Set in the Equestria Girls Universe (hence Human tag)
Sunset Shimmer never expected anyone to forgive her. Princess Twilight Sparkle was the first. She never expected anyone else. Five girls, whose friendship she destroyed, followed. It took her defeating the Sirens to get the rest of the student body to talk to her.
As she strives to make amends for all that she had done, there is really only one person who she wants to apologize to above all others. While she has said that she was sorry a hundred times over, there is still one person she has never told.
One pony she feels needs to hear it.
Chapters (3)
Wow... This is quite good.
At times it feels a bit too measured (you like sticking to the rule of three, don't you?), and some parts lack a bit more of emotion, but it's still quite good.
Tracking, for now....
6018563
Thanks!
Can you explain what you mean by "measured"? I was trying to write in a voice that I felt was different from my other projects and it's great to see that people seem to enjoy reading it almost as much as I enjoy writing it.
Hmm...
s6.postimg.org/5ul2jmext/continue_Monkey.jpg
6018626
Rule of three...
1, 2, 3.
A)
B)
C)
D)
E)
Most of the ideas are expressed like that, in groups of three. In example A), it leaves the sentences too... cut and dry (No idea if I'm using that expresion correctly, tell me if I'm mistaken.) It lacks emotion. Also, saw what you did there.
in B), again, it could use some more emotion. Break the pattern a little. Otherwise, it feels like you're laying a brick one after the other. None of them stands out. Something like "smiled up at her, bringing forth few but powerful memories that filled her with a renewed sense of hope, reassuring her, comforting her aching soul..." Maybe I overdid it with the emotions...
In C), same as with B). Break the pattern a little.
And D) and E)... well, it shows again how most ideas are expressed in groups of three. Some people don't notice it when they're writing like that, or reading it, but I do, and it makes things feel unnecessarily... repetitive? monotonous? Like I said, few things stand out because of it. The ideas flow in and out of the mind way to quickly, not much sticks. Like, have you ever read or watched something so good that you spent days repeating the same sentence or scene in your mind over and over because of how good it was? Well, sorry to tell you that that doesn't happen here.
I hope this explanation is good enough, and not too harsh...
6020418
The "rule of three" was completely unintentional and I did not notice it till now. I can see what you mean about it being repetitive and how it removes some of the emotion. I guess when I was reading it out loud to myself, I just read it in ways that added that "emotional layer". Trying to be more descriptive with scenery and emotion is already something I've been trying to work on and I'll definitely try and keep an eye out for it in my future writings.
I always appreciate criticisms and critiques.
It's why I upload some of the things I do, even if a story is not as flushed out as I would have liked or has a character "out of character". I figure, the only way to learn is to throw yourself to the wolfs and hope one at least lets you know how you taste.
Thank you!
ahhh come on. we don't even get to see what Twilights response was, you tease, you lol
That's because they're Space Brownies!
6025816
At one point it was, but I couldn't figure out how to fit it in without it feeling like a jolt in the story. Probably another reason I should look into finding a second opinion before uploading things. Still have fears that I'll screw this up like I've been known to do with other things.
6025849
Pinkie Pie (Equestria version) did live on a rock farm. Maybe they harvested meteorites? She did say the secret ingredient to her rock candy was rocks.
6026093 You do realize that I was alluding to the possibility that Pinkie slips a certain ingredient in the brownies right? And no it is not rocks of any type.
"like that for the duration..."?
A dragon working at a pizzeria... Now I wonder if the dragon is a human, or a talking dog that secretly manages business with the ferocity and intelligence of a millenia old fire-breathing beast...
edit:
6026130
I think those are called "funny brownies".
6026166
Thanks for the heads up. Fixed.
The Vampire and Dragon were subtle nods to a series I loved growing up. Not sure if the younger Bronies/Pegasisters will get the references though. Guess they'll never get to live through the shock of the reveal that Peanut was "M", either.
perma-bound.com/ws/image/cover/314240/m?ref=vd
images.amazon.com/images/P/0590849042.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg
6026093 Where to place Twilight's answer? Either at the moment Sunset read it or after the end of the scene (closing the chapter in this case)
(Yes, I also wanted to read Twilight's message.)
6026449
Thanks for the input. Pacing and placement of scenes are things I'll definitely take into account on future chapters and projects. Ending chapters/scenes/stories are on occasion a challenge for me. If I were reading I probably would not mind seeing a letter close the chapter, but writing: it feels so open, and not like a strong conclusion. I will be tracking through one of the prereader groups within the next day or so. So hopefully, I'll be able to get this kind of feedback before a chapter goes up. Not that I mind getting it on the uploaded versions, though.
It reads better as Princess Twilight. (That raises the question, is she recognized at CHS as Princess Twilight?)
I found funny how they shrug the fact there's an active portal to another world.
Good chapter here.
6283966
I think they all do recognize her. At the end of Equestria Girls, when the whole school is surrounding the smoldering crater, Twilight kneels and is crowned (and referred to as a "Princess") by Principal Celestia.
As for the "Twilight Princess" line; that was my attempt at humor (if I recall I wrote that line during one of my 3 am writing sessions shortly after ch2 went up), but could also be slight reference to the video game.
Shrugging off the idea of another universe populated entirely by magical ponies was always a fun idea for me. One of my favorite scenes was when Twilight's new friends' reaction to her admittance to her true form and identity. Then of course, you've got Flash "savior of the universe" Sentry who seems to not mind having a crush on a pony princess.
6290719 I think I misworded my question. Of course most at CHS know Twilight Sparkle, how she was crowned as the princess of the Fall Formal and grew wings when she stood against and beat the then-she-demon Sunset Shimmer.
My question was more to know if she's better known as Twilight Sparkle or as Princess Twilight Sparkle at CHS, even if most don't know she's actually a pony or when they say princess we readers know if has a different meaning than when somepony in Equestria calls her Princess.
I don't know if you can change tags or not but I think fimfic recently added an Equestria Girls tag so people could tell the difference between Human in Equestria stories and Equestria Girls stories.
Really small nitpicks here. Everything is fine otherwise.
I would suggest changing girl to Sunny or some similar nickname girl is more of an Applejack thing to say.
Small formatting error I think smack souldn't be italicized.
...then I will smack you upside the head.