I Don't Blame You, For Being You
“Well, that was dumb,” Scootaloo said, walking out of the cinema next to her two best friends, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom.
“Yeah, Ah don’t know who thought that was a good idea to film,” Apple Bloom remarked, “But that had to be the stupidest movie ever made.”
The two glared at Sweetie Belle, who looked over at them, blushing a bit. “Hey, I liked it!”
“Sweetie Belle, Bake to the Future was a three hour movie about some ponies stoning so hard they think that they went back in time,” Scootaloo told her unicorn friend. “I mean, the first hour and a half was just them looking for a package of fucking gummy worms!”
“It had some nice acting,” Sweetie Belle retorted, shrinking down slightly.
“No!” Scootaloo yelled at her. “No! I don’t think they WERE acting! Who the fuck even funded this?”
“Ah dunno,” Apple Bloom said, shrugging. “But aside from that, you had a nice sixteenth birthday, right Scootaloo?”
“Yeah, it was alright,” Scootaloo said, looking over her shoulder back at the cinema and sighing. “But you know... I don’t feel right.”
“Huh?” the other two said in unison, equally confused.
“Yeah, I’m sixteen! I always thought there’d be a little more happening,” Scootaloo said. “Y’know, sex, drugs, violence, all the things that make a healthy adult!”
“Um—” Apple Bloom began, but Scootaloo cut her off.
“Hell, we don’t even have our cutie marks yet!” she ranted. “That’s basically the equivalent of not going through puberty for us! And I still hang out with a thirteen year old—”
“I’m fourteen,” Sweetie Belle said, a little hurt.
“Whatever. I mean, you guys are both really good friends, and I guess I’m okay, but I thought there’d be a little more happening,” Scootaloo finished. Her two friends looked at her, and she looked back at them. After a few awkward moments, Apple Bloom shattered the silence.
“Well, Ah better walk Sweetie Belle home; you know how dangerous things get for foals her age out after dark here.”
“You’re only five months older than me!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. “Why does everypony think I’m a little foal?”
“Sweetie Belle, we had to remove a crayon from your nose last week,” Scootaloo said.
“This is a completely different scenario!” Sweetie Belle argued.
“You were completely convinced that if you got it to tough your brain, it would stimulate your magic receptors and allow your horn to work,” Scootaloo continued. Furrowing her brow and tilting her head, she thought for a moment, then said, “You know, that’s another thing! It’s like we’re all physically stunted too! I still can’t fly, Sweetie Belle’s horn is basically only good for holding donuts on it, and Apple Bloom kills plants just by looking at them; what the hell’s wrong with us?”
Apple Bloom shrugged, then put a hoof around Sweetie Belle. “Come on, Sweetie, let’s get you home.”
Scootaloo sat on her butt, staring after them. Is this how year sixteen was going to start off? It had to be better then this, this was basically the same old shit as before! As everypony knows, the instant you turn sixteen, your whole life is supposed to change. Why didn’t anything happen to her?
Well, there was still eighteen, which was pretty cool if you’re female. When fillies become mares, they can finally begin to explore the world in full. If you’re male, well, you’re fucked. When colts become stallions, they’re instantly picked up by the royal guard and sent to fight horrible wasp monsters somewhere off in the south seas. Well, unless you’re a draft dodger like Big Mac. Ever wonder why he’s never seen near the police or the royal guard? Well, now you know.
Of course, there was twenty-one as well, but that simply the age you could drink the hardest alcoholic beverage known to pony kind: cider. That shit straight fucks you up. Why, you only needed to drink five or six before you started to feel tipsy! Shit is straight brutal.
Scootaloo laid down in the dirt, sighing. Her life was still the same boring wreck it was before, living as a developmentally stunted pegasus with ethnically diverse and equally stunted friends.
Scootaloo’s sensitive ear-holes picked up light hoof beats behind her. Swiveling her head around 180 degrees (pegasi are birds, and owls are birds, so it stands to reason that pegasi can turn their heads like owls can), she saw... herself.
There she was— Scootaloo. She was bigger than her sixteen year-old self though, and she looked... way more vibrant. But, she was still herself. Same orange coat, same purple mane, but... there was something different on her flanks.
“Oh my gosh,” she said. “You’re me... but with a cutie mark! That can only mean one thing...”
