• Member Since 1st Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen 15 hours ago

NachoTheBrony


Mexican. Polymath. Tourism Degree. Lives in Cancun, and has lived in Toronto, Mexico City and on the road. Likes to give free vacation advice. Unlikely to give you a free vacation.

T

This story is a sequel to Kind Hearts & Coronets


[img]http://download.megamistudios.com/AAG/contest-winner.png[/img]

Years ago, a recruit named Michael Hengst impressed an officer during an investigation about divulgation of classified information.
Which eventually landed his current, long-term assignment: “Her registry is Specimen 25467, but she likes the name Flora.”
“Your primary mission is the typical for an Intelligence soldier like you: Keep the secret from becoming public.”
“Your secondary mission is why we selected a soldier who had maintained his humanity despite his line of work: the only alien life form known to humanity needs a friend.”

And he became so much more than a friend: Flora needed a father.


While I have made this story approachable without having read "All American Girl", this story is a reply to the AAG May Story Challenge. If you like my story, you'll love the original.

Chapters (3)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 40 )

Point 4: Maybe Flora went to a different Earth instead of AAG-canon Earth, one where everything is pushed back (i.e. Mike was born in 1992 vice 2012.)

Seeing as how the deuteragonist is a lieutenant, junior grade and his second-in-command is an ensign and he's in charge of (what seems to be) a decomissioned base, he would likely be technically an OIC (officer in charge) rather than a CO (commanding officer). Just pointing that out because it's an important distinction (which means that the base is likely technically an annex of Naval Air Station Key West.)

Looks good so far and waiting for more.

4300356 I c wut u did thar :>

Nice entry to the May contest. This was one I was hoping more folks would participate in, as AU is always interesting. The only mistake that stuck out to me was a little typo in the second to last sentence:

When Mike eventually got to bed, he checked on her and found her asleep, curled in the middle of the bed. He gave he a kiss and covered her again, then left: in three more years he would sail again, but Flora would always be his daughter.

I'm assuming that should be "her."

Other than that, I'm looking forward to see where you take this!

4300356
I tend to believe that pony naming conventions are something of an oracle: not being it about the name predisposing the pony, but "magic" inspiring an appropriate name into the parents' minds.

Considering that Sandalwood was named after her grandmother, the name may turn to have been completely inappropriate.

4300367
The first full paragraph now reflects those changes. Thanks.
Now: what would be usual low manpower assigned to such a base?
BTW: Is it appropriate to just call them 'lieutenant', or do you have to say 'lieutenant, junior grade'?

Looks good so far and waiting for more.

I had to push it out fast so I would be able to have the second chapter out before the deadline. I seriously doubt I'll get the third one out, though.

4300562
I completely missed that one. Thanks.


4300466

4301057
Since the base is "officially" just in a caretaker status, it'd probably have no more than fifteen military personnel and twenty or so contractors. But considering the actual use of the base, figure seventy military personnel, and twenty or so "contractors" (who are likely DHS or CIA personnel.)

The military personnel would be as follows (official/actual)
1 OIC (Mike)
1 AOIC (Assistant Officer in Charge - the ensign)
0 CWOs (Chief Warrant Officers) / 2 CWOs (likely serving as section heads)
1 SEA (Senior Enlisted Advisor, likely a master chief petty officer)
5 - 10 LCPOs (leading chief petty officers, most likely either senior chief petty officers or chief petty officers)
10 - 15 LPOs (leading petty officers, all PO1s (petty officers first class)
15 - 25 PO2s (petty officers second class) of various ratings
The remaining half would be PO3s (petty officers third class), SNs (seamen), SAs (seaman apprentices) or SRs (seaman recruits) of various ratings.

In common parlance, a rank modifier (e.g. lieutenant, junior grade) is not said, so an LTJG would be addressed as "lieutenant". But since he's the Officer in Charge of the facility, they'd likely call him "OIC" to disambiguate him from other lieutenants that may or may not be present.

