• Published 23rd Feb 2014
  • 8,979 Views, 294 Comments

A funny thing happened on the way to the throne room - Kaelzoroden

A series of Celestia shorts.

  • ...

On the Classification of Divinity

The portal closed behind the Elven mages. Felruas, high diplomancer to the Elven Court, let out a sigh of relief as the familiar sensations of his reality washed back over him. Rolling his shoulders, he walked forward off the raised dias used as a portal focus.

"I must say, as entertaining as I find that "Equestria" world, it feels good to be home." Striding forward, he smiled at his surroundings. None of the twisted branches of their Wood Elf cousins, the architecture here was vaulted stone ceilings and gossamer filigree. The High Elven style struck an odd, almost otherworldly blend between elegance and austerity. Through these echoing halls Felruas walked, while several attendants caught up to him and began giving him further reports on this new world they had found- along with the two rather interesting subjects they had found within. A smile crossed his face as he saw... he was still unsure of the man's name. He was some manner of senior theologist, and he- Hanelin! Hanelin was the mans name! Hanelin was a theologist of some skill, studying the divine as though it were a science. He had been marvellously helpful in the study of the so called "Princesses" of Equestria, systematically cataloguing and analyzing each supposed act of divinity that had been attributed to any of them. With some glee, Felruas remembered that his final report was to be completed today- and sure enough, Hanelin clutched a scroll as he approached.

"Good news, high diplomancer! I've completed all the calculations, and the Princesses of Equestria seem to range somewhere between Divine Ranks 2-4, well within the demigod range! They are powerful, yes, but they can be defeated! Apparently, not too long ago the elder Princess was actually bested in magical combat during an assault on her own capital!" Hanelin beamed as he revealed his findings. "I expect that, as long as we don't tip our hand too early, the invasion should be extraordinarily easy. I believe that the only reason this 'Equestria' hasn't already been sacked and conquered is due to the fairly extensive mythos that the Princesses have built up around themselves, making their foes believe them to be vastly more powerful than they actually are." Felruas smiled broadly.

"Well done! Take your findings to the war council, we will see what plans they can come up with." Felruas stopped, turning to fully face Hanelin. "If all goes well, we shall hold Canterlot before the week is out, and the rest of Equestria within the month." Resuming his walk, he took a moment to enjoy the feeling of fate coming together as Hanelin hurried off. From all the reports, Equestria had a token military, an utter lack of combat experience, and two creatures posing as Gods who would barely slow the advance of the High Elven war effort. News this good, Felruas decided, called for a celebrations.

"Could somebody fetch me a drink? Something expensive!"


Celestia was looking forward to these little visits; the High Elven diplomat Felruas was always so charming and polite. From what she had learned of the world the Elves came from, it was a miracle that they were as well mannered and generous as they were- there seemed to be so much unnecessary war and horror in their world. Since the initial meeting between their worlds, Celestia and Luna both had agreed to a twice-weekly sit down with the Elven diplomat, so that each party could better understand the other. She knew that Luna had something that she was looking forward to showing off this time, she recognized the spring in her sister's step. She had to suppress a giggle, with the probing questions that Felruas had been asking about Lulu during the last meeting, it seemed to Celestia that the Elf might have some manner of crush on the Lunar Princess. It was, in her royal opinion, just too darned cute the way he was nervous to ask Luna such things himself! What her favourite foods were, if she tended to be up at the same time Celestia was, what the hours of Night Court were, and so on. The way Luna was acting, she wondered if perhaps her little sister had picked up on it as well.

With a serene smile on her face, she trotted out onto the relatively small but richly appointed balcony that these visits always began on. It offered a stunning view of the Equestrian countryside, and it was located near a relatively central juncture of corridors of the palace, meaning that it was quite easy to show Felruas around whenever he had questions about something. First things first however, such meetings normally began with a light brunch. Sure enough, the castle kitchens had deposited several covered dining trays on the table, likely as not containing enough food all together to feed a small army. What caught her attention though was the large cake sitting on the table, and the openly smiling Felruas standing next to it.

"Princesses! Oh, how I missed your radiant faces! Honestly, every time I visit it gets harder to go back home. Please, come, sit with me!" He would have pulled out their chairs for them, but the two Princesses didn't actually use chairs- they were large enough that they simply sat in front of the table. Felruas waited for them to be seated first before sitting himself down, however- it was the gentlemanly thing to do. "I hope you don't mind, but I had some of our cooks prepare a cake as a gift. I wanted to thank you both for how open you've been with us this entire time, and I have it on good authority that the both of you are connoisseurs of baked goods. It's hard to compare to your Equestrian cuisine of course, but I do hope you find it at least somewhat palatable." At least, palatable enough to swallow, and ingest the cornucopia of poisons in it. He watched as Celestia's face lit up like the sunrise.