The other Scootaloo smiled and nodded. “Yup, I’m—”
“You’re a clone that was made at the same time as my birth, raised in secret by scientifically enhanced bears, feating off of underground lichen and bugs, to see which would grow up better— a Scootaloo raised in an urban environment, or a rural environment!” Scootaloo looked over her other self. “Well, judging by your cutie mark and size, I guess the bears were right; an organic environment is better than any synthetic one pony kind can invent.”
The other Scootaloo looked confused. “What? No, that’s fucking stupid. I’m from the future, idiot!”
“Oh,” Scootaloo said, a little put out. “That was my second guess.”
“Sure,” Future Scootaloo said. “Anyway... I’m here to help make sure you get the sixteenth birthday you always wanted!”
“I’m gonna have anal sex with Rainbow Dash while she screams the Equestrian National Anthem to the tune of the theme song?” Scootaloo said, suddenly excited.
“Again, no,” Future Scootaloo said, a little weirded out. “You’re going to have consensual sex with Sweetie Belle in the missionary position, under the covers, with the lights out!”
“Huh?” It was Present Scootaloo’s turn to be confused. “I mean, I wouldn’t mind it, but that was only fourteen on my list of things to do on my birthday.”
“You have to! The future of Equestria depends on it!” Future Scootaloo told her younger self urgently.
Present Scootaloo gave Future Scootaloo a weird look. “Why would the future of Equestria depend on sleeping with my friend on my sixteenth birthday?”
“The future is complicated,” Future Scootaloo answered simply. “Now, do you want to save the Equestria or not?”
“I guess,” Present Scootaloo answered. “I didn’t really have anything else planned.”
“Good,” Future Scootaloo said, grinning. “Let’s save Equestria!”
***
“Alright,” Future Scootaloo said. “Just go in there and sit on the table, and wait for Sweetie Belle to show up. Then, talk to her about how special the night was supposed to be and go to town on her!”
“Alright,” Present Scootaloo said, slightly doubtful. “But I’m not sure why we needed this cake.”
Future Scootaloo looked at the cake they had picked up from Sugercube Corner. “It’ll be less suspicious if you have a cake. Also, you only turn sixteen once, might as well get something sweet to make memory of it.”
“You know, I never got that,” Present Scootaloo said. “You’re only EVERY age once; why is it certain ages that matter?”
“You think too much,” Future Scootaloo told her past self. “Now get in there, and go to town! I’ll be watching from the bushes outside to make sure everything goes according to plan. Just say everything like we practiced it!”
Present Scootaloo nodded, and slipped into the Carousel Boutique. Jumping on the table, she set down the cake, lit the sixteen candles on top of it, and positioned herself. Casting a glance out the window, she saw her future self hide in the bushes.
“Sweetie Belle!” she yelled. There was a rustling upstairs, and she heard a light go on.
“Scootaloo?” came a posh voice. “Whatever are you doing here at this time of night?”
Oh shit, Rarity! Present Scootaloo though. looking out at her future self for guidance, Future Scootaloo simply mimed for her to go on through with it. Sighing, the young pegasus shouted back to the unicorn. “Oh, Sweetie Belle invited me over! I was just running late, so she musta gone to bed.”
“Oh, it’s quite alright dear,” Rarity called back. “Sweetie Belle insisted that Apple Bloom let her walk home alone the last block to our house, and she was jumped by some roaming teeth poachers. They only took her molars though, so she’s in the bathroom trying to stop the bleeding; nothing particularly dreadful. I’ll send her down in a moment.”
Present Scootaloo waited patiently for a few moments, before she heard the little hoofbeats of her friend. Sweetie Belle showed up, giving her friend a sort of pained face as she tried to talk to her.
“Heg, Scoothaloo,” Sweetie Belle said, voice clogged.
“Jeez, what’s wrong with your voice?” Present Scootaloo asked. Sweetie Belle gagged for a few moments, then answered.
“Tampahns in my mouf,” Sweetie Belle answered. “Stohs teh bleedig. Sukhs up teh blood.”
“Huh,” Present Scootaloo said. “Gross.” Looking out the window, she saw Future Scootaloo waving angrily at her, so she started the plan. “Well... I just wanted to say...” She looked down at her hoof, and recited the speech written there in ink.
