• Member Since 21st Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen October 15th

Shadowmane PX-41


Just your average british lad. I write things for a living. It’s the strangest living you’ll ever find, second only to my inability to take myself off of the grid.

Sequels1

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The charade was over, the Dazzlings defeated, and CHS and Equestria saved from annihilation.

Since their defeat, Adagio had decided to throw in the towel and give up her remaining life. By singing a song they had kept safe with them, The Dazzlings managed to remove all of their memories and age, and begin a brand new life. Hopefully, these second lives would be a lot better than their previous lives.

By singing their song, they transformed themselves into newborns and sent themselves to the only person who would be willing to help them start over: Sunset Shimmer...

[Disclaimer] Slight Spoilers for Rainbow Rocks. Don't read this story if you don't want to be teased.

The new cover art for this story comes from a very generous writer/artist called keam. She was generous enough to lend a picture to me. You should go to her page, thank her, check her stories out and give her lots of love and support. Thanks, keam. You've been a big help!

There's also some essence of SunLight in this later on, nothing too extreme, just Sunset and Twilight sharing some deep moments together, that's all.

Chapters (25)
Comments ( 223 )

Wow... Just... Wow.

5069779
Like wise. Just not sure if it's bad or good wow.

Neat! Please continue! :pinkiehappy:

We need tags for the Dazzlings. Please let there be tags for the Dazzlings.

Huh; this could be interesting. :rainbowderp:

5073603 I agree!

Interesting. Hope to see how the story unfolds dood!

5073603 Ask and you shall receive. There's now Tags for them.

Weird, interesting concept. Mostly weird, though. Not sure how I feel about this.

Not the biggest fan of the embedded Youtube videos. They're pretty out of place in a story.


It's also still a really weird concept, and I feel like you rushed this chapter quite a bit. Still, I'm curious to see where this goes. For now, at least.

Comment posted by MaikaChan48 deleted Oct 1st, 2014

Oh my gosh...this was so cute I actually had trouble reading it with a straight face.:rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss:

I have no idea why there were four paragraphs about Sunset taking a shower. What, exactly, did that add to the story?

"The others responded how they'd usually respond."

We don't. So either phrase that differently, or show us how they'd respond. As it stands, that sentence is actually pretty infuriating.

Criticisms aside, this story has potential to be super duper cute. I'd really love to see that happen, but I'm pretty concerned about some of the writing choices you've made so far. Don't rush things. If you need to take longer to write a chapter, do it. We can wait. Don't rush chapters out just to get chapters out. I'd rather have fewer, better chapters than more, worse chapters. I'm sure a lot of the other readers would agree.

I can actually imagine this song being used at some point.

Okay, this is good, but it's strugglling.
First off, you can just have Sunset totally be used to this right now. It's only been a day! People take time, I think you should maybe rewrite this chap quite a bit. Also, you're not making the Dazzlings act like their true personalities in the movie. Make them a bit more troublesome, Sonata a bit more ignorant, and please stop with all that baby talk. I guess then it would be confusing, but I seriously can't tell what they are saying sometimes!
Now, don't take this hard, I'm just helping. Trust me!

An interesting start. Having watched the movie on Thursday, I'd wanted to read this right after, but my sisters hid he computer mouse and the iPad, so I couldn't and only now, today, after deciding my brother's gonna be on huge computer too long for me to bother getting on there today (and finish reading the currently last chapters Of the moon's apprentice) I've finally read this.

I look forward to th other girls' reactions. Wonder if they'll contact twi about this, since she can come and go whenever now

I'm curious about that surprise... And slightly worried.:unsuresweetie:

Also, I now realize it's a lot easier to imagine a foal than a human infant mlp wise.

Cute, but a little lacking I felt this chapter was.

As for the antics, I can think of the girls taking turns to babysit the babies whenever sunset needs a rest, she is only a teen after all and becoming a mother overnight is a lot harder than say being a teen, getting pregnant and then having the babies yourself (I'm a guy, so that's really just my opinion from what I've listened to over the years about that subject), so I can see sunset needing some time off.

Now, as for how the babies can get into the antics with each different girl babysitting, well, pinkie lives... Well, okay, I'm kinda lost on that, really, even though her house was the one they had the slumber party at. Guess it's kinda like the rock farm, mixed with punkie's... Pinkieness?

Well, I guess them stirring a little trouble, whether baking or rock farming related would work.

Aj clearly lives on a farm, so maybe they cause bushels of apples to tumble, or members of the apple family have to save them from being hit in the head by falling apples.

Rarity seems to live in a place much like her in equestria, so maybe they get into the designs or fabrics, something like that.

Fluttershy... Bunch of animals, babies, do I really need to say more?

Can't think of anything dash wise, so meh.

And, of course, the crusaders. Oh, the disasters that can happen when you combined crusaders and caring for foa- whoops. I mean babies, need I even begin explaining?

Will favourite for now, but might unfavoute depending on how things go here.

Me after reading this chapter.

"These girls, are The Dazzlings."

This reveal was poorly handled.

Given recent events, it's entirely reasonable for the Mane 5 to be apprehensive about these new Dazzlings. Sunset's reaction to them was entirely over the top and, frankly, out of line.

