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Sweetie Belle is being pursued. Those who hunt her will stop at nothing in their goal to find her. Will this young filly make it through the day? Or will all be lost?
A huge thanks to Lab for his editing abilities once again.
The amazing cover art by Swirling Line, check out her deviantart page to see more of her works. A huge thanks to her as well.
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That was awesome. Gets you all worked up, then it turns out it's just a game of hide-and-seek.
Hehe, yeah the idea hit me out of no where while watching my nephew and nieces playing said game. All three are fans of the show and the CMC and watching them play the idea hit me. "A 'hide and seek' cutie mark? What can I do with that?" This little story was a lot of fun to write.
well it was pretty good...but i was expecting something waaaaay difernt from the tital and art, i thought it was timberwolves lol, but still good story
3988274
All part of the plan. Glad you enjoyed it!
This needs more bucking views if it has no dislikes.
4021654 I know right?
But I will take what I get, I'm just glad those who have read it, enjoyed it.
It would be nice to have this story promoted, but I try to refrain from self-promotion.
4023616 I will then!
4023771 I will greatly appreciate that.
Thanks a ton.
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Those Who Hunt
Grammar score: I do not know grammar not do I care for it. I believe in flamboyant auvant gart writing so unless it's obviously an error like a misspelled word, I have no advice for you.
Pros:
1) I really enjoyed the idea of this fic. From what I saw from the cover-art and the first few paragraph, my mind was way out there. I was thinking of some sort of a shape-shifting virus tracking Sweetie Bell down for finding out it's terrible secret. Nice usage of red herrings, my friend!
2) The ending was pretty clever and I liked how Sweetie Belle was in character of being a child aka a little dope.
3) I really liked the part with Sweetie Bells and Mr. Cake.
Cons:
1) At times, I thought Sweetie Bell thought things a little too formally.
2) You can be a little redundant at times.
Here's an example:
As a reader, from the first line I know she's stopped and caught her breath. There isn't a need to say it again. In fact, you can rewrite the sentence in another way.
Be mindful of where you are being redundant. Redundancy isn't a bad thing to have in a story but it needs a certain kind of finesse to it. You have to loop and weave through and out of the story, binding the readers to your words.
Also, it can't seem like you're being redundant when the audience is reading it. Figure out how to restate the sentence/idea/theme/place in a different but similar way and you'll have readers calling you clever instead of amateur.
3) I don't have another con to say. i just really liked the story.
Notes Section:
I thought it was hilarious that Sweetie Belle would choose to hide where she said. Why not the Ponyville market, I thought. When she went to that place, that's when I realized I was being tricked and I was pleasantly pleased with what happened after. Kudos to you, friend!
My name is Regina and I would like you to review my story, Inert.
In our opinion, this story was excellent. We got pumped up and excited as the chase went on, only to find out that the stakes were really low at the end. Excellent twist. You did good.
Nice twist, and a great way to manipulate readers' expectations. Keeping the two "hunters" descriptions bare was a great choice.
While I personally very quickly figured out that it was a game of hide and seek, seeing as Sweetie Belle would have told somepony she if she was in trouble, add on the fact her pursuers also talked to everypony else casually, it wasn't that hard. That said it does seem that you managed to trick a few of the readers if the comments section is to be believed. So while I figured it out relatively easily you did succeed in pulling the wool over a few people's eyes.
Now I needed to get that out of the way before I begin my review- as I'm taking in the account of both my reaction and how I would have reacted if I had not figured the twist out.
To get the easy part out of the way. By knowing the twist a lot of the story just became a "meh-ish" read at best. By knowing the twist there was nothing exciting but to wait and see the inevitable discovery. Yet had I not known the twist I would have been on the edge of my seat, heart pounding, wondering who in Equestria was chasing Sweetie Belle and why.
The satisfaction of hearing it was yet another attempt to get their cutie marks was satisfying either way. I can very much see this as either a full episode or somehow worked as part of the background.
Characters: C
Plot: C+
Setting: C
Total Points: C
4293072 I thank you for the honest review and glad to know you liked the story to a degree. Either way, this story was a lot of fun to write. As I explained in a blog post, the idea came from watching my nephews and nieces play hide-and-seek. I just tried my best to add a dramatic/suspenseful twist to such a classic thing.
4293803 Oh it has a dramatic undertone to it, there is no denying that, but at the same time there is nothing truly that stands out about the story. Not a bad thing, but . . . . yeah . . . .
>>The_Weatherbug
I'll agree that he got the characters spot on. In fact one of the better representations of the CMC I have read in recent memory. And again it does have an undertone that I can't help but enjoy while I'm reading it, if anything the story being able to still get me, as you say, "giddy" while still knowing the outcome is a lot to say for this story.
I'll keep my stance on the issue of more details, as I think it could only add to the story.
Haha, that was cute. Short and sweet - I liked it!