• Member Since 28th Jul, 2014
  • offline last seen August 19th


Just another FiM fan whoes decided to write his own Story and some Smutt.


Comments ( 1222 )

Good alternate story for FiM. I hope the next chapter comes soon.

I love it i have read one like this before but it was cansel so pleas do as best as you can and dont let any one stop you

4765824 Well thank you. I will try my best. Most of all I'm trying to plan ahead and foreshadow major things. Hopefully I'll not have to recon and rewrite the older chapters too much if I keep things in line!

Well, I do like me some alternate takes on the main canon, especially when it involves Dusk Shine and what looks to be the possibility of the only Twilight getting R63'd, dood.

The Mature rating is also a plus, dood.

4765974 Thanks! I am only gender swapping Dusk and Barb. No others are planed. As for the maturity rating... I wont give anything way right now but my assistant and I spent a good six hours this afternoon working out details of who what where and when for the main six and several side ponies. My goal is to have the relationships be rationalized on a believable level not just 'I want in those pants' like some times gets to common.

For example I tease in chapter one a confrontation between Dusk and and a trio of mare's you might know from the opening of s1e1 that is very different from the reason the girls ran into twilight. To quote my current version of some part of that encounter:

Dusk would try to slip past them on his left, but Colgate's was fast to grab his arm and draw herself close, that soft minty smell of her perfume drifting to his senses even as she used her body to press into his side. “But Dusk. We are really do just want to get to know you better. Your a fine Stallion, and we know you've yet to 'Mentor' any mares. With work on your Doctorate started now that you've passed your last classes surely you must see that the three of use could be of great use to you! Lemon can cook, I love to clean and Twinke's almost as advanced as you are in magical theory. Were the perfect trio to aid your work.” the tom boy was far from bashful and would lean in to stroke her hand across his jaw.

Just a tease to thank those of you reading the prologue x3

Also! All hail the Prinny Pinkie Pie!

4766065 Well. I'm liking this story more and more now, dood.

There's a lot of repetition of some words, and the writing feels a bit awkward in its description, but you've got a solid premise and you don't seem to be going for the most generic points that seem to crop up in these kinds of fics, so I'd say you're off to a good start.

Absolutely love this chapter. Dusk shine seems to have quite the libido and has managed to get the attention of Rarity and RD. I cant wait for the party chapter.

I think you meant "studying" instead of studding in that one sentence, though the pun would be quite fun. Also a case or two of "your" instead of "you're"

Again, neat concept and cool stuff going on, but you might need to edit/grab an editor if you can, no shame in it whatsoever! :eeyup:

4770658 haha thanks. My prereader is currently out of province and has not got net acess. I am always glad to hear any and all feedback thanks!:twilightsmile:

4770655 great to hear! I am trying to make him somewhat realistic and give a few opening hints as to what starts the slower relationship with Dash rolling. Rarity is quite another kettle of fish.

4770889 :twilightsmile: Thank you. it will be a week or so before I post anything new but I might put out some rewrites to the prologue and while I work on the first Interlude!

I did not finish read the first chapter yet (I don't usually read 10k+ words in one shot), but I like what I read so far. However, are a couple of errors I think I found so far:

they were really an odd combination of brother and sister more then father and son

Shouldn't that be 'father and daughter'?

Reading aloud twilight would recount the story of

I thought this was Dusk, not Twilight?

Now, I know you said you are Canadian and use different words and contexts then what is use in America. So I won't be pointing out too many of those. However, I see you have a problem with capitalization (capital on some words in a sentence and no capital on some names) and remembering the gender (he instead of she and vice versa) at times. In any case, I look forward to reading more on Dusk Shine.

4771937 :twilightsmile: Thanks for all your great comments. I have made a lot of mistakes in these two episodes so far and am trying to find and fix as many of them as I can but it's a pleasure to have your thoughts applied.

And yes, I did made a bunch of small mistakes like that hehe :scootangel: hopefully my assistant will get back soon so you guys wont have to deal with my blatant mistakes as often. :pinkiehappy:

Love this story. Looking forward to the next chapter quiet a lot!

4794032 :yay: Well thank you very much. I shall try not to disappoint! :twilightblush:

I'm glad that this chapter came out.

This was quite an interesting and informative chapter/interlude. I have to admit I was a little confused about want happened when Nurse Redheart did when she got back. I had to put the pieces together while reading the rest of this chapter. It will be interesting if Dusk x Redheart developed, but I doubt it. Anyway, I look forward to the next chapter. Word of advice though, learn the difference between your and you're, as well as, were and we're.

4795089 :twilightblush: Thanks for the positive response! This interlude was a major experiment in dual storylines. I know the editing is still sloppy and will try to fix it all up asap. And yah I shouldn't be able to miss such obvious mistakes as that. Thanks for your understanding and you're a pleasure to speak with. Now dont mind me as the grammar part of my brain clearly needs to be taken out back and shot. :facehoof:

As a side note. Nurse Redheart may feature in future stories but isn't planned as a major influence. I just finished work on the opening of chapter 2 and already have a different feel for the chapter. Its my first action sceen other then Dash's crash into Dusk and I'm going for the whole disjointed view of reality / war is hell approach. However it is much darker then this and I wish to avoid spoilers. If you care to see a rough 2 page cut of the opening pm me, I really appreciate your polite criticism and helpful advice.