Baby Dazzlings are still mad cute, but I'm not sure about your characterization of everyone else.

Too...Much...Cuteness! *passes out*

:rainbowkiss: damn, they're so cute.


:trixieshiftleft: though, i'm not too pleased that the dazzlings inevirtably killed thousands of ponies.

also, so much for following the rules, sunset. Aidgado's now thinking about their past. that's bad.

5117789

so much for following the rules, sunset. Aidgado's now thinking about their past. that's bad.

Technically, the girls broke the rules, Sunset didn't. Blame the Humane 5 for that.

You know that magical spell idea actually reminds me of a concept of Doctor Who, where the Doctor kind of did the same thing, except it was to go undercover, his enemy The Master also did it too, actually it reminds me more of The Master than the Doctor in your story actually.

So are they going to be babies the whole story or are we going to be getting time jumps?

5124977 I'm actually going to change things up a little. Just be ready for some surprises along the way.

Oh boy time jumps! :pinkiehappy: This is going to be interesting, getting to watch the Dazzling grow up again and see if anything changed when they're the ages they were in the movie...I have a feeling once they're that age, that's where the drama begins! :twilightoops::twilightoops::twilightoops: Wonder how much of they're old personality will steep through even without the evilness, because sometimes not even magic can change who you truly are, part of you will always lay dormant deep down. :pinkiecrazy:

Why in the world was that massive info-dump there? You could have just as easily put a time skip there, and nothing of value in terms of story-telling or characterization would have been lost.

Very nice chapter. Now I just have to update my main story. *Plays Super Smash Pone*

Luna: How many times have I told you to update your journal?

Lots.

Luna: Another night at mama's work should fix that with the harness and leash this time. You got until Halloween.

But but *Gets dragged away in the harness*

Great chapter. Will we see Twilight appear in this story? Maybe see her and her friends reactions to the current situation.

okay, first off :rainbowkiss::pinkiecrazy::pinkiehappy: man, the babies were so damn cute in this chapter!

*cute little cough even though trying to sound cool*

Now, for my critics, aimed more at the characters themselves, not the writer (wouldn't want any bad blood between my new sibling, would i?).

Since you and Pony Applejack are the same girl, that would create a paradox if you should happen to meet each other. And from what me and possibly Twilight have been learning, paradoxes keep on stacking on top of each other until... KA-BOOM! End of all life as we know it

:ajbemused: you know sunset, that's kinda the pot calling the kettle black. in case you've forgotten, YOU HAVE A HUMAN COUNTER PART TOO! Frankly, i wouldn't be surprised if she and the human twilight work together. Ever thought about what's gonna happen when you two meet up? Cos, if what you just said to applejack applies, you're bucking screwed!

me and Fluttershy

:applejackunsure: personally, i don't think rarity would've said that. "Fluttershy and I" sounds more regal, thus more like rarity.



Celestia: Reading one of your siblings fics i see, my niece.

Me: Gah! Where'd you come from?!

Celestia: *frowns* Wait. How dare you use that kind of language, young filly. Luna.

Luna: *nods* yes. it would seem my daughter needs to learn what is not appropriate for a young foal to say.


Me: *looks around for an exit* Night Mist, i'm gonna kill you for giving them a reason to do this to us!

Luna: *levitates me in magic* I'd say that warrants several spanks and some time on the time out stool.

I think there's another fanfiction which is basically a retelling of this story in their own words.

Here it is.

There's a couple of differences, but basically the same fanfiction worded differently. Talk about unoriginality.

OK, this ending has me hooked. I can't wait to see how you progress with this story.

Ooh, this is about to get REAL!:duck::trollestia:

Oh crap. New villains in the house! Sunset! Protect the sirens with your life! :flutterrage:.Even aganist their 'brothers'! I love them too much!:raritycry:

That was... okay. I am curious to see where you take these new Sirens, though.

Have to say, this story has definitely taken an interesting turn, can't wait to see what happens next

I still strongly suggest finding an editor to clean up your story. You really could use a good one.

5193218 i don't understand editors.

There's only one person who can alter fanfics, and that's the person who writes them. So how does an editor change things?

5193481

I imagine you would save the chapter to a Word document (or whatever word processing program you use) and e-mail it to them. They fix the errors, then e-mail the revised copy back to you.

If you're familiar with Google Docs, that works as well. It's a document that you upload online and you can give other people permission to change it.

5193481 That's because you send them in to your editor to check for errors and problems before you publish a chapter. Now here is my reaction to this chapter:

:rainbowderp::twilightoops::pinkiegasp:OH...MY...GOD!!!! You just pulled off the most insane of plot twists, EVER!!!! I can't wait to see how you pull off this one in the next chapter.:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

5193481
You... don't know how editors work?

Sigh.

Think of it like this:
Writing a fanfiction is the same as writing any old story. Writing has rules. Editors make sure you follow those rules. Obviously, some editors know the rules better than others, so make sure you find a good one. A good editor is pretty key to writing a good story.

5194102 I'll keep that in mind when my new computer arrives this week.

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