"Felruas, you're too kind! I know I need to be watching what I eat a bit more, but just one slice can't hurt..." with a guilty grin on her face (today wasn't supposed to be a cake day! The Royal Dietitian was going to be LIVID!) She broke off a perfectly triangular slice with her telekinesis, floated it over and took a dainty bite. After chewing for a moment, her eyes went wide and she gulped the mouthful down. "This is quite extraordinary! Luna, you have to try this!" She took another, less dainty bite, munching with gusto. She barely remembered to swallow before talking. "What is in this icing? It's fantastic! It's got a tangy edge that I can't quite place..." Felruas beamed, clearly pleased that Celestia was enjoying it so much. It was only a moment later that he noticed the odd face Luna was making. His smile didn't falter.

"We are not sure, sister. The icing is pleasantly tangy, yes, but there is a bitter note to the cake itself that We find slightly jarring." Luna smacked her lips, mulling the taste over. After a moment, she shrugged and took another bite, not bothering to swallow before talking again. "I suppose it's a cultural difference. It's not bad, really..." she swallowed. "just not what We are used to." Not slowing down, she shovelled in another mouthful of cake. All the while, Felruas was jumping for joy internally. He had personally ensured that every poison known to Elvenkind was present in that cake- it was arguably the most toxic object that his kind had created in hundreds of years. At least two of the bakers involved had been found stone dead, with purple skin and froth around their mouth and eyes. He was quite morbidly curious to see what the effects would be on the two Princesses.

It caught his attention immediately when Luna began to cough. Ah, that must be the arsenic. The cough quickly devolved into a hacking wheeze, and Celestia watched with moderate concern as Luna leaned sideways, one hoof remaining on the table while the rest of her leaned below the level of it. After a few moments the coughing stopped, and a blushing Luna sat back up straight, wiping her mouth with her foreleg.

"W-we apologize for that, and are reminded why We should not talk and eat at the same time. Something 'went down the wrong pipe', as the saying goes." Celestia smiled and swallowed her current bite of cake.

"There is a reason why table manners were invented, Lulu. It's not only impolite to talk with your mouth full, but also unhealthy." She looked over at Felruas, and was confused for a moment by the strange expression on his face. After a second, her eyes went wide. "Oh, how rude of us! Felruas, would you care for a slice? It's quite delicious, it would be impolite for us to stuff our faces while you simply watch!" Felruas looked at her, his expression looking for all the world that of a rabbit caught in the headlights. It took him a moment to respond.

"Oh, I appreciate it, but the cake is a gift! I ate more than my fill while the cooks were preparing it- had to make sure that they got the dough just right, after all!" He really, really hoped that his smile didn't look as forced as it felt. How in blazes are they still alive!? Just touching that cake without gloves should be lethal within a minute, let alone eating it! Even for Demigods, there's no way that they can't be feeling anything! He was distantly aware that his mouth, now on well-trained autopilot, was making idle small talk over food. He watched, in stunned horror, as both Princesses periodically had 'just one more slice' every now and then between sampling the other morsels laid out for brunch. Eventually he became aware that his mouth was hanging open as he watched Luna polish off the last slice of the cake.

"You know, We weren't a fan at first, but it's a taste that grows on you. We must admit that our first impression of this delightful cake was less than stellar, but now We sincerely hope that we might bother your chefs for the recipe at some point." She smiled at him, raising an eyebrow when he pointed at her with a slightly shaking hand. She was confused until she felt an elbow from Celestia.

"Sister dear, you have some icing on your face." Luna's eyes went wide and she nearly dove for her napkin, wiping off the errant glob of oddly tangy topping. Sheepishly, she looked back up.

"A-anyway, We actually had something to show you this time, Felruas. Something We think you might quite enjoy." Celestia watched her sister with a puckish grin. "Last week, you were curious about Equestria's military heritage? Well, We admit we were not entirely forthcoming with that." Luna smiled as she saw a look of hungering curiosity cross Felruas' face.

"Oh? I am all ears, Princess. The history of your military seems quite fascinating, that such a relatively small force has managed to defend the borders of your great nation for so long." Internally, he was wracking his brain. This could be a stumbling block for the invasion, but what could they possibly have? Arcane superweapon? No, likely no need, they are widely believed to be living arcane superweapons. A highly trained secret service? Unlikely, I doubt they would be revealing that even to me just yet. Think, think, think!" Luna was nearly bouncing in place as she talked, though whether that was from excitement or the sugar contained in half of an extremely poisoned cake was impossible to tell.

"The truth is that We did not bring it up because we were no longer sure of its exact location- the entrance had been sealed and built over during Our banishment. We found it though!" Celestia was beginning to put two and two together, and she looked at her sister with some concern.

"Luna, you don't mean..."

"Yes, We do! We finally found them again! The Crypts of the Annular Legion!" Celestia resisted the urge to facehoof. Little Lulu had a potentially interested Gentleman visitor, and she was going to show him around an ancient condemned tomb. She was glad Cadance wasn't here for this, the Alicorn of Love would have an aneurysm if she saw Luna shooting her chances like this.


