who has been stricken by a debilitating illness.
With the prickly and standoffish Twilight refusing to help--and, more often than not, injuring feelings and infuriating tempers--the fate of both worlds rests squarely on her shoulders.
[Best viewed with reader formatting set to: 1) paragraph: both; 2) Alignment: justified]
Pre-read, edited, and critiqued by my friend and fellow equestrian, Toriandthehorse
Artwork by: Yakovlev-vad
Featured on Equestria Daily 04/11/2020
That's not true, see the first Equestria Girls movie. While I'm at it I doubt it would be that difficult for Sunset to regain her magical abilities as you describe in the second chapter considering the last time she was in Equestria she could teleport after like ten minutes.
Apart from these minor issues I absolutely adore what you did and can't wait for more.
I really like how you are going about with the story in regards to showing the perspective of both Sunset Shimmer and alternate Twilight Sparkle! I noticed however, that you spent a long explaining events and details, which kind of momentarily stopped the progression and plot. For example, you started dragging the potential "7th Element of Harmony" a bit long, as well as a one or two other moments. I suggest maybe shortening those areas a bit and focusing more on what is occurring in the present. There is nothing wrong with flashbacks and some explanations, though. Other than that, I really like where you are taking this story and am looking forward to reading it further!!!
5398171
Argh! *bonk*bonk*bonk* ::bangs forehead on desk:: I have spent weeks working on plot outline, going over it again and again, comparing it to all 4 seasons and 2 movies, and I borked that up!? ::sighs::
As to the difficulty regaining her abilities back, the first Equestria Girls never really indicated how long Sunset Shimmer had been back in Equestria before sneaking her way to Princess Twilight's room, so I took license and decided it would have taken her awhile to get her "pony-legs" back under her, etc., before she went creeping about. And her hesitancy and reaction this time resulting from it being her first time back to Equestria since her redemption.
I really have seen the movie, you know. ::lopsidedly grins:: Both of them. Several times. Many several times. ::blushes::
Dat written country accent.
5403174
Erm . . . is that a good thing, or a bad thing?
5403322
I think you went a bit overboard with it to be honest.
No need for the double had.
...This was bad. It was jarring and out of place and bad. Not the pun, mind you. It was the fact that the narrator broke character to say that that was bad.
Both parentheticals work just fine in the regular narrative. No need to set them apart like that.
Emphasis like that has no place in the narrative, especially given the voice you've given the narrator.
Speaking of, your narration style is odd. I'm not yet sure what to make of it.
Awesome chapter! I can't wait to read the next one!
Man, a lot of the opening bits of this chapter felt like one big headcanon dump. I'm not sure that really had a place in the story, honestly.
arglblarglarglblarglarglblarglarglblargl
Blech. There is really no need to write her accent like that. It ends up just looking like a mess.
The story itself is pretty okay, so long as you're not dumping a bunch of headcanon on us. The narration style has a few kinks you need to work out, and there's a smattering of grammar mistakes, but it's overall pretty decent. Looking forward to seeing where you take the story from here.
5403385
Thank you for taking the time to read, and critique, Double Trouble. That's very much appreciated!
I've fixed the double "had" error, as that was an error; doesn't seem to matter how much I proofread I still miss things. ::sighs::
As to the accent . . . I can see your viewpoint. There are times when reading other works of fiction that when a writer has a character speaking in a specific dialect or cant (for example, 19th century Cockney blackguard) that my eyes want to water "deciphering" the speech. I tried not to go overboard, but that's really how I "hear" Applejack's speech.
I'm not sure what you mean, though, about "a bunch of headcanon". My understanding of that term (from knowyourmeme) is being "an idea, belief or aspect of a character’s personality or physicality that is present in a piece of fanwork that does not correspond with information present in the canonical material.". To the best of my knowledge, nothing I've written is contrary to anything I've seen in the series or movies. Please, help me out here, and be more specific? The one thing I definitely do not want to do is write anything contrary to the spirit or framework of MLP:FIM, so any advice will be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Masterius
5398171
Just updated that particular flub. Thank you for catching it!
Although not part of the story, I just found this too intriguing to not share it:
fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2014/300/6/7/nothing_personal__just_science__by_dm29-d84b2ii.png
5404459
That appears to specifically refer to headcanon that conflicts with canon, making it an incomplete definition.
Headcanon is simply personalized fanon. It's a person extending canon to go beyond what's presented in the source material. It doesn't necessarily conflict with canon.
In any event, what I meant in my comment is that you were just dumping a lot of info on the readers. It felt like less of a story and more of a blog post. It would have been much better to have all that information spread throughout the narrative naturally.
I might understand it for a character we've never heard speak before, but we've all heard AJ talk. We don't need her accent put into writing since it's already present in our heads since we know she's the one talking.
5406112
Thank you for the input and explanations. Very much appreciated!
~Masterius
Oh boy, this can only end well. Also how come this hasn't more views?
5415755
Maybe because it sucks?
I have no idea. ::shrugs:: It'd be nice to know why, and it'd be nicer to get an actual review now and then. The lack of views, likes and/or reviews might be depressing, but it isn't discouraging, and I intend to keep on writing.
5417449
That's not true and you known it!
I should know, currently everything around me sucks. My PC keeps crashing randomly, my iPad fails at pretty much everything I want it to do, and my 'smart'phone has the memory of a goldfish and the speed of a snail.
Don't do that. Use narration instead. It's jarring to see the asterisks and such pop up in the middle of the story.
