I awaken in the magical land of Equestria to find myself face to face with Nightmare Moon, weakened, but not gone. She says that she is slowly gaining power, and nothing can stop her once she has returned completely. Nothing but a human, the worst thing to ever happen to Equestria.
This is an older story with many flaws, but a semi-coherent plot. I won't be getting back to it anytime soon, .
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Good Story
I kinda like this story so far. I'm hooked. I'll fave and stay till all of it's up, but for now I should sleep. Should.
Wow, he seems to be taking this rather well.
Hm, I'll see where this leads. Seems interesting.
This is so god awful. Like, what the fuck is this moron doing? Oh, I'm in Equestria, I wanna stay here... pft. Too calm about everything... then the whole NMM bit where he seems to be helping her. God, so bad.
3508045
Boo, you're no fun
It's so fast paced, I like it...
Before i begin i want to make it perfectly clear that i like the idea for this story, and i am NOT saying that the story is god awful. The story has potential, it just needs to be refined.
that being said: Everything wrong with The Nightmare in the Moon, Chapter 1 (a cinema sins parody)
1:
...um....why is this here? I understand that it might be setting up that Phil is a brony, but it could have been done in a much better way, rather than....whatever the hell this was supposed to be.
2:
This is all the description the reader gets
3
This is ALSO just about the only description the reader gets of the Everfree Castle. Phil sounds very intelligent right now.
4:
Phil is a horrible brony, as everypony knows that the castle belonged to Both sisters, often times called 'the castle of the two pony sisters'
5:
Phil can't decide weather to talk to himself out loud or in his head
6:
Phil decides to stay in an old abandoned castle in the middle of an evil enchanted forest. Had he indulged in any horror story, he would know this is a Horrible idea.
Also, The worst Reaction Phil could possibly get from Ponyville would be the Zecora treatment, which is much better compared to being eaten by horrible monsters.
7:
Phil has already concluded that he is in equestria, so he should know that no one in their right mind would ever go near the everfree forest, let alone the Castle, so he should already be wary of the voice. One could argue that Zecora might go to the castle occasionally, but this voice is OBVIOUSLY not rhyming. Phil also has a very high opinion of himself (sarcasm). Nightmare moon is acting very childish.
8:
Author relies on readers previous knowledge Instead of supplying imagery. At this point we have no idea whether Nightmare moon is a pony or human, and she seems oddly accepting of an 'alien' knowing about her.
9:
This should have been revealed as nightmare moon appeared
10:
The reader gets almost no in sight into how either of them are feeling. For all we know, they're just having a friendly chat at this point. Also there are other words beside 'said' and 'asked' that can be used to show that someone is/was speaking.
11:
Page breaks/Transition missing. Was it really so hard to add "then i blacked out" or something? Also Phil doesn't seemed bothered that he can't remember what happened in said evil enchanted castle.
12:
Author relies on readers previous knowledge Instead of supplying imagery, again.
13:
Fluttershy would never open the door immediately to somepony she didn't know, let alone some unknown 'monster' from the everfree, even if it could talk. Phil is also very low on tact.
(i got lazy, sorry)
14:None of the ponies + spike care that an unknown creature is walking around town.
15:Fluttershy wouldn't give out her friends address to a total stranger, without at least going with.
16: why is Phil pretending that he doesn't know anybody, i mean the reason is obvious, but it is never actually said in the story.
17:The reader is not told how any character is feeling, making him/her feel detached from the story
18: None of the characters seem even the least bit interested by what is going on around them, once again detaching the reader from the story
19:and once again: Author relies on readers previous knowledge Instead of supplying imagery
FINAL NOTES: this fic is written like a rushed movie, minus video. All we get is dialogue without getting any images of what is going on. Hell we don't even know what Phil LOOKS LIKE. Not to mention the story moves so fast that the reader can't get a full idea of any one 'scene'.
Sin total: 19 (im being nice here)
Sentence: Everfree Castle; a happy place
Recommendations: ADD SOME IMAGRY also an editor/prereader would help too
(if this came off as mean spirited, i am sorry, as that was not the intention
)
When's the next chapter coming out?
Alright, I added 5 more chapters at once. Just one at a time from now on since I already put down everything I wrote so far.
3512973
You wrote that review better than I wrote my story.
