Endgame
The following day came and went, with no contact from Rainbow Dash.
Twilight paced around her living room once more.
"Spike, what if something happened to her?"
The young dragon's normally calm demeanor evaporated. Usually, Spike was the voice of reason to Twilight's occasional manic episodes. Usually, Spike knew his roommate was accustomed to making mountains out of molehills. However, usually, a scientific experiment gone awry was not the cause.
"She can take care of herself, this is Rainbow Dash we're talking about here!" Spike replied.
"A hyper-intelligent Rainbow Dash! Who knows what kind of trouble she's gotten herself into! This is Rainbow Dash we're talking about here!"
Spike sat on the couch. "Good point..." He rubbed his chin in thought before an idea struck like lightning. "Hey, why don't you ask the princesses if they've seen her?"
Twilight's eyes brightened. "Spike, you're a genius!" She quickly penned a letter to her superiors and sent it off in a puff of green fire.
Within moments, a reply arrived, announced by a belch of green flames.
My most faithful student,
Rainbow Dash is doing fine, she is however exhausted from the rigors of her test, and has decided to sleep in the palace instead of attempting to fly back to Ponyville. It is my pleasure to inform you that she passed with flying colors, achieving the highest grade possible on the exam! As is customary, she is entitled to stay as long as she wishes, and she has in fact taken a great interest in the political dilemmas facing the kingdom. I must admit it is refreshing to allow a fresh set of eyes to examine our most daunting issues. You are of course, more than welcome to visit the palace at any time.
Yours eternally,
Princess Celestia
Twilight breathed a heavy sigh of relief, comforted by the knowledge that her friend/test subject was doing just fine. "Well, at least she passed her test."
Spike sat up on the couch. "Wait, so you aren't worried about that last part? About how Rainbow and her super-intelligent brain is looking over all that political stuff?"
Twilight smiled, taking Spike by surprise. Ordinarily, this would be a perfect moment for Twilight to have one of her episodes.
"Spike, don't be silly, the princesses have over two thousand years of political experience! I'm sure they'll temper her suggestions with their sage wisdom."
"All I'm saying is, the Changelings can be placated by a simple trade agreement."
The royal court held silence, listening intently on Dash's proposal.
"And what do you propose they offer us in exchange for a few ponies volunteering their services to produce the love they need to survive? We must not allow them to believe we are paying them a tribute to keep them from attacking us again," Luna replied firmly.
Rainbow thought for a moment. "The Changelings produce chitin, a compound found only in the deepest mines and in their molted exoskeletons, that's used in everything from cosmetics to spices. As of now, it costs five hundred bits to produce one ounce of this material. If we strike a deal with them, the price will drop to fifty bits per ounce."
A noble stroked his beard before speaking. "How will lowering the price effect the economy? It seems that some powerful executives may not appreciate this drop in revenue."
Dash smiled. "That's just it. As of now certain items are only available to the wealthy, but making them affordable and accessible to more ponies is going to mean more profit in the long run, as well as more tax revenue for the crown."
Silence filled the council chamber as Celestia and Luna considered the proposal.
"It makes sense. If Queen Chrysalis will accept the terms, then we will supply her kind with a few ponies each month in a rotation, in return for the compound." Celestia ruled. A bang of her gavel, and the meeting was adjourned.
As the other nobles filed out of the chamber, the Princesses caught up with her.
"Rainbow Dash, that was quite a shrewd proposal! I had no idea you were so well versed in trade agreements," Princess Luna complimented.
"Well, I wasn't, but after my test, I decided to check out the library, did a little reading, and well, here we are!" She smiled.
"It was certainly unexpected, but perhaps we could solicit your advice on a few other matters that have been brought to our attention?"
"Actually... yeah, I think I can help out."
"Alright Spike, I'll only be gone for the evening. I need to make sure Rainbow gets this antidote," Twilight said, her saddlebags packed and slung around her shoulders. It had taken her all day to create the antidote, and night was soon to fall.
"Don't worry, I'll keep things under control while you're gone."
She smiled, giving Spike a hug before leaving. "I know I can count on you."
In a flash of purple magic, Twilight disappeared. As the smoke cleared, Spike breathed a sigh of relief. "Now that she's out of the house, I can finally get some reading done." He sat on the couch and opened his favorite comic book, removing the bookmark and settling in before a knock came from the door.
Spike groaned in annoyance as he forced himself from the couch. "Who is it?" he asked, approaching the door.
