The Nightmare in the Moon

by Omega Dracomancer

Surprise!

"I said I'd do it and I did it. Danke, Applejack."

"We need more help than ya know. First, Ah'd like ya to..."

I've been working harder than ever before for a week. I woke up early and went to bed late, and worked hard at the farm all day. I had nothing else to do, and she paid me overtime.

Today I took the day off. I was exhausted. And smelly. I smelled like tacos. Tacos that someone left in the sun for a week, but tacos nonetheless.

"I need a shower." I said to myself, "Wait... I need a change of clothes first. Ah damn, I forgot to tell Rarity what I wanted. Shining! Why didn't you tell me to go back to Rarity's place?"

"I didn't think you cared anymore."

"Fair enough. I wouldn't wanna get my new clothes dirty anyways. I have never worked anywhere close to this hard before."

"I'm kinda impressed with your work habits. It's more than a guard works."

"Huh?"

"Guards shouldn't work more than ten hours in one day. Princess Celestia told us that it keeps us rested."

"That's a neat little piece of trivia. C'mon, lets head over to her place. I'd like to have at least two sets of clothes. Maybe three. Then I'll shower... somewhere."

I saw somepony familiar on the way there. "Lightning Dasher! Haven't seen you in a while, buddy."

"Oh, hey! Wow, you really smell."

"That's what happens when I do stuff." I said, "I missed ya on the train."

"Well, I saw you."

"That's because I'm a 6 foot tall shaved ape. Hard to miss me when I stand above everypony."

"That's... pretty accurate."

"So you have any luck with that thing you told me about?"

"Um... no."

"Not yet, you mean."

"Yeah."

"Still need help?"

"I thought you said you didn't get involved in that kind of thing."

"Yeah, whatever. C'mon, you should go talk to her friend. I'm headed to Rarity's place right now."

"Alright. If you say so. Thanks."

We walked into the Carousel Boutique.

"What is that horrid smell? Sweetie Belle, are you cooking something?"

"Not right now. Do you want something?"

"That won't be necessary."

"Hey, Rarity!" I called.

She walked out to us. "Goodness, you smell awful. Hello, Lightning Dasher."

"Been a while since I've been in here." said Lightning, "It's pretty nice."

"Thank you. I furnished it myself. Now Phil, you really need to take a bath, or at least put on some deodorant."

"Oh yeah... I forgot deodorant existed. I'd like you to make me a spare set of clothes. I was gonna ask you the day I got back, but I forgot."

"No worries." she said, "What all do you need?"

She got out a pad and wrote while I talked.

"Shorts. I also need underwear, and a few pairs of socks. And a shirt. Or two."

"Mmm, hmm... Is that all?"

"I think so. After I get some clothes, I'll take a shower or something. Oh! And I need you to talk to this guy."

He waved at her. "Hey, Rarity."

"What is it you need?"

"I wanted to talk about... uh, Fluttershy."

"Oh. I'm afraid I don't think I can help you with that."

"I don't know, you're friends with Fluttershy. I though you could probably tell him something useful." I said.

"I guess I can try." she said.

"Great, but do that later. I really need some clothes."

Lightning shrugged. "That's fine with me."

Rarity brought out a strip of measuring tape and wrapped it around me for a while, writing down whatever she felt like. Probably something useful, like grams of cyanide needed for... Dude, fuck math, just use all of it.

When she was done, she said, "Any preferences?"

"Blue denim shorts, red shirt. Those don't show stains. For the most part."

"Well... that isn't what I would've made, but alright."

"Sweet, thanks."

"Would you like me to clean your clothes as well?"

"Really? That'd be great! You are so nice. Wait... Then I'd be naked."

"You can bathe yourself here while I clean them."

"That might work. Expect I take like ten minutes to shower. I'll just be sitting here wrapped in a towel waiting for them to dry for like an hour or something."

"Ten minutes? That's an awfully short amount of time."

"Yeah well, I don't really groom myself. I get clean and I'm done. It works for me and keeps me all sparkly fresh for the day."

"I'll get to work on the new clothes, then. Until they're done, you're going to have to keep those dirty things on."

"Thank you. How much will this run me?"

"Hmm... Materials..." She told me the price. I had enough from working with Applejack, but if I gave it to her now, then I probably wouldn't be able to go see the Wonderbolts with Rainbow. I wonder if Lightning's coming with.

She must've noticed that I didn't like the price, so she said, "You're a friend. Will half off do?"

