• Member Since 2nd Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen June 13th

Twifight Sparkill


• I'm one book short of a trashy paperback trilogy, written entirely in crayon. "Dense and vague, yet unimaginably interesting." - Regidar.

E
Source

• Princess Luna commits to realigning a lost dreamer, unable to accept that some ponies can never truly be saved. Edited posthumously by Dsarker, StrangeReasoning, Bad Horse, theRedBrony, and Phazon. Recently recommended (sort of) by PresentPerfect and added to Singularity Dream's Master List.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 29 )

I honestly can't tell if this is interesting or not, after reading and editing the damned thing a million times. At least it's short! REJOICE! Please enjoy, my folksies!

:twilightsmile:

Maybe you cane make her and Sombra a relationship in the sequel!
:3

And today we've learned that... Celestia is an asshole. An out-of-character asshole that bears no resemblance whatsoever to what we've seen in the last two seasons and would happily spit in the face of the relationship she has with her sister in canon. Unless of course this is pre-Nightmare Moon, but if that's so, then yeah, Celestia's an asshole.

Also, I'm no expert on the majestic plural, but I don't think it's appropriate to use when talking with your coruler. Considering they both rule the same kingdom, it's a bit pretentious.

6566886

Hint: Luna doesn't speak to Celestia until the last couple of sentences. I mean, uh... er.

Oh crap, I missed a tag! Figures! Ah well, there you go. Mystery solved! No wonder everyone was reading this and going, "what the actual f*ck?". BUGGER!

6567292
Well this doesn't exactly help. Luna trying to help Nightmare Moon (essentially dreamwalking in her own dreams to fight her own personal demons) is a very fascinating concept, but the Nightmare Moon you're giving us seems to be doing this for shits and giggles, with the only real hint towards Luna's angst being that line about existing to help others and still being happy. I don't really see much in the way of her lack of appreciation or her jealousy here.

And I still take issue with Celestia at the end. Her sister tells her that she's succumbing to her own demons (in a strange, 4th wall-breaking sort of way), and Celestia reacts just like Emperor Palpatine after Luke severs one of Vader's arms.

Wait, you took down Occupational Hazard? But... Slice of Life episode be damned, that looked promising.

6567745

Having properly digested the weight of your observation and critique, I am ... well, I'm definitely aware of a sharp stinging pain in my chest. Ouch. Otherwise, I understand your points. Let's break it down - with ponies:

"Luna trying to help Nightmare Moon (essentially dreamwalking in her own dreams to fight her own personal demons) is a very fascinating concept..."

:twilightblush: - Aw, thank you! This concept isn't new; I've been whittling away at this for a while now, just fitting bits and pieces together. I'd always intended to keep this succinct and uncomfortable - I prefer my immortals to be a bit rough around the edges.

:pinkiesmile: - She wanted to finally finish something, having seven stories on the go and a clopfic that's ground to a halt. She might have posted it prematurely, but... I dunno. She always does this: posts a story confidently, after editing the piece by herself during a bottle of wine, and wonders why she ends up rewriting the whole darn thing after the fact. I know, right?

"...the Nightmare Moon you're giving us seems to be doing this for shits and giggles, with the only real hint towards Luna's angst being that line about existing to help others and still being happy. I don't really see much in the way of her lack of appreciation or her jealousy here."

:twilightsmile: - My interpretation of Nightmare Moon is very unlike Luna. Obviously there's only been a few minutes of canon proof to determine how she should be written, but the same goes for Luna. A great deal of these characters are unknown, and thus falls to the individual to interpret. I see Luna as an archaic hothead teenage princess struggling to regain her previous duties, and I see Nightmare Moon as a crude, mature despot. In this scenario, the personalities that exist within Luna - two extremes, one being the anachronistic teen and the other a dark and knowing vulgarity - come to a makeshift truce.

:pinkiehappy: - I was hoping for some naughty stuff. I really was.

"... I still take issue with Celestia at the end. Her sister tells her that she's succumbing to her own demons (in a strange, 4th wall-breaking sort of way), and Celestia reacts just like Emperor Palpatine after Luke severs one of Vader's arms."

