• Member Since 26th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 26th, 2020


Put the cart before the horse, mix things up, and look at them in a different way.


Now completed! (Comments may contain unmarked spoilers.)

A decade after Princess Celestia dies and names Twilight Sparkle her successor, Equestria splits along racial and partisan lines. Equestria's cities have declared independence and are at war.

The conflict engulfs Ponyville. Teenage Pound and Pumpkin Cake team up, using their talents of flight and magic to protect their loved ones. But the twins later join polar opposite factions of the war, and now their rivalry risks plunging all of Equestria into ruin...

The story complies with season 1-3 canon, but differs from the comics and season 4 onward.

Chapters (51)
Comments ( 643 )

A Very interesting story to say the least. I found no grammer errors, and a few other errors.
In Chapter 2, change "104" to "One Hundred and 4". Using numbers in writing is very unprofessional.

And when i read "Unicornia", I facepalmed :facehoof:
That is not a very... creative name. I'd suggest changing it to something else, not using the word "Unicorn" in it. Or possibly even have Blueblood change the name later in the story.

Otherwise, i saw no other errors.

3168997 Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, I didn't like calling it Unicornia either, but couldn't really think of anything else to call it. I guess I'll try to think of something else. Maybe I'll start referring to it as "The Second Kingdom" in a callout to the third Reich in Germany.

Hello, as you ask me to (as authors helping authors). Here is my review of your story.

First, I won’t do grammar review for the reasons that I ain’t a native speaker, thus forbidding me to pretend to correct a native one that, on the other hand, shows more knowledge about it than me.

Second, I’ve seen it is a sequel from one of your other stories, featured in the “Unicornverse”. I think that they may be some interesting things to learn about this universe from the first story. Yet, it is a standalone therefore I didn’t go reading the first story.

This said; here is my point of view on your story.

- I felt bad reading what happened to Pumpkin, meaning that your writing is good and brings feelings to the reader.
- You focus on a background pony which is praiseworthy.

- Like said jtc09999, Unicornia is a little bit off I think. But as I assumed you used the name in your original story, you can’t do nothing right now about it ^^’.
- What is interesting in a warfic or every dark/adventure fics is the unknown. The reason behind the war, the motivations of the antagonist(s), etc… I think that you should not reveal the reasons and most of the story directly in the prologue. You lose a lot of potential intrigues and shenanigans while doing this. Keep the reasons hidden and the characters’ motivations uncertain. That will enable you to create a lot more chapters and intrigue possibilities. Do not unveil everything right away. You lose all the potential of a story like that.

Overall appreciation

This story has a very good potential and the only thing I can advise you is not to close doors to yourself. Keep things hidden to titillate the readers’ minds. This might be called “constant cliffhangers” but it is what forces the readers to stay and fav’ your story. Because they want to know what’s next.

Keep going!

[notes] - 7.5/10

You reviewed my story, so I shall review yours just because you asked. And this is my first time reviewing something. I'm not a good reviewer, but I can certainly try.

Name of Story: Sufficient Unto the Day
Grammar score: 9
1: I quite like the idea of unicorns wanting to take over everything.
2: Blueblood has never caught my eye in fics, because I don't really care for him. But then I read this, and my perspective on him has changed forever.
3: Trixie is in this story. I like Trixie. I also like how you portrayed her in this story. And now that I think about it, I could see Trixie and Blueblood as a couple. And suddenly, I get a story idea.

1: Twilight is now sending letters to Luna. I don't mind this at all, but what happened to Celestia? You don't tell us what happened to her.
That's about all I can think of.

I like this story. It has a very interesting concept, and I look forward to seeing future updates.

3172092 Thanks! Yeah, The Trouble With Unicorns explains what happened to Celestia. It also gives the world through Blueblood's eyes, and he's the protagonist of it.

Turn around review for you, so let’s get on with it.

Story: Sufficient unto the Day

Grammar score out of 10: 8.5. Quite good, mostly little things.

1. You are certainly selling the evil of the Second Kingdom
2. Well formatted and grammatically sound
3. Trixie and Blueblood are a natural pairing and can work well together.

1. Initial preface feels clunky and doesn't flow well.
2. A few instances of overly long run-on sentences.
3. Relies significantly on universe specific assumed knowledge.

