• Member Since 21st Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

darkmage1997


I'm a huge fan of some actually good cartoons, such as Animaniacs, Freakazoid, Tiny toons, Scooby Doo, Pokemon, Pinkie and The Brain, MLP, and all other good cartoons, back when tv was actually good

E

While on her way to meet her friends at the swimming hole, Pinkie Pie discovers a scared little orphan girl named Melody, and a run away princess named Clover, who is convinced she has bad luck. Pinkie offers to take Melody and Clover to meet her friends. After meeting the others of the mane six, Twilight sends a letter to Princess Celestia asking for her to meet Melody and Clover. Later on, Pinkie sees the two girls in a different perspective. Can Pinkie be the kind and fun mommy that they want so badly?

Chapters (11)
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Comments ( 213 )

yay i like this idea please make more chapters for this story

4613932 Ok, just let me go to my well of ideas, and find an idea for another chapter!:pinkiehappy::yay: Also, I checked your page, and I must say, you have good taste in favorite characters.

Hmmmm, okay, time for some criticism. Try not to take it the wrong way, I'm trying to be constructive here.

First your sentences are a bit wordy. Try to shorten the longer ones up a bit. An editor can do wonders for this (I should know, I'm really wordy.)

Second, don't be so over the top with the girl's tragic back story. She doesn't need evil stepparents caregivers. Being an orphan is sad enough. Those watching over her don't need to ban her from having friends too. Not saying this has never happened, but friends are free so they wouldn't cost the caregivers anything.

Third, Melody's speaking pattern should be shorter and simpler. She wasn't wordy, but if she's four then one doesn't expect such complete sentences from one so young.

This has potential, so keep at it! :pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

Comment posted by darkmage1997 deleted Jun 29th, 2014

4613992 I could try that my self if you have some advice on what to do. If not, then do you know any editors I can ask for help?:duck:

Second, if you haven't read "A New Home" then you haven't seen tragic yet. And just wait until the end of my rewritten version of Rise of the Titans

Thirdly, how Melody is able to speak in complete sentences will be revealed soon.:pinkiegasp:

And thanks for the kind words.:twilightblush::pinkiehappy:

4614037

>> Wacky I could try that my self if you have some advice on what to do. If not, then do you know any editors I can ask for help?:duck:

As a wordy person myself, I'm often not the best to go to for editor advice:derpytongue2: But the fanfiction site does have a group of editors whom volunteer their time to help writers. You should be able to find them here as well as here.

A good editor is worth their weight in gold--I should know, I've had several items professionally published for gaming systems and each time it was made better by a great editor.:twilightsmile:

Second, if you haven't read "A New Home" then you haven't seen tragic yet. And just wait until the end of my rewritten version of Rise of the Titans

Granted (checked out the basic description of that story and it was tragedy personified). But what I more refer to has to deal with story structure, not a too much verse too little tragedy in the back story.

Basically it should be revealed a little at a time. I've just seen too many potentially great stories on this site start off with having the Protagonist (actually an Antagonist in this instance; she's giving PInkie Pie things to deal with), having such a bad background that it comes off as unbelievable. (See, 'nother one of my run on sentences; I'm terrible with these.) It causes disinterest for most readers.

Giving a bit more at a time creates a scenario where the reader is given an amount that they can mentally digest. It also would help drive home the realness of the character's tragic past. Most everyone whose had to deal with harshness in their life doesn't want to talk about it. Especially children. Pacing it just makes more sense overall.

I should had explained my view better, sorry about that.:twilightsheepish:

Thirdly, how Melody is able to speak in complete sentences will be revealed soon.:pinkiegasp:

And thanks for the kind words.:twilightblush::pinkiehappy:

Fair enough; just so long as you don't forget about it. Once played a game where a guy had a two-year old talking like a six grader and I kept calling her a genius. He had no idea how old kids were when they started talking really well.:twilightoops:

4613992 not true my niece is 4 and she speaks very well and understands a lot

Around grade 3 level

never read a story about Pinkie adopting a human child before (usually only Twighlight, Celestia, Fluttershy, and Rainbow occasionally) you have my interest.

4614629 Hee, well if she understands around grade 3 level and is four than that'd only support my argument.

I know that there are advance placement children (I was one of them), but if Melody is just suppose to be your average four-year-old then her vocal patterns would differ.

But Darkmage said that'd be explained later so I shall remain patient.:eeyup:

HNNG! THE FEELS! :pinkiesad2::fluttershysad:
Edit: This story reminds me of Blind Trust to a degree.

4614644 Well, as soon as I can get another human child in Equestria story approved, you'll also see Discord adopting a human child.:pinkiehappy:

4618681 For my Pinkie Pie story or for my Discord story or both?:duck:

i was wondering when Melody was going to say mommy to Pinkie Pie but i know it is in this chapter now and how many chapters will have Melody in the title of them

4618738 All of them. I figure that's how I would title them.:yay::twilightblush::pinkiehappy:

4618752 ok and will the next chapter have all Serif words in it plus future chapters have that for this story

Not a bad start but
1) "No, nothings wrong, it's just I was never aloud to have dessert back at the orphanage." aloud != allowed. You did this twice.
2) Might want to close those italics.

4618781 Ok 1. I will scan through and find them.
And 2. the italics went all cattywampus

4619040 i mean is the words going to look like the way the comments dose in future chapters for this story

4619294 ok and you don't have to if you don't want to it is your story

4619306 ok and i can't wait for future chapters for this story when they come out and the next chapter when that come out too

4619316 Once I can think of more ideas for heart touching chapters

4619322 ok and i hope you can think of more ideas for heart touching chapters soon for this story because i like those kind of ideas for any story like this one

4619330 Ok, but just a warning, when I say heart touching, I mean tear jerking moments

Two thumps up ( would be six if I had six arms ) keep up the good work
:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by dream1990 deleted Jul 1st, 2014

darkmage1997 i got a question when will the next chapter come out for this story and i am sorry i delete a comment that i put on this chapter today

4626470 Maybe sometime later today, or early tommorow

Aw... :twilightblush: I love this story already! Which usually the first chapter/prologue of any story captures my attention most of the time :twilightsmile: Poor Melody, I feel so bad for her, not being taken care of properly and affectionately by such cruel and cold-hearted caretakers. :fluttershysad: Makes my blood boil :flutterrage:

However, Pinkie Pie taking the slow approach at first to try and calm her down was very sweet and cute. :pinkiehappy: And I read six best friends, so I'm believing that the sixth friend has to be my favorite baby dragon. :rainbowkiss: Very good story so far.:raritywink:

4630585 Thanks, and maybe sometime this Thursday, I will make a Fourth of July special!

Hope Discord creates a little bit of chaos towards those cruel caregivers.

4633287 Oh, I can put that in the next chapter while he gets dirt on the caregivers :pinkiehappy:

darkmage1997 is it ok with you that i put i like it a lot on ever chapter that comes out for this story like i did with this chapter

i like it a lot and i don't want now to put a comment on ever chapter that comes out for this story if that ok with you

Way to go, Discord! Justice has been served for those cruel caregivers!

4638940 Yep, and I just goes to prove that no evil deed goes unpunished

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