"It was not easy to find, and harder still to gain access. Our persistence paid off though, and we will soon have the Crypts restored to their former glory!" Luna led the way through the darkened tunnel, her horn acting as one of the two sole lights in the darkness. The other light, belonging to Celestia, periodically swung back and forth as the elder sister looked around and got hit by wave after wave of memories. Running through the darkness, the knowledge the shadows hid nothing only making things worse.

"Luna, did you ever look up why the Crypts were sealed off?" A howling wind in a sealed room, faces flitting at the edge of vision.

"Of course We did! Some matter of mass possession and a resulting loss of control. In all honesty though Celestia, had We been there alongside you things never would have gotten out of hand. We are back now, and the Crypts deserve to be reopened." Celestia looked uneasy.

"I'm just not sure if this is a good idea Luna. Our ponies don't even remember the old stories about this place, there's no telling how they will react." A shapeless mass that could never be directly looked at, no matter how quickly ones head turned or ones eyes moved.

If Celestia was uneasy, Felruas was shaking like a leaf. He had never been particularly good with graves, and from what he could gather he was currently following the two creatures he had just tried to poison deep into a centuries old tomb that may or may not be haunted. It wasn't until he actually walked into Celestia's backside that he realized they had stopped moving. Ahead, Luna seemed to be focusing on some collapsed rocks. Her horn ignited with telekinesis, and for a moment a similar glow surrounded the stones. She focused briefly before releasing her magic, to no seeming effect. Felruas let out an internal sigh of relief at that- they might have some odd immunity to poison, but apparently their telekinesis was far more limited than they let on if she couldn't even lift a pile of rocks. He smile dissolved though as the rocks, having just been subjected to far more telekinetic pressure than any measuring equipment would survive long enough to quantify, collapsed into a fine sand. Trying not to lapse into hysteric laughter at how much THAT particular ability of their had been underestimated, he mutely followed along.

There wasn't much further for them to go, however. The pathway opened up into a massive circular chamber, walkways ringing the edges as the floor was lost somewhere in the sea of darkness below. The drop was not the most unsettling thing though- that honour went to the objects which lined the walls of the entire chamber.

From a distance, they might have passed as some manner of very deep bas relief. Upon closer inspection, Felruas was horrified to discover, they were some combination of carved stone and Pony remains. Each was depicted upright in a state of repose, with forelegs crossed. Their flesh had been carved to look skeletally gaunt, and those with wings had actual wing bones inlaid in the correct positions along carved stone wings, depicted flared. It took him a moment to notice, but all of their carved legs seemed to be capped with actual desiccated hooves. Worst, however, were the heads.

They were mostly bone, the skulls having somehow been mounted half inside the stone. However, some ancient artisan had gone to great lengths to carve individual stone panels and affix them to parts of the skull, leaving them looking as though they had been layered with muscle. There was just enough detail that, if he squinted, he could almost make out what the face would have looked like while the pony was alive. Thoroughly unsettled, he backed away from the corpse / carving he had been inspecting, and back towards the Princesses.

"T-the Annular Legion, then? Who were they? This is quite an impressive tomb to have simply been sealed up!" He tried to look calm and relaxed, but he knew he was doing a poor job keeping the tremor out of his voice. This place felt wrong in every way- it bore only the faintest resemblance to Equestrian architecture, looking older than even the oldest parts he had seen of the castle. Luna didn't seem to share his discomfort though, as she let out a wistful sigh and looked around the chamber with the expression of a mother watching a sleeping child. When she spoke, her voice was laced with some combination of affection, reverence and regret.

"They are the worst war criminals of Equestria's past, but also some of its most devoted patriots and the only reason why Equestria survived some very dark times." The fact that she was not speaking in past tense about them was a detail completely missed by Felruas. There was a moment of hushed silence as the three stood there, Luna looking at peace, Celestia fidgeting, and Felruas making a valiant effort to not soil himself in fear. After a moment, Luna turned to her sister. "Come Celestia, let us see if the lamps still work!"

Felruas didn't dare let the Princesses get too far away from him down here, so as they walked over to a pair of crystals embedded in the wall he followed right on their heels. He knew he was doing a poor job of keeping up his suave, diplomatic facade, but down here in the ancient darkness he was having a bit of a hard time remembering why that was so important. Fortunately, after a moment of focus from both of the Princesses, crystals set into the walls of the entire chamber began to light up, bathing the massive tomb in a cold light. Able to see the full scope of it for the first time, Felruas once again felt his jaw drop. He knew the chamber was deep, but he had only estimated it to go down about half as far as it actually did. The entire way down, he could see that all the walls were lined with more of the macabre carvings. Curiously though, the floor so far below seemed to be occupied by a massive pile of what looked like grey sand, reaching several floors high at its centre. Trying to will his fraying nerves to steady, he turned to the Princesses for an explanation. What he saw was them engaged in a quiet debate.

"Please sister? Just one! We need to know that have not left after all this time!"

"...I'm not sure if it would be wise, Luna. The last time it took a lot of heartache and work to seal this place."

"But you were by yourself! The Legion would never serve only one of us, and with Us here as well they could resume their rightful place! Please Sister, we only want to see if it's even possible! Just one!" Celestia rubbed her temples.