"It is a normal pony citizen in need of the library!" an extremely high pitched voice answered.
Spike paused. "What the..." He opened the door. his eyes went wide. "Oh shi—!"
Twilight appeared outside the castle gates, the two guards stationed there rendering a salute. "Good evening, Princess Twilight."
"Evening," she said looking around for anything out of the ordinary. "Anything strange or unusual happen in the past day or so?"
The guards looked at each other. "Nothing to report, Princess."
"Very well then. Is Rainbow Dash still here?"
"Yes, Your Highness, she was last holding afternoon court with the Princesses."
Twilight huffed. I've never been asked to afternoon court!
"Thank you."
She strolled into the palace gardens on her way to the massive front doors of the castle. Twilight stopped in front of the doors and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. Everything is going to be fine. I'm going to walk in here, and Princess Celestia and Luna will be right there on their throne, happy to see me, she assured herself before opening the door and allowing the crier to announce her. What she sees in front of her nearly drops her jaw to the floor.
"Rainbow?!"
Dash sat lazily on the throne of Equestria, Celestia's regalia hanging loosely around her shoulders and head. "Hey, Twilight!" she said happily.
"What... how?"
"Well, funny story..." Dash began, kicking her hind hooves over the side of the throne. "After I came back from my Wonderbolts test—which I aced by the way—I decided to stop by the palace for the night. I was pretty exhausted, but it turns out I only needed about two hours of sleep before I was wide awake. Then, I hit the library and did a little research on whatever I could get my hooves on. It was then I discovered an ancient spell that warps time itself! Given, I had to translate it from ancient Equen, but that wasn't too hard once I powered through a few books on it. Anyway, I get Princess Luna to cast it for me, and I was able to read every book in the entire Canterlot library in one hour! Even though it felt like a week on my end."
Twilight was at a loss for words. "You... you read every book?"
"Yeah! Then I got invited to sit in on the royal court, and helped them with some of their problems. After that, they told me neither of them had taken a vacation in over five hundred years! Can you believe that? Anyway, I told them they shouldn't spend another second in this castle and so they took off to Saddle Arabia. By the way, have you noticed almost everything is named after some kind of pony pun? What is that about? Anyway, before they left, I talked them into opening the books for me, and they pretty much left me in charge while they were gone."
A moment of silence ticked by before Twilight was able to process everything that had been revealed to her. "So, hang on... you talked the Princesses out of their own jobs?"
Dash put a hoof to her chin. "Yeah, I guess I did, huh?"
Twilight could no longer hold her tongue. She had to tell Rainbow what had happened, what she had done. "Rainbow, there's something I have to tell—"
"Oh, before I forget, I made peace with the Changelings!"
Twilight raised an eyebrow. How on earth had she been able to sate the insatiable appetite of the creatures that feasted exclusively on love? "You did?"
"Yeah, a simple trade agreement and it's all good!" She smiled. "Sorry for cutting you off, what was it you wanted to say?"
Twilight considered her options. After all, making peace with a longtime enemy was certainly an accomplishment, especially when trained diplomats had been unable to pull it off. "Uhm... it wasn't that important." Perhaps she could just slip it in her drink. Although the most effective method of ingestion was far less comfortable and far more... invasive.
Rainbow gasped, "Oh yeah! I almost forgot! So, you read the paper, right?" Dash asked, standing from the throne as the guards removed her regalia.
"Yes," Twilight answered cautiously.
"So you also know that the Griffons have been acting a bit boisterously lately, right? Pushing around their smaller neighbors, annexing traditional Zebracan lands and the like to name a few instances."
"Yeah, Princess Celestia has been working on some kind of deal, but they won't budge," Twilight recalled, having corresponded with her mentor during some of her more stressful periods.
"Right, well according to our spies inside the empire, it's because they're working on a secret weapon estimated to be greater than or equal to our magic. If they achieve something like that, then it could be a toss up as to whether or not the Princesses could keep them in check with their magic alone." Dash walked out of the throne room and down a short hallway. "So, I decided to do something for the Princesses while they were gone."
Twilight followed Dash up a spiral staircase and out to a small room with two guards and a doorway on the opposite end. "Okay, and what would that be?"
Rainbow smiled. "To conquer the Griffon Empire! Duh!"
Twilight's pupils shrank to pinholes. "What?!"
"I know! Brilliant right? I spent hours trying to think of the best way to achieve a lasting peace with them, and I kept coming back to a single solution: conquer them ourselves!"
