[A lot of you think DT needs more depth, and I agree she is pretty underdeveloped, but as the chapters are added, layers will be pulled back. I promise! Thank you!]
After the death of her father, Diamond Tiara is adopted by the family of her worst enemy, Apple Bloom. Little did she know, all this time she spent fighting with her, she was actually jealous, of her. For the first time, Diamond Tiara understands what it is like to be loved and accepted by her own family.
[Edit: Categories fixed]
Chapters (3)
FWIW, the Tragedy tag means that the story IS a Tragedy, not that it contains one. Like Shakespeare's tragedies.
Also, the "Tragedy" wasn't very tragic at all. Everything was so, "eh, that happened".
3693689
Oh, I see, sorry, I'll see what I can do. I'm so stupid sometimes.
really don't know hiw to feel about this one.
It feels a bit rushed for the most part, and there are a few noticable grammatical mistakes...
though, I think my biggest probkem is how nonchalant they are being about the whole thing; just doesn't sit right with me =/
interesting, i'd like to see where you go with this
This could actually be pretty interesting, but it's sort of rushed. Diamond Tiara, I KNOW she's heartless, but doesn't she feel a little upset her father's died? o___o
the rushed feel could because of it being the first chapter, so I shall wait and see
Intresting concept, rushed execution. I'd recomend slowing down a bit, try to really get into the characters heads and feelings. I'm mean the last thing DT ever said to her father was 'I hate you!' Now he's dead. I'm no shrink, but that's gotta be tough for a child to deal with.
the idea is sound and really interesting but it's rush, lack detail. and a hole reason the fire starts. it lacks depth. i say have someone help you
I love the story very much, but there are some little things in there. I could edit for you if you want me to
This certainly a good potential for a plot. The concept is what drew me in.
All in all however, I do hope to see a good story from this. It definitely has potential if you slow down and weave it together right.
I'll be putting this on my read later to follow it.
I'm seeing problems with the delivery though. After about the 6th paragraph the pacing seemed to speed up unnecessarily. Certain things, like the grim mood of the hospital and her mood about the apples adopting her, seem to be glazed over and quickly stated. I understand she wouldn't have many feelings for her father and she wouldn't be upset about that. But every thing else is just begging to be explained/emphasized a bit more.
This chapter feels more like an outline for the intro than a proper intro itself. If i were to give a suggestion, try to take the current concepts you have here and expand on them slightly. break up some dialog with reactions, emotions, expressions ect. (I like to re-read my chapters with reader 'goggles' to keep my pacing in good flow, not a perfect trick but helps.)
I'd make a suggestion to aim for... 1,700 to 2,000 words with your current concepts for this chapter. That might be appropriate, but that's just a guess.
To save comment space I'll just say I completely agree with 3694471, and I have added this little fic to my own reading list. The concept has potential but needs some fleshing out.
Please make another chapter today.
I think this is going to turn out really good! Keep it up! (also add a bit of rarity somewhere in there)
I'm already loving it.
I want to like this, I really do. But you are moving too fast.
The main problem I see is Tiara's reaction; you don't just decide you didn't like your father, anyway. There are no motivations. Heck, with the right explanation, Tiara can even be excused for celebrating her dad's death. So, either you need to establish the destroyed relationship a bit more, or else you need to have her get a thorough breakdown as soon as she realizes that her father is gone, and that there will be no second chances. The second option saves you rewriting the whole first chapter; the first could make your story exceptional - if you are able to pull it off.
I am curious as to your reaction, and eager to read more of this story.
great story so far
nice Idea. you need to work on your pacing a little, though.
3694996
You hit the nail on the head. Author, this is the way to do it
I'm sorry. I've got to echo the other folks in the comments. The set-up is rushed - it's like reading story notes, or an outline with "placeholder" dialogue.
DT's characterization is badly flat - even if she and Filthy had a relationship as bad as you describe, she wouldn't simply brush off the fact that she's spent her whole life with him; there's going to be some turmoil. I could see her displaying a flat affect, were that the case, but there'd be something under the surface, ready to erupt. (For that matter, why would they have such a bad relationship? You need to establish that in the set-up, rather than just a short confrontation of, "You flunked, so you're grounded...")
Shame, really - it's a great story concept. I would suggest several scenes with DT and Filthy establishing that there's no love there, and why (maybe something to do with why we don't see DT's mom?...), and, perhaps have her wake up during the fire, perhaps while being rescued (with a core point that it was somepony else who got DT out, while Filthy got himself killed trying to save his possessions, maybe?)... You might try a rewrite with a couple of thousand words worth of prologue establishing the bad relationship, and use this as an outline to flesh out your first actual chapter.
As I said, it's a great concept. Just, please, work on the execution, and you just might make it into something excellent.
Not a bad concept, but the pacing is rushed
. I'd like to see where this is going. Keep writting!!!
