How to get a bagel in forty-eight hours

Yeah, this is pretty weird. Well, something has happened to the ponies of Ponyville which seems to make them fascinated by really strange things like how they can breathe or probably how tissues replace themselves when you pull them, so I'm gonna see what I can do. First Bon Bon gets sick and she wants me to get her a bagel. I go out only to find that ponies are acting super crazy? How can this day possibly get any - oh no I said it.

This is Lyra, by the way.

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themultiversewatcher

themultiversewatcher #1 · Mar 2nd, 2014 · · ·

...so...that happened.
Good story overall, but the new paragraphs after someone speaks is a slight annoyance. Instead of doing something like this:

"Welp, looks like that worked."
I say.

do this:

"Welp, looks like that worked," I say.

You start a new paragraph whenever someone else speaks. Just a little constructive criticism for you.

ErraticOverlord

ErraticOverlord #2 · Mar 2nd, 2014 · · ·

4024144 I think I fixed it now. Thanks for the help! I'm checking out your story about Gabby Gums, now.

themultiversewatcher

themultiversewatcher #3 · Mar 3rd, 2014 · · ·

4024711 Almost, but I think you looked too far into what I said. Its a common mistake, don't make a huge fuss about it. Basically, it works like this, if, say, I was writing this paragraph:

riiiiigghhtt
I think to myself. Eventually, we arrive at Canterlot to find the train station completely empty. A tumbleweed blows by, catching on a post of the train station before passing out of sight. "Huh... you know, tumbleweeds aren't native to this part of Equestria. Why would somepony import a tumbleweed? That doesn't make sense at a-" Thunderlane looks at me with a raised eyebrow. "Drop it." "But it jus-" "Drop it." I look down at my hooves. "Fine."
I mumble.

I would write it like this

riiiiigghhtt, I think to myself.
Eventually, we arrive at Canterlot to find the train station completely empty. A tumbleweed blows by, catching on a post of the train station before passing out of sight. "Huh... you know, tumbleweeds aren't native to this part of Equestria. Why would somepony import a tumbleweed? That doesn't make sense at a-" Thunderlane looks at me with a raised eyebrow.
"Drop it."
"But it jus-"
"Drop it." I look down at my hooves.
"Fine." I mumble.

I hope I am making it clearer. I think I was too vague last time. As this story is now, its mostly run-on sentences.

ErraticOverlord