"...Fine, but only one. I'm trusting you on this Luna, if things get out of hoof then it is your responsibility to bear. Agreed?" Luna nodded enthusiastically. Turning, she lept to the edge of the walkway and ignited her horn.

Felruas could hear it before he could see it, even with the glowing crystals the light was still somewhat dim. The pile of sand shifting far below, as a faint wind whipped up. He began to see a small vortex pulling a bit of sand from the pile, raising it up until it coalesced into a sphere in front of the Lunar Princess. Holding it with her telekinesis, Luna walked along the walkway, carefully inspecting each of the skeletal carvings. She finally seemed to find what she was looking for, and with a smile she raised the orb in front of her, right in front of the carving.

Felruas, being an Elf, had some knowledge of magic. He could feel how Equestria's magic was subtly different from that of his own world, and he could sometimes faintly sense it when the Princesses worked their magic- usually nothing more than the rough school of what spell they were using was, such as evocation, divination, or conjuration. What he felt now was not only a type of magic he hadn't expected to feel from either of the Princesses, but a twisted form of it that he was quite certain wasn't supposed to be possible.

As the orb of sand began to emit small tendrils that snaked towards the carving, Felruas was acutely aware of the exotic feeling of necromancy. What caught him off guard was that instead of the cold, nervous sensation of negative energy that always went hand in hand with necromancy, there was an almost palpable warmth to the spell. Somehow, positive energy was being used to fuel a necromantic spell, and he knew for a fact that some of his old magic teachers would be spinning in their graves at this. As he watched in horror, the sand layered itself over the bones and the stone, forming the layer of skin that seemed to have been left off by the carver. No sooner had the sand fully layered itself over the face than the closed eyelids snapped open, revealing the empty sockets of the skull beneath. With the grinding sound of stone on stone, one of the forelegs came free. Each motion send sand sloughing off, only to be replaced momentarily as more sand flowed in to fill the gap. The other foreleg came free next, and with a mighty crack the odd creature lurched forward, breaking itself free of the wall. More sand flowed in to fill it out along its back, and in a few moments more the ball of sand was gone, having fully layered itself upon the pony-shaped thing in front of them. It was a unicorn mare, going by the horn and the shape of its face. Other than the odd colour and texture of its coat and the gaping black holes in place of its eyes, it could almost pass as a living creature. Felruas flinched as it turned it's head, and he nearly jumped as it noticed Luna and snapped off a salute.

"Praetorpony Marble Heart of the Annular Legion!" When the thing spoke, Felruas had been expecting a voice like dry leaves or stone grinding on stone. Instead, it had the voice of a businesslike but wholly living regular unicorn mare. He wasn't sure if that was better, or somehow worse. Disturbingly, whenever it moved its face to talk, more sand sloughed off, giving him momentary glances of the stone and ancient teeth beneath. When she smiled, it unfortunately reached her eyes, and very briefly exposed a lot more of her skull than he would have preferred. "And might I just say Ma'am, it's a pleasure to have you back. The Legion can't function properly under only one commander, even if she IS an Alicorn." Turning her head to Celestia, she gave a curt nod. "With all due respect of course. For what it's worth Ma'am, you did far better on your own than any of us expected you to. We don't blame you for what you had to do." It was only then, for the first time, that the creature seemed to notice Felruas. Its posture changed immediately, no longer standing at attention but shifting into an offensive stance with her horn levelled at the Elf. Felruas was momentarily surprised to see its horn light up, but his surprise was once more overridden by horror as he saw what the energy expenditure was doing to the thing's face. It was like a strong wind was swirling around its horn, and as it whipped past its face it pulled the sand along with it, stripping the top of its head bare and exposing the skull underneath. This effect reached just barely to its lower jaw, turning it from a disturbing creature of sand into a horrific being from a nightmare.

"Princesses, awaiting orders! Not sure what that thing is but I don't trust it!" It was hard to tell with most of her face gone, but the undead pony seemed to be snarling. "I can feel that it's not from Equus. Subdue or terminate?"

"Stand down, Praetorpony! This creature is a diplomat under Our protection. Your vigilance is duly noted." Luna spoke a bit more loudly perhaps than was strictly necessary, but it did the job. Not looking very comfortable with the order, the thing that had once been Marble Heart relaxed her posture and her magic, her face flowing back together.

"As you wish Ma'am, but I still don't trust it. There's something off about that one, alien species aside." There was an awkward moment of silence that followed, the Princesses being a little embarrased about such an accusation being levelled at their quite polite and generous company, and Felruas trying to come to grips with the fact that an undead pony of bone, stone and sand thought that there was something "off" about him. Fortunately, a demure cough from Celestia broke the quiet.

"Marble Heart, it is good to see you once again. Now that Luna has returned, the Legion may be called upon in the future if Equestria has need of it, though I hope as ever that your generous services are not required. For now, we would take our leave, and allow you to return to your rest." Marble Heart seemed to think for a moment before snapping off another crisp salute. Turning, she walked back towards the wall she had emerged from. She was about halfway there when she was blindsided by a tackle-hug from Luna.