The Second Kingdom certainly reminds me of the Third Reich, or even the Helghast. We hate you because you are different to us, and different means inferior. Be careful not to overdo the brutality early on though. You need some atrocities for later on.

This story needs an alternate universe tag. If your story cannot comfortably fit within the world presented by the show, then it is alt universe, and Blueblood declaring a separatist state certainly fits that point.

Some additional backstory regarding Blueblood’s motives and the universe in general would be useful. This is clearly a sequel story, and as such, there appears to be several things that the reader is just meant to accept without questioning – Firearms, Unicorn racial supremacy, the lack of Celestia. Balancing a story’s assumed knowledge can be a tricky thing, but it is better to err on the side of spelling it out for new readers, rather than assuming. This is something that can be easily explained in the preface and covers the assumed knowledge, rather than having it be inferred from the story itself, which can leave a reader confused for sometime until it becomes clear.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors (And doing me the honor of reviewing my story I feel it is only right to return the favor)

Name of Story: Sufficient Unto The Day

Grammar score: 9/10
I'm not editor, in fact I'm probably below average at proofreading, but from what I could see the only errors I found were concentrated and minor. Mainly the first opening paragraphs of chapter 1 for awkward sentencing and confusing wording.

1. You did very well with the characterization and the dialogue, actions, and behavior seemed to flow naturally and was just amazing overall.
2. The thoughts and perspective of the ponies was realistic and relate-able.
3. The memory transitions in chapter 2 were handled skillfully and seamlessly.
4. Your very verbose and you know when to use certain words and match pairs of literary pieces in a way in which they fit perfectly.

1. The opening introduction is shaky and confusing. For ex: You say the people named PRince Blueblood mayor and in the very next sentence name him king. I understand that he was dubbed mayor and then king after they separated but the delivery and wording was just confusing and awkward. I suggest you reread the intro and fix the errors as you see fit.
2. In the first chapter you use all caps in your dialogue. While writing like this is not incorrect, it is frowned upon by officials and individuals experienced in the field of writing. It subconsciously makes the author seem somewhat immature(associating them with people who use all caps when yelling online). Italics are the most powerful tools for emphasis but bold can also be used.
3. Every 1/150 sentences there is one that is awkward and doesn't make sense.

Overall Rating:
It is completely understandable how this story has no dislikes, seeing as the quality of this fic is far above average. The flow is nearly seamless and what little grammar and writing errors there are can be fixed efficiently and quickly -with the exception of the introduction, which I suggest rewriting- and the plot is fairly original. Due to this story's overall good quality, nearly perfect grammar, original plot, and perfect characterization I give you a 9/10, a thumbs up, and a favorite. :pinkiehappy:

Thank you for both reviewing my story and introducing me to this one.

That is all. Equestria is ours.


Well you reviewed mine so I'll review yours.

Name: Sufficient Unto The Day

Grammar: I'm not good with it as you may know, but overall I'd say 9/10 very obvious ones that I spotted.

- I like the history of WWII so yeah.
- Unicorns taking over the world is pretty cool
- Interactions between Pumpkin and Pound are good.

- Twilight and Spike's interactions are kind of... Clunky
- Same with Mr. and Mrs. Cake.
- I'm not too fond of ponies with guns, really I think you could've done it with out them and just stick to medieval war fare and have the unicorns be superior because of magic.

I haven't read the original story so I can't really explain much. Unicornia... Get rid of it please I cringed when I seen it. Some scenes where decent but it also seems a bit rushed on some occasions. Overall though I wasn't too interested in it (Again possibly because I never read the 1st and have no clue on what's going on.) but I'll still give a score.



I do suggest reading the original. That'll let you get a feel for how Unicornia came to be, and decide for yourself at what point you stopped feeling sympathy for its leader.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Sufficient unto the Day
Grammar score: 9/10
- I greatly enjoyed the way you handled the flashbacks.
- For the vast majority your grammar was spot on.
- I thought Trixie's rants were spot on.
-I thought it might be unnecessary to use Spike for so much exposition in such a short amount of time.
-Mr. and Mrs. Cake's interactions seem a little off.
I am looking forward to reading the rest of the story. I'm not entirely certain it was necessary to bring the reader up to speed before the story. I've always found that part of the fun in reading is piecing together the events that led up to the story in your head.

