Diamond Tiara Apple

by Fluffy The Dragon

Chapter 2

"Well miss Tiara, seems you're ready to leave, you're family is waiting for you downstairs." The doctor told her from outside the doorway of her hospital room.
Diamond Tiara sheepishly lifted herself out of her bed. She groaned at the pain her burns left every time they brushed against something. When she got downstairs, she saw Apple Bloom, her Grandma from Family Appreciation Day, her sister- Apple Jack, was it? And a buff reddish stallion.
"Howdy, Diamond. Sorry bout' what happened with yer dad..." Apple Jack said awkwardly.
Diamond Tiara frowned a little bit, "It's okay, it isn't your fault."
Apple Bloom was to nervous to say anything, so instead she just smiled, in a sympathetic way. Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. She didn't want to start being friendly to Apple Bloom now, even if she is her sister, Apple Bloom had humiliated her time after time. They where enemies, and Diamond Tiara didn't see that changing anytime soon.
The walk to Sweet-Apple-Acres was mostly just Diamond answering questions like 'whats your favorite food?'. It was basically silent between the two fillies though.
"Ah here we are. Welcome to Sweet-Apple-Acres, home-sweet-home!" Apple Jack smiled.
"Eeyup." The stallion, who Diamond Tiara now learned was named Big Mac.
Apple Jack took her inside and showed her the 'grand tour'. "Ya'll be sharin' a room with Apple Bloom."
"What? Why?" Diamond asked, desperate for another room.
"Look, ah know ya two don' get along, but yer gonna have ta deal with it, yer living under the same roof an' ya can't keep fighting with eachother. So unless ya wanna sleep with Granny Smith ah recommend ya learn ta get along." Apple Jack left Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara in the room together, hoping they'll make progress.
It was quiet, Diamond was thinking about what Apple Jack had said, 'it is true...'
"Diamond, why are ya so mean to me?" Apple Bloom asked the pink filly, which broke the silence.
Diamond Tiara look at her for a moment before answering, "Because you don't have a cutie mark." She said. She knew she was lying to both Apple Bloom and herself. 'When are you just going to admit it, that isn't why, you idiot.' Her conscience seemed to tell her.
"Oh." Apple Bloom sighed looking at her flank.
'Smooth, Diamond. Wow you're heartless.' Diamond's conscience said.
Diamond Tiara knew it was right, but how could she just be nice to Apple Bloom? That would be so out of character. She looked back at Apple Bloom, a little bit guilty. It was quiet.
At least 20 minutes past until Granny Smith shouted from downstairs "Dinner!" Apple Bloom and Diamond walked downstairs together to meet the rest of the family. Diamond Tiara wasn't surprised, it was apples.
"Thanks, Granny Smith, it looks good." Diamond lied. 'Whats so good about plain apples?' is what she wanted to say but she just kept her mouth shut.
"Ah agree." Apple Jack smiled.
"Eyup."
After dinner was over and everypony was cleaning up, you'd be surprised how much of a mess apples could make, Apple Bloom told everypony she thought it would be a good idea to have a bonfire. "Ah think it'll make Diamond feel more welcome. It's her first night, let's make it special." Apple Bloom said. The others nodded in agreement.
'Wow, why is she suddenly being so nice to me?' Diamond Tiara thought. "It sounds like it wouldn't be a terrible idea." She said.
"Alright, everypony finish up, me an' Mac 'll start up a fire pit outside." Apple Jack said.
Granny Smith put the last dish in the sink, and the three of them trotted outside, to see a beautiful fire, light up the darkened sky.
"Wow," Diamond Tiara murmured. "Thanks, Apple Bloom for thinking of this." She said.
Apple Bloom was stunned, "Was that sarcastic?" She asked, but there was no reply. Diamond had already sat herself before the fire with the rest of the family.

...

"We're a apples together, apples forever, family and so much mo-ore! No matter what comes, we will face the weather, we're apples to the core!" Everypony but Diamond Tiara sang.
"Well, ah donno bout' y'all but ah'm ready ta hit the hay. Ya and Apple Bloom should, as well, ya got school tamorrow." Applejack told the fillies.
'Oh crap I totally forgot!' "Okay, we'll go to sleep, now." Diamond Tiara said.
"Sounds good ta me." Big Mac nodded, ironically, besides singing, this was the first thing Diamond Tiara heard him say besides 'Eyup' or 'Enope'. She was starting to think he didn't know English.
"Okay goodnight." Apple Bloom told Granny Smith and Mac, before she and Diamond went inside.