"We are so sorry We had to leave, and it is so good to see you again! We promise, the Legion will not be forced to sleep the next time Equestria requires your aid." After a moment, Luna broke the hug, sand clinging to her fur. For an undead monstrosity with about half her bones showing, Marble Heart looked rather touched.

"I look forward to it Ma'am. We all lived to serve once, and none of us are going to let a little thing like death get in the way of our duty." Smiling, she put her back to the wall. The sand began to flow around and off her as she was shuffled back into place, an occasional popping or grinding sound as her limbs twitched like those of a marionette back into place. The whole time the sand was flowing off her, it arced through the air and back to the pile below. Celestia couldn't help but notice that Luna was a little teary eyed, and when she spoke there was a bit of a hitch in her voice.

"Just... just no genocide next time, alright? Three times is enough." Marble Heart smiled at her Princess as the sand continued to flow off of her, only her upper body and face left.

"I'll try Princess, but no promises."

And then she was gone.


Felruas had never been quite so relieved to be back outside. He was more than a little shaken to find out that the seemingly idyllic Equestria had an undead army of thousands stored beneath the city, and he was trying to ignore the fact that he was pretty sure he had gotten some of that sand in his mouth while it had been flowing off. He knew for a fact that it was in his hair and clothes, and he wondered if he would ever feel clean again. He turned to Celestia to politely enquire about where he might find a spot for a quick wash, but instead saw her staring up at the sun in seeming annoyance.

"I thought for sure the last one I put in there was at least a heavy Class L... Luna, what was that last star you found for me?" Luna seemed to be lost in thought, and she took a moment to get her head in the conversation.

"Oh, it was one of the ones I used to use for that old constellation with the horse and the human rider. Not like we have humans anymore though, so I scrapped that one..." at the mention of humans, she looked wistfully back towards the Crypt. "I think it was Bellrose Minor, why?" Celestia groaned.

"I could have sworn you had said it was Bellrose Major. No wonder the Sun has already almost burned through the whole thing. It's short notice, but do you have any other spare stars laying around? I promised Vanhoover a nice sunset tonight, but I would have a hard time working with this." Luna rolled her eyes.

"Fine sister, let's go feed the sun. Honestly, between the way you eat cakes and the way your Sun eats stars, its amazing there's any matter left in creation." Her face lit up as she had an idea. "Felruas, would you care to join us? Feeding the sun isn't something many mortals get a chance to witness up close. It's quite fascinating, especially if you can feel magic at all." Felruas just stared at her for a moment, trying to understand the concept of feeding a sun. After a minute, he nodded mutely. "Lovely! Celestia, why don't you go on ahead and see if you find one that would be a good fit. I'm not using the stars further than about five or sixs parsecs out, so anything there or further is fair game. I just need to put some spells on Felruas so that he can survive out there with us." Celestia nodded at her, and with a surge of magic so strong it made Felruas' ears pop she teleported away. Nervously, he looked at Luna.

"So, feeding the Sun? I've never heard of such a thing before." He tried to ignore the slightly uncomfortable sensation of lunar magic pouring over him.

"Oh yes, we have to keep it running somehow. Truth be told, Equus is a very, very old planet. If we didn't occasionally pop out the heavy minerals at the heart of the sun and throw some new matter in, it would have burned out ages ago!" She stuck her tongue out of the side of her mouth for a moment as she wove some particularly tricky temperature protection spells. "It's all a balancing act really, throw in too small a star and it burns through it too fast. Throw in too big a star, and we risk bumping it up from a Class G star and throwing off the colour and heat." She smiled as she finished her spells. "I remember one time when we accidentally threw another Class G star into it, and bumped it to a Class A blue star! Celestia was so embarrassed!" She laughed at the memory. "She had to move it so much further away from the planet, and for the next few hundred years it took her so much more work to raise and lower! We are pretty sure that's when she developed her little coffee dependency in the mornings." She stepped back, checking over her spells once more. "Anyway, we should be good to go. Are you ready then?" Felruas was trying to think of a way to politely get out of the situation, but he took too long. Luna mistook his silence for confirmation. "Splendid! Let us be off then!"

His ears popped when Celestia teleported. This time, it felt like they exploded.


The Elves knew to expect Felruas' return, but they didn't expect him to return in the state he was in. Gone was the calm poise and the confidence of a spider ensnaring his prey. As he stumbled out of the portal, he had a wild, frantic look in his eyes. The ends of his hair and the edges of all his clothing were gently smouldering, and the high diplomancer looked like he had been through hell and back. Immediately, attendants rushed over to help him.

"My lord, are you alright? What happened? Did the Cake work? Did the Equestrians learn of our plan?" He turned to face them, his face a mask of the terror that had slowly been mounting in him all day.

"It didn't! It can't! WE can't! They... undead... racial extermination..." frantically, he grabbed the shirt of the man closest to him. "THEY EAT STARS!" As if his entire day suddenly caught up to him, his eyes rolled back and he collapsed in a dead faint.