"Wow, really? Thank you so much."

"Absolutely. I should be done in three hours. Come back then."

I happily paid her, and we left, leaving Lightning there with her. I told him to come see me when he was done here.

I wandered close to the Everfree Forest and laid under a tree. "Oh man, I am so tired."

"Hey dude, what're you doing here?" asked Rainbow, joining us.

"Just laying down." I said, "I'm too lazy to go any further."

"Why do you smell so bad?"

"I haven't showered in like... two weeks."

"Gross. You stoked for tomorrow?"

"You bet I am! It's gonna be awesome."

"You got that right. The show starts at 9 PM, so we'll have to leave kinda early. About 6 in the morning."

"Alright, I can do that. You got any food on ya?"

"Do I look like I have food?"

"You should."

"You know, not including inside the forest, this is the worst place you could've decided to sleep."

"Inside the forest, you say?" I got up and cracked my back. "C'mon, lets go."

"Go? Into the Everfree?"

"I wanna see what's in here."

"There's some really bad things in this forest." said Shining.

"I am a really bad thing." I replied. I looked right at the forest. "Then again, I don't have any real reason to go in. I still kinda want to. There might be some treasure in here."

"Wouldn't you need a map if you wanted to find treasure?"

"Probably." I started thinking. "Has anypony ever mapped the entire forest?"

"I've never seen one, but I've met a few ponies who tried. They never got far." said Shining.

"I want one." I shrugged. "Now I'm standing up. I guess that's what happens when I move my body into an upright position and use my feet and legs to keep that stance and maintain my balance. I'm hungry."

We headed to Sugarcube Corner. Cupcakes were some good stuff. And Pinkie was an awesome cook. I needed my fix, man...

"Pinkie Pie!"

"Right here!"

"You got the stuff?"

"You got the money?"

"I got the money, do you got the stuff?"

"Oh, I got the stuff. Show me the money."

"Show me the stuff."

She slid a paper bag to me. I opened it to find a few cupcakes.

"Yeah, that's the good stuff." I paid off my dealer... I mean Pinkie Pie. "Don't spend it all in one place."

She gave me a nod, and I returned it.

She cracked a smile, and we both started laughing.

"Executed flawlessly." I said, eating one. I really do like cupcakes. Cupcakes is like my family.

"What's up, smelly?"

"Just grabbin' some grub. You?"

"Nothing much."

"Aw, I thought you'd have, like, this huge, action-packed adventure I could go on."

"Nope. Not today."

"Then I'll find my own adventure! With blackjack! And hookers!"

"What?"

"You know what? Forget the adventure, and the blackjack!"

"I..."

"Ah, screw the whole thing. Good day to you, ma'am."

I tipped an imaginary top hat, then walked away.

"I'll see you later, then!"

"Got that right!"

I grabbed another cupcake, then tossed it to Rainbow. She caught it and took a bite.

"You know, I'm not gonna do anything fun. I probably should've warned ya before you followed me."

"Oh..."

I heard a very loud squeal, then something tackled me to the ground.

"I'm innocent!"

"I told you all they were real!"

"Wha-"

"I can't believe it took me a week to find you." The mare was standing on my back.

"Uh... hello."

"Hello!"

"You know, it's a bit difficult to greet you properly when you're on my back." I said.

"Oh my gosh, sorry!"

She hopped off.

She was stuttering in excitement. "M-my name is... Lyra.

"Hello, Lyra. Mine's Phil."

I sat up and looked at her. Wide smile? Check. Huge eyes? Check. Pony-shaped body? Check. Species diagnosis complete. Folks, we're dealing with a taco here.

"You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry I knocked you over, I got a little excited. I just really like humans."

"That's something we have in common. You want a cupcake?"

I gave her my last one. Lord Pinkie Pie, why hath thou forsaken me? Why must I suffer, so?

"Thank you..."

She stared at the food. No, not that. My hand.

"C'mon, take it."

"Oh yeah!"

She grabbed the cupcake, but kept staring at my hand.

"A real human..."

"Last time I checked."

"Where have you been since you got here? I looked all over for a week! I even went to Canterlot!"

"Applejack gave me a job at Sweet Apple Acres, so I go there then go back home every day. Nopony told you?"

"No they didn't, and they should have." she said, looking at Rainbow.

"Hey, don't try and blame me for this. I told you I thought you were crazy. Uh... yeah... guess you weren't. Sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it." She looked back to me. "I just can't believe it... It's just like a dream."