:facehoof: - That's my bad. I view Celestia as a jaded immortal. In my headcanon, after she banished Luna and had a nation to represent for a thousand years, she's seen and recognised all the social patterns. We ALL play our part. Mind, the entirety is vague on purpose - I know what I think all of this meant, and also who I thought Luna and Nightmare Moon were in that dream event - if you see Celestia as a vindictive cow, that's good!

:trollestia: - I prefer the moniker "tea hater", thank you Twilight.

:twilightoops: - Please don't kill me.

"Sorry, but I've seen Luna's descent into darkness done far better in [url]at least two other stories[/url], one of them being a [url]beloved recent favorite of mine[/url]."

:pinkiesmile: - Wow. Posting a scathing review, then linking other stories in said review that're deemed better and more appropriate by the critic? In the three years I've been around, I can't say I've seen even the harshest critic do that. Why don't you just push her down and start kicking her in the face? That's a bit of dirty pool! C'mon dude!

:twilightsheepish: - ... it's not that bad, Pinkie. Everyone has the right to post whatever they like in this grand artistic venue. There are no rules governing endorsements in a story blog, even if they're directly opposed to your creation and suggest that readers dislike ... your work...

:pinkiehappy: - ... any minute now.

:twilightoops: - Ow. My chest really hurts.

:pinkiecrazy: - My job is done!

... anyhow. I have read this damn thing a few times, and I like it. I guess all I can do is hope others do too? I'm most happy that I momentarily conquered my crippling writer's block. THAT MAKES ME HAPPY!

Occupational Hazard was a mess from beginning to deletion. I'll come up with something better, I mean, I hope so. Now I really don't know.

... no ill-will was intended in the posting of this response. Vote Trump. Peace.

6567949
Ooh, sorry. :fluttershysad: I guess I don't know my own strength sometimes. :twilightsheepish:

The thing is, a lot of what you've presented here left me confused, and not in the good, open-to-interpretation way. My own headcanon (and perhaps canon to a great extent) has Luna feeling unappreciated by her subjects and jealous of Celestia. I'm just not sure why Nightmare Moon has such a sadistic streak toward Luna in this dream. I would've thought she was trying to convince Luna to embrace her anger and hatred toward the ponies of the waking world, effectively abandoning her drive to help them and win their approval, but then why is Luna directing all her anger at NIghtmare Moon instead? Does this even take place before her banishment, or is this after the Elements saved her? I just don't know, and I don't think either scenario would satisfy me.

Perhaps I'm injecting too much of my own interpretation of canon into this. But to me, this story seems lacking in context at best and rife with inconsistencies at worst. I don't hate the story outright, and I don't dislike the story per se, but it just doesn't sit right with me.

Oh and never vote Trump. I know you're not being serious about that, Canadian and all, but the man has the maturity of an 8-year-old.

6568251

It's fine. I'll be honest - all of what you said? I'm fine with it.

What has really hurt me, and required me to ask others about, was your posting links in this blog that illustrate why my story is ... why mince words? Shit.

I hold you in too high regard to let this affect me, but it has bothered me. More than I want to discuss. I asked around a bit, and... this is unusual. So I don't feel so bad about my ill reaction.

Let's just put this behind us. Hm? I'm totally okay with that. Like, as in I NEED this to die right here and go no further.

Okay? Okay. Thank you.

:pinkiehappy:

6568309
Okay, that's fair. I probably went too far with those, and I'm starting to see how that would've done more harm than good. Sort of a knife-twist I never intended in the first place. The links are coming down.

6568352

Thank you. I knew you never meant harm intentionally, but it did in a way I never expected.

It's over now. WHEW!

6568352 Now I'm curious what they were.

I have the feeling this story is as much about Twifight Sparkill as about Nightmare Moon, Luna, or Celestia, and so you're criticizing it for being non-canonical when it may be a great story that happens not to really be about our canonical ponies.

There are several grammatically unparsable sentences that make it less clear, but my main problem is that I can't tell what Nightmare Moon wants. She seems to be the sympathetic figure in the story, though. I don't see what Phazon is talking about, calling her sadistic. It seems like she's Luna's captive, and Luna keeps interrogating her. The paragraph where Luna goes all pompous tyrant on her ruined any chance of Luna gaining my sympathy.

