Chapter 1
It was an average afternoon in Ponyville. School had just let out and Diamond Tiara, and Silver Spoon walked home together, like they did every other day. "So, did you hear the gossip, spreading around: that new kid, Button-whatsit, had a thing for Sweetie Belle? I mean, I think they'd make a great couple, honestly, they're both blank-flank losers." Diamond Tiara snickered.
"What, really? Button's such a little dork, always playing those nerdy games, I'd totally hate to be Sweetie Belle, not that I'd even want to in the first place." Silver Spoon laughed along.
"I know right? So anyways are you going to be attending the dance?"
"You mean the big winter dance next month? Of coarse I am! I already picked out a dress and everything!" Silver smiled. "What about you?" She asked.
"Oh yeah, I haven't asked my dad yet, but no doubt I'm going."
The girls stopped chatting, and bumped their flanks as a way of saying goodbye to one another when they reached Diamond Tiara's house. She trotted inside, only to see her father standing in front of her. She new by the look on his face, he wasn't in a good mood, and knew he was going to take it out on her.
"Hello Daddy, you're home early." She gave him a false smile.
"Guess what came in the mail today? You're report card, and it isn't good." He threw a slip of paper on the floor in front of his daughter. She gave the card a peek, only to see she was failing poorly. She honestly couldn't care less about how she did in her classes, but her father, she was worried about.
"I-I-"
"Save it," He interrupted her, "This is your 2nd failure in a row. You know what this means. You're grounded for a month."
Diamond Tiara's face turned red and tears came out, "No that's not fair, the dance is in a month! Silver Spoon is going, I have to go!"
"No. I won't let you go." Her father yelled down to her.
The filly looked up at her dad, with watery eyes, "I hate you!" She yelled, proceeding to run to her room and slam her door shut.
Diamond Tiara stomped into her room, heading straight to her bed. She dragged her hoof across her dresser, knocking over pictures, pageant crowns, and other knick-knacks, before jumping into bed. She buried herself under her blankets and cried herself to sleep.
~ ~ ~
"Tell me she'll be okay!" A familiar voice cried out.
"Well, I can't say for sure..."
"I need to know!"
"I think she's waking up now!"
Diamond Tiara opened her eyes, to find herself laying on a hospital bed. She saw her best friend, and who seemed to be a doctor, or nurse maybe? The room was hazy, and she had burns all over her. "Silver, is that you?" She coughed, "W-what happened?"
The nurse trotted closer to her, "There was a fire and your home burned down, we were lucky to save you..."
Her eyes widened, "Is my daddy okay?" Diamond Tiara coughed one more.
The nurse shook her head, "I'm afraid, not." She frowned and hoped the filly knew what she meant.
"Oh." Diamond Tiara's eyes began to swell up with tears.
"Hey, cheer up. Look I'm no good at this 'moral support' thing but, he's in a better place... I think?" Silver Spoon attempted, but failed.
"It's okay-" She sighed "-I mean, he didn't love me anyways. Well at least not as much as he loved his money, his name was Filthy Rich. He didn't go to my pageants, or school talent shows, he didn't even hang my school art on the fridge. All he put on there was his stuff."
"Then I guess you'll be glad to know a good family is adopting you. The adoption center was able to find you a family."
"Who is it?" She asked a bit happier.
"The Apple family."
Both Silver and Diamond Tiara's jaws dropped. 'How could this be? Anyone but her! Why me, why Apple Bloom! Why does she have to be my sister?!' Diamond Tiara thought to herself
"Um, dear is everything okay?" The nurse asked the two.
"Oh, yes. Of coarse, couldn't be better." Diamond Tiara lied.
The nurse looked at her confused, "uh, oh alrighty than. I should go check with the doctor, maybe you can meet your new family sooner."
After the door shut Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. "Oh great, my life sucks. First this fire, and now I'm sisters with my worst enemy, Apple Bloom? I wasn't meant to be raised on a farm!" She complained.
"Ugh, tell me about it, I am totally sorry for you right now."
Diamond Tiara growled, "You should be! Ah' ma'ght a' well start talkin' la'ke this!"
Silver Spoon laughed at her. "I was serious!" Diamond Tiara tried to get up so she can slap her, but her burns stung too much for her to move. When she pushed herself up, she ended up falling back when she recoiled from the pain.
"Ppppffft..!" Silver burst out laughing.
Diamond Tiara's face turned a brighter pink"It isn't funny!"
Silver Spoon didn't stop laughing, "Yeah, it is!"
"Get away!" Diamond Tiara yelled.
Silver Spoon walked out of the room laughing, leaving the pink filly alone.
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FWIW, the Tragedy tag means that the story IS a Tragedy, not that it contains one. Like Shakespeare's tragedies.
Also, the "Tragedy" wasn't very tragic at all. Everything was so, "eh, that happened".
3693689
Oh, I see, sorry, I'll see what I can do. I'm so stupid sometimes.
really don't know hiw to feel about this one.
