• Member Since 7th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen April 4th

Shadowswipe


I'm that one guy who wrote those things about that show.

T
Source

[Second Person fic starring you and Roseluck]
It's the beginning of summer and you have nothing to do. One day you're wandering the market and you notice a new girl working at one of the flower stands. You decide to talk to her, and a new friendship is born, but soon after, things start to pick up and you're just caught in the middle.
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Author's Notes:
-My first time writing a human romance.
-Sorry if it's a little rough in places, this comes after a huge hiatus of writing, so I need to get back into the swing of things.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 57 )

Sweet little story, had a good d'aaaaw moment at the end.. Can't wait to see where you take this. :pinkiesmile:

that picture of rose luck is just so CUTE!!!

This is actually pretty good! It's short, sweet, and to the point, and most of all, it's realistic. I have high hopes in you, my man, high hopes!:trixieshiftright:

What is up with all these Roseluck stories? I'm not angry at them; it is just surprising. She has become rather popular.

I love it! I love and I don't care! Thanks man, finally something good around here:pinkiesmile::twilightsmile:

4615532
Oh no! Expectations! My worst enemy :raritydespair: But thanks man, I hope I don't disappoint

Female writer checking in and not too shabby, I have to say. I found it a little odd that you didn't make any reference to his name, I mean, I know it's an Anon style of work, but you could have at least popped an 'and offered your name in return' before the awkward silence. But no big deal, the rest was simple and sweet enough to make up for the awkward writing moment as well as the in-character faux-pas.

So many writers make the mistake of rushing, one chapter and Blam! There's all the development you need, apparently, for romance to happen. But this is simple, it's the right pace for this opening chapter.

Now, somebody told me once that there's two means to make a story interesting, the way of Conflict, and the way of Event Juxtaposition. The second way is infinitely harder to do in written terms, and we're not expecting you as a fanfiction writer to present us with a masterpiece. That said, don't forget to throw in the barriers. The end goal is them together? Then what's stopping that? What's going to get in the way, or what mistakes is our intrepid hero going to make to put it all in jeopardy?

Now, I'm sure you've got it all planned out, so I'll leave it there, but I'm here to put another set of Expectations on you, since I rather like this first chapter :raritywink: Don't let me down!

4616857
GAH! EVEN MORE EXPECTATIONS! And thanks for the advice, I'll keep it in mind, but I have to share a my reasoning behind the nameless protagonist. I've had lots of conversations with other writers and other writers of second person fics, they all seem to say the same thing one way or another. The protagonist is supposed to be "you", you're supposed to be able to affiliate with the hero. Yes, I admit it's somewhat impossible to do when you're thrown into a situation and the character acts completely different then how you would if you were put in the same place. That being said, a lot of people get kinda angry when you name the "you" character, some people think it locks in the character instead of giving them the freedom to build their own pictures of what "you" are supposed to look like and how "you" are supposed to act. I personally don't care if "you" have a name or not, I read as an escape, so I'll take what I can get. It all depends on the opinion of the reader. And I'm just shit with names, hell, Shadowswipe, what is that? Some sort of black cat? If I were to name the character I'd most likely end up naming them after me, then people who know my real name would yell at me.

This is a special case though, since it is a human story I will have to work around the pony style naming conventions, seeing as no human would name their kid Apple Jack or Rainbow Dash. So I could write in a character name.... IDEAS! Anyway, I do have the basic plot laid out, I have the conflict somewhat planned out, this being a human fic there's a lot I can do. And the end goal will be developed, plot wise, in the next chapter and completely realized by the third at the latest.

Anyway, that's a really messy way of explaining my view behind it. I'm better at voicing my opinion than I am at typing it, something between my brain and my hands messes up the over all message of what's being said.

I like, I Like! I LIKE! Doesnt feel too rushed and sounds like a more natural course of action for a first meeting. Could you give us an insight on Anons Cutie Mark is? Also in your description you talk about a new pony not new girl. Just thought Id point that point that out. I look forward to the developments. Like, favourite and follow from me. :-)

4617020 Sweetheart, you misunderstand, you never have to use 'your' name, just point out that other characters or 'you' use it. Phrases like 'you hear somebody calling your name' and 'you signed your name' instead of actually using a given name are perfectly acceptable uses of language without specifying what that name is.

I only pointed it out at all because, as a reader, it turned the awkward silence right after Rose told 'you' her name into a kind of rude one, see? :twilightsheepish:

4617428
Okay, that makes more sense. I read that right after I woke up, so the meaning flew past me. I'll make a note of it and include it next time.

Good story so far. Some of the dialogue is a little clunky, but it's flowing pretty well.

I'm interested in seeing where this goes from here.

Yes, I'm loving it. Rose is such an underrated character and I like to see her.

Comment posted by Emerald Shield deleted Jun 30th, 2014

Instant like cause cover art

great work so far
will this just be a one shot or will there be more?

4621964
Well, seeing as I'm writing chapter 2 right now, I think it's going to be a multi-chapter story!

4621989 YAY! I can edit some what for you if you need an editor.

Cutesy romance. Not bad.

Although, I was expecting more conflict in this romance here. I feel like having two characters that meet each other for the time, suddenly being infatuated with another without 10 minutes passing, is a weak version of a romance plot, one that can easily get started and done with, unless you add in a few dramatic misunderstandings or love triangles. It just feels so... simple, that two characters meet and then suddenly like each other so quickly. (But that's just my own opinion, please don't hate me for liking different types of romances in stories.:fluttershysad:)

But, as long as this story goes smoothly, I don't think I'll mind.