I really like this update Carts, please keep it up.

Wow, I hate trixie now.

Though they gave birth to you, you are no more theirs than you belong to the primordial soup which spawned life itself. They were your surrogates, but not true parents, as only a unicorn could be.

Fuck you trixie! Evil bitch.

Love the story though.

First 500 word review.

Your preface murders your story; brutally. Avoid preface / prologues at all costs. Don't be afraid to drop the reader in the middle of a moving story. Become familiar with the idea of "in media res". If you need to educate the reader for the sake of the story, do it in a narrative. Have the characters talk about the past, show us the world the now live in.

Which brings me to the big point. Show, don't tell. While I like your premise, I never felt immersed in the setting. Here is a good article talking about show over tell.

As always, keep reading, keep writing. I look forwarded to seeing your next work. :twilightsmile:

67 words away from 10,000 gd damit thats going to bother me to no end

I wild update has appeared!

That is all. Equestria is ours.


I expected Project Orbit to be some kind ot space based weapon (Tiberian Sun ion cannon or the Hammer of Dawn from Gears of War). Still, crashing the moon into Cloudsdale...that's gonna leave a mark.

By the way, by your standards, Cloudsdale is literally halfway to space. Space is usually defined as 100 km above the Earth's surface.

3284228 Hmm. Nice catch. I will revise that number a bit for the sake of the story.

Blueblood and his troops remind me of the Nazis

This story will need a foreign military to aid Equestria.

3371251 You're quite perceptive. Now you have to guess who that foreign ally might be :trixieshiftright:

*Cracks knuckles* Alright, let's do this.

Your story by in large managed to keep all of the presented characters feeling true to themselves throughout the majority of your story so far. You've done a wonderful job of crafting this story through showing more than telling, which is something most people struggle with. And, with the exceptions of a few typos I spotted in chapter 6, your spelling and grammar appear to be near perfect to my tired eyes.

However, I did accumulate a large list of notes during this read of things that need to be changed or might be better if done differently. The most noticeable of which is your first chapter which I whole heartedly recommend you remove in its entirety. The structure in that chapter falls flat and feels unnecessarily broken compared to the later chapters while revealing nothing that is not suitably shown in later chapters. The only thing in there that I have not yet seen explained in later chapters to such a suitable degree is Celestia's death, which wasn't even really explained in the chapter. If you feel you must state the year and how long it has been since Sparkle's coronation, just add a line in the description of the story. It also gives your story a very powerful hook to start by having an older Pumpkin being led through the streets being escorted by soldiers.

I also find your descriptions of settings and events to be lacking and at times completely absent, you need to include more visuals, sounds, and in some instances bits of smell, taste, and touch. A very good example of this is Pumkin's branding. You took what should have been paragraphs upon paragraphs of description of utter blinding pain, the smell of burning flesh and fur, and Pumkin's soul scaring screams. Being branded is not something even a grown man can grit his teeth through, much less a young girl (Try setting your oven or stove for 500+ degrees and holding you hand on it for five seconds and you have an idea how much it hurts). I also felt you skimped a bit on the kid's depression over their parents dying, much less in front of them. Having someone you know and love die can boarder on crippling for weeks if not months at a time, having that happen to someone in front of you and feeling responsible for it even more so. While you were heading in the right direction with Pound, I personally feel it wasn't taken far enough, it would not be surprising if he took up several self destructive habits afterwards such a smoking, drinking, or cutting.

Now we move onto inconsistencies in story and characters along with things that impacted your story's flow. One of the first involves P.T.S. during Pumkin's early flashbacks, she spouts a the line, "Well, I’m quiet skilled in magic. That’s how I became a princess.” which feels very out of character for her, it is more like something Trixie would say. I think that part would be better with her saying how that, while she's good at magic she can't make a cutie mark appear having tried with Applebloom before. I also had a few problems with Blue Blood's character in this in general during this story as he does not seem the type to lead a rebellion of any sort, nor has he ever shown an inkling of being racist towards other races (If this is a case of he's really a puppet under something's control I can give this a pass, but otherwise). It also seems odd in the extreme that Trixie is in charge of magic R&D considering her actual magical talents are limited to low tier prestidigitation, if she was to be a high ranking member of BB's council it makes more sense that she would be in charge of propaganda. Yet if she was part of BB's council, it makes little sense for her to be out in the front lines of Ponyville unless she was low to middle tier of the propaganda department. It also struck me as odd that the Second Kingdom would use the metric system instead of the imperial system of measurements as it is my understanding that the imperial system came later and makes more sense for its use in this instance.