"But... Rainbow, you'd need an army! We don't have anything but the Royal Guard! Where are you going to get one hundred thousand ponies?"
Dash looked toward the door at the far end of the room. At her nod, the guards opened it and she walked out onto the balcony, followed by Twilight. "I already took care of that," Rainbow said.
Before Twilight stretched multiple brigades all the way to the rear of the parade grounds, each holding the sun and moon banner as it snapped and fluttered in the breeze above them. Spears and short swords pointed jaggedly towards the sky as squadrons of pegasi zoomed overhead. They chanted their loyalty in unison to their new princess like thunder from a storm cloud.
"How is this even possible?"
"Remember that cloning pool Pinkie found near Ponyville? Turns out there's another, much larger one beneath the castle! So, I took our bravest, strongest earth pony, pegasus and unicorn warriors and cloned them exponentially until I had the army I needed! And since they're all clones, they all already know how to fight! With this much ponypower, none can withstand the might of Canterlot! We march on their capital tomorrow! Is that awesome or what?" Dash asked, waiting for a response from Twilight. "Twilight?" Dash turned to see Twilight passed out on the floor beside her.
"I knew she'd love it!"
Twilight woke up in a bed, two guards by her bedside. "Ugh... what happened?
"You lost consciousness, and Princess Dash ordered us to take you to a bedchamber."
"Princess Dash?" Twilight parroted. "Alright, this has gone on for long enough." Twilight fished a bullet shaped pill out of her saddlebag and tucked it behind her ear. "Where is she now?"
"I believe she is leading the Celestial Army to the Griffon capitol."
Twilight shot out of the window of the bedroom and headed west, sure that she could catch up to such a massive force.
After flying for an hour, she finally notices the snakelike form of the hundred thousand strong army as it wound its way toward the Griffon capitol in the distance. Right in the middle of the column sat an ornate chariot, where Rainbow Dash stood in her newly fitted crown and chest piece, smiling happily as though she was on a leisurely afternoon stroll.
Twilight landed beside her, breathless.
"Rainbow... you need... to take this... I accidentally..."
"Dosed me with an experimental drug without my consent?" Rainbow completed.
"How did you..."
"Know? C'mon, at first I didn't know how I got so smart, but then I realized it happened after drinking that tea at your house. I've had your tea before, and it never did anything like this to me, so it wasn't hard to connect the dots."
"Look, Dash, I'm sorry, but it was an accident, it fell into the teapot when Spike lost his balance." Twilight looked around, the massive army drawing dangerously close to being within range of the siege engines and starting a world war. "Rainbow, you have to take this antidote and turn this thing around! War is not the answer!"
"Pfft," Rainbow mocked. "Are you kidding? Of course it is. You know good and well that they would do the same to us in a heartbeat. You know that stodgy old Emperor is still mad about how Celestia kicked his grandfather's butt in the Griffon wars." Dash looked back at Twilight. "Now, I'm not taking that pill, and you aren't gonna force me to eat it, so go wait for me back at the palace. Celestia and Luna will both be super stoked when they hear I took out their chief rival."
"Rainbow, Princess Celestia has never advocated violence as a way to solve the country's problems and you know it!"
"Exactly! That's why we have half the problems we have! When you look at things logically, this is the clear solution!"
Twilight began to panic. She couldn't overpower Rainbow, not with such a massive army here to back her up, and she couldn't call them off herself, as they appeared to be loyal only to Dash. Twilight sighed. Quietly, she slowly slid the pill behind her ear down her neck and then her leg, sneaking it behind Rainbow Dash with her magic without her noticing.
"You're right, Rainbow, I can't get you to swallow this pill against your will... but I there's one thing you didn't consider."
Dash scoffed, raising an eyebrow and glancing towards Twilight. "Not likely. But I'll humor you. What?"
Twilight locked eyes with her out-of-control pal. "It's a suppository."
Rainbow's eyes widened as Twilight drove her point home with her magic.
"AHHHHH!" Rainbow fluttered above her chariot, both hooves holding her rear. "Twilight, what the hell?!"
Before Twilight could answer, she noticed the fire in Rainbow's eyes began to fade. Eventually she looked around, as though she'd just woken up from a dream. "What's going on?"
"You're about to invade the Griffon Empire," Twilight explained calmly.
"What?!"
"They'll turn around if you tell them to, and we can sort all this out later. How does that sound?" Twilight asked probingly, making sure the real Rainbow was back.
