• Member Since 3rd Sep, 2014
  • offline last seen 14 hours ago

Infernity Zero


I'm Zero. I'm an author-in-training who's using this site as a way to improve his potential. My favorite characters are Rarity, Sunset, and Zecora.

Sequels1

T

Sunset Shimmer has fallen from grace. After her humiliation at the Fall Formal, she now faces a long road to redemption.

But it's not easy, most of the others refuse to accept her, and new enemies threaten to drag her back into darkness. Can she find her way to the light?

EDIT: Well how about that. Hit the featured box as of January 4th, 2018
EDIT 2: Will wonders never cease? Featured box AGAIN as a February 16th. I'm sensing a theme here.

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 107 )

First of all, congratulations on publishing your first story! It certainly doesn't get any easier from here, but I assure you that it'll be worth it. :raritywink:
Sunset Shimmer is definitely a character worth telling stories about, and I'd love to see your take on her redemption. Go ahead and keep going - I, for one, would like to know what's in those letters!

I like redemption stories and I love sunset shimmer woo of my favorite combinations equal for a good read.

A good first story. Keep up the good work :twilightsmile:

This definitely has the potential to be a good story.

Please...do go on. :pinkiehappy:


~ Super-Brony12

Very well. I'll bite.

Keep the story rolling,Sunset Shimmer is a must see in this story:twilightsmile:

Even with all the things she's done:pinkiesad2:

I admit; I did NOT like Shimmer. But... when I saw one of the short clips when she was in gym-hall, I felt something for her. And the way she is portrayed in this story just make me want to hug her. Comfort her. So what if she deserve all hate? She have a right to redeem herself.

You got this down, great story telling by the way.

I've got concersn with Rainbow Rocks on things. So continue on and do one thing EQ1 didn't do but should have. Let us know where the human Twilight and Sunset are.

I love Sunset Shimmer redemption stories and doubly so when they're so well written. It's the first one I read where princess Celestia herself comes to see her, too.

Some nouns could be swapped for pronouns but they don't dminish the story.

I suggest you mention why Celestia didn't come back until now in the next chapters, even if it's something as obvious as 'she didn't know what to expect' or 'she thought it should be Sunset Shimmer's decision to return, not hers.'

I like these lines;

'nausea gripped her stomach.'

'she dared the slightest of glimpses toward her elder’s face.'

'Sunset felt her heart begin to rev up as her brow became moist with sweat; yet despite her knocking knees, the words still managed to form on her tongue.'

and

'She cried too.'

Corrections;

I suggest you add a space before 'Sunset remembered.' in the first paragraph

and

the comma after 'Fear had suddenly turned to anger' should be a period.

So, what do you think? Should I keep going?

Yes

Keep going!
Please? Pretty please with whatever you want on top?

Totally reading this. Anyone else hyped for the new EqG movie tomorrow?:twilightsmile:

Aw love it! Keep going :)

The only part I could find that needs editing is in the description, where you put "But most of the others refuse to accept her?" as a question.

It's pretty easy to fix though, put a comma after the word "redemption" change the capital b to a small b, and the question mark to a full stop, that part can just join the original sentence fine :)

Jex

Sunset Shimmer stories seems to be few and far between, especially redemption ones. Seems like you've got a pretty great set up going so please, continue :)

Please keep it up. This looks interesting and promising.

This is really impressive, especially for a first time writer. Please continue:twilightsmile:

KEEP GOING!!! WHAT'S IN THE LETTERS?!?!

This is certainly off to a good start; please keep going! :twilightsmile:

Geez. I've never gotten this much feedback on my FAN-fiction account. I guess the brony community really is one of love and friendship. Your support is really appreciated

I love this so far :twilightsmile: Sunset is easily the best pony in my opinion

Comment posted by deactivated plz delete deleted Oct 11th, 2014

This is amazing!:pinkiehappy::raritystarry: Can't wait to see more!:twilightsheepish:

Hmmm.

On the one hand, this felt rushed. I feel like it could have easily been another couple thousand words longer for more character development.