Well, you got the first chapter up and published, which meets the criteria, I believe.

great work nacho

4301057
I was making a reference to her sharing a name with a Russian camouflage.

Sounds interesting. You know the only reason I don't care for the AAG fic is the change in the characters of the mane six. The rest of it is fine, great actually. I am hopping yours doesn't turn out the same way but we will see where you are taking this in later chapters.

Interesting chapter. Some of the action and orders of battle were a bit off, but not your fault on that. Looking forward to seeing the next chapter.

Did...did...did they just take Rainbow Dash, Scootaloo, and the others prisoner?! I have to admit, considering what Rainbow Dash said in AAG about the Operation succeeding if she'd been there, I'm inclined to believe that it would have worked if they had attacked a civilian house instead of a military base. As much as the foalnapping made things difficult for OTL AAG, it better have much more consequences here, considering, again, THEY ATTACKED A MILITARY INSTALLATION!

BTW, is there a difference between a military base and a military installation?

4330898
Yes and no. If you're referring to "base" as a military facility, then they're synonyms. If you're referring to the type of facility, then there is a difference.
For example, a Naval Base (e.g. NAVBASE SAN DIEGO) is a much larger installation than a Naval Station (e.g. NAVSTA EVERETT), but they're both types of military bases (in the general sense.) Regardless, hitting any kind of military installation, even ones without a standing armament (any MEPS, for example) would be bad.

How were they warned? I could understand the ponies because of magic but I'm not so sure about how the US military was warned about it?

4332410, I think the base picked them up on radar. And considering that military radar can pick up birds, I see that as perfectly possible.

Also, what were the "supplements" Minty/Flora was given in the first chapter?

Again, nothing wrong. Good pacing. As for the errors in military procedure, don't sweat it. I'm of the belief that "If you have to dig through a field manual (lab notebook) (instruction manual) to find and correct the error, it's probably nothing."

All I see in the future is First Contact is gonna be a hell of a lot rougher. Think First Contact went bad when your first meeting is trying to kidnap a US citizen? Try making your first meeting by attacking a US Navy installation. Heads are gonna roll on the Equestriani side. Big time.

Anyways, Flora/Minty's ballistic vest is probably likely to be a modified K9 ballistic vest.

LOL, making both Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo do laps! HA! :rainbowlaugh:
I'm really looking forward to what happen next!:pinkiehappy:

4333067 it's one thing to pick up incoming on radar, but it's a whole another thing for them to start fortifying the base two weeks ahead of time and "prepare for weird."

4333166, all I'm guessing is that maybe scientific instruments detected unusual phenomena nearby and the base interpreted it as potential for shit hitting the fan.

4330259

Some of the action and orders of battle were a bit off, but not your fault on that.

I guess that starts with the statement of the ROE going awfully close to 'reveal dialogue', then me specifically choosing Claymore mines, then Mike micromanaging the entire battle while he severely abused the "All-Call" and even warned the enemy about the air support.
I could not explain many, many things inside the chapter due to the chapter then disintegrating into a lump of reveal dialogue.
If there's anything you would suggest, I'm all ears.

4330898

Did...did...did they just take Rainbow Dash, Scootaloo, and the others prisoner?!

Well; Scoots, Dash and some thirteen others were inside a booby trap that exploded hard enough to send rubble and bodies fifty feet into the air.
You tell me.

For the military action, I believe that this was just a step above the AAG version of the foal napping attempt.
The circumstances also change a lot, mainly due to Minty's existence not currently being known to the world at large. Whether she's even known to the island's civilian population is something that I will work on the next chapter.

4332410
In AAG, the Equestriani expedition first came to contact the US government, who then went into long diplomatic talks (that DJ and family were not made aware of) until Dash blew a gasket and launched an attack. In my story, everything happened the same way, except that, with Minty being a charge of the US military, they tried to secure her until the talks could go one way or the other.

4333067

Also, what were the "supplements" Minty/Flora was given in the first chapter?