"Oh sister, We're so embarrassed! We were so busy chatting like a schoolfilly that We didn't do the spells right, and now he got singed and nearly suffocated and he's going to HATE UUUUUUS!" Luna cradled her face in her hooves while Celestia patted her back.

"It'll be fine Lulu, you'll see, he's a gentleman and he'll look past it. Tell you what, the Grand Galloping Gala is coming up, I'll see to inviting him, and I'll steer him your way. You wear that red dress of yours, and he won't be able to remember why he was upset in the first place!" She looked at her younger sister, concerned. After a moment of silence, she leaned against her. "And how about this: if he acts like a jerk about it, then we can just throw his planet into his sun. That sound good?" Luna was quiet again for a moment.

"Y-yeah," she sniffed. "That sounds good."

Author's Note:

This idea was spawned when I was mulling over the D&D rules for the classification of gods, and how those systems are not fully understood by the mortals within the game. As such, they could result in miscalculating the divine- for example, mistaking a pair of greater deities for a couple of demigods.

Comments ( 234 )

Unlike the sheeple, i did not enjoy this. It was poorly written and out of character.

I found this hilarious..

Looks like you forgot to end an italics marker somewhere in there, around the end of "A highly trained secret service? Unlikely, I doubt they would be revealing that even to me just yet. Think, think, think!"

Pretty funny stuff, although I'm not sure Celestia offering to commit casual genocide was worth the joke at the end. Meh. I can look past it.


Unlike the sheeple, i did not enjoy this.

Baaaa... :twilightsheepish:
I though it was a funny, silly little one-shot. Suum cuique and all that...

"Fine sister, let's go feed the sun. Honestly, between the way you eat cakes and the way your Sun eats stars, its amazing there's any matter left in creation."


...please tell me they can be killed.
I'm scared.

Don't hug me.

Well, that's two for two as far as "chapters of this that I've published and failed to close a marker" goes. First it was bold, then italics... what next, underline!?

Sorry about that. I should check my work better.


Thank you for giving me such in-depth feedback. I feel that I can incorperate what you have suggested and really grow as a writer. Most critics go so far as to actually tell you what they didn't like and what needs to be improved, but you went a step further and told me nothing, thereby sending me off on a voyage of introspection and self discovery. Tonight, I may like awake, staring at the ceiling in darkness, thinking to myself How? How can I fix it? Undefined-senpai has noticed me, but how do I earn his approval?

I forsee a journey of personal growth ahead of me, and I have only you to thank. You and your inane, not-constructive comment that I really can't do anything with.



If it wasn't going to before, it might now!


Like the description says, unrelated one-shots. In some, they are immortal greater gods. In others, they could be Wizard of Oz style charletans who really hope nobody ever looks behind the drapes of the throne room.

Comment posted by Kaelzoroden deleted Feb 23rd, 2014

3991519 Wow your so clever. Showing people how bad ass you are. And how much you dont care. By wasting to time writing that comment that I skimmed and really did noteven give a fuck about. I do not care if you improve, I just want to make you aware that you're story gave me cancer.


The thing is that it took me almost no time to write. I can type reasonably fast, after all, so it's not like I sat there mulling it over. Same goes for this.

And if all you have to say is "lol ur story sux" then I have to wonder who is actually wasting their time- the person who had a bit of fun in replying to a spam comment, or the person going out of their way to insult a stranger over the internet.

You're allowed to not like my story. I'm allowed to not care for the useless way you got that across. Magical, isn't it?

3991597 Troll harder.
3991565 I did not bother giving you constructive critisism because I know that you will not follow it okay.

Headcanon accepted (x2):

1) Equus's sun needs to be fed periodically. With other stars.

2) The living portion of the Royal Guard is nothing but training to join the Annular Legion.

I like the idea of them having to manually keep their sun burning. Changing mass would explain why they couldn't just let the planet orbit it, and if she has the power to toss the sun around anyway it would likely be easier to just poke it twice a day than periodically work through an ocean of math to calculate the perfect range and velocity for the planet to stay in orbit.

3991519 A sheeple and proud of it here. I know that this renowned critique has his own viewpoints, but I felt that the story was well done. The interactions between the characters was far more than satisfying, it left me craving more! The way you implemented your own story elements and characters, such as the Annular Legion and Felraus, was interesting, believable, and hilarious. Your descriptions of things that were of your own invention, again I refer to the Annular Legion with Marble Heart, made it crystal clear in my mind and I felt like the image in my mind was so vivid, I could have been the one who thought of them! (Though I won't claim that I did :twilightsmile: ). Overall, the only thing that could have made it better was if there was more of it, and I'm not even sure that would have been such a good idea, it worked as a one-shot. I am kinda curious to see what were to have happened should the elves had dared to stage an invasion. Keep up the good work with the story, looking forward to reading more! :yay:

Wow, thank you for the glowing review!

For what it's worth, if you do see an idea in my stories that you like, by all means go ahead and use it elsewhere. I'd just ask that you let me know where you're using it (I'm curious to see how it turns out!) but feel free to take it and run with it!