On the other hand, what you have is an interesting start.

i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/421/566/93b.jpg
Feels list:
Angry at students for basically abusing Sunset with their words
Sad because Sunset is so sad

Sweet story so far, I really want to see where this goes! This was bugging me though:

“Don’t act like you don’t know!” Fear had suddenly turned to anger. “The other students all hate me! I can’t go anywhere without getting angry glares and hateful words! No matter what I do or how much I try to convince them that I've changed, they won’t forgive me! And…and,” She ran out of steam, “And I can’t even forgive myself.”

If she's wallowing in self pity, she's not going to put herself on the list of enemies. Rather than have her tell us that she hates herself, make it implied. Also, the "suddenly" in "Fear had suddenly turned to anger" actually slows down the pace and makes it less sudden. Instead, replace "had suddenly" with "quickly" and speed it up by two syllables, or 50%.

“Don’t act like you don’t know!” Fear quickly turned to anger. “The other students all hate me! I can’t go anywhere without getting angry glares and hateful words! No matter what I do or how much I try to convince them that I've changed, they won’t forgive me! And…and,” She ran out of steam, “And I deserve every bit of it.”

I won't pretend to be a good writer in any sense of the phrase, but to me at least that flows better.

Princess Celestia seems rather a little out of character here, barging in and then scolding Sunset like that. The first chapter could definitely have used another thousand words altogether in giving the two of them a little bit better characterisation, and perhaps a longer chat, before Princess Celestia starts crying at the end of the chapter. Apparently Celestia talked to some of the other students, too, prior to seeing Sunset, so there's an opening.

Nice re-release!

That works a lot better. The only real nitpick I would have is that usually most schools have cameras in a cafeteria, and at least one teacher on patrol at all time, so something like a one-sided food fight wouldn't happen

6523689 They don't have that at my school.

Poor Sunset. I know what she did was wrong but what they're doing to her is capitol punishment. Princess Celestia has every right to be mad and sad at Sunset. I can't wait to read more.

Gee, I've been saved by Twilight, how swell.

I can't be the first person to notice this. Surely not.

As has been said by others, not a bad beginning. A little fast paced, and some pretty simple punctuation / other grammatical errors about, but... not bad. I'll see what the future holds.

7002485 Can I get some details too?

7002663 Words not working... Mind completely blown...

Now that I've finally gotten the hang of pacing, my next mountain to climb is the illusive Show Don't Tell.

7017194 Are you editing or something? I go through my bookshelf occasionally and I know this was a multichapter complete before

7031142 Not editing. Rewriting. As good as it was before, I think it can be better.

7031142 So, any thoughts on the new chapter, Oh Man of Many Comments?

7040431 You fool, you don't know what you've done.

It's a good thing I actually leave somewhat detailed comments sometimes, so I vaguely recall what happened in the original first chapter and the modification you made. I think the lunchroom scene happened in the original story too but later on, but it suffers from the same problems: it's too 'big' a climatic scene. Any two-bit school will have cameras in any large gathering areas, which a cafeteria area definitely qualifies as. Plus we see in Equestria Girls that Granny Smith is actually serving food to the students. Presumably the students lured her and any other food servers out of the cafeteria but there needs to be a line about Sunset noting their absence. But the big problem is that the students can't hide something like that.

Obviously it wasn't a well-thought plan on their part, and they're high school students, which fiction says we can make as stupid as humanly possible and nobody will really question it, but the problem still remains that you run into real-life consequences: there's no way this can be covered up. You have easily dozens, maybe hundreds of students, one or two of them will feel guilty and snitch or camera evidence. News will get out, and the police will be coming in, handing out misdemeanors by the dozen at a minimum. Celestia and Luna will be asked about it and if Sunset had reported any past altercations. Since that's the truth, the principals will be asked how they let it get that far. Plot armour can go to some length as per Sunset turning into a demon in the movie and still being in school and not immediately thrown into a government lab and dissected, but just because the EG movies have shitty hand-waves to brush aside logic doesn't mean you should do the same.

