• Member Since 6th Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Seth Typofather

All bow before my horrible chatroom grammar!


Since deciding to try her hoof at performing for the residents of Saddlearabia at the insistence of her new friend, Twilight Sparkle, after the alicorn amulet incident she figured it would be a walk in the park. To woo the crowd before her, the Great and Powerful Trixie attempted something so magnificent and so dangerous. Something she would regret for the rest of her life, or would she?

Rated teen for language and slight violence.

Credit to fongsaunder for the cover art.

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 16 )

Interesting, I want to see where does this goes. Have a fav.

Very interesting. Not something I would read on daily basis, but curiosity is killing me.
Have a Trixie: :trixieshiftright:

So, the alicorn amulet is still kicking, huh?

Interesting that 'determinator' feeling you're imprinting on Trixie btw, good chapter.

This is disgraceful. Absolutely disgraceful.

Only fifteen upvotes on an interesting story with a genuinely novel concept? Disgraceful. There should be many more.

Are you advertising this to the proper groups?

I completely agree with this guy. This story is interesting and well thought, it deserves at least fifty likes.

On a side note, what's up with Ponyville being some kind of jerkville? Even in canon it seems that the population is mostly constituted on idiots, jerks and a minority of likable characters.

5166494 To be fair, it sounds logical after what happened. She put the mayor in a bird cage then forced the entire town to be her slaves, like Sombra did with the Crystal Ponies but on a minor scale.

I suppose, but with Trix being possessed it's more like Nightmare Moon than like sombra. and you don't see Luna being banned from Equestria. Just a thought.

5168665 Before the amulet, Ponyville did not view her too well either. I like to think of the amulet as the final straw, or the whole hay bale.

Makes some levels of sense, but in a more objectivistic point of view, it's still unfair. Considering they haven't banned Spike for almost destroying the town by his own or Twilight for successfully destroying the town with parasprites.
Anyway, just a different point of view to have in mind, your approach is good by its own and I like it.

5168739 Yeah, Ponyville is not known for its government that well... Anyway, thank you for your support.

Isn't tampering with the mail a crime?

5193459 Well, in the way she does it, yes. I guess she was just too excited and forgot to call in her unicorn mail checkers.

And that kids, it's how Mayor Mare went from Mayor Quimby all the way down to Big Brother.
I mean, abuse of power (illegal), invasion of privacy (illegal) and when she just learned that Trixie became the unicorn equivalent of a paraplegic, what's her first reaction? Even more abuse of power (again, illegal). The jerk-o-meter is about to expl-- BOOM!

P.S.: Good chapter btw.

Review time, since Seth wanted one.

Snoring on a hammock Trixie snuggled up in the blanket that was wrapped around her, the hammock itself felt rather itchy but then again, that’s what the blanket was for.

This is a run on sentence that came off kinda awkward. Perhaps it'd be better with something like:
Trixie laid snuggled up in her hammock. She used a thick blanket to protect herself against the itchiness of the hammock's ropes.

“Wake up.” A stern voice commanded.

I'm just going to leave this link; click it and read: http://www.thecreativepenn.com/2014/01/09/writing-fiction-dialogue/

“Seven fifty to me counts as morning, now get up and we shall begin your training.” Zecora commanded again.

That's an oddly specific time and I doubt Zecora has clocks. Might have been been if she just said the sun was up as a way of showing it's morning.

“Good.” Smiled Zecora. “Now eat up your breakfast quickly, we have a lot to go through this day.”

You don't smile words. Zecora could smile before bits of dialogue or say something with a smile, but you can't have, "Spoken words," smiled the character. That doesn't make sense.

Picking up a cup with her hooves she drank, then spat it out with disgust. “Eegh! What is this stuff?!” Spat Trixie.

That bit of narration is awkward, and it might benefit from a bit of extra detail. Maybe something like: She looked at the cup and tentatively took a sip, causing her to gag. Also, you used Spat in back to back statements.

She sunk down on the stool, she was the first Lulamoon in centuries to have broken the cycle of travelling performers.

Those statements don't really belong together in the same sentence.

Her father by now must have received a letter regarding her incident and is probably on his way to Ponyville right now.

Using now twice in the same sentence is bad.

“Potion making relates to alchemy quite a bit.” Zecora answered. “Maths being one of them.”

“Maths?!” Moaned Trixie, slumping her forelegs against her sides like a foal.

“Yes, maths.” The shaman smirked, tossing down a box full of ingredients and a sheet of instructions. “Follow each direction exactly, if not we shall repeat this the next day.”

It should be math, not maths.

the most she can call that smile is pleasantly annoying.

Didn't capitalize the start of this sentence.

Yawned the azure unicorn, her head seemingly slamming against the table for a quick snooze.

Either it did slam against the table or it didn't. If you want it to be that it didn't but came close, use nearly instead of seemingly.

Awkward or poorly worded sentences seem to be a running theme in this. It really needs an editor. Outside of the technical side of the writing, it's alright. By the numbers but executed well enough.

Blunt Review is done, boyo. Check it out over here.

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