Comments

[Bronzedragon]

Will check back later to see what has happened. Most complaints have already been stated but will recap.

Dt character flat

Daddy is dead and I have lost everything I owned, oh well. [ could be shock ]

Adopted before she even wakes up ??????

second chapter
Applebloom has humiliated HER ??

listen to the comments especially to the ones who offer to help, there are a lot of talented writers on this site. Good luck the story has promise.

[Fluffy The Dragon]

3702676 well, haters gonna hate.

[Professor Donger]

THe chapter is too short, and characters ooc. faving to see if it progresses any better but right now meh. Also double space please...like this

"Wow," Diamond Tiara murmured. "Thanks, Apple Bloom for thinking of this." She said.

Apple Bloom was stunned, "Was that sarcastic?" She asked, but there was no reply. Diamond had already sat herself before the fire with the rest of the family.

[Miss_Rarity]

I think it should be better if you title it Apple Tiara instead. Diamond Tiara Apple is a little too much. Hope it helped! (<That's a trying-to-hypnotize-ponies-with-your-innocent-smile smile.)

[ferret]

"She groaned at the pain her burns left every time they brushed against something." - spend at least a paragraph describing that. What did she brush against? Which burns? What happened when she groaned? Was it an exasperated groan or more of a moan? Was she being melodramatic? etc.

[diamondsparkle]

3702757 He's not hating. It's constructive criticism. We're all trying to help each other. Mostly.

[Ranma-sensei]

3702757 Hey now, no need to be snarky. We're all just trying to help you since you seem inexperienced. Your story idea is great, and we want you to make a great story out of it, that's all.

Current chapter problems include:
1.) Wall of text. Double spaces (as 3703470 already pointed out) make it more readable.

2.) Grammar and spelling. There are still quite a few mistakes, oversights and even confused words. Maybe ask somebody (more than one person, if possible) to beta for you.

3.) If you make random comments, put them in parentheses. For example,

After dinner was over and everypony was cleaning up (you'd be surprised how much of a mess apples could make), Apple Bloom told everypony she thought it would be a good idea to have a bonfire.

sounds better than

After dinner was over and everypony was cleaning up, you'd be surprised how much of a mess apples could make, Apple Bloom told everypony she thought it would be a good idea to have a bonfire.

4.) Diamond Tiara is still too pretty darn two-dimensional. As is Apple Bloom. You might have them pretty much fleshed out in your mind, but we can only see what you write down. If you add more exposition, that could easily be remedied.

Hope that helps.

[reflective vagrant]

Actually, to come to the author's defence (partly): I have seen improvement already from the last chapter, even if there is still plenty of room to improve on.

The pacing... still stank, but some of the DT character was flushed out, a bit. Still pretty flat but not quite as much. some odd and end grammatical errors but I'd be a hypocrite to say i don't do the same.

one thing that is still constant is that it feels as if you are doing only a rough draft and MAYBE a quick edit. don't be afraid to go through several versions. maybe take a break and come back to re work it, or work a few chapters ahead before releasing a chapter. I did that when I started out on my 'a compass for a lost dreamer' story. Though I'll admit the chapters on that one are pretty long...

[Slendermare]

3702757 wow its less flat than the last chapter, and needs a bit of work, but ball in all, pretty good so far. I'm looking forward to seeing how this developed.

[Nineveh]

I quite like the start, but I think it needs just a little more feeling and a little more depth. I'm sure that with those two things, it'll enhance the story's plot and structure a lot more keep up the good work!

[TheOneAJ]

I agree, I live the build up of why diamond picks on AB and the CMC, however, I have trouble shalowing Diamond seeming so nice and aceppting of everything and, just more to get me more, invested.

[dream1990]

i love it and when will the next chapter for this story come out

[StageQuill]

This is a superdeeduper cool story.
Following.

Can I give feedback? Just a little?

There are number of grammatical errors and the format is a little funny.

But I cannot wait to see what happens next!