Note: This is my first attempt at fan fiction, so please be honest with how bad my writing and grammar are, since I've never done this before.
Nopony knows where it came from, or what it is. It exudes wrongness to anypony who looks at it. This sphere of stone appeared out of nowhere, and overturns so much of what the ponies believed to be true their whole lives.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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First attempt at fanfiction, eh? Alright, let me help you.
I can't judge this story too much yet, as it's only been one chapter. You've done alright, so far. Everypony was mostly in character, though there were a couple lines that didn't feel quite right. Try practicing writing certain characters by taking a blank page and just writing random lines the way you think that character would say, think, or do them.
Again, can't say too much about the plot since it's only been one chapter, but so far it seems pretty original. I'll see where it goes from here.
The main problem here is spelling and grammar. For example, it's "rogue," not "rouge." I suggest getting a spell-check program, or ideally, a proofreader.
Anyway, I'll be following for more. Hope this was helpful.
4884792
Thanks for the tips, I still have a lot to learn about writing I guess.
Phonex or dragon egg, I call it.
4884819
Not gonna spoil anything yet, but what I will say now is that I have omitted certain tags, since leaving them in would spoil the story too much.
4884832 The suspense just got real.
I haven't read it yet, but I'm getting a Doctor Who vibe since you said the sphere exudes wrongness.
4884912
I'm not sure what you're referring to, since I'm not a Dr. Who fan, but there is an explanation for the feeling that will be revealed later.
4884938 this wouldn't happen to be based on the book? Would it?
4885030
What book? I've never read a book called "The Sphere" before.
4885053 oh, there's a book by Michael Crichton called "Sphere"
4885059
I think I've read that one before. It just came out this year I think.
4885307 you sure about that? It was published in 1987, and i bought it for a nickel
4885312
Tada
4885322 oh.
4884938
Oh, okay.
The sphere in Doctor Who has no mass or dimensions until it opens.
4885344
Were you notified that I uploaded a second chapter? I ask because I know that it sometimes glitches and people aren't notified of updates.
4885475
I still haven't read it, let along favorite it, so no.
4885563
Sorry, it was arrogant of me to assume you would favorite it, with me being so new to writing and all...
Okay, I read both chapters. I will be watching this. However, there are a few grammatical and formatting errors, but nothing too major. Oh, and you mixed up whether and weather.
I feel that the two chapters should be combined. Where you ended the first one felt like a fine place have a scene break, maybe using a [hr ] (minus the space) or ***** for a scene break marker.
at least you update your stories unlike some authors out there (cough cough me)
4885590
No, it wasn't arrogant; although, it was a silly question, since you'd know when I favorited a story.
4884792
4884819
Have either of you been notified that this story has been updated and now has three chapters if you have indeed favorited the story? I ask because I'm trying to resolve a bug with the uploads where people who are following the story are not being notified of new developments.
Having read what there is of this so far, there's three words that spring instantly to mind:
Outside Context Problem
4894413
Well, as this is my first attempt at writing a fan fiction, could you please be a bit more elaborate in what you mean by that?
4894435 I believe they mean you're using the wrong words. I.e, you're using rouge instead of rogue. Rouge means red in french
You're also typing whether, where it should be weather.
4894815
Ok, fixed
This is a pretty interesting story. There's a lot to work with on something being just strange and off, maybe a little sinister. Keep it mysterious.
I spotted a particular grammar error a few times, though. Specifically, having multiple talkers in the same paragraph. You should avoid doing this as often as possible; keep one speaker per paragraph. It's worsened by the fact that you don't indicate the new speaker.
In both these paragraph, I initially thought it was the same pony speaking (Twilight and Dash respectively) for the whole paragraph, and it wasn't until I noticed that they seemed to be talking to themselves for some weird reason. (I.e. Twilight asking herself if there's anything wrong with her own magic.) As this was probably not intentional (unless it's another strange effect of the stone) you may want to keep a closer look on these things.
4894901
Thanks for the tip. I know I'm a total newbie at this, and still have a lot to learn. Your feedback is most appreciated.
4894435
A similar concept was the basis for an entirely unrelated story a fair while back.
And I'm rather curious how this is going to develop, as it's been pretty decent so far.
4895855
The thing is, I already know where I want this story to go, but I'm not sure how to get there without making it seem too rushed.
While I hold no grudges against those who decide to put a dislike on my story, I would appreciate it if I was at least told why it was disliked. As a newbie at writing, I need all the help I can get from criticism.
Looks like you had a bit of extra granite there.
4915190
If that was a joke, I don't get it.
4884819 no, it's an scp.
Gah! How dare you leave this on another cliff hanger, you shall pay you shall ALL pay!!!
...
...in muffins!
Then boom, they are in Rock of ages.
That point where you become used to cliff hangers for a particular story...
...new world record achieved, bravo!
And pony gets split in half in
3...
2...
1...
4928124
It's gonna be dark, but not that dark.
Not bad as a first attempt, and a very interesting premise. There were a couple of strange constructions where you were repeating yourself in an unnatural way, saying something that wouldn't ordinarily be said, but over all a solid story.
And no, I can't remember what they were, sorry! I think Twilight had a couple with Spike and I believe there was one with Rarity and Twilight.
I look forward to this story's continuation.
4931569
Thank you for your input, and I realize that some of Spike's dialogue was pretty clunky, but I'm sure I'll get used to this the more I practice.
why don't they just send Spike to dig a way out? the dude can claw and eat his way through diamonds, granite is going to be like tissue paper not to mention that the heat is not going to do shit against him
4931923
I hadn't thought of Spike being a potential digger, thanks for the idea. I'll consider it.
4932090
gonna need to bring a non-magical oxygen source, which I doubt they know how to do.
They can't bring mushrooms because there is no dirt and no rotting stuff for the mushrooms to grow on. Also, I'm not sure that would work anyway.
I guess they have to bring batteries to feed lights to feed plants to make air.
4932254
Air isn't that hard to canister. All you really need is an airtight metal container, a pump, and a coolant to chill the air. Humans have been pressurizing air for over 100 years now, and I doubt that ponies need to rely on magic for everything. Besides, who said that all the equipment has to be pony made?
Also, your idea is to bring plants underground? Do you not realize how slow the process of photosynthesis is compared to how fast complex mammals metabolize oxygen?
Dialog on this chapter in particular is just kind of dead.
I don't mean there is a lack of humor, though there might be, I mean it's just slightly on the stilted/expeditionary side.
4943751
Yeah, it felt that way for me too. I guess I don't know some of the characters as well as I thought I did.
4943803
You could know literally everything about a character and still make them say unrealistic things which blatantly only exist to inform the reader. What I am trying to say, is that characterization and character understanding are separate from interaction and speech simulation.
So, don't worry! You might understand them just fine! The problem is in another direction. Good luck!
...
i have a very dirty mind...