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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Good alternate story for FiM. I hope the next chapter comes soon.
4765718 Haha. Still love that silly video.
I love it i have read one like this before but it was cansel so pleas do as best as you can and dont let any one stop you
4765824 Well thank you. I will try my best. Most of all I'm trying to plan ahead and foreshadow major things. Hopefully I'll not have to recon and rewrite the older chapters too much if I keep things in line!
Well, I do like me some alternate takes on the main canon, especially when it involves Dusk Shine and what looks to be the possibility of the only Twilight getting R63'd, dood.
The Mature rating is also a plus, dood.
4765974 Thanks! I am only gender swapping Dusk and Barb. No others are planed. As for the maturity rating... I wont give anything way right now but my assistant and I spent a good six hours this afternoon working out details of who what where and when for the main six and several side ponies. My goal is to have the relationships be rationalized on a believable level not just 'I want in those pants' like some times gets to common.
For example I tease in chapter one a confrontation between Dusk and and a trio of mare's you might know from the opening of s1e1 that is very different from the reason the girls ran into twilight. To quote my current version of some part of that encounter:
Dusk would try to slip past them on his left, but Colgate's was fast to grab his arm and draw herself close, that soft minty smell of her perfume drifting to his senses even as she used her body to press into his side. “But Dusk. We are really do just want to get to know you better. Your a fine Stallion, and we know you've yet to 'Mentor' any mares. With work on your Doctorate started now that you've passed your last classes surely you must see that the three of use could be of great use to you! Lemon can cook, I love to clean and Twinke's almost as advanced as you are in magical theory. Were the perfect trio to aid your work.” the tom boy was far from bashful and would lean in to stroke her hand across his jaw.
Just a tease to thank those of you reading the prologue x3
Also! All hail the Prinny Pinkie Pie!
4766065 Well. I'm liking this story more and more now, dood.
There's a lot of repetition of some words, and the writing feels a bit awkward in its description, but you've got a solid premise and you don't seem to be going for the most generic points that seem to crop up in these kinds of fics, so I'd say you're off to a good start.
My problem with this story is that the formatting makes it hard to read.
Iiinnnteresting... Your premise intrigues me, and will be reading more. Something I've noticed, however, is that you often confuse possessive "S" ( 's ) with plural "S"; more often than not in this chapter, actually. You also used the wrong words for an idiom or two as well. It could do with another pass by your editor. Still, I will be continuing with this story.
This still needs a bit of polish but it sounds fairly well put together.
I hate hie sooooo much so I'm picturing them as anthros at least but great story non the less
Wait, are these humans or ponies? If they're humans, why are they referred to as stallions, mares, and unicorns?
Are they ponehs or hoomans?
It't rather funny to refer to them as colts and fillies when they're human in shape. Making Spike female was also a neat touch, as well as clarifying their relationship as parent and child. Overall, I like the feeling of this one. Unlike the other Dusk Shine, which was a comedic anime, this has more of a human realism to it. Very promising so far.
wait, what?
Wait, what?
They are humanized Equestrian but still called stallions/mares/fillies/colts?
Humanized yet their still reference as stallions and mares? Da Fook????
7483415
The magazine wasn't that important and wasn’t like anyone he cared about besides mother read it.
The magazine wasn't that important and it wasn’t like anyone he cared about(,) besides mother(,) read it.