“Sweetie Belle. we’ve been friends forever. But now, there’s something that has changed. As you know, when somepony turns sixteen, their lives change forever. They become a different pegasus, a different pony all together. They transition from a filly to a mare. They transition from lack of responsibility to a little bit of responsibility; not too much, mind you, because that’s saved for when you turn eighteen, and then it all goes away again when you turn twenty-one. It’s a good system, unless you’re a colt, but who needs ‘em anyway? It’s always best to have some nice, good old fashioned butch lesbian sex with a good friend anyway. The turning of a different age is a lot like this cake, and these sixteen candles. When the candles are blown out, the cake goes from a brightly illuminated cake to a dark, slightly spitty cake, and that’s just like what happens to a pony when they turn sixteen, except completely different. It makes sense if you think about ti really fast and not too hard. Ponies change with age, Sweetie Belle. They become more mature, more large, and more awesome (not as awesome as Rainbow Dash though, no one is as awesome as her). They become so many different things at the age of sixteen, but most of all, they become legal. What I’m trying to say here, Sweetie Belle, is ‘will you have lesbian sex with me’?”
There was a silence.
Sweetie Belle shrugged. “Ogay.”
Present Scootaloo looked over at Future Scootaloo through the window, who was giving her a thumbs up, despite having hooves and technically incapable of doing that. Present Scootaloo smiled.
“Um, this is my first time, so...” Present Scootaloo said as she awkwardly held her friend by her sides. “Do you think you could talk me through this?”
“Sure,” Sweetie Belle said. “Me an’ Rari’y prahtiss tis all teh tihm!”
Present Scootaloo stopped dead, and looked over at Sweetie Belle. “On second thought, don’t talk at all.”
The two both leaned over, and blew out the sixteen candles. Sadly, Sweetie Belle couldn’t really blow that great with the tissues in her mouth, and she ended up spewing bloody tampons all over the cake.
"Disgusting," Scootaloo said softly, looking up at Sweetie with half lidded eyes as they moved in close to kiss.
***
“Wow, that was really good,” Sweetie Belle said, laying on the table, hair askew. “I mean, it took so long for me to orgasm that my gums healed, but it was good nonetheless.”
“Fanks,” Present Scootaloo said. “Ah tink mah mouf is numb, dough.”
Sweetie Belle giggled. “That was nice! We should do it all the time!”
“Uh-huh,” Present Scootaloo said, wiping the cake and candles from her back. During their little tussle, they had rolled over the cake. Numerous times. The cake may have also been used in other ways.
Present Scootaloo walked out of the Carousel Boutique, and Future Scootaloo soon joined her.
“That was great, me!” she said excitedly. “You really know your stuff.”
“Really?” Present Scootaloo said. “It was my first time though.”
“Heh, well,” future her said. “I think I’d like to see some of those moves myself.” Future Scootaloo got rather close to her past self, and gave her a deep kiss.
Present Scootaloo broke the kiss quickly. “C-can we do that? No weird paradoxes and crap?”
“Nah, that only happens in the movies,” Future Scootaloo said. “Now, show me some of those moves you used tonight!” She tackled her younger self, and launched another passionate tongue invasion onto Present Scootaloo.
Present Scootaloo knew something was amiss, however. Breaking the kiss again, she looked at her future self.
“Wait, if you’re me from the future, wouldn’t you already know all these moves?” she asked.
“Erm, I—” Future Scootaloo began, but Present Scootaloo quickly ripped off the purple wig on her head. Underneath, rainbow locks spilled out, and Scootaloo laughed triumphantly, before gasping.
“Rainbow Dash?” Scootaloo yelled, completely caught off guard. “No way!”
“Ah, I would have gotten away with it too!” Rainbow Dash said. “If it weren’t for your meddling cognitive powers!”
“Stop right there!” came an authoritative shout. Rainbow Dash turned around, along with Scootaloo, and they were face to face with a squad of police ponies.
“We were out looking to nab some teeth poachers tonight,” a fat police pony said. “But looks like we grabbed a pedophile instead!”
“Wait!” Rainbow Dash screamed. “She’s legal!”
“But she engaged in illegal acts with a pony younger than the age of consent!” the police pony growled at her. “So you’re BOTH under arrest!” A skinny police pony levitated a pair of hoofcups up, and hoofcupped the two to each other.
Scootaloo was about resign to her fate, when something hit her. “Wait! I’m innocent!”
“How so, you disgusting pervert?” the fat police pony asked.