Nutriologists had long ago determined that her ideal diet stood somewhere in between that of a vegetarian and that of a horse. And as she hates horse feed, she has to eat hay and livestock salts mixed into her every meal.

Besides, we have seen in Season Four that ponies eat burgers made around hay patties.

All I see in the future is First Contact is gonna be a hell of a lot rougher.

I'm currently writing my own version of 'USS Missouri sails into Tokyo Bay.' :pinkiecrazy:

Anyways, Flora/Minty's ballistic vest is probably likely to be a modified K9 ballistic vest.

I was thinking about it being fully tailor made, but I guess that would work as well.

4333142
Nope. They led the charge into the booby trap. Ouch.

4333166
4333229
(Read the blacked-out text).

4333482
As for "reveal dialogue", that kind of exposition is exactly where you would use a character's inner thoughts. You can then use the content to do exposition while having the tone do characterization. Also, it helps us shift into the action-y parts, while also putting us in the particular perspective of a character instead of a bird's-eye-view of a battle.

Good on you for trying to accurately portray military matters in the first place! I don't know if you're a former soldier, but there's not a lot of people who write even what they know entirely accurately.

I have not the slightest idea what "AAG" is, but this showed up under "Humans Aren't Bastards" group, so I'll read it.

And so far, basically, I like it. I'm kind of wondering how Flora is going to have a successful company based on shipping herbal ice-cream out of an island, but hey, I'll assume the economy somehow got prosperous again and people can afford to support luxury goods like that.

4333627

I'm kind of wondering how Flora is going to have a successful company based on shipping herbal ice-cream out of an island

I saw it as economically feasible not as a mass-market product (she would be trounced there), but as an exclusive, gourmet product sold to fancy restaurants and small hotels. Or to the 'nazi scientists' hotel' operated by the Department of Homeland Security just north of her plantations.
Thankfully, Flora doesn't do her own marketing, so her product will sell as long as she keeps up her quality.

4333598

As for "reveal dialogue", that kind of exposition is exactly where you would use a character's inner thoughts. You can then use the content to do exposition while having the tone do characterization.

I tried to do that as much as possible; however, it was impossible to go all out with that: if I included more than I did, it would have cut into the flow of the action, and with the character being a professional doing his work under stress, he would have focussed rather than let his mind wander.
That reminds me about a story by Isaac Asimov, about an author having a discussion with his editor, where the author had written a three-chapter long climax of a complex game of chess played between two space armadas, and the editor wanted the author to, in the middle of the battle, insert a chapter-long anticlimax of a random captain start having a discussions on homeland politics with one of his aides. Both of them had their points: the author argued about the flow of the action having to be preserved, thus having to keep his focus; the editor argued about the gargantuan climax being thicker than three-day old constipation and needing some relief. The author won, convincing the editor that the three chapters were chock-full of time-sensitive actions that could not be brought to a halt for ten minutes of real time.
Or, I think that's how that story went. I don't even remember in which of his anthologies that story appears.

Flora’s dad took him clue immediately: “General Silversteel, Equestriani Royal Guard, father of Minty, Countess Calabreze,” he said, bringing[...]

Bringing what? I think you lost a sentence.

----------

Interesting, it seems the contact with the parents went peacefully instead of Rarity flipping her shit like in AAG.

I wonder how the Humans will compare to the Equestriani in terms of physical capabilities...

Oh wait, I already saw. Totally outclassed. But as always, Humans are pretty much the "science heroes" in the AAG-verse.

were gifts were given (a scrapbook, gifts from her aunts (including some in name of the two who died leading the attack)

Should be Where.

Second, Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo died?! Holy Motherfucking Shit!

Sandlewood Played the voice of reason and it was a nice ending.

4365949

Er, if I recall correctly, both of those mares got 20 laps around the base, double time, (to start with) after the failed attack.

But there's some weird stuff in the chapter. I'm gonna blame googledocs for it's continued penchant to randomly drop blocks of text during a transfer. Also, this chapter needs some serious work by an editor. More than once a sentence starts with one idea then changes to another idea before it's over leading to a very confused reader forced to parse the mistake a few times to figure out what the idea was.