If you like the Annular Legion and are writing a story where you think they'd be a good fit, feel free to drop them in! I pictured them as basically a literal legion of the damned- They once did something so horrific that it was absolutely beyond forgiveness, but in doing so saved Equestria from destruction. They were too heroic and effective to be condemned and struck from the history books, but too monstrous to be rewarded, and so they were entombed where they could be called upon if Equestria ever again did need them. They are something of a last-resort weapon due to the horrors they inflict, but they have so far stopped any threat they have been set against.

If you feel like writing that story, by all means go for it! I could always help with the dialogue and such if that's a problem.

She's not a tyrant, that was just the behavior she needed to succeed in, as Luna put it, "The Bad Old Days". The same core elements of her personality remain- a fierce desire to protect her Ponies, an inclination towards justice, and fundamentally the desire to be a good Pony. She saw true evil, and she has never wanted to be that. Your assessment of "War Leader" is actually pretty accurate, she wasn't some wandering barbarian queen (though I would read the heck out of that story), she simply wanted to lead her Ponies to safety and prosperity.

Back then, that required heavy armour and a heavier hammer.

3991763 Thank you for the clarification, I might just use them in a story one of these days (or better yet center a story around them!) Right now though I'm kinda working on getting another story off the ground, though I am fond of the Annular Legion and really want to see them used more, so I'll write it... eventually. :twilightsheepish:

3991763 To clarify: No. I haven't read the story yet.

For what it's worth, if you do see an idea in my stories that you like, by all means go ahead and use it elsewhere. I'd just ask that you let me know where you're using it (I'm curious to see how it turns out!) but feel free to take it and run with it!

:pinkiesmile: It is good to know I'm not the only author that enjoys seeing what others can do with ideas we make. I myself made a short romance, sad story that I couldn't take anywhere but have given another author permission to use it as a base for theirs and expand on the concepts where I couldn't.

I was looking at the featured box yesterday, and I happened to glance at the new stories box. Usually, I don't bother, as 90% of it isn't worth my time, but on a whim I clicked on this story back when it had 7 likes. So I read it and I liked it. I'm glad that it seems to have garnered praise from others too. Congratulations on reaching the featured box! :twilightsmile:

And by "yesterday" I mean at about 1:00 in the morning today. :P

Two amusing chapters. Stories like this on occasion are very entertaining, since there are always the unanswered questions about just how Equestria came to become the land of peace and tolerance it is generally considered as. The imagination tends to wander about subtle terrors and unbelievable excessive forced used to create such a world, by two very long living and potentially powerful characters. An adorably dark twist of sorts you could say.

I'm sure people could point out more technical aspects of your writing that needs refinement, but I'm not that person to offer such advice.

I am amused. Both chapters were respectively funny in a subtle way.

EDIT: And of course it would be elves plotting treachery. Elitist, narcissistic, and xenophobic creatures.

I had words for the first chapter, but the second...

Do I still exist? Did I seriously just read something that good despite being so different from any expectations I had?

This is more disorienting than Dragon's Wild turned out to be... Kudos!


Not like we have humans anymore though, so I scrapped that one..." at the mention of humans, she looked wistfully back towards the Crypt.

Did the Legion genocide the humans of Equus? :twilightoops:

.... Why do I get the feeling I'm looking at a Celestia's plot picture?

It's possible, I don't actually remember what the original form of this image was.

3992799 "Hey look! Its Celestia's massive ERECTION!"

Well, I just looked up where the image was cropped from. You're not correct, but it's a bit saucier than I'd like...

I'm probably going to be changing it once I find another headshot of Celestia that I like. For now, I'm not linking to the full picture, so I'm gonna call it okay.

3992868 Did it show Celestia's massive erection?

And the face shot isn't bad, its really quite pretty.

There's no erection involved.

Just a copious amount of sunbutt.

3992880 ...But.... Yoda demands it.


Odd, I never pictured Yoda as a "massive equine fem-dong" enthusiast.

3992910 Nah, I just remembered a video where someone did the Yoda voice and went "Mmm, erection."

I'm weird leave me alone.

One twist I kept expecting to see was for Discord to show up, with Felruas' god-senses immediately informing him that this was an elder god of chaos incarnate, and then have him act all polite and deferential to Celestia before going off to have some tea with Fluttershy. "Oh yes, he's learning quite well, isn't he?" Celestia would quip. "Imagine! Only a matter of a few years ago he was attempting to conquer the world!"

But I suppose casually shoving stars into your pet sun's gullet is about as impressive. :trollestia:

Sorry about that! If there were any parts that you found hard to understand, let me know and I'd be happy to explain them. It was an adventure writing like that, I imagine it could be a bit of an adventure to try and read as well.

I suppose I can be behind this. As a silly one-shot.

