Fluttershy had the biggest grin on her face. Yes, she was Olu’s mom, and he was her little son. She softly stroke his cheek and he grabbed her hoof and started playing with it.
Chapters (4)
- Member Since 15th Nov, 2013
- offline last seen Nov 19th, 2016
XyroX
I'm just a 19yr old student from Germany, who wants to contribute his part to this amazing fandom.
XyroX
Joined 15th Nov, 2013 ·
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Little grammar errors here and there, like, instead of using ' he lied inside this basket' use 'he lay inside this basket'. They mean the same thing, but it comes off the tongue better. Another thing is that Fluttershy seems to be a tad OOC. I don't see Fluttershy saying 'Sheesh' or the fact that she couldn't recognize a young infant when she saw one. Twilight seems to come to her conclusion a tad too fast. Try to slow down the pacing a bit, add some more dialouge in a way that they are having a conversation and not just 1 2 3, bing bang boom. I feel that Lyra came into the story a little early. You could have held off a tad longer, maybe a chapter or two after they figure out a thing or two about Olu. Maybe he could have had a few child antics or something. Lyra could have been the character that stirred things up after the story started to get settled. All in all, I think the plot is decent from what I've seen. Just try and slow the pacing down a bit and find yourself a proof reader. Maybe even read it aloud to yourself and think "Is this how I would normally talk?" or "Is this how (Insert Character Name here) would normally talk?"
Like many accomplished authors will tell you, practice makes perfect!
3627991
Thanks for the feedback, that really means a lot to me at this early point :)
I'll do my best and try to use your advices, actually I already see that it's going a bit too fast, maybe I'll rewrite these first chapters to slow everything down. I'll see ;D
Olu was Dropped!?
I do like where this is going, however I feel like you could perhaps slow down a little. I'm a huge fan of Human's being adopted by ponies and this made me smile. Keep up the good work.
ok, YOU got my atention, this story seems good, just tell me how often will u update it please
3628836
I will update it whenever I've finished a chapter, but actually I don't have a schedule or something, so it may take a few days or even longer as I don't have the time to write everyday, though I'll try ;)
I like the common occurrence of these types of fanfics where whoever found the human child, takes he/she to Twilight, she doesn't know what to do, sends a letter to Celestia asking her what should she do.
love the anthropology reference!
XyroX i got a question when will the next chapter for this story come out
3724133 As I already told Alejin below, I don't set myself a deadline or a schedule when I want a chapter to be done for this story. The chapters appear as soon as they're written, but that may take a while since I also have some other projects running plus my vacation time is almost over, so I'll soon have even less time to write. The much I needed the time pressure for my diaries, the less I need it here, so don't expect new chapters frequently.
3724178 ok
Update?
4243096
I'm working on it, but since I don't have much time atm that may take a while :D
"Clicks on *read later*"
When You start to update again I will give it a chance.
weknowgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/you-are-literally-too-stupid-to-insult.gif
Update?
I do like this story, the only problem is that human babies cannot have cows milk until they reach at least one year of age, otherwise it could bring about serious health risks.
Now maybe he is One, and I have nothing to worry about, but I had to point that out really quick.
Other then that minor detail, I am liking this story so far.
UPDATE!
You did not just take the anthropology song lyrics.
Update