I'm a brony, what more do you want.
During the aftermath of the changeling invasion, changeling hysteria has hit Equestria. Even Ponyville has had it's brush with this madness. Princess Celestia tells Twilight to create a spell that would make changelings drop their disguises in hopes of ending the hysteria, and test it out on her friends. But one pony is not happy with it.
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I'm seeing several spelling/grammatical errors.
For example:
First of all, punctuation after spoken dialogue should be before the closing quotation mark:
well done,"
Second, who is Rariet? I assume you meant Rarity.
Third, 'exlaimed' should be spelled exclaimed.
All of that is just from one line. The rest of the story has a bunch of other errors that you should probably look at in your own time.
...
All right. Now that I've gotten my grammar fix for the day, I'd like to comment on the story itself.
It seems casual enough to merit the "Slice of Life" tag. At the same time, however, the introduced conflict seems to be resolved far too easily. Years of hiding, but Twilight and Applejack immediately drop their suspicions?
*Sees that story is marked Incomplete*
Well, I suppose if you're going to bring in more conflict, that's fine. But, the introduction is supposed to hook the reader. From reading the entirety of the first chapter, I feel no obligation to stick around for the next part.
...
Now I've gotten my overly critical thinking fix for the day.
That's a cool changeling picture of Rainbow Dash. Where'd you find that?
....... I think I can help a teeny bit.
"So you are a changeling?"
I think you meant: "So, are you a changeling?"
"Because I beleive that you are the real Rainbow Dash not just a phony"
'Because, I believe that you are the real Rainbow Dash, not just a phony"
This is only a tiny bit of poor sentence writing.
The spelling was pretty bad, so unfortunately, I'm going to have to give it a thumbs down.
Sorry.
1563928 Art here
I'm not sorry when I say no... just no.
How do I describe this story?
theord.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/thisSucks.png
It's basically just "Forever A Changeling" with horrible grammar and reactions that are far off the mark. After discovering that Rainbow Dash is a changeling, Twilight and Applejack just drop their suspicions in about two minutes without even doing anything to actually prove that it's the real Rainbow Dash? No interrogation? No memory spell? Just going on the word of Spike? *engages sarcasm mode* How in character! *turns of sarcasm mode* You should probably get an editor to help with the grammar and re-watch the show to learn how to write the characters, well, in character. I do like the picture though.
Whut? That's pretty damn distressing, methinks.
I came at this fic in a vengeful mood, I wanted to review what happened to be before me to bits and violate its comment sections with the TWE stamp. And yet...this wasn't so bad, at least at first.
There's a grammatical issues and typos abounding, but nothing a prereader wouldn't catch and none of it is too bad. The idea was decent and the premise, if rushed as most beginning writers to do, was brought in well enough to follow. In short, I was placated from my aimless vindictiveness.
Then I got to the second half of the story.
It's just...no. It might as well have been a "And then they all
ed!" moment. It feels like it's trying - and failing - to be a complete story as it is now. The dialogue could use work, but the true culprit there is characterization. They just up and out are cool with Rainbow Dashling? That's the kind of thing that could be a tens of thousands word fic, with the different characters conflicted and feeling different ways, and dealing with the outing of Dashling in different ways.
There's a reason the letters are written at the end of an episode. It's a way to conclude the storyline, not bait the reader into more.
As it is, what you've written isn't story. It's a good idea, certainly, and good props to you for tackling it, but the execution is as much a story as "Once upon a time happilly ever after the end" is. It's like two pieces of bread pretending to be a sandwich, without actually having anything between them.
I tried to read this, then gave up when I got to this piece of drivel:
If you can't tell what's wrong, then obviously you never paid attention to any book you've ever read, period. The entire thing is worded in such a fucked up manner that I can't even figure out where to begin by my normal means. So I'll just start at the top and work down.
Either "Dear Twilight Sparkle", or "To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle". Using "dear" in the way you did creates awkward badness.
Huh? This looks like a botched translation or some crap. I don't even...
Have you not even watched the damn show? Celestia would never refer to the others as "your ponyville friends". Try, "Make sure this information gets to the other Elements". Still somewhat off, but far more believeable.
Capitalize the first word of every sentence. No exceptions. Also, you might want to specify how many years we're talking about. Otherwise... it's just awkward.
Run on sentence runs on.
First off, you never stated up until this point that there was much more than suspicion that a changeling might be in the vicinity of Ponyville. And now Celestia's talking about it like it's complete certainty. Seems legit. Also, wasn't such a spell already used at some point in the season finale? And I don't think that "undiscuise" is a word. If it was though, you can bet that "c" would be a "g".
If there's that much wrong with that letter alone, I cannot read the rest, and noone else should read it either.
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
TWE's Advisory Artillery
asmcint
Oh look, another completely original changeling fic!
members.shaw.ca/sunwukong/frink_sarcasm.gif
I actually feel physically sick from reading this
it could have been soo much more
All characters are extreamily OOC , their reactions could be better too
Oh and I just found my new wallpaper
Thanks for the pic
This could have been better. Not as bad as some are saying, but there is room for improvement.
Grade: C+
I love how this story started out....then after I got to Spike confronting her....i kinda wanted to stop....I didn't....but i wanted to, this could have been longer, and better, but it seemed like at the end you were trying to rush it. If you try to rush a story it's not going to be a good story, you need to take your time with it or it's going to turn into...well...this. Take your time next time and really think it through and it will turn out much better.
god damn that was rushed
when will it be complete i am eager to read more
any word on next chapter?
next chapter?