Also. Definitely vote Trump. Unless Voldemort is running this time.

Comment posted by Twifight Sparkill deleted Oct 27th, 2015

I quite enjoyed this. It got... pretty damn philosophical.

I didn't really know who Luna was talking to. I assumed it was Nightmare Moon, but you knows what happens when one assumes, don't you? I admit, I didn't like that Celestia was so excited at Luna's grim epiphany. I, like you, have my own particular way of picturing our quasi-dieties. The rest of it, I'd say was perfectly in character.

For that 4th-wall-breaking moment at the end, I did start to question whether this whole thing was entirely serious, or something more along the lines of Once Upon a Best Pony. But considering it strictly serious, I do understand the philosophical implications. At least, my inerpretation of it all is that... Luna is soul-searching and comes to the conclusion that she simply can't be happy, because of her circumstances, and her obligations. A lot like her sister, who serves her people so that they might be happy, at the expense of her own happiness. I imagine Luna here feels similarly, but for different reasons. Although there is mention of her duty to serve the dreamers.

Celestia's part at the end (all one line of it) is not how I would've written it. I'd imagine Tia has long since accepted her own grim reality, but continues to march forward through it, chin up. But I suppose to assume (there's that word again :twilightoops:) that your version of Tia has marched on for so long until the point that she's essentially gone mad because of it, that would be - in my eyes - a fitting reason why she would react as such to her little sister who has 1000 years less life experience just now figuring out her own fucked up place in the world. Is that what you were going for?

And don't worry, the story is excellent. I think this Phazon fellow just doesn't quite grasp the severity of an eternal ruler's duties (and demons), and the effects they have on them. Not to say that I can entirely myself, but I think I have a closer idea of what it's like. Though thankfully I haven't tried to blot out the sun eternally.
Yet.

All stories need a villain...

Read the story.

Theory: Fairly strange. I did not understand who the 'I' was (I gather it's Princess Luna, but apparently, browsing the previous comments, it's Nightmare Moon) at the end, although I did understand it in the middle. If that makes sense.

I also disagree with your beliefs regarding altruism.

Wording: It sounded really strange. I had to ignore the actual verbiage at points and go with what I thought it was supposed to mean. 'A bit of bureaucratic legit' I believe meant 'a bit of bureaucratic legitimacy'. I don't understand 'bureaucratic legit' to mean anything.

I also question the 'gathering a properly grandiose omnipresence'. I feel like you could lose the 'omni', and maintain the meaning I believe is intended in the sentence, while leaving the omni seems to make it meaningless. Later, you miss (I believe) a couple of 'that's.

Celestia singing and beaming... ruefully? I do not believe the word means what you think it means.

Generally: 7/10. I don't know what the metaphysics that Luna and Celestia seem to assume are, but they do not appear to be logical.

Even taking it at face value as some general critique of authority and destiny, it falls really flat.

Yes, it's important to be concise. But this is at the point of being cryptic. You clearly have a deep desire to jump to the "take that, Celestia!" + "Sympathy for Nightmare Moon" ending. But there's little foundation for the moment to carry any weight with the reader.

There's no dramatic tension. You have Luna rant for most of the screen time. Nightmare Moon makes a few snarky remarks or terse rejoinders. It sounds entirely like Luna has overwhelming power in the situation...until suddenly at the end when she mysteriously suddenly agrees with Nightmare Moon.

Now, you could be thinking it's obvious "well, some struggle is going on in the background". This is how the faceoff between Asakura and Nagato goes in Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. But the reason this sort of mechanic flies there is in _spite_ of this construction, not _because_ of it....

Do you honestly want to hear me get down to more nuts and bolts on this? I mean, I feel for your passionate desire to fight the power. But I think the ardor is blinding to you to a lot of important considerations, both in storytelling and debate form.

Halloo. Thank you everyone who paid their respects or spared time to voice their particulars regarding this ... piece. I will definitely offer a more detailed response to some of your messages another day - right now I'm a bit pressed for time, but I very much appreciated your comments and critiques. I'm an amateur at this writing stuff, obviously - I'm hoping that trying at little stories about cartoon ponies will help me explore and learn the craft. I'm ALWAYS willing to learn.

