On a normal Thursday, I wake up as a pony. I personally blame Discord, because this is his style.
A part of the PonyEarthverse.
Chapters (8)
house932
Joined 2nd Jan, 2013 ·
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This seems to go too fast, as though you were reading off a checklist of things that should happen in the first chapter. I suggest slowing it down, and taking more time to think through your, and your family's reactions.
Nice to see your story made it through
.
2095037 I will eventually get to it, probably soon.
Thanks.
............. I LOVE IT!
So apparently Taylor's Tailors is PEV canon for anyone to use as they see fit. Which day are you starting on?
2095961 Thursday.
I did ask you.
2096037
Just asking. Keep up the good work!
There's a major italics issue here. It almost gave me cancer. I will admit that I stopped around where the italic flood began (paragraph 16), but I did read a few other tidbits. And I can say that (using my own story in the PEV for comparison [/self-promotion]) the pacing is stupidly fast, as is evident by reading the first 18 paragraphs. Even accounting for Discord doing what he is doing, one does not simply wake up, figure things out, and leave their room to try and wake mom up that quickly. That seemed to be only a span of a few minutes. I think the best thing that could be done with this chapter would be a rewriting of it. Slow things down, pace yourself, and imagine yourself being there in person. Because of these issues, I can't give it an upvote, but I'm not going to give it a downvote either.
2101310 The italics are fixed.
Sorry about that, I was unaware of the near-carcinogenic amounts of italics.
I will work on the pacing issues.
I guess the pillow will be dessert.
2127715 When next I update.
Quiznos: Best. Restaurant. Ever.
Yay for universal constants!
2128211 I may put in other pony-friendly restaurants. A few more constants will be directly dropped soon.
EDIT: By which I mean used.
Tag team talking. Fun, and confusing.
They blew up the MOON!
2180345
That they did.
It's very interesting so far though, I can't wait to see more.
2257213 Yay! A sixth fan!
Seriously, though, there will be more.
Free wifi is always an important factor in life.
Could you please figure out what the text looks like when either of our leads are thinking something? In this chapter alone, Chris' thoughts went from italics to normal, only to go right back to italics. It's rather confusing.
2260019 I'll get that right now.
I like this. I like what you've done with Ditzy; the sort of snarky banter back and forth makes for amusing dialogue.
I think if I were to point out a flaw about this story it'd be description. I mean to say, you spend a lot of time on the characters and what they say, but not a lot on where you are, what you see, how this makes you feel. This is something I've struggled with for a long time and even now a lot of the time I have to go back and remind myself to attend to the details.
Advancing the plot is all well and good! And your characters are interesting enough. But what would make this great is knowing more about what's going on around you, and how it makes you feel.
2394927 Thanks!
I'll have to work on description quite a bit.
Naming your laptop after a potential natural disaster is absolutely fitting. After all, when something goes wrong with them, you feel like modern civilization is ending... And you don't want to find out what happens when they explode.
2394960 All of the computers in my house are named after volcanoes. No exceptions.
LynsanderasD summed up any critique I had beautifully. Glad to hear you're still alive and active n_n
Mourning the loss of $5 footlongs is totally natural.
2493902 It's more the loss of the only mass transit in the state that is in a city worth going to.
Hawaiian Pizza is delicious
one thing to practice on these joint chapters is adding extra detail to fill in the dialogue. You can easily double the word count and make it a more exciting read by detailing your thoughts, reactions, what you see, and what you do. Check out my last few chapters if you want ideas on what stuff to throw in.
Perhaps you could meet up with the horse of a different color, provided you can find a convenient twister.
2792278 Ha ha, Wizard of Oz joke, color changing horse.
2792278 I could always make one...