4795353 Don't worry about those obvious mistakes. You don't know how many stories I read, and continue to read, that has those mistakes. As well as confusing there, their and they're, as well as, are, our and hour.:applejackunsure::facehoof:

I'm sure we will ahve lots of time to introduce him around town during tomorrow's party

Just right at the end, where Rarity is speaking, slight spelling mistake. Hope you don't mind me pointing it out, just think I saw a post about wanting to have them pointed out.

Anyways, still loving it! And actually a bit surprised at the speed of this update, but not complaining!

4796153 thanks for the edit and it's a pleasure to be so well received! Currently my muse is behaving quite well andmi am already 7 pages into chapter 2. No promises on release date but happy to know people are looking forward to each update! :moustache:

Yes! New chapter! And now we are moving towards the best part of these series, the third episode, and seeing how things change. Or at least, that is what I am looking forward to most.
That, and Princess Luna, and seeing how that is worked out.

4811055 hahaha. :raritywink: Chapter 3 is the rest of episode 2 and the fallout. Then comes 2 interludes one about life in canterlot from Luna's point of view. And the other showing were the current series of character profiles has come from. Gosh I'm good at making way too much work for myself haha :facehoof:

Awesome chapter. I didn't expect Nightmare to try to bribe Rainbow in that way and the romance between Rarity and Dusk was unexpected yet nicely done. Overall, I enjoying seeing your interpretation of the second episode of the series.

So, I gather that the next post will be an interlude or two for chapter 2? I'm just curious, what episodes do you plan on skipping?
In any case, I liked how these trails were written. I see that the rest of the Mane Six have feelings for Dusk, yet Rarity is the only that Dusk knows loves him and he loves her in return. Unless, I misreading things (would not be the first time and won't be the last). I see you still have trouble with capitalizing names. Don't worry, you'll get better with that.

4815770 :yay: great to hear from you again! I broke down my ideas for season 1 Here. I am currently working on chapter 3 with interlude 2 / 3 to follow afterwards. I know, I am making a txt file of things to find replace as assistance for my editing but some of the names are still missing. Thanks again for the intrest! And I cant wait to hear the rest of your thoughts on my ideas for the season's events.

4815843 The reason I thought the next chapter was an interlude was because of this:

-Chapter's are based off Stories from the Show. If I skip a episode i will skip that episode's # as well so I can return to any I skip at a later date when I have a better idea on how to handle that episodes story.

This left me with the impression that each chapter would represent an episode and if you skip an episode #, you were going to skip that chapter's # as well. If not, could you clarify this for me. please?

4815959 oh wow yah I totally understand that confusion. I split episode 1 / 2 into three chapters and a interlude because it was so big and unwieldy. My rule of hand is if events of a chapter take place inside real events of an episode, were as interludes are things that habben between events of the show. At one point I considered eps 1/2 to be all in one but with the story ballooning so swiftly out of control I cut the story into two separate parts and stuck my totally fanon addition to the story as an interlude between them.
Sadly as I started work anew on chapter 2 it quickly also started to balllon to massive levels as well. I had been considering making the evens with dusk inside nightmare moons shadow realm an interlude but it shouldn't / doesnt appear to be getting as unwieldy as the other chapters so im sticking with my current plan to make it a single chapter.
Your point is a good one though so to avoid confusion I will try my best to make that clear in my author notes on what comes next.
Thanks for helping me clear this up and I hope this rambling has made any sense at all, haha. Boy I ramble on!

I'm glad that this chapter came so soon. It was a pleasant surprise. I hope to see the interludes soon.

4820065 Thanks Moon, but I'm back to work tonight so I can't make any bold clams about the two interludes or the timeline before they show up. Thanks for the continued feedback! :moustache:

Whoo! New chapter, and lots of fun twists and turns (Get it? Cause they are trapped in a maze!) Definitely a fun read. Looking forward to more!

I loved how you changed the story, yet kept a lot of the original elements (:facehoof:) of the original episode. So, let's see who Dusk shall be shagging having private conversations with in Interlude 3.:raritywink: Silly question: Are you going to be having the 'Benny Hill' chase scene in this story.:rainbowlaugh:

4820554 thanks a lot, I do too :twilightsmile: Interlude 3 is a visit from the main six over the course of the day, so who knows (me I do silly) :raritystarry: And yes, I might keep the benny hill scene from ticket master... :facehoof: just dont know if it will he as funny without the music. :twilightblush:

4821754 needs more ability for thumbing.......

Random Question: What would you do if Sheogorath and Discord were both in equestria?

4821769 run like hell, cause the orgy of two elder beings like that would not make for a pretty sighy. :pinkiesick:

4821789 :pinkiecrazy: unfortunately for you THATS EXACTLY WHAT IM WRITING. Sheogorath gets bored and takes a vacation in Equestria hanging out with his friend Discord and maybe eventually Loki
My inspirarion o3o

4821877 hey. Would you read the few hundred words Ive written for my prologue so far. I feel it needs something....of course I am still writing it but.....yea....

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