"Man, Pinkie is so cute." I said, fixed on the episode I was watching.
The episode ended, then I started the next. "That one was better than finding a jug of milk in Canada." I said, "Or was it? Huh..."
I watched another episode, then looked outside. "Late." I got ready for bed, then fell asleep.
When I woke up it was much colder. I tried to find my blanket, but it seemed to have disappeared. I got up to look for another, then realized that I wasn't in my room anymore.
Shocking, really. Not like it was obvious or anything, no... Couldn't have been. Can't be a difference between a bed and the ground, can there? 'I'm an idiot.'
I looked around. I was in the middle of a dark forest. "I don't understand. Am I dreaming?" I looked around again. "Probably."
I started walking. 'This is a weird dream. So... I'm in control this time. When was the last time this happened? Oh well. Screw this, I'm out.'
I tried to wake myself, but it didn't work. Odd, because it usually does.
I reached an edge of the forest, and started seeing a castle, or what was left of a castle.
"Man, that's cool." I said.
There was a rope bridge over a cliff going to the castle. "This... kinda looks familiar."
I looked at the bridge. No way my fat ass was going over it. I looked back at the castle. Something about it started to bug me.
"Hey, wait a minute... Is that... Luna's castle?" I asked myself.
I looked at the bridge again. "I don't care whose castle it is, it isn't worth dying over. The hell is goin' on here? I've never had this kinda dream before. Is this..."
'Oh man, what if this was real? That would be awesome. Awesome to the max.'
"But... How? Why? Why do I even care? Now that... That is the real question. Guess there's nothing else to do but find somepony for help. That'd probably be best. Then again, it's the middle of the night. Some weird lookin' freak trudgin' out of the woods in the middle of the night. Yeah, that's a good way to make friends. Hey kids, ya wanna see a dead body?!"
I laughed at myself, then looked over the bridge again, half expecting something to be different. Nope.
"Maybe... Maybe I could cross it." I said.
I stepped on it. It creaked a little, but didn't break. I jumped a few times. "Better than it looks." I said.
I shrugged and walked across without a single rope snapping or board breaking. Lucky me.
I went in the castle. "Wow... This is... well it's unexpected is what it is."
"Who's there?" I heard. It was a girl's voice.
'Who the hell is that?' "Uh... Hi?"
"Who's there?" she asked again, angrier this time. I couldn't follow the voice to a source.
"I'm not here to cause trouble." I said, "Who are you?"
"I asked you first, now tell me."
"My name's Phil. Just Phil, I'm not important. I ain't gonna hurt ya."
"Hurt me? As if you could manage." she said with an obvious smugness.
I felt myself being lifted into the air. She pinned me against a wall, then she walked out from behind a statue.
"N-Nightmare Moon?!" I said in disbelief.
"So you know about me, child?" she asked, advancing on me.
"But... the Elements of Harmony! You're supposed to be..."
She laughed. "Destroyed? I'll never be destroyed, not even by those wretched Elements."
I noticed that her armor was tattered and broken, and she seemed to be exhausted. Regardless, she could still hold me in the air without any sign of struggle.
"But... What happened to Princess Luna?" I asked.
"Nothing, yet."
'Is she gonna spill her plan like every villain ever?'
"Why are you here?" she asked.
"Well, I don't really know. I just wanted to stay here until tomorrow. I wasn't gonna go to Ponyville at this hour. I'd probably terrify them all."
"Ponyville?"
"Yeah..."
"Maybe you'll be of some use to me after all." she said.
"What makes you think I'll help you?"
Another evil laugh. "That's the best part." she said, casting a spell on me.
"Oh man, where am I?" I asked, rubbing my head. I suddenly realized where I left off. "Luna's castle!"
It was broad daylight outside. "Wait, I crossed the bridge, then..." I couldn't remember. "Oh well, ain't important."
I stood up. Nothing out of the ordinary here. Maybe that I was in Equestria. That might be a little out of the ordinary. Just a little.
I went back to the bridge and crossed over it again. As soon as I stepped on the ground again, I felt a small wave of exhaustion, then the bridge collapsed behind me.
"Dayum, that was close." I said, "Not goin' back there anytime soon."
I walked through the forest. It was actually pretty easy to navigate during the day.
I exited the forest near Fluttershy's house. The animals that were playing around scurried away from me.
Fluttershy took one look at me, squeaked and ran inside, her animals following after her. She looked out the window at me, shaking.
I smiled at her. "Hello."
She opened the door a little and said, "Y-You can talk?"
"Yep." I replied, "I'm sorry for asking, but can I have some food? Like an apple or something."
The door closed, then a few seconds later she opened it back up with an apple in her hoof. She slowly walked over to me, and almost freaked out again when I took it from her.
"I'm not that scary, am I?" I asked her.
"Uh..."
"Am I?" I asked the apple, more seriously than one would typically talk to an apple.
"No, you're not scary." I said in a high-pitched voice, moving the apple around.
"See? The apple isn't afraid of me." I said, taking a bite.
She let out a nervous giggle.
"I'm Phil, what's your name?"
"F-F-Fluttersh-shy." she said.
"Thanks for the apple, Fluttershy."
"What are you?" she asked.
"I'm a human." I said.
"A human?" she said, "I've never heard of a human before."
She seemed curious about me, but I needed to get to Twilight.
