• Member Since 14th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen Aug 17th, 2018

Saint-Mercy


Just an average brony, check me out if you got time.

T

(You) are a very lonely human, lost, alone, and an alien among ponies. Follow yourself on your own lonely tale across equestria.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 38 )

Kinda rushed, but I like it.

I think I should give some constructive criticism.

First of all, check for grammatical problems and typos, I spotted quite a few in this short chapter.
Second: why is this guy so scaredy? How old is he, 12? He acts pretty much like a wimp, having no courage to handle a scream with logic and reasoning! His character needs serious working on.
Third: the story progresses too fast, the things written in the first chapter could take two chapters, if written well. Lots of details are left out, this is an old and always showing problem.

As for the second person type of writing: it is alright, as it seems you can write in this style well.
Last thing is the guy's name. If you make it 'Anon', I will throw angry poison monkeys at you!
I suggest using a fitting name for this character, one that represents struggle and great challenge: Isaac.
Thinking of the Dead Space trilogy. That man was a badass.

I expect an answer from you.

-Zeph

4305398 honestly I was never going to give the character an actual name, I was just going to let it be vague..eh I dunno.

Afraid ponies wouldn't just throw rocks at him, and I wouldn't just let some random pony stranger get documents on me.

I know how you feel about typing 'I'. A character I'm using has a southern accent, so I use 'ah' instead. But old habits die hard, I still use the wrong one every now and again. Good story so far, keep going. :twilightsmile:

My name is who
My name is what
My name is SHIKA SHIKA slim shady

4310851 Or perhaps this?

When I said that he should get some attitude, I didn't think that he'll turn into an angrily shouting, bloody minded freak of a normal human.
But anyway.
You need a proofreader and need it fast. The grammatical problems are many and serious.
Also, with a proofreader you should also get someone who you can consult with over the ideas and the forminf of them into the written story.
In other words: you need an supervisor.
Oh, and Zecora wasn't really rhyming.

-Zeph

I admit i almost stopped reading when i thought he was just gonna turn into some pushover after the Equestrian/English argument. Glad i went far enough for him to stick it to them, keep up the good work mate.

Nice chapter as always man :D

Will the ending of your chapters always be

"Oh, of course..My name is-"

?

Anyway, nice work :pinkiehappy:

4311537 I don't think they will, but hey two in a row.

My name is Dante. :rainbowdetermined2:

But seriously, nice fic.

4337636 everyday I'm checking in this fic to see if it's updated.

Always watching...

4338339 oh, well I'll update it tomorrow.

4342261 you know who you are.

You know, if he really wanted to make them feel bad he could've accused them of genocide. As far as anyone knows he's the only human in existence, and by hurling rocks they could have potentially killed him thus ending the human race in Equestria. Or he simply could've called them all racist for attacking him for being a non-pony.

Once again, I'm stating that this story needs a proofreader. Get someone who wants to do it, if you can1t find anyone, I'll do it. Reading 'your' in the place of 'you are' is horrible.
Anyway. The buzzards' presence should have been explained... and how did he jump onto a tower from a mountain that's not above it? I don't understand.

Well, since you will be off, I guess this will go unanswered for a good while...

-Zeph

4342423 I'm not off just yet, and the palace is attached to the side of the mountain, I thought I put that in there.

4342344 it auto did that, thanks for catching that.

4342430
You should have check how it looks like.
th07.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/158/b/5/group_background__2___canterlot_castle_by_mlp_vector_collabs-d505dk0.png
See? You can't do what you did in the story.
Anyway, I hope you'll find someone to proofread the story.

-Zeph

EDIT: who is the user you talk about in the author's note?

Awesome chapter man, short but cool, Zecora remenbers me of Slendermane, always watches, two eyes xD

4342441 yay me
My second shoutout in a story

I want to hide from Luna in her own bedroom so she doesn't attack me.

So... Is this like, a comment driven story? In that case I'll keep going. Well, I'll keep going regardless, but if it I'd I'll be more interested.

wonder if this will ship anon and zecora

You sigh and sit in a corner, waiting for your end to come to you. Once that dark blue pony wakes up, bye bye life.

Luna? I doubt it.

When Luna inevitably finds me, if she threatens me or acts threateningly, flinch, and hope she makes it quick.

Yo mane you back yet?

Yeah fuck that. Shove this shit right back up your ass from whence it came.

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