Made a few changes as per some suggestions, but nothing that really requires a reread - it is what it is, warts and all. That's it, folks.

So again, thank you all very much!

:pinkiehappy:

6568397

"I have the feeling this story is as much about Twifight Sparkill as about Nightmare Moon, Luna, or Celestia..."

That's a pretty fair evaluation. Everything I write ends up being an aspect of me, or an integral emotion I feel at the time. I didn't expect this short narrative to be controversial or relevant to anyone! I've since added the "Alternate Universe" tag to this, in hopes to better prepare readers, but... is that correct? Either way, thank you Bad Horse. My writing style has changed a lot because of what you provide in your blogs. I feel far more confident going forward. You're all the bad I like, just so yannow.

6568973

Thank you, Red. Why do you ALWAYS make me so happy!? I don't need to know - you do what you do, and you're an awesome person for being endlessly supportive AND critical (at just the right times). Because of your mention regarding Celestia, I ended up changing her dialogue. As Bad Horse so sensibly indicated, I wrote this without any canonical consideration. Maybe this'll make the entirety less sour on the tongue for new readers? I dunno. Let's see!

6569202

Your criticisms and edits were very helpful, Dsarker. Back in the day - circa 2012, or close to that - writers used to get engaging and concise reviews that they could use. I'm not as active in the community these days, but when I dedicate my time to reading and am moved to say something, I try and make it MEAN something. Truthfully, I've had very good luck of late with my recently read favourites, so I haven't had to carefully word my concerns as much as you had to with my work. I really appreciate your mention of certain things that'd make this read more enjoyable, and made a few choice changes you mentioned. 7/10 for this?? THANK YOU!

6570635

"Even taking it at face value as some general critique of authority and destiny, it falls really flat."

I cannot argue this. My attention span when it comes to writing is appalling. I like to think my concepts are interesting, but they fail in execution. This isn't a comfortable medium for me, in as it requires ACTUAL EFFORT opposed to drawing or making music. I have relied upon the tutelage of knowledgeable folks that I've followed as a fan of their works, but... it is inherently difficult to try "something new" when you don't know what you're doing in the first place. I guess that's what this is.

Dramatic tension and so on? The mistaken use and maintenance of a mechanic? I definitely want to talk about it, if you like. Everyone here, from Phazon to TheRedBrony to Martian, have been wonderful friends. Anything you'd like to share? I'm open for.

You are all very important people to me, as a writer and person. Thank you for your help and comments.

6566502

That's entirely possible. WOO!

:pinkiehappy:

Some proofreading:

"Do not be abstinent with us," the dark mare eventually chastised,

I really don't think you meant "abstinent".

I had initially found the setting disturbing compared to the quixotic manners of others; most romanticised dreams made up of fanciful hopes and impossible wishes, creating a whirling cavalcade of colours and movement that could make a mind dizzy for struggling to keep up with the whole besotted mess.

Probably you mean most romanticized dreams were made up of...

Having gotten to know this particular emotional engineering after so many visits, the bleak surroundings made perfect sense to the suffering body.

In this sentence, the bleak surroundings have gotten to know this particular emotional engineering.

"We are Luna. You know very well why we are here," she muttered. "Let us not waste our time again with hopeless pretense. We have met time and again as this, in this place, yet you continue to deny our assistance," she managed, scuffing at the lifeless ground in agitation. "Why will you not trust your Princess? Have we not been clear in our intentions to help you? Surely thou hast recognised the lengths we've gone to after all these times we've met, yes?"
After some thorough consideration, the Lunar Goddess eventually managed a breathy sigh, shedding her disheartened visage to adorn a more righteously imposing regal decorum.
"... yes, I do." I'd offered, nodding slowly.

Now and then, somepony can just say something.

Luna blinked a few times, then grit her teeth whilst grappling to word an appropriate response

Suddenly the narrator is using archaic Lunaisms.