I wonder if Trixie actually was the mastermind behind the whole thing, or if she decided to play the martyr for whatever reason even though she appears to legitimately be terrified of Sunset and what she thinks Demon Sunset will do to her. None of the students cracked initially, and it may be that there really was no 'mastermind', merely a person who suggested it and it snowballed out of control. On the other hand, once Sunset started to apply more pressure I'm certain somebody would have ratted someone else out.

Anyways, you removed the scene where Princess Celestia shows up, so as far as Sunset knows she's been basically completely abandoned now by Equestria, so like regular Rainbow Rocks. Since you're setting her up to be a hardcore woobie, we should be allowed to see her vent in private more, instead of having a literal six-month timeskip of 'And Sunset was tormented and tormented and tormented and she felt sad and only the Humane 5 was willing to be friends with her'. But at the same time, since you removed Princess Celestia's scene, that COULD lead to a very interesting divergence: Sunset resenting Principal Celestia as a proxy for Princess Celestia. That Principal Celestia has basically been useless, was a sliver away from having her sent to jail, and isn't really willing to put in any effort to keep Sunset from being harassed by the student body at large could cement Sunset's feelings, thinking, "Hey, Princess Celestia basically jerked me around, now Principal Celestia is basically being useless and throwing me to the wolves, Celestia in any world is an asshole". Sunset wasn't around when Princess Luna returned so Principal Luna is her own person in Sunset's mind, not a doppelganger of somepony she knew once and grew to detest.

I don't recall if it was this fic or another one I read, but Sunset basically had a real hate-on for Twilight Sparkle following the interim period between Equestria Girls and Rainbow Rocks, basically feeling that Twilight 'abandoned' her in the human world as a punishment rather than an opportunity to make amends and friends. Given the treatment at the hands of the school body here, she might yet get that here. Between this and my above comment on Celestia, you could run with that, since Sunset is basically psychologically scarred.

Six months is also a curious time-skip. Rainbow Rocks unfortunately showed us the new Friendship Castle, making it clear Rainbow Rocks takes place after Season 4. The problem is that it makes it look like the Dazzlings sat on their butts and twiddled their thumbs for a whole season before finally going to Canterlot High School (presumably they needed time to forge papers or to legitimately get transferred to CHS), with the only solace being that Equestria Girls could take place any time during Season 4 instead of in between Season 3 and 4 (to my knowledge, anyways). I'm rambling here, but my point is that since the Dazzlings will eventually enter the stage, a six month lag between them seeing the magic explosion at CHS and finally going there seems out of place. Plus, six months since the Fall Formal would place them smack dab near the end of the school year, unless you decide to make CHS a year-round school.

Six months though ties in with what I was talking about Sunset being psychologically scarred. Since you're rewriting this now, we know from Friendship Games that Crystal Prep Academy is literally a bus ride away from CHS, so Sunset could transfer to CPA or even another school, since CPA seems an 'upscale' enough establishment that I doubt it and CHS are the only high schools within public transit distance. Sunset has a place to stay and she's not fretting about her identity not holding up to a police check, so she presumably has good enough identity papers as well. So what it comes down to is either Celestia and/or Luna are threatening Sunset with calling the police if she even attempts to transfer to another school (if you make it Celestia, then this ties in with my point about the two Celestias a few paragraphs above), or Sunset CHOOSES to stay even though she gets tormented because she feels a remarkable amount of guilt. Either of those would make for a fascinating exploration.

Lastly, was that a Star Fox reference I saw in there?

Also, since you actually called me out to request a comment, I should ask you to do the same for one of my fics. Any of them. Or all of them even. I'm greedy :rainbowwild:

Interesting, tracking.:ajsmug:

7642860 Thanks. You're the first new face I've seen here in eons.

Nice to see you back buddy.:twilightsmile:

8470673 Let's see if anyone besides you even remembers this thing.

After 3 years a new chapter has come out! This is probably one of the first stories I had started reading as an anonymous user at least two or three years old she had as a Sunset theme after the Fall Formal. But now there is a spontaneous question: but now we have to wait another 3 years to see how this story continues that time has caught my attention or updates will be more frequent?

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