3694471
To clarify when you said this:
[A lot of you think DT needs more depth, and I agree she is pretty underdeveloped, but as the chapters are added, layers will be pulled back. I promise! Thank you!]
I'm not saying that you need to 'pull back layers' in this chapter (unless you mean everypony is being bland and nearly emotionless on purpose). Just flush out the mood a bit more. It almost seems like a robot blankly reading a telegram vs a hospital seen. (though I can understand it being tricky, having wrote a hospital seen myself. I understand how difficult it is to properly convey the feelings of the characters, it can be chaotic and difficult to explain in description).
That said: I'll let the artist do their stuff.
I'll agree with the other comments; this is WAY too fast-paced.
it feels kind of rushed
i like it and Fluffy The Dragon when will more chapters for this story come out
3701691 hopefully sometime tomorrow.
3702097 ok
Will check back later to see what has happened. Most complaints have already been stated but will recap.
Dt character flat
Daddy is dead and I have lost everything I owned, oh well. [ could be shock ]
Adopted before she even wakes up ??????
second chapter
Applebloom has humiliated HER ??
listen to the comments especially to the ones who offer to help, there are a lot of talented writers on this site. Good luck the story has promise.
3702676 well, haters gonna hate.
THe chapter is too short, and characters ooc. faving to see if it progresses any better but right now meh. Also double space please...like this
"Wow," Diamond Tiara murmured. "Thanks, Apple Bloom for thinking of this." She said.
Apple Bloom was stunned, "Was that sarcastic?" She asked, but there was no reply. Diamond had already sat herself before the fire with the rest of the family.
I think it should be better if you title it Apple Tiara instead. Diamond Tiara Apple is a little too much. Hope it helped!
(<That's a trying-to-hypnotize-ponies-with-your-innocent-smile smile.)
"She groaned at the pain her burns left every time they brushed against something." - spend at least a paragraph describing that. What did she brush against? Which burns? What happened when she groaned? Was it an exasperated groan or more of a moan? Was she being melodramatic? etc.
3702757 He's not hating. It's constructive criticism. We're all trying to help each other. Mostly.
3702757 Hey now, no need to be snarky. We're all just trying to help you since you seem inexperienced. Your story idea is great, and we want you to make a great story out of it, that's all.
Current chapter problems include:
1.) Wall of text. Double spaces (as 3703470 already pointed out) make it more readable.
2.) Grammar and spelling. There are still quite a few mistakes, oversights and even confused words. Maybe ask somebody (more than one person, if possible) to beta for you.
3.) If you make random comments, put them in parentheses. For example,
sounds better than
4.) Diamond Tiara is still too pretty darn two-dimensional. As is Apple Bloom. You might have them pretty much fleshed out in your mind, but we can only see what you write down. If you add more exposition, that could easily be remedied.
Hope that helps.
Actually, to come to the author's defence (partly): I have seen improvement already from the last chapter, even if there is still plenty of room to improve on.
The pacing... still stank, but some of the DT character was flushed out, a bit. Still pretty flat but not quite as much. some odd and end grammatical errors but I'd be a hypocrite to say i don't do the same.
one thing that is still constant is that it feels as if you are doing only a rough draft and MAYBE a quick edit
. don't be afraid to go through several versions. maybe take a break and come back to re work it, or work a few chapters ahead before releasing a chapter. I did that when I started out on my 'a compass for a lost dreamer' story.
Though I'll admit the chapters on that one are pretty long... 
3702757 wow its less flat than the last chapter, and needs a bit of work, but ball in all, pretty good so far. I'm looking forward to seeing how this developed.
I quite like the start, but I think it needs just a little more feeling and a little more depth. I'm sure that with those two things, it'll enhance the story's plot and structure a lot more
keep up the good work! 
I agree, I live the build up of why diamond picks on AB and the CMC, however, I have trouble shalowing Diamond seeming so nice and aceppting of everything and, just more to get me more, invested.
You dove into everything. You should've waited until chapter 2 to even get to the parts about the apple family.
For me its a bit... nah.. Its extremely rushed and the pacing is dead as a rock. I am bemused
Also spacing. Needs some work on spacing.
I like the premise and setting though... just.. fix everything else.
i love it and when will the next chapter for this story come out
This is a superdeeduper cool story.
Following.
Can I give feedback? Just a little?
There are number of grammatical errors and the format is a little funny.
But I cannot wait to see what happens next!
Wait, if the chewed gum was in her sandwich, had did it get in her hair?
That is all.
3762694 Exactly, also. Common is to say that it is a usual thing, I think you mean Come on, or some characters say Cmon.
3765375 I'm sorry, what?
3762694 Well...
Doesn't your hair get in you're face when you eat? Mine does.
3765916 Fluffy the Dragon said in the story,
It's either Come on, or Cmon.
3769093 No, that would be Fluffy The Dragon, not me
3769964 Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
There is nothing there.
(Thank you, at first I thought the purple was on you.)
to quote myself from before:
......