"You dare...?" Luna growled. She narrowed her eyes, stepping well back from me, then reared up in an aggressive stance. Her wings flared outward, and she began to levitate from the derelict grounds upon which we stood, eyes glowing an unearthly white. "Though this is an illusory world, such accusations are vehemently treasonous!" the alicorn roared in an authorative voice, shaking the nondescript support beneath my hooves, gathering a properly grandiose presence. "Speak carefully to thine Princess, lest there be lawful consequences! Dost thou not recognise to whom thou dost address? Have ye forgotten thine place!?"

This is a tyrannical, hypocritical declaration of legal authority made simultaneously with the threat proving the authority is not legal or just but based only on force. I don't see how it's supposed to fit with the rest of the story, unless the story is supposed to show that Luna is an ass. Anyway, it should be thy Princess and thy place, and "recognize whom thou dost address?" The -ize => ise shift didn't happen until the 19th century. (We say "recognize" in America not because we've changed the spelling, but because England has.)

For the first time since we started meeting in my unconscious some long while ago, I was only now suddenly struck by the sheer stupidity of it all; the stately protocol Luna insisted upon, spouting idealistic nonsense that ever sated the gifted crowned affairs and nopony of mortal merits in a world that rightfully had no lawful tidings, as if the immobile commandments suited a monarchy were writ as some self-serving diatribe could ever subjugate any save the woeful uninitiated that blithely followed out of fear and intimidation.

You've got numerous places like this where grammatical mistakes are partly concealed by sentences that are so long that the reader is too flustered to notice that it doesn't make sense.

My main concern is still that NMM is the viewpoint character, but we have a sudden shift out of her viewpoint at the end that seems as if we're supposed to have taken Luna's viewpoint all along; and also, that I never found out NMM's motivation.

6575008

"'For the first time since we started meeting in my unconscious some long while ago, I was only now suddenly struck by the sheer stupidity of it all; the stately protocol Luna insisted upon, spouting idealistic nonsense that ever sated the gifted crowned affairs and nopony of mortal merits in a world that rightfully had no lawful tidings, as if the immobile commandments suited a monarchy were writ as some self-serving diatribe could ever subjugate any save the woeful uninitiated that blithely followed out of fear and intimidation.' You've got numerous places like this where grammatical mistakes are partly concealed by sentences that are so long that the reader is too flustered to notice that it doesn't make sense."

I see what you're saying. I suppose my biggest issue with this attempt was my assumption that I could edit myself with no actual knowledge of the craft. I mean, how do I rate myself at making a cake when I get so involved with the ingredients that the groceries are top notch, but the end result is inedible? That sort of feels like all my attempts at storytelling - sounds great, but the end result... I mean, the ingredients were there, yet it just... ew, this cake is really dry.

You're very kind to take time and pick this apart, BH. Can I call you BH? Is that... is that disrespectful? No, er... yes, um. Bad Horse! The Sing-Along Blog insists I call you Bad Horse! I definitely used your corrections and made a futile attempt at edits. Your wisdom and teachings are always appreciated, although I often get lost from my original self for being so damnably fixated upon what the EXISTING RULES ARE.

You're pretty excellent. Just remember that. :heart:

6574888 Anytime, Twi, anytime :twilightsmile:. As for the ending bit, I like your changes. I also don't think you need the AU tag, especially since you've changed it. It fits into canon well enough. We know Luna has harbored other... entities in her own dreams, and the comics suggest that Nightmare Moon is an entity in and of itself, it is conceivably possible that Luna has somehow harbored Nightmare within herself. Come to think of it that sounds like a horrible idea! Isn't that just like asking to be posessed by an evil demon, again? Wtf Luna. Or the other option, that Nightmare is simply a part of herself, is not not canon. The show is obviously kind of vague about that whole thing. Anyway still, much more canonical now, imo.

6575784

Whew! I feel much better now.

:pinkiehappy:

dense and vague, yet unimaginably interesting

6637317

"Dense and vague, yet unimaginably interesting."

Ladies and gentleponies, meet the words I want on my tombstone.

6637371 should I live longer than you I shall make sure you get your wish

6637460

You fucking better, asshole.

:pinkiehappy:

6637468 the future is an unpredictable and wily mistress

I enjoyed this story, Twifight. And the comments leads one to think in pleasant and not so pleasant terms.

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