"Well, believe it. You're not dreaming. At least I hope you aren't. I love this place, and my widdle pony friends. Like you."

"We're friends!"

"You got that right."

"I have so many questions I wanna ask you."

"Sure, I'll answer them."

She asked a lot of questions without even giving me time to answer them.

"Lyra?"

She began to poke me, and started jumping around my body. She must've been examining me, because when she looked at my eyes, she said, "Blue. Is that a normal color?"

She got out two more questions before I said, "You do know that you're supposed to let the other guy answer, right?"

"Oh, sorry."

I stood back up.

"How tall are you?"

"6'1."

"Are all humans your height?" she asked.

"No, it's pretty different. I don't actually know what the average is. 5 foot something, probably. There are 7 billion of us. There's bound to be a little variance."

"7 b... 7 billion?!"

"Yep."

"There are 7 billion humans in your world?" asked Rainbow.

"Well, it might be closer to 7.1 billion now, but yeah."

"And... your world can hold all of them?"

"Yeah. Kind of. I... can't really answer that question. I haven't researched that topic very well."

"Well, what about weight? How much do you weigh? What's the average?"

"I'm 187, but I don't know the averages for a lot of things in my world. As I said, there are more than 7 billion humans. My country alone has about 300 million people in it, and a country on the other side of the world from me has well over a billion."

"Wow..."

"I can't really tell you about anyone other than myself, really. Sorry I can't be more helpful. That kind of stuff doesn't really matter to me."

"That's completely fine. What do you eat? Are you omnivorous?"

"Yeah. Personally, I prefer meat to anything else. Beef, cow, is my favorite. Then ham, pig. I don't like eating chicken, though. Or fish... Or lobster. I've eaten elk and deer, too. Uh... I can't really remember anything else, regarding my meat eating habits."

"That's disgusting." said Shining.

"That does sound pretty gross." said Rainbow.

"Yeah, well... You don't mind, do you, Lyra?"

"I already knew he was a meat eater. Look at those canines. Can I see your teeth?"

I shrugged, then bent down and opened my mouth. I held my breath, because just about everybody I knew said it was awful.

She looked inside for a few seconds. "I've never seen a picture of human teeth before. There aren't very many documents of humans."

"Celestia told me that they were here like a thousand years ago or something."

"That's what I was getting some of my information from, but it's pretty hard to find any more."

"Also it'd be pretty dated. Seriously, life expectancy almost tripled."

"Oh yeah, what is it now?"

"Like 80 something."

"How old are you?"

"16. Birthday's October 4th. Lot of people I know have October birthdays. Me, brother, sister, grandma, and 2 friends.'

"Where do you live?"

"Like you would know where it is."

"No, like what type of place?"

"A small-ish town. About 35000 people live there at any given time, and 1400 people go to my high school."

"1400 humans in a school..."

"Yep."

"I wish I went there."

"Hey, if I ever find a way back home, I'll take you with me."

"Really?!" Oh man, that smile.

"I promise. Although it's way more fun here. I get to meet colorful characters like you. In both the literal and metaphorical sense."

"Thank you!"

She tackled me again, but I managed to stay on my feet this time. Hugs!

Gosh, I love ponies.

'This is pathetic.'

'Yeah, well I'm pathetic.'

'Yes. Yes you are.'

I dropped the widdle cutie I was holding. "Well Lyra, I'm gonna go do some boring things, now. If you wanna come with then go ahead."

"If you're gonna be boring, then I'm taking off."

"See ya tomorrow."

"Yeah."

Party member lost: Rainbow Dash
Party member gained: Lyra

"So what boring stuff are you doing?"

"I don't know. I'll probably go back to Twilight's place and read or something."

"You've been staying at Twilight Sparkle's house?"

"Yep. I think I'm gonna go there right now."

'What am I doing? Just because Shining's here doesn't mean I'm trapped. I can do stuff. But the real question is, do I want to? I'm boring.'

I had nothing else really to do. I could go make friends with the other background ponies, but I was already with Lyra. Besides, the Doctor might see through me. Then again, he's never met me before. Even so, I kinda wanna talk to Derpy. No reason, really. She's just so cute and huggable and snuggly and *insert kawaii descriptive word here.*

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story so far.

"Hey Twilight, I brought a friend."

"That's... nice. Hello, Lyra. I expected to see you sooner or later considering your fondness for humans." she said.

"I should've just come to you first. Nopony told me that he came back to Ponyville, and nopony knew where he was staying, either."

