You were just a guy in college when a spell wiped your memories and pulled you to Equestria. Now pastel ponies that you feel you know from somewhere expect you to be a hero.
A second person HiE fic!
Art by =ponyKillerX on Deviant Art, used without permission. Will be taken down at the artist's request.
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The main character should be a lot more angry, even though his home life probably wasn't all that great, the logical reaction would be to choose the familiar over the unfamiliar. This story is in grave danger of being infected with the Barney and Friends Syndrome, where the main character just accepts what happens to him without much resistance even though the normal reaction would be otherwise. We can already see this manifesting in his lack of anger from being ripped from his home world, and the pain of the translation spell, along with the hurried acceptance of a strange creature summoning him.
Alrighty, I appreciate the feedback. I figured having amnesia and seeing a rather unflattering view of where he was from would be some justification for that, but that could just be me.
The idea is more or less that the character (you, as it's a second person story) watched MLP and was a brony back on Earth, but now can't remember that along with the rest of their life. As such, the ponies seem really familiar to him as well.
Second person HiE, eh?
Eyyynope.
2571372
The problem is that this premise has been done..... a lot, so I was trying to offer a fresher perspective. Perhaps you can have a scene where something which makes him angry triggers the anger, sadness and the negative emotions he felt from home and brings back a flood of his memories. Maybe Pinkie Pie bouncing around him and only asking nonstop questions could make him remember someone from the past who was very overbearing. Or perhaps when Rainbow Dash sees him walking with Twilight, she automatically assumes the worse and rushes over, pushing him to the ground and getting up in his face, recalling memories of how he used to be constantly bullied when he was back on Earth, causing him to run away, then hearing Rainbow gloating how she scared the monster away.
You should also make your chapters at least 2000 words long, to be able to better describe the imagery, the scenes, the emotions of the characters.
2574309
I guess I've just got a perpetual fear of winding up writing one of the incredibly long-winded stories that I dislike so much.
Also I suffer from not having anyone to preread my work other than myself :s
2574727 lol why do you hate long stories? If you want, I could be a prereader for you.
2574749
Not long stories, long winded stories. I have some fics I'm reading that have cleared 400k words and are still going, so don't misunderstand and think I don't like lengthy stories! I just get annoyed when people use a page to say what could be effectively said in a paragraph, without managing to add anything meaningful in all the additional space. Add to that the fact that I might be a bit too harsh on myself as to what counts as 'long winded' and...
well, you wind up with short chapters.
Also, gonna be honest, just getting back into writing. Haven't really touched it in months, still gotta shrug the rust off! If you're interested in prereading, I'll gladly throw future instalments your way first before publishing them on here.
2574793 Ah I get ya. Have you read Diaries of a Madman, over 1 million words and still going strong! Actually it would work out better that way if you take your time getting back into the groove of things, since my exams run until the 20th of this month, so I would be limited in time until then.
2574842
That's fine dude, I finished college a month or two ago so I finally have time to get back into this stuff. I'm also gonna try to start up my other story on here, My Little Black Ops. If you're interested in where that one's going, I wouldn't mind shooting you the beta chapters for that too.
2574960 Yep, two more exams and I'll be finished with university. I don't think that other one would interest me as much, never been a big fan of Black Ops, or crossovers fics for that matter.
2574980
I wonder how many potential readers I've lost who made that exact same assumption...
It's not a crossover, and I've never even played any of the black ops games. It's about the Crusaders finding that they have strange and somewhat dangerous special talents, and getting shipped off to "The Royal Academy for Special Talents of Interest to the Crown", and basically trained to be deniable secret agents.
So Black Ops as in the correct usage of the term, not as a reference. I toyed with calling it My Little Secret Service, but it didn't have the same ring.
2575005 I've never played the games either, but like I said, I generally avoid any crossover fics since I wouldn't understand most of the references made in them. Although to be honest, that premise sounds outlandish to me, just can't wrap my head around the CMC being agents lol!
2575021
Well, like I said, it's not a crossover. It's all strictly within the setting, though I may well do some worldbuilding, especially with what I intend to have Sweetie Belle doing.
Anyway, if you're not interested, that's fair. If you give it a skim and decide that you'd be into prereading that too though, lemme know.
2575030 No problem, although I would advise you to try and focus on one story at a time.
That ending.
Bravo, humorous and well written.
Is this story still alive?
2783787
It is, but it's taken a back burner position to a few other leading issues in my life, in order:
1) Moving from one end of the second largest country by landmass to the other
2) Securing my dream job at said other end
3) The other story I have in the works that is substantially better planned out than this one
If you like the idea of space travel but find it just doesn't have enough pony for you, you might enjoy the story I currently have brewing. First chapter is written, I'm just trying to get a bit of a buffer on this one before I start in on it. Like any truly terrifying computer virus, I learn from my mistakes.
I adapt.
I like this story!
Though, he felt it. He could have resisted. Human will (infinite) vs. Twilight's will (certainly not infinite). Sure his brain may explode from it, but most people would say "so?" to such a warning.
4228947
Not sure why you'd assume that human will is infinite, or that feeling it would let you do anything about it. Humans can have strong wills, humans can have weak wills. Human wills have been being broken for thousands of years, either by poor fortune or other humans. It happens.
Also, in this continuity humans completely lack the tools to interact with magic- Even if he can feel the effects, he has absolutely zero capability to make it respond to him. It wouldn't have even hurt him to try to resist, but it would have been about as successful as staring really hard at a door and willing it to open by itself.