“I didn’t feel any different this year!” Scootaloo yelled. “And only now I realized that I didn’t turn sixteen! I turned fifteen!”
The two police ponies looked at each other, before uncuffing Scootaloo. “You got lucky,” the skinny one hissed, narrowing his eyes. Scootaloo smiled, and skipped away.
“Wait, you can’t arrest me!” Rainbow Dash wailed as an extra pair of hoofcuffs were applied to her. “I’m one of the elements of harmony!”
“Yeah, the element of pedophilia!” the skinny one retorted.
“Is now really the time for jokes?” the fat one said, shaking his head.
Scootaloo turned back and watched the arrest of Rainbow Dash. As she did so, she felt a strange tingling on her flanks. Gasping, she looked back, and saw her cutie mark.
It was a picture of Chris Hansen.
A single tear flowed down Scootaloo’s cheek. “This is the best birthday ever.”
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I was going to write this on my birthday, but then Doctor Who happened.
>TFW Regi self-inserted himself into Scootaloo
Oh gawd why? Yes!
Regi has a new fic
So glad I stayed up until half past midnight waiting for this moment
I'm totes a prophet, bra.
...
...
...
This was fucking stupid as shit, and I loved every moment of it.
3567310
What part of himself did he insert?
3567381
michellebeard.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/spoilers.jpg
The world is not yet ready for this work of art. It is entirely possible that you may have just doomed us all.
3567164 For a person my age, I'd be expectant to make a Twilight joke. But frankly, I'm just going to say it's been a long time since I've seen vampires kick ass.
Absolutely fabulous.
image.blingee.com/images18/content/output/000/000/000/779/735045843_80359.gif
Yep, 16 in a nutshell.
I don't know what this is...
I don't know what to say about it...
I don't know what to DO about it...
I don't know if I need therapy because of it...
All I do know...
Is that I fucking loved it.
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/225/378/sweetie%20belle%20that%20is%20beautiful.jpg
Who the hell DOESN'T want a Chris Hansen cutie mark?
Silver out!
Regidar... do you mind telling me exactly what I just read?
The Sweetie Belle part in particular?
okay, that was.... weird^^;
ih1.redbubble.net/image.12228815.7233/sticker,375x360.png
Suspicious the whole time, but the bushes gave it away. Also, Hanson the football player, or Hansen the pedo catcher?
3569595 whoops
let's fix that
I'm fairly certain I lost some brain cells reading this... this... this exceptional piece of work. I was able to cook a hot pocket with the sheer awesomeness radiating out of my screen. It also made my hair fall out, but that's what hats are for. I've never seen a more beautiful piece of literature in my life and I never will again (because I'm pretty sure I'll be legally blind when I wake up, due to my eyes being incapable of withstanding something so great). This is what random comedies should be like. I have to go lie down now.
3571896 jeez, I'm sorry my fic did that to you, I'll be more careful in the future
3572411
It's okay. It was worth it. And I can still see, so it's all good.
I'd totally watch it
I thought the same when I was sixteen...
That makes surprisingly much sense...
Scoots, your imagination starts to creep me out...
Didn't Chris Hansen get arrested recently?
3578739 for?
3579105
Oh it was just some randy with a similar name. He was thrown in jail for chasing little boys in a park. But the Internet has twisted it into being the real Chris Hansen. Thus scarring his reputation forever.
3580041 he already was pretty much a giant joke
but yeah, i guess so
Ohhh fuck me
3585179 the body horror of that scares me
Well, that was awesome
3585779 thnx m8
k
3617391 no u
That was pretty fucking dumb, but I laughed anyway
3628186 good to know
3987188 truly a coming of age story
You make the funniest shit ever bro
4036729 hardly
Shit's even funnier the second time.
4159274 the ride never ends
I just read this for the second time and realized that this has another crayon-up-the-nose gag. Awesome.
4373212 and they were almost exactly the same
I used the same words
Huh. So the "year sixteen" line at the beginning was intentional. You cunning bastard. Well, that, or Scootaloo's just bullshitting the cops.
Bizarre and hilarious. Thank you for it.
4426395 why not both
I read this due to the Fall Out Boy referrence in the title, as many others probably did. It was worth my timd
4822595 gud
There is something wrong with me. That first scene break, with the ***? I was thinking "cut to Your First Morning."
Seriously, what is wrong with me?