"Sounds good!"
In the knick of time, the army wheels back around, and those who had helped create the massive clone army began sending them back to whence they came, much as how Twilight had dealt with the Pinkie situation.
"Wow, I really went crazy there for a second didn't I?" Dash asked, after they'd returned to the castle.
"Yes, but that was partly my fault. But, you passed your Wonderbolts test with flying colors!"
Rainbow grinned from ear to ear. "Awesome! I knew I could do it!"
As Dash celebrated, a guard approached with a letter in his wing. "Your Highness, a letter from Scribe Spike had arrived for you from Ponyville."
Twilight thanked him and took the letter, opening it and surprised to find it of few words.
Mice returned for revenge.
Town taken over.
HELP!
Cordially yours,
Spike
"Got any more of that antidote?" Dash asked teasingly.
Twilight sighed. "Not nearly as much as I'm gonna need."
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Twilight created a monster. But what she creates, she destroy.
Also, Dash's test result needs to be voided.
5456962 It's not cheating unless it's intentional, and at the time, Dash had no idea she was under the effects of a performance enhancing substance. Additionally, it could be argued that the pill doesn't heighten intelligence, it simply allows the consumer to unleash their mind's full potential. As such it is entirely possible that, even without the pill, Dash would have passed the test with only a slightly lower score, and she shouldn't be punished for something that was outside her control. As my parents are very fond of telling me, "Rules are made to be broken."
Which is why I make my own drinks, so this doesn't happen
And now Twilight is going to have to make hundreds on tiny mouse suppositories.
Twilight, you saw what Rainbow could do with that pill. Such a filthy, moronic plebian, elevated to a princess capable of far greater achievements than yourself. Nothing she did was wrong. She could have done a better job than any number of princesses could have.
Do my words sting? Do they infuriate you? Is it, perhaps, because you know that they are true? Oh, but my dear Twilight, I'm so sorry for hurting you. I don't want to hurt you. I only want what's best for you. And you know that the truth hurts, don't you? I only want to help, Twilight. And I'm telling you, this world is in need of a new ruler. A better ruler. After taking the pill, Rainbow was able to do everything you could...better. Aren't you curious as to what all of the Canterlot Archives contain? Don't you want to prove Rainbow wrong, that war isn't the solution, that Celestia is right?
Aren't you curious as to what will happen if you were to take the pill?
Isn't that what you want above all else, as a scientist? To have knowledge? To know what's right and what's wrong? To seek the truth? To be omniscient? To know? For Celestia to hold you, nuzzle you, whisper how smart you are, how much of a success you are, how proud she is that you were her faithful student? You only need to take the pill, Twilight. You have the antidote, don't you? If anything goes wrong, just slam it home and you'll be alright. You've nothing to lose. Do it Twilight. Carpe diem. Seize the day. Seize it, Twilight.
Seize your destiny.
and they all lived happily ever after. until twilight ignored her lessons again, and fucks up even worse than before.
Dammit, Dash was this close to being empress.
Way to ruin a perfectly good conquest, Twilight!
5457299 Right? I mean, just because one pony wants to enslave her kinds enemies and ensure peace through iron-hoofed rule, all of the sudden she's the bad guy.
Ah, Princessor Farnsworth Sparkle...
5457366 I was wondering who would pick up on that. Kudos!
Nicodemus is back!
I knew the thing with the mice was going to happen. Should have let Rainbow Dash keep her intelligence.
So... robotic?
I dunno. It's like the story skipped a couple hundred chapters, while attempting to suck the soul and personality from these beloved characters.
It's not funny enough to be a comedy. And it's not serious enough to be a drama.
I'm honestly baffled at what I'd read.
It's not terrible by any stretch. It's just forgettable.
5457311
Exactly! It's a tried-but-true method and she had every right to enact the total and final equine domination of the griffons.
5457760 what kind of name is owlowliscious? horse world is filled with absurd names!
The ending felt a bit rushed and dull, with a poorly tacked on "good guys, win bad guys lose" and/or cheap "winners don't use drugs" message at the end.
5457946 where are you getting a "winners don't use drugs" message?
This is beautiful
Will Dash keep the memories and information that she'd gained on the pills when she get the antidote?
5458491 maybe a few things, but she's back to normal
The ending felt rather rushed.
SHE KNOWS
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
YES! YES!
5459052 Looking back on it, I'd have to agree. It ran out of steam towards the end there didn't it?
Thats kind of.. dark.