4365845
4365949
4366795
4366783
Sorry to you all, people: I had indeed proof-read the chapter, but I then submitted the version prior to proofreading.
Now up the edited version.

4365845

...instead of Rarity flipping her shit like in AAG.

She was. The one who wasn't was Silversteel, but that was mainly due to him being treated like a defeated general prior to the meeting.

4365949

Second, Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo died?! Holy Motherfucking Shit!

I didn't make too much of it, but they were blasted sky-high last chapter.

4366783
I tried to recycle as much as possible of her temperament from AAG.

4366795
Mike put Scoots to do pushups while he sent her troops to do laps. He then tried to equally intimidate Rainbow, but couldn't manage and she led Scoots and thirteen others died into a booby-trapped building.

4367173

Why isn't Rarity more affected by the fact ONE OF HER LIFELONG FRIENDS IS DEAD?!:raritydespair:

The Mane Seven and CMC should be strongly affected by this. It's one thing like in OTL-AAG for one of the foalnapping team to die, but for Rainbow Dash, the Bearer of Loyalty, and Scootaloo (essentially an Aunt)? I'm not seeing any of the Bearers, not even Fluttershy, forgiving the humans at all, let alone easily.

4367259
Quite easily:

1) Dash and Scoots died three months ago. One way or another, but heated sentiments would have cooled down by now.

2) Once cooler heads prevail, it would have been quite obvious that the enemy could not be held accountable for having killed Dash and Co. If anything, the family would have needed to rapidly cut ties with Dash, lest her rash actions reflect poorly against Equestria.

3) Quite frankly, if I had been Celestia, Luna or Twilight, I would have been much more worried about Dash having possibly provoked war with an enemy that made a mockery of the Royal Guard than about the fact that Dash died during her run as a loose cannon. Soaring, at least with the personality given to him by the fandom, would have likely been the first one to declare that his wife had been a hothead and had ruined fifteen years of search just because she ran tired of a few weeks of negotiations.

4) Have I mentioned that many elements of the family, especially Twilight, Celestia, Luna and Applejack, would have been quite angry about Dash ruining fifteen years of search with one rash action?

4367173, really?

Here Rarity seems a bit upset, but in AAG she had a meltdown rivaling 3 Mile Island that resulted in multiple aspersions being cast towards the Human parents.

4370353
There are quite a few changes of circumstance separating the AAG version from mine: In AAG, Rarity (and the whole gang) isn't made aware that her daughter isn't staying until she dismisses the humans like they were malodorous beasts. Here, the gang has had three months to drill on her that Rainbow's actions came and closed the door on a simple handover forever.
I could even imagine that the hatred she had for DJ's parents in AAG became transferred to Rainbow Dash in this story.

There's also a change in storytelling devices: in AAG, her panic slams on your face. Here, I peppered the whole chapter with subtle references stating that she had had an emotional breakdown and wasn't currently firing on all cylinders:

By the file, she was Rarity, Duchess Lipizzan, age 58. She too apparently held an elevated military rank; although she much more seemed like a reluctant army-wife than any officer that Mike had ever seen.

“My name is Rarity; I am the Duchess Lipizzan of Equestria.”
And their daughter took her turn after waiting a couple of seconds after her mother’s abrupt stop.

“I now request you state the intention of your visit.”
“We’ll be taking Minty back home”-
Mother!” the daughter interrupted the mother, then turned at the human officers. “We wish to perform a visitation of my sister, and to extend to her and her legal guardians an invitation to visit us in Equestria.”

Mike looked at Sharon, who nodded at him. And he agreed: the mother was overemotional, but even if she went berserk, Flora would be completely safe.

Flora’s sister had formally introduced herself and her father, and had asked for her name, before hugging her. In contrast, her mother hadn't let her get a word out and had gone for ten minutes of alliterations of "Minty, I am your mother!"

a horribly sumptuous dress hand-made by Mrs. Rarity,

Flora’s mother was no help there, having gone the entire meeting calling Flora ‘Minty,’ then mentioning that she should exercise her 'special talent' with mint and leaving it as if that settled the matter.