Now I'm going to finish this off with the real nit picky stuff that you don't really need to do anything about. Lets start with what might be your most flow breaking paragraph in the story, Paragraph 5 of Chapter 4. This paragraph, where you suddenly jump out of the current events in progress to say the BB bribed the Zebra Empire into attacking by offering them weapons, completely destroyed my immersion in the story due to its sudden shift in tone from its surrounding paragraph. Even worse is that this paragraph is unneeded, as later parts in the chapter talk about BB seems to have given the zebras planes for their war with the griffons. Another nit pick is the fact that you use the name Second Kingdom a lot, on occasion you called it Unicornia, but it was so infrequently that for several chapter I had that marked down as a mistake until I realized it was Blue Blood's Second Kingdom of Unicornia. I'd advise making this clearer and diversifying what ponies call the kingdom some so we aren't constantly bashed over the head with Second Kingdom.And lastly, what is stopping them from moving Cloudsdale? You mentioned that they think they might be able to physically shove the moon away at one point, and I'm sitting here wondering if it wouldn't be easier, cheaper, and faster to push the city instead of the moon?

You've got a good story here, one that handles child characters fairly well and managed to maintain a dark tone without becoming overly dark. You've obviously planned out a lot of this well without making the path to obvious, as several my theories on where this story was heading were broken while reading it. I look forward to seeing where you take this story in the future.

3467520 Wow, your review of this story was quite comprehensive. I really appreciate the level to which you've gone in depth. Thank you so much.

It's missing from my description, but this story is actually a sequel. Many of your questions are somewhat addressed in the previous installment, though it's not required reading for this story.

Chapter one I felt was necessary as a starting point for the reader. It introduces all of the characters, is the start of the war, and has a decent hook already. Starting at chapter two would, in my mind, be throwing the reader into a scene without the necessary context or description. I already have enough catching up to do with regards to this being a sequel.

I added about as much suffering on behalf of the Cake Twins as I thought that I could easily get away with. Remember, they are both nine at this point in the story. I suppose I could write five paragraphs about how horrible it hurt to be branded, or the depths of unfathomable sadness that Pound and Pumpkin went through upon losing their parents, but I felt that this would detract from the actual story. This was never meant to be a grimdark story. That being said, I will go back and look at that scene and add a small bit of that. Also, believe me, neither of them will turn out "normal" by any stretch of the imagination. Both of them will deal quite a bit with the death of their parents in future paragraphs, after the initial shock wears off.

The part about moving Cloudsdale... hmm. I never really considered that. That's a valid point. Though, I guess that if they moved it, it would be breaking the truce. I'll have to go back and explain that part in more detail.

In my mind, Trixie is there because it's an important strategic move for the Second Kingdom's future food supply. She's only there for a few weeks, though. As for her skill in magic, she knows enough of it to get by. She's not as great as Twilight, but I find it hard to believe that she's entirely terrible at magic, given that it's her special talent.

I'll get rid of the paragraph in question about the zebras.

Thanks again, and this has helped me quite a lot!

Well, the kiddo is getting some training, something that they needed, for both physical and emotional reasons. And, Pumpkin is going to get something that Blueblood and his followers had seems to missed out on: mental discipline. Actually, if Celestia had just look into that requirement, instead of fearing Unicorns and make those foolish restrictions, things might have been different.

Nice to see Spitfire giving Pound Cake some comfort as well.


Just wondering, why'd you change the name?

3539511 Marketing reasons. I felt that this is a lot catchier of a title, and really brings the conflict into play more in the readers' eyes. The later chapters of this story will feature Pound and Pumpkin Cake joining up with different anti-Blueblood factions, but each faction has a radically different idea of what they want post-war Equestria to look like.

Sort of how in the Syrian civil war, you have the Islamists, the moderates, and the Kurds, all fighting to topple Assad... but all fighting each other at the same time. In this story, there will be several factions.

