Yeah, this is pretty weird. Well, something has happened to the ponies of Ponyville which seems to make them fascinated by really strange things like how they can breathe or probably how tissues replace themselves when you pull them, so I'm gonna see what I can do. First Bon Bon gets sick and she wants me to get her a bagel. I go out only to find that ponies are acting super crazy? How can this day possibly get any - oh no I said it.
This is Lyra, by the way.
...so...that happened.
Good story overall, but the new paragraphs after someone speaks is a slight annoyance. Instead of doing something like this:
do this:
You start a new paragraph whenever someone else speaks. Just a little constructive criticism for you.
4024144 I think I fixed it now. Thanks for the help! I'm checking out your story about Gabby Gums, now.
4024711 Almost, but I think you looked too far into what I said. Its a common mistake, don't make a huge fuss about it. Basically, it works like this, if, say, I was writing this paragraph:
I would write it like this
I hope I am making it clearer. I think I was too vague last time. As this story is now, its mostly run-on sentences.
4025662 Ah, I see. I only put the sentences related to the words being said together.
4025662 I'm going to fix this as soon as I can. I am way tired right now but thanks a lot. I really appreciate it.
4026532 Cool. I hope I'm helping. Good night!
4026556 Night!
4026556 Alrighty, I think that should do it.
4034472 Looks good.
I hope I did a good job helping you. So, I'm off!
4035568 Yeah, you did. Thanks!
What a title.
4365004 I'm very fond of it.