Mike had promised to extend a recommendation for unlimited weekend visitation rights, and in turn Sandalwood and Silversteel had (...quietly...) promised him to not let Rarity come alone and freak Flora out with her neuroses.

Wait, you're ending it here? But this thing has so much potential! RD and Scoots' apparent deaths would be an interesting thing to cover from Rarity + the remane-ing 5's perspective. Not to mention how the heavily escalating war in the main fic would play out here, with at least one less potential host for NMM. Also, it seems like Mike and DJ Sandalwood are getting together here as well (is there an alternate reality where these two don't hook up?)

Eh, it's still a good story as it is. I just want to see more like always! :scootangel:

4390857

Wait, you're ending it here? But this thing has so much potential!

I know, but I really suck at writing fiction (non-fiction I can just write and write, but fiction I just stare at my monitor for months at a time) and I really wanted to get most of it out within the allotted time frame. As I stated, I still wish to add an epilogue located in the somewhat distant future, but that will be like the rest of the story: non-omniscient, single-character narrator.

RD and Scoots' apparent deaths would be an interesting thing to cover from Rarity + the remane-ing 5's perspective.

Non-omniscient, single character narrator. Jumping to someone else's perspective would be a big no-no.

Not to mention how the heavily escalating war in the main fic would play out here,

As First Contact happens fifteen years later, all human influences and human aspects to the war become non-issues, which I believe could benefit the changeling side from the lack of human weapons, but could curse them from not having NMM as an ally. As it stands, I believe that, except for Champagne Dreams, all candidates to NMM become much weaker without early First Contact and the reorganization of the Equestriani government.

Also, it seems like Mike and Sandalwood are getting together here as well

They are: it wasn't hard to say that both are single, have some common interests (even if centred around how to benefit Flora/Minty and how to keep Rarity from smothering her), have no instinctive reactions of dislike for each other, and Mike's social gaffe left Sandalwood confused enough that she wanted to check if he was interested or not. From then on you can snowball: Flora would simply approve, Silversteel would likely approve of his eldest dating an accomplished military officer, Rarity would likely disapprove out of xenophobia (which would likely push Sandalwood harder onto Mike), Mike's parents would be likely blindsided, and the royal family would have reactions ranging from approval on romantic grounds to approval on purely diplomatic grounds.

I just want to see more like always!

If you wish to continue it, add side-stories or whatever, I would be glad to assist you, as long as you don't ask me to write it. I left plenty of stuff inside the inkwell...

4392206 Eh, tempting as it is, I've got my own monster sized epic to deal with writing. As I said before, despite wanting to see more, I think the story is good as is (or at least will be once the epilogue comes out). If you've accomplished what you've set out to do, then I see no reason to continue it other than pure desire for more content

All right, this is a sequel to a story you didn't write, which is a sequel to another story... How far back does this go? and is there a sequel to THIS story?

WHERE DO I START?!??!?!?!?!?!?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
*Runs off confused and screaming*

*Watches StarChaser run off*

Believe it or not, this is sort of normal for us...

4968217
Actually, this story is an alternate to All-American Girl, rather than a sequel to Kind Hearts.

I didn't intent to be necessary to read Kind Hearts and Coronets before reading this story, but reading All-American Girl is highly encouraged.
On the AAGverse, the first story is All American Girl, with Kind Hearts and Coronets and Polarity being prequels to it, and Be Human being a companion collection of simultaneous side stories.
And no, my story has no sequels, and I intend to write none. Nevertheless, as I already mentioned on the author notes, it isn't even finished, with it still missing its epilogue.

Very interesting work. :twilightsmile:
I guess AAG is another of your stories?

7045519
Nope. "All American Girl" is a story written by a friend. Mine is an AU based on that story. Think of mine as meta-fanfiction.

Rainbow you idiot... you've goofed everything up.:(

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!