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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Absolutely love this chapter. Dusk shine seems to have quite the libido and has managed to get the attention of Rarity and RD. I cant wait for the party chapter.
I think you meant "studying" instead of studding in that one sentence, though the pun would be quite fun. Also a case or two of "your" instead of "you're"
Again, neat concept and cool stuff going on, but you might need to edit/grab an editor if you can, no shame in it whatsoever!
4770658 haha thanks. My prereader is currently out of province and has not got net acess. I am always glad to hear any and all feedback thanks!
4770655 great to hear! I am trying to make him somewhat realistic and give a few opening hints as to what starts the slower relationship with Dash rolling. Rarity is quite another kettle of fish.
Great story dont stop pleas
4770889 Thank you. it will be a week or so before I post anything new but I might put out some rewrites to the prologue and while I work on the first Interlude!
Cool
I did not finish read the first chapter yet (I don't usually read 10k+ words in one shot), but I like what I read so far. However, are a couple of errors I think I found so far:
Shouldn't that be 'father and daughter'?
I thought this was Dusk, not Twilight?
Now, I know you said you are Canadian and use different words and contexts then what is use in America. So I won't be pointing out too many of those. However, I see you have a problem with capitalization (capital on some words in a sentence and no capital on some names) and remembering the gender (he instead of she and vice versa) at times. In any case, I look forward to reading more on Dusk Shine.
4771937 Thanks for all your great comments. I have made a lot of mistakes in these two episodes so far and am trying to find and fix as many of them as I can but it's a pleasure to have your thoughts applied.
And yes, I did made a bunch of small mistakes like that hehe hopefully my assistant will get back soon so you guys wont have to deal with my blatant mistakes as often.
Love this story. Looking forward to the next chapter quiet a lot!
4794032 Well thank you very much. I shall try not to disappoint!
Still reading this story, and enjoying it so far. Don't know if it's a writing style of Canada, or just your own, but you keep doing this thing where you use "would" to describe an action. An example:
So yeah, like I said, you keep doing that and I don't know what that is about exactly, only that it's very jarring to read. Also, as you can see in the same example, you have a few spelling/grammar/etc errors. Like when Dusk and Barb meet Fluttershy, and Flutters alternates from referring to Barb as a boy and a girl.
Not really trying to insult you here, the fact that I'm still wanting to read this story despite these problems says that you were able to at least catch my interest. I just think you, or your proofreader if you have one, should slow down when you're double-checking this so that it's a bit better. Cause that's what we readers are here for, aside from just reading your stories. We're also here to point out how you could have done things better and to help you find mistakes so that the person who comes along after us to read your fic will enjoy this story and spread the word to more potential readers.
Still here and still liking the story, but two things I'd like to mention. First of all, you really, really need an editor. I would recommend asking for help from one of the many editing groups on this site (just go to groups and search for keyword: editor). Tell you what. I like this concept so much, I'll even offer up my services for that, if you like. Just PM me with the url of the googledoc. In case you're wondering if I'm any good, ask Fusion Fool the 3rd. I've given him extensive editing help on a couple of his stories.
Second, don't be afraid to deviate more from the canon material. One of the great things about fanfic rewrites of canon material is how far afield you can go. You already started with Rarity's grabby hands (awesome choice, by the way) and the gender flip for Twilight and Spike, but try pushing farther out. I notice that entire paragraphs of dialogue were taken verbatim from the show, and frankly, that can get boring, especially for those of us who have seen/read it so many times that we can quote it. Don't be afraid to mix it up more. It doesn't have to go exactly like it did in the show.
I'll imagine it's a similar reason for why Rarity is after Dusk Shine in TULLoDS (The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine): because he's from CANTERLOT!!! .
Anywho, you've made a rather interesting story, here. It's actually the kind of story I was expecting to see in TULLoDS. So thank you for writing it :)
K, so they have tails, but no mention of fur or skin....
Ponehs or hoomans!?
Establishing early that not only are herds acceptable, but fairly common. A nice touch. Also nice was Dusk's paternal caring of Barb. All in all, very nice intros.
Are these characters ponies or humans? Humanized ponies is understandable, but keeping the old stallion or mare and dragoness terms make this a bit confusing. Just a thought.
Awww...I was hoping we can added Moondancer and co. in beforehand.
Great story so far keep it up
You should look reeeeally closely at some things. A lot of things are said backwards. Not that it's included , but a good example would be: rather than ' no thanks' you have 'thanks no'. Nothing bigger than that, though.
Even though I really don't like when stories completely reuse dialogue AND situations from episodes, I'm going to force myself through it because of the prologue. If there's more original stuff like that ahead, I'm fine with getting through this.