You're completely right with every little thing that you typed, and I'm very glad that you took the to write it, but unfortunately, I am not a very good writer. Even I don't like my own writing style, and that's just awful.
I know that there are more problems than that in the story already. I know it isn't very good, but it's fun to write. If it wasn't fun, it wouldn't be up at all, and that's just boring.
3521570 Why not try to improve using his critique? He says (and is absolutely correct) that you rush your story and give little description. Why not try giving more detail and slow it down? No one said don't write, but if you like writing, be the best writer you can be. Work on improving.
You gave it a shot mate.
shining is being a bit of a prick in this chapter but is still funny.
Great! Be sure to add more romance! I liked it so far. The ponys and chrysalis getting along was a nice surprise.
I have to say that the start of the story was kinda slow but it got better the more i read. I do find that it has peek my interests. I do hope to see more of the story soon.
Dragonfox
3563639
, I believe you meant interests 
.
One your spelling could use more work, in tress what is that
For another, I would find myself in agreement with you
, I just hate waiting for the next chapter 
Since when was he German?
ok i like this story so far
morrrr
please to god tell me theres more
this better be temperary damnit the pony thing I mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry about your mother :'(
And for the record I loved this chapter. :)
Hey, we all have times when we need someone to talk to. You're lucky enough to have readers who enjoy your stories and feel bad when sonething horrible happens to you. Keep yourself occupied, listen to music, write stories, or work out. Whatever helps you work through your loss. A loss in the family hurts and is never fully repaired. But you can minimize how much it affects you afterwards.
Peace out,
THEOVERPOWEREDONE
Damn it twirly u made it awkward
3543801 ur pic says your like of this story is over nine thousand :3
3720136 lol
all I can say is
DAMN
the closest that I can relate is not really good. so what I am trying to say is she is either in a better place and not suffering any more or she has taken the place of your guardian angel.
if you are atheist or something than I am saddened by your loss
times by twenty.
P.S. I have not cried a tear in a LONG time and just noticed one fall. praying for you, that's what a Christian does. may you find hope in a dark time
Hey man I can't say I know what's going on because of your mother (I lost my dad) but try to live in a way she would be proud of do what you love and every now and then do somthing in here memory.
That last line tho
Good story so far
I know how you feel I lost my mother when I was 14 that was 8 years ago. just hang in there. Awesome chapter btw.
I don't get this is Chrysilas messing with him or is she actually afraid of him, second is he acting loopy because he is coming down from a high that the pain killers induced or is it also Chysilas screwing with and feeding off his emotions also why is nightmare not affected by this please PM me the answers I pinkie promise I won't spoil your story but I REALLY need to know
Y no comments?
Celestia should have at least used a detection or memory loss spell OR even a mindscape spell. Just for in case
Woooooooow this is getting interesting that Nightmare Moon is in Phil's mind. Wonder what she is thinking about while watching him?
Woooow this is going to be a pretty good battle.
Wonderful! Celebrations are in order! Cheese! For everyone!.
Cheese?.
Wait, scratch that. Cheese for no one.
3521570 Use this to help you write better. It helped me
8037791
Nah that's not it. The story needs an entire new beginning and that sort of thing. As far as I can remember, at least. It's been a while since I've seen this story. My grammar is great nowadays. Grammar is no longer an issue. It's just such a big task and I just haven't wanted to go through the story to take care of it. I've been involved with another story so it's still going to be a very long time before I look into this story again.
3512973
WOW YOU HAVE THE AWARD FOR THE LONGEST COMENT EVER YOUR FINGERS MUST HERT AND I DON'T HAVE FINGERS BEING THE PRINCE OF THE DALEKS AND ALL
NOT BAD NOT BAD AT ALL
WHY ARE HUMANS THE VILLANS IN THIS STORY THE DALEKS SHOUD BE THE VILLANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE HUMAN IS SIXTEEN!?!?!? HE MUST BE EXTERMINATED!!!!!!!!!!!!
THIS IS A SMALL INPROVMENT THE PONY THING BUT HE'S STILL INFEREA TO THE DALEKS AND WHY ARE THE PONY'S FALLING FOR HIM THIS IS JUST WERD
NO THE DALEKS ARE THE RULERS OF EQUESTRIA THE GRATE NITEMARE IS THE RULER OF NOTHING!!!!!!!!!
YES THE HUMAN MALE IS GOING TO DIE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA