But, if ErraticOverlord is dead, why the empty grave?
This story is a sequel to Guessing Games, or, How Many Changelings Fit In A Breadbox?
A shield has appeared over Canterlot and the sun hasn't risen. Twilight Sparkle, Trixie Lulamoon, and Sunset Shimmer, must find and destroy the cause of the shield, or the sun may never rise again. But when facing an unknown enemy, which assumptions are correct and which may prove fatal?
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This can only end well.
I like the concept, but it's incredibly rushed; aside from the dialogue, the events are summarized more than written out. You could pace it much slower and establish what's going on more elaborately. For instance, with the scene where the unicorns are brought from the past, you could cut to their relevant times and show what they're doing and how they react to getting grabbed up like this. The whole thing comes across as though you're in a hurry to get the story over with, and that's a very bad way to encourage audience interest.
Also, how did Sunset get wounded? The gash is just suddenly there and you don't show how it happens or even her reacting to it. If you're not going to use it to develop the scene, what's the point of it?
Good concept, good grammar and writing, but badly paced. I hope it'll get better.
5845121 Ah, pacing. My old enemy and I meet on the field of battle once again. Thank you so much for the comments and I'll see what I can do to fix this chapter and improve the later ones (Sunset's wound is going to be addressed later, though). I hope you'll stick with it!
5844894 ONLY.
5845121 Updated!
I hope you enjoy and thank you for your comment!
Here's a fun game, read this in the context of a clop fic.
Much better no.
5859265 Hadn't even thought about that.
Maybe I have a career in clop in me after all.
5859270 Better then a career in technobabble, you explained nothing of how spells worked. It annoyed me that you were so careless with your continuity.
5859277
Oh, yeah. I'm a real jerk at that.
5859282 For shame.
5859257 I much enjoyed the update. The pacing was much better, making it far easier to follow what was going on. You also managed to build a very interesting chemistry between Twilight, Trixie and Sunset, and I hope you'll develop further on that in future chapters. All in all, much improved. I'm glad you took the time and effort to work on it. I look forward to what comes next.
Stories written in present tense have a very different feel to them, too. Very interesting.
5859810 Thank you so much. Because of your comment, I think I made a chapter I can build on more easily in the future and one I'm more proud of, myself.
Oh yeah, present tense has a different feel to it. It takes some getting used to, but I like writing in it.
I'm confused on the genders of the ponies they brought forwards in time. At first Muffin, Starswirl and Lax are guys and Clover is a girl, the you say that there are 2 guys and 2 girls. and then there's this
Or am I just being stupid
5914325 Sorry for the confusion. There were two minor typos but I've fixed them now. To clarify, Muffin Spoonbender and Starswirl are stallions, Lax the Straightener and Clover are mares.
Thanks for pointing them out.
5914409
thanks
Is it dead jim?