[2nd person fic staring you and Gilda]
Gilda is a griffin, so are you. You are the only griffin that lives in Ponyville, you don't mind but it's starting to get lonely. One day when out for a little stroll you meet another griffin. She seems to be having a blast, until her best friend shuns her. After that traumatic event Gilda turns to you for support, from then on a very unlikely friendship is born.
A/N:
-Expect delays in chapters, I'm writing this during school.
-No music this time.
-Totally not inspired by the song Winter by JackleApp. (It totally is...)
Chapters (4)
Hey. Hey. Guess what? You're a lucky bastard. I'm going to edit this. Haven't read it yet, but I'm assuming there are going to be errors. Editing because...
1.) I'm bored
2.) I have shit to edit already, but...
3.) Fuck yeah Gilda
Give me your email, and I'll send you a MS Word document filled with comments to point out errors.
1243176
Why are you guessing there's going to be errors?
1243201
You know DawnFade? Really great writer. I used to be his first editor. Ever. I still edit his stuff occasionally. He had errors. There is no such thing as a perfect writer. That's why editors exist.
1243212
I already have editors. 4 to be exact. I don't need anymore. Thanks for the offer though.
1243215
Where? *Sigh* There goes another batch of editors. Back to self editing.
Ohhh, this seems interesting. (Faved)
1243176 You wrote "you're" instead of "your." This does not instill confidence in a would-be editor.
1243225
There are so many people who think editing is easy. It's really not. When I get out of high school, I'm thinking about being an English major if I go to college. To be an editor. So yeah. I take this shit pretty seriously. If you like the way I edit, and if I like your stories, then I may be able to become a permanent editor for you. My main... well, I guess the best word would be client, has been slowing down recently. In case you know him, it's Path_of_Cloud. Anyway, back to editing!
1243239
Umm... bro. That is supposed to be you're. As in, you are. You know?
Yay, Gilda
skinventory.dk/pics/wc/ultimate-facepalm.jpg 1243239
1243245 So, you wrote, "...give me you are e-mail," then?
And here I thought I was gonna be a nice guy and edit a random story and I'm being questioned.
1243263
Ah, shit. Well, I am typing these comments out as fast as I can so I can get done editing, though that is a lousy excuse. My apologies.
1243246
Also, this guy right here is so correct. Your writing is very bland. Something a lot of writers don't seem to realize is that you don't want to just write the story. You need to describe the story. In detail. Like, 1080p detail. Not insulting, critiquing. I want people to get better, not feel bad!
1243282
Bro. We're critiquing because we see potential. Don't you dare toss this thing!
Sorry guys, just not used to comments like these. All the comments I get are usually like "You're good or keep going." I never get any real critiques on my work.
Anyway, I'm open for editors. If you want to edit my stuff or you want to spam me with porn send it to metal_master215@hotmail.com Please ignore the name, I made the account like six years ago.
So... is this story cancelled or not? I read it and I would give a general opinion of it, yet there's only one chapter. I don't think you can judge any story by only one chapter.
1243326
Perfectly fine. Just know that we're doing this because we see potential. Sorry this is taking so long, I keep getting distracted. And unlike some editors, I also go the extra mile and pick out things about the story that aren't grammatical errors, but rather things that could simply be done better. There's quite a bit of those. Not too many grammatical errors, though your biggest problems have been commas.
This is really an interesting story, though it does have some issues everybody(myself included) makes mistakes and writes their own way. Personally, I felt the whole thing was a bit rushed, not quite enough detail on the little things and such, but overall it's still a great story. I'll track this and see where it goes, the concept really interests me.
I'll give it a like, pretty damn interesting.
Scumbag author, cancels fic half an hour after it's released.
This has potential, there's most definately imagination here, it's just not getting conveyed by the words very well.
Another thing, a lot of folks around here hate 2nd person fics (not that I do). I learned that the hard way when I wrote one. The comments were worse than these, tbh. But with every experiment comes results, and the results I got told me never to write 2nd person again. There are a couple reasons why you shouldn't do a 2nd person POV, but one of them is that you wind up using the word 'you' so much it becomes annoying to read the story. Kindof hinders the reading and takes the reader out of the story because they're aggravated at seeing the same damned word over and over again. Which definately is the case with this story. There are more creative ways to say 'you did something' but unfortunately, you need to take the time to go through the story and eliminate as many 'you's as possible.
I believe a lot of the 'blandness' of this fic is coming from having too many 'you's. But also, remember you want to 'show not tell.'