Other than that, Spike knows Sunset Shimmer's cool, so I feel like those guards weren't sent by him. How curious.
Actually Twilight was in a limousine in the first movie.
Also dat plot twist. In my personal head canon Human!Twilight works for Human!Sunset who is the leader of some sort of corporation/criminal syndicate bent on world conquest. Let's see where you are going with this,
5422081
I know. I guess what I'd intended didn't come across very well. Perhaps I should have explained better. What Twilight had meant was that it would be her first time in a van, up front where she could see everything really clearly, instead of being in the back of a limo whose windows were darkly tinted and difficult to see out of. Also, she was a bit preoccupied during the limo ride, as compared to the van one which she was looking at as much as an educational experience as it was a necessity.
It's obvious to me that you, and other commenters, are reading the story and paying it close scrutiny. I'm grateful for that. But it also seems that the only detailed comments anypony are making are what I've missed, mistakes I've made or other errors. Isn't there anything good worth a specific comment?
Thanks so much for the update! Nice little Christmas present! I would have thought that twilight would notice Spike ASAP though, since she has seen her Spike in this world before, and this Spike is identical.
Nice job on the story!
Well, now that you're not just dumping a bunch of headcanon on us and actually telling a story, it's become much more enjoyable to read. The past couple chapters have been good fun and rather interesting.
5422182 Well, everything I don't point out is good, it's practically the default state. But if you want something specific, I especially liked... erm... that... erm... thing at the place you wrote about? Sorry, I suck at giving compliments, but rest assured that I enjoy the story very much or I wouldn't have faved it.
Direct addresses need commas, man. Otherwise, we have this weird fusion of characters that just doesn't make any sense.
But yeah, like I said before, this story is much enjoyable when it's a story and not a dump of headcanon. Enjoying this story more and more.
And the plot keeps getting thicker... Now I don't know which of the two cliffhangers I want resolved first.
5425665
Yup, you're absolutetly correct, and I knew that, too. Thanks for both pointing it out and the explanation behind it. Seems that no matter how intense, or how often, I proofread something things just slip past me. ::sighs::
I'm glad you're enjoying the story, too!
5426940
What makes you think there's only going to be two?
Was anyone else expecting Trixie's response to be "Was there ever any doubt?"
5427344 Oh you are evil.
*dealings
Sunset as an RA is actually pretty fitting. Huh.
Dammit, I want Human!Sunset in a suit in some corporate office. Why does nobody share my headcanon?
Anyway that was some comedy gold right there, followed by feels. I like this chapter.
5427360
I'd actually considered that scene progressing with Trixie being her usual self, and speaking her familiar third-person. But when I started writing it and considered some things I chose to go the way I did.
For a change Trixie wasn't grandstanding (well, much, anyway, compared to her usual motivations). She was flattered that she'd been included in the call for help, and when she came forward to pick the lock (which she really thought she could do) she truly wanted to help out as her primary motivation (as compared garnering accolades as her only motivation).
Her "I did it" was actually as much a reaction to realizing she'd actually helped as it was having succeeded in picking the lock (well, thinking she had, anyway).
Yay for Trixie!
Now, I haven't seen the episode in quite some time, but I'm pretty sure Luna had mostly dropped the "old English" style of speaking by "Sleepless in Ponyville." Given that this is post-RR, this is also post-Sleepless. You might wanna fix that up.
How curious.
Dun dun dun
It seems like there might be hope for human Twilight making friends. Maybe?
5431095
I have a particular reason for that decision. Unfortunately, that's likely to take a chapter or two before it becomes clear.
Friendship is magic, after all.
>eye twitches
I keep noticing small typos like this. Maybe you should get yourself an editor or two? A couple extra sets of eyes make it easier to catch mistakes.
5456665
I guess I'll give you the benefit of the doubt... for now.
5456860
Actually, my wife reads and reviews them before I post. I suppose I'm going to have to fire her.
I've requested via mail a couple people to assist me; I've never heard back as of yet ::shrugs::
5457056
*coughs, then hums to himself*
5457163
Is that a hand raised back there, volunteering?
5460224 I guess so. Sure, why not.
Hmhmhmhmhmmmm, Sunset got a crush on the first stallion she laid eyes upon in her new form, similar to what happened to Twilight and Flash. Does someone share my headcanon that this is due to the abrupt hormonal changes induced by being turned into the member of another species?
Draining magic? Huh. Interesting.
5460828
I'm pretty sure all the Royal Guardsponies Sunset Shimmer had interacted with both at Canterlot Castle and Friendship Rainbow Kingdom Castle might disagree with Crescent being the first stallion she'd seen.
5461383 Well the first one she got a closer look on anyway. Twilight technically saw some guy walking his dog too before bumping into Flash. Smell probably has something to do with it as well.
Also what is this? Chapter 9 shows up as unread? Can it be that I accidentally skipped a chapter? Let me take a look.
Welp, somehow I did skip this chapter. I blame Masterius for updating so often.
5461851
Figures that I'd jinx it.
Sooooo... you ever gonna update again? I known this story unfortunately doesn't have the amount of views it deserves, but I enjoyed it very much and would be devastated if you just left me hanging like that.
I finally read through this after having it in my 'to read' folder for ages. Egads, I took too long! It's a good story thus far, and I'm looking forward to seeing it continue!
Fortunately for Human!Twilight, Princess Twilight is able to look after her Spike.
Also, yay, the story lives!
So...is there a reason you've suddenly bumped this rating to M?