Evident Disaster
Joined 30th Dec, 2011 ·
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Quick adivice; When you are going to finish a paragraph please add some space for the next paragraph and not clustered, it will hurt the readers eyes.
Overall I can't wait for moar.
That cover image: Epic tits.
Who made it?
Loving this so far! Looks promising! Can't wait for the next chapter! :)
Owch. One second migraine. Okay, lets give this some help shall we. You have a serious repetition problem. Most of the time you just repeated something you already clarified. Repetition is great for making a point, but more often than not, you shouldn't use it. It's used through out your story for every little thing no matter how irrelevant. Second, tense issues vast and horrible tense issues. Choose a tense: past, future, present and stick with it through out. Third, word choice. Some of your sentences literally make no sense, other times you used words that weren't real,. like, likeableness. Twilight is a genius, she's not gonna use made up words in her story. Next, run on sentences, there were many. Continuing, you had Spike call his penis a "thing"... do I need to explain what's wrong with that. On a similar note, you can't just have things suddenly happen that don't make sense with what you wrote. Finally, you always spell out numbers in literature, always.
The idea is interesting. I enjoyed the thought of Twilight being into Spike and Rarity having some kind of relationship. The idea of her and Sweetie joining in equally amusing. Also, I don't think you fully understand satire. The chapter itself was not satire, the story overall could be, but the chapter is not even close.
This is relative to my interests. Here, have a moustache Spike.
936760
Pretty sure it's done by the Taiwan guy who made the Chinese anthro ponies comics.
No Helldivers? No Spartans? I guess I'll check this out eventually. I'm sure will be as epic as your other stories.
936977
Thanks for the critique, that i did need, i kind of rushed this so i wasn't sure about what i should have edited, i'll go back ASAP for that.
936737
Now i do need to tell you that i initially fixed that problem, but by a massive buck up on my part, i forgot to save and a refresh ended up with me having to fix everything again. So i gave up just posted.
937458
Yeah that's actually correct, but i have him on Deviant art, i just gotta check his name when i can.
937458
Sorry man, but the next fic will be pretty epic and very down to earth, well not really considering it takes place on mars, but its a reflection of mankind in the possible future and whatnot, you know if we discover new life and such and such.
Ouch, wall of text. Leave a space between paragraphs. It's much, much easier to read that way.
937952 Well this is a nice change of pace. Usually I'm ignored, or told that they're genius and if they paint shit gold we should worship them. An extra enter between paragraphs will clear that Wall O Text feeling, and to fix it even more, indent your paragraphs. Also, the part at the beginning that basically retells the main points of the show should be thinned out to basically just saying it's been two years. If it was in the show we are aware of it, and are very likely to skip the whole part, possibly missing actually important info like the number of years part.
939316
I was kind of trying to be vague on details, if anyone was new to reading this, then it'd be a straight out summary. For those who've already watched the show would know everything so i guess i will revisit it and try to edit that, i'm not sure about indenting though. I'll try and prioritize the details as i go, next chapter and then i'll get back to this one and then fix up, its usually a trial and error method.
940035 Well there's actually a button at the top of the editing page that does all the indenting for you, except the first paragraph for some reason. That one has to be done by hand not really challenging though.
940123
Okay thanks, but what do i do about stuff i type up on word and the try and copy into the doc? They seem to ruin all of the structure, have you been able to overcome that issue?
940409 I just toss an extra enter in between every paragraph when I type on word it transfers over to look like double spacing that way. The indents will be removed, but that's why they added the button. Italics, underlines, and bold have specific commands that you can type in, in word. They're pretty simple and easy to learn. If you wanna see them, just click the corresponding button up top, and it will add one for you.
941140 How do you post images?
941175 At the top there's a picture button on the right of a three way arrow button (that ones for links). You get the image url and past it into the pop window that comes up and hit okay. Then when you post it the picture will come up instead of the text you see when you're writing. Like so
static.fimfiction.net/images/story_images/17706_r.jpg?1335573369 static.fimfiction.net/images/story_images/17268_r.jpg?1332652047
static.fimfiction.net/images/story_images/17268_r.jpg?1332652047
941323
941323
I think i've figured it out thanks!
941357 Indeed. Glad to assist.
No probs now i can start showing actual ideas... with images.
Like many people say before, this is a very promising story. But man is it hard to read it!
I'm personaly more a fan of Spilight than Sparity, but in any case I'm really looking foward to read more about this story.
982558 TY
Damn it took me 2 months people, can you please help out a poor fellow in need? I will give you my skype as well so you can contact me on the fic, real time chat can help a lot more than you think because you'll know immediately about what i'm doing.
Also i'm tired as buck.
Well Sir I don't know how you make it. But you nearly fucked up this story for me with this second chapter.
Ok, I did love the sex scene with Spike and AJ. The story about how the CMC have been ding for the last few years, etc. But what was all that about teachers masturbating and probably having sex at Cheerliee's school? I know this is a clopfic, But it's a freaking kindergarten for Christ sake... Maybe I'm being too moralist I know, and I'm sorry for that, but there must be limits and it really was disgusting for me. Also turning Cheerliee, the CMC and probably all the mane six into lesbians (or biosexuals, whatever)... Again, perhaps I should have expected some of that... But now I can't help but wonder: What's gonna happen to the romance with all this going on?
1313732 Ah, damn
i think another revision on my end. I've been running on a short fuse at the moment forgive me if i can't write well, writers block. 
Need help. Lots of help.
1313784 I don't belive it has something to do with you writting well or bad, but rather the ideas you're using. Chapter 1 was a big promise. Chapter to changed a lot from what I expected of that promise, but no everything is lost. Though I really hated some parts Like Cheerliee masturbating in front of Spike without a care like she was just an average whore or something. I'd like to se more romance.
But in the end, this is your story, and I'm not part of it. I'm only here to enjoy and, in turn, to judge. But, just like Obi-Wan told Anakin: Do not fail yourself. If this is how you want to carry on with this story, will go for it. Besides, I can bet, I'm gonna be one of the very few whos gonna complain about any of this.
1314394 Hmm, this is going to have to take a bit... deadlines everywhere.
love of feth need help.
1314426
No you don't. You only need to have faith in youself. But if you insist... I could give you mis msn.
good job! it did take a while, but was worth every bit of it, and more!!!!
Damn that was good and funny. Cant wait to see more just take your Time.
Wait, she wants to publish them and isn't going to at least anonymize them? Also what Rennes said.
This was a little shorter because of time constraints i really wished that i had a lot more time, but sadly TAFE had caught up with me.
And also i have been planning to post an image with this, but i wasn't sure if it would be permitted because of nudity.
AJ with a shirt, and her breasts not entirely in view, but rather suggestive, how far would that be from not acceptable?
I've got to say this chapter made me laugh, I can;t wait for the next update to see what's up with the current situation.
I fucking love this story man
Me Gusta...
so awesome
so AJ is interested in Spike, what about the other girls? will they want a piece of him? and will there be any Splight action?
3756330
Yeah, there's going to be some Spike Twilight action, that's the good thing about a harem fic, well sort of harem fic, you get lots of options.
3761986
YES!
3762200
It's very delayed update. Well at least its better late than never at all right?
You also happened to catch me at a good time, I'm about to finally get back to this story with a chapter update.
i hope you continue this
… hello? Next chapter?
Erotic and funny
Why didn't this story continue?