The theme of this story will be... how would someone growing up in a world dominated by war end up? How do they form their ideologies? How can even two twin siblings be pitted against each other?

You sure Zecora's methods wouldn't work as torture?

3547571 What Zecora did to Pumpkin Cake was a lot like giving her a shot. Yes, it's unpleasant for a brief period of time to have a shot, but it's better to get vaccinated than catch a disease later.

Zecora's "trial by fire" might be seen as an extreme version of that.

3551601 Was there something wrong with the story? I'd love some constructive feedback.

I'm favouriting this, but only because I can't stand to half read a story currently sitting at such a dark point. I hope this turns out with something I could call a happy ending.

I also find it odd that Soarin would neither confirm or deny what Thunderlane said. When it comes to war crimes, I'm confident that leaders and military would outright deny it no matter how true it may be. The approach I would have taken would be to have Soarin deny any knowledge of the plan, but appear nervous and/or angry enough for Thunderlane to remain suspicious and subsequently listen in on the secret conversation.

Finally, I hope Pumpkin gains her real cutie mark in the story. I don't know how forceful the magical branding is, but it could be justified that the real one will take precedence.

3571814 It will ultimately have a happy ending, and peace will prevail in Equestria, but it will be very, very hard fought. Imagine the American civil war plus World War Two with the Syrian civil war thrown in for good measure, and you have what I have planned.

I debated having Soarin flat-out deny Thunderlane's charges, but ultimately decided against it because, in my mind, he was following the standard military leak procedure of "neither confirm nor deny." It might have been wise for him to flat-out deny it, but you are correct that Thunderlane wouldn't have bought it.

Pumpkin's cutie mark will appear over her brand, though her scar from the brand will still be somewhat visible. I actually plan on giving the Cake twins their marks a couple chapters from now. Thanks for the fave!

That was an amazing alliteration with the use of P

3594580 Thanks! Pinkie is pleased, OverPoweredOne :pinkiehappy:

Whoa, Trixie is such a bitch here.

Down with the useless Mud Ponies! They're the ones keeping the superior Kinds oppressed!

Now this is getting interesting. Even if Blueblood is a horrible person, he does have his points. If only the Unicorns could research that farming magic... Or somehow break the Equestrian magic preventing them from growing stuff, turning the Second Kingdom into a new Everfree Forest of sorts.

I bet Zecora will have a larger part to play in this story!

Ponies who aren’t willing to unconditionally follow orders shouldn’t be in the military

— Soarin'

This kind of thinking is what leads to war crimes and other atrocities!

I smell a Nuremburg Trial for Soarin' and some of the Cloudsdale military. And it ain't gonna be pretty.

And it looks like the "peaceful" protesters just got violent.

Wow, this raging clusterfuck from a simple, albeit speciesist law that Celestia passed. I wonder if Celestia could go back in time, would she not pass that law?

3707976 Hmm, a trial actually wasn't in the cards for this story, but I may very well write one. It might actually help set the stage for another thing I want to do later on.

Funny you mention that about Celestia going back in time. One of the scene ideas that I toyed with (but ultimately scrapped) in The Trouble With Unicorns was having her go back in time with the same time spell that Twilight used in It's About Time.

She goes back far before the first magic laws were passed, which would be right when they came to power over Equestria, before the time of Sombra. However, because of her illness, the time travel spell drains the last bit of her magic, and she dies before she can deliver the message. As she breathes her last breath, all she can say is some nonsensical thing to her past self about unicorns. Celestia reappears in the present and dies instantly, and past Celestia takes it to mean that she should fear unicorns.

Then Sombra comes along in King Sombra's Rise and Fall, and this cements the idea in young Celestia's mind, thereby leading to the same law she was trying to prevent.

“Yes…” Celestia said, “That is the trouble with unicorns, isn’t it? They have the potential to do so much with those horns of theirs. So much good, yes, but so much evil as well. I foresaw this when we first came to power over Equestria, which is why I took certain steps to prevent evil on behalf of anypony, unicorns in particular. However, I do believe further steps are needed. When we get back, I shall explain.”

Who knows, I may still have a scene like that, but with Twilight or Luna or some other unicorn instead of Celestia going back to warn Celestia.