It feels a bit rushed for the most part, and there are a few noticable grammatical mistakes...
though, I think my biggest probkem is how nonchalant they are being about the whole thing; just doesn't sit right with me =/
interesting, i'd like to see where you go with this
This could actually be pretty interesting, but it's sort of rushed. Diamond Tiara, I KNOW she's heartless, but doesn't she feel a little upset her father's died? o___o
the rushed feel could because of it being the first chapter, so I shall wait and see
Intresting concept, rushed execution. I'd recomend slowing down a bit, try to really get into the characters heads and feelings. I'm mean the last thing DT ever said to her father was 'I hate you!' Now he's dead. I'm no shrink, but that's gotta be tough for a child to deal with.
the idea is sound and really interesting but it's rush, lack detail. and a hole reason the fire starts. it lacks depth. i say have someone help you
I love the story very much, but there are some little things in there. I could edit for you if you want me to
This certainly a good potential for a plot. The concept is what drew me in.
All in all however, I do hope to see a good story from this. It definitely has potential if you slow down and weave it together right.
I'll be putting this on my read later to follow it.
I'm seeing problems with the delivery though. After about the 6th paragraph the pacing seemed to speed up unnecessarily. Certain things, like the grim mood of the hospital and her mood about the apples adopting her, seem to be glazed over and quickly stated. I understand she wouldn't have many feelings for her father and she wouldn't be upset about that. But every thing else is just begging to be explained/emphasized a bit more.
This chapter feels more like an outline for the intro than a proper intro itself. If i were to give a suggestion, try to take the current concepts you have here and expand on them slightly. break up some dialog with reactions, emotions, expressions ect. (I like to re-read my chapters with reader 'goggles' to keep my pacing in good flow, not a perfect trick but helps.)
I'd make a suggestion to aim for... 1,700 to 2,000 words with your current concepts for this chapter. That might be appropriate, but that's just a guess.
To save comment space I'll just say I completely agree with 3694471, and I have added this little fic to my own reading list. The concept has potential but needs some fleshing out.
Please make another chapter today.
I think this is going to turn out really good! Keep it up! (also add a bit of rarity somewhere in there)
I'm already loving it.
I want to like this, I really do. But you are moving too fast.
The main problem I see is Tiara's reaction; you don't just decide you didn't like your father, anyway. There are no motivations. Heck, with the right explanation, Tiara can even be excused for celebrating her dad's death. So, either you need to establish the destroyed relationship a bit more, or else you need to have her get a thorough breakdown as soon as she realizes that her father is gone, and that there will be no second chances. The second option saves you rewriting the whole first chapter; the first could make your story exceptional - if you are able to pull it off.
I am curious as to your reaction, and eager to read more of this story.
great story so far
nice Idea. you need to work on your pacing a little, though.
3694996
You hit the nail on the head. Author, this is the way to do it
I'm sorry. I've got to echo the other folks in the comments. The set-up is rushed - it's like reading story notes, or an outline with "placeholder" dialogue.
DT's characterization is badly flat - even if she and Filthy had a relationship as bad as you describe, she wouldn't simply brush off the fact that she's spent her whole life with him; there's going to be some turmoil. I could see her displaying a flat affect, were that the case, but there'd be something under the surface, ready to erupt. (For that matter, why would they have such a bad relationship? You need to establish that in the set-up, rather than just a short confrontation of, "You flunked, so you're grounded...")
Shame, really - it's a great story concept. I would suggest several scenes with DT and Filthy establishing that there's no love there, and why (maybe something to do with why we don't see DT's mom?...), and, perhaps have her wake up during the fire, perhaps while being rescued (with a core point that it was somepony else who got DT out, while Filthy got himself killed trying to save his possessions, maybe?)... You might try a rewrite with a couple of thousand words worth of prologue establishing the bad relationship, and use this as an outline to flesh out your first actual chapter.
As I said, it's a great concept. Just, please, work on the execution, and you just might make it into something excellent.
Not a bad concept, but the pacing is rushed
. I'd like to see where this is going. Keep writting!!!
3694471
To clarify when you said this:
[A lot of you think DT needs more depth, and I agree she is pretty underdeveloped, but as the chapters are added, layers will be pulled back. I promise! Thank you!]
I'm not saying that you need to 'pull back layers' in this chapter (unless you mean everypony is being bland and nearly emotionless on purpose). Just flush out the mood a bit more. It almost seems like a robot blankly reading a telegram vs a hospital seen. (though I can understand it being tricky, having wrote a hospital seen myself. I understand how difficult it is to properly convey the feelings of the characters, it can be chaotic and difficult to explain in description).
That said: I'll let the artist do their stuff.
I'll agree with the other comments; this is WAY too fast-paced.
it feels kind of rushed
i like it and Fluffy The Dragon when will more chapters for this story come out
3701691 hopefully sometime tomorrow.
3702097 ok
You dove into everything. You should've waited until chapter 2 to even get to the parts about the apple family.
For me its a bit... nah.. Its extremely rushed and the pacing is dead as a rock. I am bemused
Also spacing. Needs some work on spacing.
I like the premise and setting though... just.. fix everything else.
Silver walks Diamond home; Filthy scolds Diamond for bad report card; Diamond yells 'I hate you.' (like all children do at least once when they are pissed); Diamond house burns down and she survives; she learns that father is dead and has no sympathy and feels he didn't love her (denial); Diamond finds out she is adopted by Apples and has fit. All this happens in one chapter in about 1000 words.
Now, I firmly believe in quality over quantity, but this was too much and too deep to have happen in 1000 words. Hell, I can understand splitting this into two chapters of at least 600 words each, and that is being optimistic. Now I am going to keep following this story to see how it continues, but please, space it out a little.