[Second Person]
As you were running away from some thugs you end up breaking your leg and passing out in the streets. When you wake up you find yourself in an unfamiliar place. You also find that the thing that saved you was a Bat Pony. What will happen as your leg heals.
Editors:
Hypersonic
Silbern
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A/N: WHAT! My first 200 likes on a story?! that awesome, cheers everyone
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I wonder if the comments can be used...
You then start to hear voices come from the other side of the chain link fence
You forgot a period...
click
How about clicked...
must of hit
Must have hit
"It's alright", that court you off guard so you look at her with a real confused face "But don't do it again alright"
Caught not court...
Some of the mistakes I left in there cause it's not that big of a deal...
Unless you want me to go full out grammar nazi...
How bout addin the main six?
Don't make a lot of sense.
What kind of doctor is he ?
He didn't check for the head injury, he didn't let him stay in hospital, he just casted him and threw him out with an unknow pony, and all that when he was still unconscious? Doctors doing this kind of work in the 1950's city of Chicago is possible, but in Equestria ?
But a broken wing ( RD from read it ) is healed in a night ?
Then the fact that the MC seems to have lost his memory and he don't care at all ? He just accept the fact that he's going to be disabled for 5 weeks just like that ? He didn't ask Night Watch to conduct him to the guard station so they can find where he live and contact his possible familly so they don't freak out ?
Way too many incohérences here.
Dat Plot!
I have favourited this because of bat ponies they are amazing!
I'm just so sick of that rumour that us Bat Ponies bite other ponies necks." She continues looking down at the floor.
My reply would of been " Who knows? Maybe bitings my fetish. "
Alrighty! So we got the main ideal set. We're being chased down after successful avoiding some shady folks who like the looks of my fabulous wallet.
There's a few mistakes in the grammar category but it was far from unreadable. The only thing this chapter was missing, in my opinion, is slightly more character description. I know you went straight into the fight or flight scene so it's hard to say exactly what city you were in or what's going on but slightly more detail would be appreciated.
Keep up the good stuffz.
It's been said before about the grammar. I advise getting an editor to help out with the smaller stuff the falls through the cracks. The whole doctor thing seems suspicious as well considering the complete list of injuries he has endured.
Another thing, and this I know by experience, don't put in your authors comments "if this gets enough likes, ill continue". This seems shallow as if the only thing you like about writing is the green thumbs up attached to your story. I want you to write because you like writing; to hell with the rating system!
I look forward to the next chapter. PM me if you need help editing.
3474405
did I miss a couple mistakes?
edit: appearently yes...
meh, not a bad time for my first time as an editor
dude hurry up and put in chapter 2 I'm not the kind of guy who can wait for stuffz like this and don't write for the likes man its not good of a look on an author so write just to write
3469421
Whenever I see a good story with a couple of mistakes I want to point them out to the author but I always feel like it would be rude to do so
3476718
3476153
Don't worry. It's something that comes with time and experience. Keep up the good work.
hehe he got caught XD
Damn't I looked again!
not bad but some part confused me like the soup part it was worded weird man but still good none the less
What about when that plaster cast starts to itch?
You said mind leg instead of hind leg, other than that great job. I'm looking forward to where this goes!
You, good sir, have one large problem with this story...there is not enough chapters!
The hell you talkin' about? They update when they can.
I know that, but I just blaze on through them.
That sounds like a personal problem to me.
Bah, who asked you anyway?!
You did. In your frickin' head. Just now.
...Dammit, touche'.
In all seriousness though, great story. Can't wait for more. Meh, while I'm here, have a stache.
Dat plot!
We'll that happened I do believe Night Watch is getting the Florence Nightingale effect if you don't know what it is let me tell you the abridged version. The Florence Nightingale effect is a situation where a caregiver develops romantic and/or sexual feelings for his/her patient, even if very little communication or contact takes place outside of basic care. Feelings may fade once the patient is no longer in need of care, either by recovery or death.
It is happening. It will be our doom.
IM BATMAN!!! Wait what... Don't tell anybody.
Hehe
night watch... I like her
3570063 I've heard about that effect. It was mentioned in the first movie of the Back to the Future trilogy.
Aside from some spelling errors there is absolutely nothing wrong with this story I think.
Your secret is safe with me Batman.
I don't think it needs to be said, but I'm going to say it anyway- the plot has thickened!
Almost a bow-chica-bowwow moment there and she just left us hanging like a hangover still a chapter though
3626336 I must ask something. Was the pun intentional?
at least i got that much closer to getting DAT ASS...er flank i mean
So close to DAT PLOT
null
3626747 Maaaaybe~
I had a lot of issues with this story that just ruin the immersion for me.
First: The consistent grammatical mistakes.
second: Inconsistent characters that seem to act differently in each chapter.
Third: No details about what the characters are feeling, which makes them feel hollow and fake.
Forth: Super fast pacing, that makes it feel like no effort was used in its making.
Fifth: Little to no narrative or speech makes me feel like the characters only have 4 or 5 set emotions, and you overly use 'blushing' to show character emotion, again it makes them feel hollow and fake.
I don't mean to be a downer for anyone that like the story, but I found it hard to read this without forcing myself to do so.
Sequel NOW Please a sequel
Well that escalated quickly...
Sequel, SEQUEL, ((SEQUEL)) *chants*
Well, I'll give you my honest opinion.
First off, it was cute. Written simply with a basic premise, probably an idea that just came to you one day and you felt like writing it. I believe that you could have definitely expanded on this a bit more, making the story longer and expanding some of the scenes and having longer dialogue between "you" and Night Watch. It felt a bit rushed in areas, making it harder to get a good feel for the characters. We are given a basic understanding of them, but just barely for "Cass". You need to make sure to put punctuation at the end of every sentence, including dialogue, and also adding in commas here and there to break up speech so it doesn't seem long winded. The epilogue was interesting, with Cass saying another stereotype to Night, but it being true.
Like I said, if you were to expand a bit more on this, really give the characters some back story and more personality, you could really make something really impressive. If you do expand on this, make sure to give the reader a feel for the character and who the reader is supposed to be (Cass), and maybe build up the feelings over a longer period of time so the ending doesn't feel cliche'. Otherwise, like I said, it was cute.
HAHA THAT IS CUTE!!!!!!!
Well if you know me well enough, you'll know I never have much to say... But this was an amazing story! Sure it was a bit short, but with how good it was length doesn't really matter to me. I kinda wish there was a sequel to it, but at the same time if you were to end it here the ending was just perfect. Great work!
3570063
I just knew Batman uses Wikipedia
I live pretty close to collingwood. (probably spelled that wrong)
I love this
A good story. Short and sweet
Dat plot~
I have a friend who always looks at girls "plots" if you will, and I'm dying for the day he gets caught. Good job so far.
This story is worse than I remember.
4105158 quiet you
Gold armor?
I thought batponies worked for the lunar guard.
Empty plates were placed
I had to read that five times over to understand it
Well done my.good friend.
4210083
There's always one. I guess that one is you