Well, Twilight is being a major fool, falling into the whole 'for the greater good' trap; Lightning is being a gullible idiot, blindly playing into the role that Blueblood wanted, and making more of a mess than she did beforehand; and something is seriously up with Soarin, because he is usually more easygoing and less harsh than this. This whole thing is just one major mess after another one, just piling up on each other. And, from the look of things, it isn't going to get better for some time. I can only imagine how much effort will be needed to get this giant mess clean up. And, I'm sure a certain Spirit of Chaos is enjoying every moment of this from wherever he is...

Just to let you know, I'm not being harsh with you or anything like that. I like the story so far and this is getting good. But, I can't help, but to sighed and face-palmed at this whole mess that they have gotten themselves into.

Spitfire motioned up towards the moon.
> I think you mean Lightning Dust.

Thanks for pointing that mistake out :derpytongue2:

In the show, Twilight Sparkle is a classic utilitarian: perfectly willing to infringe on the rights of others when she thinks there's a greater good. See the recent episode when she hypnotized a bunch of fruit bats (which are shown to be at least somewhat intelligent) to starve them presumably to death (what else would they eat besides fruit?), or when she cast the want it need it spell to get out of a homework assignment, putting everypony's lives at risk. When the stakes are higher than a destroyed apple crop or a failed essay, when all of Equestria and millions of lives is at risk, I'd imagine she'd be able to rationalize killing a few dozen children to herself. Particularly if somepony else is dropping the bomb and she doesn't have to get her own hooves dirty.

Lightning Dust, as you can probably tell, is pretty self-centered. Just like in the show, she's willing to take risks to get ahead, and doesn't really care for anypony else's safety. She knows that she's playing right into Blueblood's plan (he even told her as much!) but wants to do it just to save her own house and her own stuff. Just like she advocated for the ivory tower tax on Canterlot to get money to fix Cloudsdale after the wendigoes attacked, even though the tax was blatantly unfair and helped to sow the seeds for the unicorn nationalist movement. For all her grandstanding, for all her passionate speeches, her motivations really are that selfish and that shallow. There's a lot less to her than meets the eye.

As for Soarin, we haven't seen too much of him in the show, and I don't think he's spoken more than a few lines, so his personality is up for interpretation. I figured I'd make him a tightass foil to counteract the (usually) easy-going Spitfire.

Since he died in TTWU, Discord is in tartarus, laughing his tail off at the world above.

You're right that things are going to get a whole lot worse before they get better. I need a plausible reason for two twin siblings to be willing to fight and kill each other. That would take a pretty F'ed up situation of extreme moral implications, just like it did when America had the Civil War over the extremely contentious issues of slavery, states' rights, and the role of the federal government, and it was brother against brother.

You're welcome.

Twilight: Yeah, and usually when she does this, it ended up backfiring on her. Unfortunately, it seems this time, the backfire will be more than she can handle.

Lightning Dust: Eh, can't really say anything more here or counterpointed it, since you hit the nail right on the spot.

Soarin: Actually, from what I have seen in the show, I think Soarin is the easygoing one (the 'Best Night Ever' might best show this) while Spitfire is the hard-case one (the episode with Lightning Dust in it is a good example here). I'm not really bother by the change, though, since it can be easily explained.

Discord: ...I don't know...considering what I know about the guy, I just can't seems to shake this nagging feeling about his fate...

Last: Well, all I can say here is go easy and don't take things too far. Things are being pushed beyond its limitation as it is...push any greater and the whole thing might break. Besides, I can't really see them trying to kill each other...maybe get into a brawl, perhaps to some pent-up issues or a misunderstanding or something. But, having them actually try to kill each other would probably be taking thing a bit extreme. I think there is enough chaos and madness as it is, and I really don't see any logical and natural reason why they would do so, at least without you trying to force the situation (which is a bad no-no).

3708877 I'll take your advice and make sure that I don't force an unbelievable or illogical situation. :raritywink:

Awesome chapter, but where's Pumpkin Cake?

3724362 Still in the Everfree Forest with Zecora. Don't worry, we get to see what she's up to next chapter.

Ha! I knew the Pegasi would make the right decision. Down with Equestria and the pathetic Earth Ponies!

Login or register to comment