Faved and liked. You, sir/ma'am, have earned yourself a mustache.:moustache:

Doesn't seem rushed to me :pinkiesmile:
In fact, it seems rather sweet! :derpytongue2:

4624236
Oh don't you worry, it's going to have its fair share of twists and turns :raritywink:

We need more Roseluck fics. You sire, have my full approval and stalker tendencies.

Ah, nothing better than a good Roseluck fix to help me with my fan fic. I'm making a Spike/Yu-Gi-Oh! GX crossover, and I needed a break.

Author? AUTHOR?! MOAR! Where is the MOAR?! Y DO?

4629245
Hmmmm, I have a feeling I should delay the next chapter by four months :rainbowwild:

Just kidding, should be soon, but, I have been putting it off since I just got a PS4 :twilightblush:

4629346

Hmmmm, I have a feeling I should delay the next chapter by four months

...

Ooh, time to put on the sax.

Quite a sweet story so far, and I like it, but... there's no way to sugar coat it: you seriously need an editor. I think this story may have a great deal of potential, but there are numerous grammatical and stylistic errors that detract from it. I think it could be made into something a bit more special if given an editorial shine.

For example:

." You say

." She says

When writing dialogue like this, you should use a period and not a comma before the closing quote marks. Also, you shouldn't capitalise pronouns (he, she, you, we, they, etc.) except for "I". For example:
"I like your roses," you say, picking up a flower at random.
"Those are from my own garden," she says, a note of pride evident in her voice.

the neck tattoo, people call it a Cutie Mark.

Change the comma to a semi-colon. I've noticed quite a few comma splices throughout this story, as well as a fair bit of other misplaced punctuation.

It is a tradition in the town

Of the town.

You sigh and lower your hand, slipping it into your pocket, fiddling with the pen and the various little things that have found their new home in your pocket there.

Avoid repetition.

and when you did,

Do. 'Did' is past tense, and you're using present tense in this sentence.

but actually physical, and closer to the ground.

Get rid of this comma.

each pedal is a different color.

Petal. (Pedals belong on bicycles, not on flowers.)

The only noise is coming from the few birds that sing the town to sleep, and from the few people who weren't done with their business.

Missing a couple of words in this sentence.

You smile at the bustle of activity.

You lean against the front of a shop, watching the people as they go about their shopping and general townley chores, watching the tattoos they have on their necks.

You rub your neck where your tattoo is, feeling the little bits of raised skin where it hasn't healed yet.

You use a great deal of 'You do activity/action' - try mixing things up a little. For example, the previous three sentences could be rewritten as:

The bustle of activity brings a smile to your face.

Leaning against the front of a shop, you watch the people as they go about their shopping and general townley chores. As each person passes by, you examine the tattoos they have on their necks.

Rubbing your neck where your own tattoo is, you feel the little bits of raised skin where it hasn't healed yet.

Send me a PM if you're interested in an editor, and I'll go over it in detail where I think thing could be improved.

Respectfully,
The Ponytrician.

MOAR! Would you kindly give us more!:yay:

There needs to be more Rose-mance fics out there.

...I am flubbergusted. That was very intriguing. I hope to see more!

Never been a fan of 2nd person... until now that it. :pinkiehappy:

I beggeth of thee, great master of story writing, and god of storytelling, to continue this story, it gives me the d'awwws, along with other ppl. Comma, Comma, Comma,

Interesting... continue

Comment posted by The-Survivor deleted Jul 31st, 2014

great work Shadowswipe as usual stoked for next chapter!!

MOAR, please update soon :(

Yo, someone did a reading of this story, go show him some love.

I promise I'll put something out, someday.

Almost a year later and still nothing, huh? I'm super sorry guys. My drive to write has been almost nothing. I'll probably put a blog out soon explaining everything. Thanks to those who still hold out hope, I know it must be hard.

I'm curious to see how this relationship shall grow.
Please continue.

Haha! A new chapter, one year later! Now one more year in the word pits for me

*fades into the night*

"“N-no. Just some people look at you weird when you say that. When I was going through school, I got a lot of funny looks when I said I wanted to stay single. I wasn’t afraid of it. If anything I wanted to date some of the people who asked, I just didn’t want to date during school, you know?"

Gah! This scene really hit me right in the feels! I'm sorta in the same boat myself. I avoided dating all throughout high school, didn't want to deal with the childish drama and hormones that come with teenagers. Now however, I'm older, and I'd like to "enter the dating scene" so to speak, except I come from a really small town. And where my college is, isn't much bigger. There are no groups or clubs nearby that are related to any of my hobbies, my hobbies, by their very nature, are pretty much geared towards introverts, and the college I go to targets adults going back for the first or second degree. So basically, I'm not around any people my age except those who I met in high school. Who, like Rose, already have someone.

So I totally get where she's coming from. I'm looking forward to the next chapter! Keep up the good work.

Though I do want to point out one thing...

"“Is there anything else I can get you two?” Pinkie asks, the chipper tone flowing around her words once again.
Pinkie nods, spinning on her heel and bouncing back to behind the counter, going into the back room."

Uh, I think you missed a sentence or two there...

6284353

Now one more year in the word pits for me

quickmeme.com/img/a7/a772f62f11a0d1e1521263cf45955e7dd485d8d147bd4b0615de9143fe55f96a.jpg

Good to see this fic draw breath again. Far too few Roseluck Shipfics onsite.

That was a bit unexpected.

Worth the wait, love your writing :)

6284792 Eat a dick Gdocs! Thanks for the heads up, I'll fix that immediately. Gdocs sometimes likes to just erase parts of my stories.

And yeah, I knew that would get some people, that's what happened to me in high school. This lovely girl who I liked beyond all measure said no to me, then I just fucked everything up. Afterwards she told me that she would have totally dated me after school, so she could put more time into school and such, then spend as much time with me after she graduated.

I feel like that's a good topic to touch on, should relate with a lot of people

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