• Member Since 9th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Saturday


I mostly just read fanfiction. Occasionally I write my own horse words. They're decent enough.


A human designed colonization probe carrying all the components required to create a colony for the human race has detected a planet within parameters to begin terraformation and colonization. There's just one problem, an unknown radiation covers the land making it too dangerous for humans. The planet itself is fine, but the radiation must be removed before colonization can begin. Meanwhile in Ponyville a large object lands on the outskirts of town. Other objects can be seen flying through the air and orbiting the planet. Twilight Sparkle soon notices something peculiar, something very strange. Something horrifying. Wherever the objects go, magic is removed. This could get problematic.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 21 )

oooh this sounds awesome! cant wait for more chapters! :pinkiehappy:

I like this.
Make more please.

Not bad. Question though. Why is Celestia speaking the old English? Is this in the past?

The ShakespearIan is a bit off, but not bad.

you said that the distance was 8,537 au which is a bit under a trillion miles which is about a seventh of a light year. I calculated how it the spaceship would be moving and it came out to be about 100k mph. That makes it to be an average of 27 miles per second. Now, we have some questions about the science that made this thing. apparently this thing has examined about 8 million planets. now if you moved at 27 mi/s between these then this thing would be trillions of years old.

I suggest that you make one change. Change the distance of the planet to be something like five or six hundred light years away (bringing its speed to over half the speed of light and the sensor range up to a few hundred light years). That way we could probably say that this thing has only been looking around the stars for a few millenia. Maybe centuries if this thing has never colonized a world before and has been unlucky in finding any good ones.

Was is only the atmosphere content that let the probe decide that it was a good planet? probably yes. Does the probe have any learning ability? Like if it finds life, would it try to reevaluate the situation? Maybe that could be up to you.

One issue is that Luna detected a 'message' which probably means that she felt an active sensor sweep. You never mentioned that the probe did anything other than 'sense' the planet therefore that is the only thing it could be. The problem is that it is a long ways away. With your current distance it might make some sort of sense but if you adjust it to mine then it would imply the ability to send FTL signals.

Ignoring all that, you need to have used an active sensor which sends out a signal that returns to the space ship with info (like a radar would). All the information you had on the planet could be gained with a spectrometer (passive sensor) and an optical telescope (also passive).

That's all the issues I can find. Apart from that I love the concept and the story looks like it has a pretty good start so I can't wait for more. Maybe I'll try to figure out what this CE thing you mentioned is.

me thinks the story summary gives away too much.

5342473 ahhh, so thats why it will take the probe at least a thousand year to get to equestria.

"I do not knoweth when 'r f'r what purpose but I believe that one of the stars hath taken an interest in us and may be paying us a visit."

An unexpectedly awesome quote.

Also this.

In other words, you might want an editor to review this before you post. I saw a lot of small mistakes in this story.

This reminds me of an episode of Stargate SG-1 that had a similar premise.

I'm intrigued. I'm gonna put this in the Tracking portion of my Library for now, though. Keep up the good work.

One little note , When it was listing information about the planet you put a speed for gravity. Gravity is measured in G's for 1G = 1Earth Gravities. What you have there is a terminal velocity of some sort.

Good so far. Waiting for more :twilightsheepish:

Princess Luna sat up in her bed gasping for breath. She looked around her darkened room. She scanned the corners of the room for anything suspicious. Nothing seemed out of place. So why had she awoken so abruptly? She rose from her silken bed and crossed the red carpeting to the closed black curtains that draped across the massive window. She yawned and brushed the curtains aside, wincing slightly at the noon day sun. She gazed out of her tower over the keep and further out into the Everfree beyond. The guards were all at their posts, their were no storms or fires on the horizon, and their was no immediate danger that Luna could see. She lowered her hoof closing the curtain. Perhaps she was mistaken? Perhaps it was nothing but a bad dream that she could no longer remember. Luna made her way back to her bed, but froze mid trot when she felt it. It was a single drawn out magical note, it was as horrific as it was beautiful, and it came from the stars. Luna shuddered and screamed.

The word 'their' is possessive. You're looking for the word 'there'.

is this dead cause it looks dead?

alot of stories like this are canceled and dead iv read like 7 and there dead and canceled

CE? in any case this seems like it could have been an interesting beginning.

*picks story up*
*jiggles it a bit*

hello? :fluttershysad:

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