Have 4 editors really been through this? Hell, even if one of them has, I'm not really pointing fingers here, but have you ever heard the phrase: 'if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself'? I don't have editors. Not a single one of my fics have been through an editor. The only error I had in a published fic was a missing word in my 1st fic. More of a simple typo than anything else. Not saying I'm perfect, merely supporting my belief in self-editing.
Also, when you changed this to 'cancelled' did you even notice that you had 10 thumbs ups and 0 thumbs downs?
Now, if you would kindly get your ass back to work on this story... like I said, it has imagination, or more accurately, you do. And I for one want to see some of that imagination on the proverbial paper.
1243201 because he saw your "you're" error
There edited, thanks to Venatus.
My "something in the rest of story will happen" sense is tingling
Dancing Luna will inspire you!
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1356423
This is the best gif. I literally stared at it for an hour. This definitely made my day.
Thank you for that
~Shadowswipe
1358545 Wow, this is my first comment from an author, you are a God among men!!!
1361985
Oh stop it you.
1366138 -_- not sure what other gender is...
WHATEVER I like yaoi anyways!
1369180
I appreciate the praise, but I'm no god. I believe that being involved with the fans is a good way of keeping them as fans.
If you look at the comments on most of my stories I respond to most of the comments. So it's only natural I respond to yours.
Anyway, have a good one.
Thanks for the support
~Shadowswipe
Great so far. Any chance you could not capitalize "pegasus", though? I know it auto-corrects because that's the name of a mythological character named Pegasus, but if you write every other species lower case, pegusi shouldn't be any different.
1369670 I have been waiting for a story like this for a while. Please accept all of the feels I'm passing through the screen.
Adorable
This story is wonderful, truly. I am surprised that it only has so many views.
Continue to let the genious flow through you as I patiently await more.
awww how cute
Am I the only one who cant NOT stop thinking of the perfect strangers intro everytime this story comes up?
Anyway, Great chapter but I'm hoping they sort out the problem, Running from a problem never did anyone good.
I LOVE THIS!!!!
make more NOW!!!......please
Wow guys... Just wow.
This is more feedback than I'm used to.
KEEP IT COMING!!
Love you all
Shadowswipe
Kind of odd, she only knows him for a few days, then shes already sleeping with him.
Still though, I'm just a reader, please continue.
Wait, "you want to make her feel uncomfortable"?
1393184
My bad, there it's changed.
Sheiiitttt. Favorited.
1388436
She's emotionally troubled by Dash turning against her when she was so sure RD was on her side. The protagonist is the only other soul she knows who hasn't rejected her, so I'm not all that surprised.
What I did have a problem with was the protagonist so readily accepting her request to move with despite only having known her for a few days. I'd like to see more of what's going on in his head, especially regarding the big decisions. Perhaps the author could focus a little more on internal monologues and such?
1394982
Don't worry, I left a few holes open for debate, but all in all they will be closed, don't you worry.
1394988
I suppose it's all justifiable: She's been rejected by her only other friends, and he's infatuated by her. This would probably lead to an unhappy ending for both of them, especially him. He's latching onto her when he hasn't known her long enough to make a proper decision about whether or not she's right for him. It could end well, or the infatuation could fade and he could find himself moving in with a girl he doesn't have feelings for.
To properly address the actual writing of the story, I've spotted a few minor errors that derailed me a little, but were no more than a minor annoyance, like the inconsistencies with the formatting. Eg you started chapter three with indented paragraphs, but that didn't last long. You're a bit tell-y with your descriptions, but this might help. Finally, as I mentioned earlier, I'd like to see a bit more into the protagonist's head. What's he thinking? What drives him? Why does he react as he did in certain situations? Stuff like that.
I'll follow, and see where this goes.
Incredible. Just... so simply riveting.
I guess it goes without saying that I'm a sucker for 2nd-person POV fics, but this is one of many that take the cake. The writing, the feelings it projects, the slowly-growing relationship between "me" and Gilda; the concept in general is gnarly.
You, sir, are one of many whose fingers have been blessed by God/Buddha/Allah/whatever deity you believe in. Don't quit working, mate, b/c I'm eagerly anticipating the next installment to the fic.
PS: cheers for getting both featured and having an 80:1 like/dislike ratio. Better than what I could've done!
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I'm really gonna have to give this a read. Maybe it'll inspire me to start writing again so I can keep working on my Gilda story.