The Night is Endless

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Comments ( 14 )

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Death2205

Death2205 #1 · Jun 4th, 2014 · 8 · 2 ·

You'd be able to make a sequel to this story with that ending which I rly want

Magical Trevor

Magical Trevor #2 · Jun 4th, 2014 · · ·

(Sorry. Was browsing stories on my iPad, and it says my thumb hit the downvote instead of scrolling. I haven't read it, and honestly I'm just not interested, but hopefully if you show this to a mod, maybe they can take away my downvote? (Again, sorry about that. I hate tech sometimes...))

Nectarine

Nectarine #3 · Jun 22nd, 2014 · · ·

4495905 Just hit the upvote icon and that will change your vote. If the number doesn't change immediately, refresh the page and check.

Bass Canon

Bass Canon #4 · Jun 22nd, 2014 · · ·

4495479 Very hard to do if I don't know what ending you are going after.

Bass Canon

Bass Canon #5 · Jun 22nd, 2014 · · ·

4495905 It's okay, my aim was to have a story with overall positive responses, and that one downvote did not falter my ambition.

Narrative Style

Narrative Style #6 · Jul 22nd, 2014 · 1 · ·

Mediocre, at best, this story is. More grammatical and spelling errors than you would normally want (not a lot, but enough to notice), a very thin plot thread, and massive info-dump paragraphs when the Queen speaks. If you are going for emotional impact, which I understand many "clop" writers use as an excuse to wave away these more intellectual factors, then there isn't enough detail, neither from the point of view of what the character is thinking (and how that thinking is changing), nor from the description of the interaction and transformation itself. There are a few descriptors, but the treatment is rather lopsided, and much more detail could be added.
If you were to attempt to improve a story like this, the first thing, I think, that you would want to do is decide what your goal is for the story: a good tale, or a good tactile-emotional hit. Then move in from there.

*Note: I'm writing this at a quarter past 2 in the morning, so... yeah. Sometimes my brain doesn't work too well at this point. I know I'm having trouble typing...

rikusorasephiroth

rikusorasephiroth #7 · Oct 7th, 2014 · 1 · ·

Sequel?

linksbro1

linksbro1 #8 · Nov 2nd, 2014 · 4 · ·

Extremely erotic, very good flow, amazing wording and perfect for subs (like me)
I would be very interested in where the story could go in a sequel (hint hint, nudge nudge, wink wink, poke poke)

10/10

user123