"Well, now ya know."

I grabbed a book, not caring anymore what it was about. Turns out, it was a spell book. I wish I could use magic. Teleportation would be so overused in my house. Need a taco? Teleport it from fucking Canada.

"So Lyra, you got any more questions?"

"Oh, absolutely!"

So much questioning. From something mundane like how much I drink, to something bigger like what humans do. Explaining the latter took a solid 30 minutes. I impressed myself with my ability to simply list off things humans do for work or just for fun.

Twilight got in on it, as well. She asked me stuff like the scientific name of a human. It was like the only easy question. Homo sapiens. She really wanted to test my intelligence. It was like she was just giving me an actual test.

I am very smart. At least I like thinking I am. I've never been given a reason to think the opposite, so I just go with it. Turns out, Twilight briefly studied calculus, but never went in depth with it. Same as me, except she went further than I did, and he actually remembered what she learned. Calculus is complicated, but if I took it I'm pretty sure I would've passed. Math always came naturally.

She was way smarter than I was in just about everything. Even chemistry. I passed AP Chem, but Twilight knew way more. Organic, heat transfer, titration, everything. I couldn't remember jack.

Man, I loved that class. Teacher was awesome, students were awesome, exploding balloons, burning metal, and learning how to make meth. I mean... ice cream. Yeah. Ice cream. Mmm... ice cream...

She was just simply better, there was no getting around that.

I had basic knowledge of everything, but she wanted to find out how much I knew about everything. We kept going until she exhausted everything on her list.

"Humans learn so much with just a high school education."

"Oh yeah. I may not know more than you, but there are thousands of humans that do. Humans do things with science instead of magic, and it is far harder. Literally anything that you can do, humans can create, test, and perfect a device that can equal it."

"Even time travel?"

"Well... Probably not. I'm not entirely sure that traveling through time using human science is possible. I guess that if enough time passes, then they can do anything, but time travel is so close to science fiction that I think it's impossible. Or maybe it's already been done. I have no idea. Speaking of time, how long have we been talking?"

"Maybe three hours."

"Alright Twilight, I'm gonna take off. Rarity's expecting me."

"Alright, goodbye."

"Yup, see ya."

And back to her house I went. Lyra followed us again.

"Why does Rarity expect you?"

"I had her make some clothes for me. Maybe you haven't noticed, but I smell."

"Yeah. I noticed. I thought it was normal."

"It's normal after two weeks without showering."

"Oh. Is not showering normal?"

"No, not really."

The door opened just as I reached my hand for it. Rarity greeted us.

"Going somewhere?"

"No, I could smell you. Go use my shower. A set of clothing is in there for you already."

I shrugged. "Alright. See you all in a little while."

Man, pony bathtubs were small. I locked the door. A red shirt was laid over a neatly folded pile of clothing. Next to it was a towel.

Ten minutes later, I was all cleaned and ready for whatever. I walked back out, old clothes in my hands.

"I can take those for you." said Rarity, levitating the clothing away from me.

"Thanks, Rarity. I really appreciate your help here."

"At least you smell fresh, now. How do you feel?"

"Good. Really good."

She gave me a bag full of other clothes. "I hope you like them."

"I love the stuff I'm wearing, so I probably will. They feel great."

"I'm glad you like them."

"Where did Lightning take off to?"

"He said he wanted to get something to impress Fluttershy with. I told him that she doesn't really like grand, extravagant gifts, so he said that he would get her a bouquet of lovely flowers. After that, he went to the Everfree Forest."

"Man, wouldn't it just be hilarious if he picked poison joke?" I said.

"Uh... I don't think he knows what poison joke looks like. Oh dear..."

"Oh, that's not good. Maybe we should go check on him."

"Good idea."

She gave me a general idea of where to look, but Lightning wasn't specific when he told her.

When we got to the edge of the forest, I said, "Lyra, you should stay here."

"What? I can't come with?"

"You probably shouldn't go in here."

"I'll be fine. I have you two to protect me."

"Yeah, you got a point there. Lets go."

We followed the instructions we got. A little later, we started hearing growling.

"What is that?"

"Shh..." I said, "Whatever it is, don't let it hear us."

We walked softly. Soon, we saw something that was pretty extreme.

"Oh my gosh, a manticore..."

We all got down. If manticores didn't have scorpion tails, I'd be less afraid of them. This was dangerous.

The beast was pawing at some brush and growling. Something must've been in there. Dinner.