Even if Rainbow did try to start a war, giving her a lobotomy is a bit
. Suddenly just losing all that intelligence must feel like being blinded with a melon baller.
I'm sure there's a version of that cover image out there somewhere that says "Guess where this one goes" or something of the like, but I guess that would ruin the surprise.
Hilarious and short, this story did not overstay it's welcome and is better for it.
5460999
Nah, it's okay, the side effects of the antidote are obviously amnesia and being very, very open to suggestion. I mean, Twilight didn't even have to explain anything to get Dash to do what she wanted!
...
Wow, Twilight countered an intelligence potion with a date rape suppository; extremely effective in a society that doesn't wear pants...
5459823 now she must die!
Okay this went south WAY faster than I expected, but at least it didn't end up as terribad as I was afraid of
Of course a stupid pill would be a suppository.
Next chapter Twilight accidentally takes it herself while trying to get the mice to.
5457185 Fool, I took the pill... I know where it leads!
It made me... ME!!
*Yes, upon that fateful day, the humble lab technician Charles was mutated by the genius juice into the diabolically insane mass genocidal omniscient god-moding super-tyrant, Lord Alondro, the Troll King and the Deus Ex Insert!!*
A billion worlds have turned to ash at my touch... with giant trollfaces put in their place.
This would have been Equestria's fate had Twilight not stopped her. Knowledge is power, and absolute knowledge equals absolute power, which then makes you absolutely corrupt and absolutely insane and then you watch DBZ: Abridged repeatedly while giggling madly in your laboratory at midnight while the cleaning crew make efforts to avoid eye contact with you lest you strike up a conversation about weird harem anime like "My Bride Is a Mermaid" or "Cat Planet Cuties".
Rainbow's test results should be voided... that's cheating...
not like I ever cheat
I don't like how this story ended.
5482793 I know, but many people think it is impossible or would cause physics to go out of whack or some kind of super-collapse of space and or time
I don't know, I just work with corpses for a living
I hate Twilight in this fic. I really do.
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I hate double posts. And Elves, those guys are annoying.
Dash had a point. That kind of aggression can be efficiently solved with overwhelming counteraggression.
Haha, Dashie this made me laugh. A. Lot!
This is when we know she's gotten too smart. Next, she'll notice that teacups have handles and shovels don't make any ergonomic sense - almost as if they weren't designed for pony use!
The simulation is becoming self-aware, and needs to be eliminated.
Hah! spike, always the gentledragon.
5468463 Well, that is where every idiot keeps their head.
5749565 Oh then it would turn into Winning.
5466981 actually, that was originally based on a book by the name of "Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH".
It's well written, but I did not like (to put it mildly) the anti-intellectualism.
So the moral of the story is...super smart people are evil, and rulers who have been in place for a long time will jump at the chance to leave their domain under the care of someone they barely know at all?
5935851 the princesses one might be right, but I don't think smart people being evil is necessarily true. Dash did the research, and came to the logical conclusion that to attain truly lasting peace, the enemies of the state had to be neutralized. It's twilight that thought it was wrong, not evil.
5936621 The problem with that is that you didn't show any of that research really happening, or give much insight as to how a character who has historically been free-spirited turned domineering to the point of taking over the world. All that's really shown is Become Smart->Want to take over the world.
5946208
A rational character learned about politics and business, the current geopolitical situation, then came up with the only solution to a major problem, until Twilight fucking neutered her with a mind-rape drug that Rainbow Dash was obviously opposed to. I consider Twilight to be the villain here. Not only did she essentially murder Dash's greater being, she sabotaged what she knew was the only trustworthy solution to a looming problem, and turned the interim ruler of Equestria back into a dumb athlete, against her will, without the knowledge of the rulers in absentia, all because she thought "war was bad," even though according to the smartest being in Equestria, war with the griffons was inevitable and putting off an invasion of crushing force would most likely lead to a war magnitudes longer and deadlier. And now they're facing a threat from a faction of intelligence-enhanced mice, with the only person capable of defeating them having been reduced to an ineffectual nobody compared to what she was before. All for the sake of comedy.
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The last chapter of this story is fucking awful, and you should feel ashamed for trying to pass off this awful normative bullshit as comedy. This story warrants a dark tag.
6036916 I'm not ashamed of anything I write. You can hate it if you want, but I write what I want to, and if you don't like it, that's on you.
Also, it's tagged as a comedy. So yeah, logical things are sacrificed for the sake of comedy. SURPRISE!