If it's indicative of your actual thoughts of the Princesses, well ... so long as it doesn't leach into the rest of these I can ignore it. I never, ever liked Celestia-as-humanity-killer. Not to mention I try to stay a bit away from Princess-as-Elder-God and the like. They never end well because - well, writers are mortal and trying to define an ageless thing is hard enough, writing them as somehow true Gods tends to be outside the skill of most. I've always preferred the idea of 'ageless, powerful pony' rather than 'immortal Elder God.'

It's only one interpretation. Is it the one I intend to run with and use as my main interpretation of them in the future? No. Weakness is more interesting than strength. The Annular Legion might see some use in the future, but the only time I'll be using Greater Deity Celestia and Luna is in silly one-shots, because in silly one-shots that absurd level of power can be fairly funny.

Also, for what it's worth, Celestia didn't kill humanity. The Annular Legion thought it was a threat to Equestria, and that genie is quite difficult to force back into the bottle while there is still work to be done.

Truth be told, I think of the Princesses as something like ascended mortals that have reached the level of lesser deity. They don't consider themselves to be gods, since that would imply that they were somehow better than their Ponies. They could in theory be killed, though it would take quite some effort, and though powerful their greatest strength is restricted to the narrow scope of things they focus on. Sure, Celestia has god-level fire magic, but she prioritizes the safety and prosperity of her Ponies. She's not a warrior, and it is likely that she would only use her combat spells to protect those she cared about.

On a side note, my headcanon reason for why Chrysalis was able to beat her was that if Celestia had channeled enough of the Sun's might, she would have risked igniting the atmosphere. She would sooner accept personal defeat and trust her Ponies to pull through rather than risk the lives of every mortal on the planet.

For what it's worth, the next short I'm working on really doesn't put any focus on any of the Princesses' abilities other than their longevity. No eating stars or laughing in the face of murder attempts, I promise :P

You think of Celly as more powerful than I do and therein lies some of my hesitation outlined above. I've always thought of Celestia as an 'ageless' (she doesn't age) and powerful pony whose talent and main focus is the movement of the sun and nothing more. She knows other spells as any several thousand yer old magic user would but she has no specific talent for any destructive magic - be it fire or light or any of that. Anything she would be able to do with aggressive spells would be something another unicorn could do - and possibly better. Just as Luna's talent is only the movement of the moon and not shadows or death magic or necromancy or any of the other common attributes the fandom likes to stick on them to make these two more powerful in their eyes. The Princesses just have a great deal of magical 'reserves' if you will that they can draw on. And thyey can be outclassed there if the opponent has a larger reserve.

Equestria is a peaceful and prosperous principality not because these two demi-gods rule it but through their skill in diplomacy and their wisdom through age. Otherwise, it's just a glorified 'rule through might' and really, that never ends well. At best, it's 'enlightened despotism' and we've all read the at worst.

At least, that's my head canon. And my head canon on the Chryssy fight is, well, Chryssy had a larger reserve to draw on at that particular moment.

That said, I am very happy to know that God-level Celly and Lulu are the exception rather than the rule to you. But do note that things have many layers. When I read that about humanity and genocide, the only thing I could think of is some mother desperately trying to push away some undead thing as she tried to hide her children in a wardrobe. And it was not a pleasant image.

It SHOULD be an unpleasant image. As Luna said, the Legion are the worst war-criminals of Equestria's history, and there was a reason why Celestia bricked up the crypt. Celestia considers the Legion to be an absolute last resort weapon, to be used only if the alternative is the total ruination of Equestria. I haven't written the story of what happened to the humans in that continuity, but whatever they were doing must have been pretty horrific by itself to force the Legion to be unleashed.

Also, don't worry- that specific mental image wouldn't have happened, the Legion is rarely that up front. More likely they would have terrified the mother and child into trying to hide in the closet, and just when they think that they might be safe, she notices that the floor is covered with sand, and something is moving in the closet behind them...

As for the general power levels of the Princesses, I suppose we just have different preferences to that end. And that's okay :D

Yo, you need an actual description for this.

Not sure how I'd go about doing that, when it's just a bunch of one shots that would each require their own description.

Okay then~! Congrats for the feature either way; it's been in the number 1 spot for quite sometime.

...Please excuse me whilst I twitch erratically for a moment.

I knew it was featured, but last I checked it was like halfway down. Top? What? I CAN'T HANDLE THIS.

This is awesome. I love what you're doing. I look forward to reading more of these!:pinkiehappy:

I really liked this story and the idea of it. Please write more.

Gotta say, in chapter 2, I expected it to turn out that Luna had figured out the charade and was toying with the diplomat the whole way through. I suppose it's still possible though, even with that ending.

Well aren't you special. Good for you.

You should really rewrite the "summary". It is supposed to be a small excerpt of the story, or give a general outline of what to expect. It looks more like you put in a blog-post instead.

It really doesn't matter what you normally write or why you wrote it, or that it got featured, it shouldn't be in the story's summary. :applejackunsure:

That's valid. My current plan is, once I get the next chapter out, to replace the current uninformative block of text with little one-line teasers for each story.

EDIT: Screw it why wait

Comment posted by Kaelzoroden deleted Feb 24th, 2014
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