"Lightning is in there." said Shining, "I can see him."

"Oh man... that is not good."

He nearly jumped out there, but I put a hand on his back.

"We need to help him!"

"I have a plan." I whispered, "I'm going to sneak up from behind. You make sure the tail can't reach me when I jump on it's back."

"Wha..."

"Can you do that, Shining?"

"Y-yeah, I can do that. Be careful."

'I'm gonna fucking die.'

He started his spell. I sprinted at the big cat and jumped on his back before it could turn around. It growled loudly at me and tried to shake me off.

I quickly wrapped an arm around it's neck, putting it into a choke hold.

It tried to buck me off, and my arms were burning with exhaustion. Just a few more seconds.

It slowed down, then stopped. I quickly let go of it. Any longer and it may have died. Or maybe it was already dead. Oh well, I guess.

"Lightning!"

"Phil? How did you find me?"

"Rarity told me where you were. Are you ok?"

"He got my wing pretty bad. I couldn't fly away."

His wing and chest were bleeding pretty badly. It looked like he got clawed.

"Oh man, that doesn't look good. C'mon, lets get you to a hospital."

"Yeah... yeah."

I looked at the manticore. It was breathing, so it wasn't dead. Good.

'Well... that was very impressive. I greatly underestimated your abilities.'

"How long have you been bleeding?"

"I... don't really know. I don't feel very good."

"Oh sh... This is gonna hurt, but bear with me."

"What... ahh!"

I picked him up and started running at full speed out of the forest, holding my hand right over his injury. He groaned with every step.

I knew where the hospital was, but it was kinda far. My whole body burned.

'Fucking run faster!'

I made it there in under a minute.

"Don't worry, buddy. You'll be fine. I got you here in record time." I told him.

"Thanks."

As soon as they saw him, they took him from me. I wobbled a little, then collapsed into a nearby chair.

"I... feel... so... tired..."

I had blood all over my hand. I almost wiped it on my new clothes, but found the bathroom and cleaned myself there. None on my clothes. I couldn't see any, at least.

When I got back out, I heard a slow clap. "Good job, Phil."

"Thanks, Shining."

He took care of the hospital staff while I sat back down.

"How did you learn how to preform a sleeper hold?"

"I just picked it up." I didn't say anything else. It might've creeped him out if I started talking about blood flow and anatomy and stuff.

"That was pretty brave."

"Thanks."

"You risked your own life for somepony else. I didn't think you had it in you."

"Me either. Least he's here now."

"Absolutely."

I stayed for a few more minutes, then got bored and we took off. He's gonna be fine.

I told Rarity what happened. She seemed kinda guilty, but I reassured her that he'd be fine and that she shouldn't worry.

After we left, I started talking to my party.

"Hey Shining, should we tell Fluttershy about this?"

"I'm not sure."

"Lyra?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, pay attention."

"I'm gonna head home. It's getting late."

"Yep. See ya. Feel free to show up unexpectedly any time of the week except tomorrow."

"Alright. Bye."

"You know what? I'm gonna tell her."

"Alright, but you can't hold me responsible for whatever happens."

She was outside her house, playing with some of her animals.

"Hey, Fluttershy."

"Ah! Oh... hello."

"Lightning Dasher sent me to tell you he wanted to see you."

"Oh, really? Where is he?"

"He's... in the hospital."

"What?! Oh my goodness, what happened to him?"

"He was trying to get some flowers. For you."

"M-me?"

"He got attacked by a manticore while he was looking for them, but we got him out and took him to the hospital. Don't worry about his safety. He's fine. I just thought that you should go see him. If you want to, of course."

"Of course I'll see him. Um... I... Thank you for telling me."

"Yep."

She was pretty worried, but I expected that. I've done my part. Now it's his turn to not screw it up.

I decided that my day was done, and went back home.

"I still have enough for Wonderbolt tickets?"

"Yeah, you're good."

"Sweet."

Author's Note:

Well... that's chapter 7.

I can't help but feel that my stories are lacking in the emotional aspect. Just one thing that I'm finding difficult to write. The language is too predictable, even when I have something sudden happen. Oh well.

I'd like to take a moment to say that I love you all.
I really like it when people review, so go ahead and tell me what you think.

Comments

[THEDALEKPRINCE]

THE HUMAN IS SIXTEEN!?!?!? HE MUST BE EXTERMINATED!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Nuclear Fallout]

Black jack and hookers. FoE:PH........