"Hey, I'm in a bit of a jam at the moment." I said, "I got a big problem that I can't take care of myself. I was wondering if you know anypony who could help me. You seem busy, it would be rude to ask you."
"Well, my friend, Twilight Sparkle, might be able to help you. I can take you to her if you want."
"Thank you, but that won't be necessary. Could you just tell me where she is?"
"Oh, ok."
She told me where Twilight's house was. I thanked her, then headed there, walking behind houses. Not really in public, but not really hidden either. I'm sure a few ponies saw me, but they pretty much acted like I wasn't there.
I knocked on her door, and Spike answered.
"Uh..." He backed away.
"Hello." I said, "Fluttershy told me that a Twilight Sparkle lived here. I need her help."
"Oh." He sounded kinda disappointed. "Twilight! Something's at the door for you!"
"Be there in a second!"
"So who are you supposed to be anyways?" he asked.
"Just call me Phil." I said, "You?"
"Spike."
"Alrighty then."
Twilight walked to the door. "Who are you?" she asked.
"Phil. Just Phil. You must be Twilight."
"That's right. Sorry if I'm being rude, but what are you?"
"I'm a human."
"A human? Where have I heard that word before?"
"I have a problem, and your friend Fluttershy told me that you could help." I said.
"You met Fluttershy?"
"Yep. Can we talk?"
"Come on in." she said, standing aside.
It was a little cluttered inside, but for the most part it was clean.
"I remember now!" she said, "Lyra told me about humans! But she said that there weren't any humans in Equestria."
"Yeah, that's kinda the problem." I said, "I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be back at my house, playing video games. I mean, the biggest question I have at this point is how I got here."
"I'm also curious about that. My friend said that humans don't even live in Equestria, or even on this world. It would take an incredible amount of magic power to bring one here. It's something that only the princesses would be capable of."
"Princesses?"
"Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. They rule Equestria. Speaking of, I should tell them that a human has come to Equestria. Spike!"
"Yeah, yeah. I got it." he said.
"So... What exactly do you need help with?" she asked.
"Just figuring out how I got here, and why, is really all I want at the moment."
"What about getting back home?"
"Nah, I'll stay in Equestria for a while." I said, "What harm could it do?"
"I suppose."
I felt another wave of exhaustion, then a book fell from a shelf near Twilight. She jumped a little, then sighed and put it back on the shelf.
"Are you ok?" she asked me.
I put my hand on my head. "Just tired. And my head kinda hurts. C... can I have some water?"
She nodded, then got a chair with her magic. "Go ahead and rest."
She walked into her kitchen. Another wave of exhaustion, then the sound of broken glass, and a yelp of shock.
"You... ok..." I asked, a little woozy.
I didn't hear what she said.
'So tired...'
Wow, he seems to be taking this rather well.
Hm, I'll see where this leads. Seems interesting.
It's so fast paced, I like it...
Before i begin i want to make it perfectly clear that i like the idea for this story, and i am NOT saying that the story is god awful. The story has potential, it just needs to be refined.
that being said: Everything wrong with The Nightmare in the Moon, Chapter 1 (a cinema sins parody)
1:
...um....why is this here? I understand that it might be setting up that Phil is a brony, but it could have been done in a much better way, rather than....whatever the hell this was supposed to be.
2:
This is all the description the reader gets
3
This is ALSO just about the only description the reader gets of the Everfree Castle. Phil sounds very intelligent right now.
4:
Phil is a horrible brony, as everypony knows that the castle belonged to Both sisters, often times called 'the castle of the two pony sisters'
5:
Phil can't decide weather to talk to himself out loud or in his head
6:
Phil decides to stay in an old abandoned castle in the middle of an evil enchanted forest. Had he indulged in any horror story, he would know this is a Horrible idea.
Also, The worst Reaction Phil could possibly get from Ponyville would be the Zecora treatment, which is much better compared to being eaten by horrible monsters.
7:
Phil has already concluded that he is in equestria, so he should know that no one in their right mind would ever go near the everfree forest, let alone the Castle, so he should already be wary of the voice. One could argue that Zecora might go to the castle occasionally, but this voice is OBVIOUSLY not rhyming. Phil also has a very high opinion of himself (sarcasm). Nightmare moon is acting very childish.
8:
Author relies on readers previous knowledge Instead of supplying imagery. At this point we have no idea whether Nightmare moon is a pony or human, and she seems oddly accepting of an 'alien' knowing about her.
9:
This should have been revealed as nightmare moon appeared
10:
The reader gets almost no in sight into how either of them are feeling. For all we know, they're just having a friendly chat at this point. Also there are other words beside 'said' and 'asked' that can be used to show that someone is/was speaking.
11:
Page breaks/Transition missing. Was it really so hard to add "then i blacked out" or something? Also Phil doesn't seemed bothered that he can't remember what happened in said evil enchanted castle.
12:
Author relies on readers previous knowledge Instead of supplying imagery, again.
13:
Fluttershy would never open the door immediately to somepony she didn't know, let alone some unknown 'monster' from the everfree, even if it could talk. Phil is also very low on tact.
(i got lazy, sorry)
14:None of the ponies + spike care that an unknown creature is walking around town.
15:Fluttershy wouldn't give out her friends address to a total stranger, without at least going with.
16: why is Phil pretending that he doesn't know anybody, i mean the reason is obvious, but it is never actually said in the story.
17:The reader is not told how any character is feeling, making him/her feel detached from the story
18: None of the characters seem even the least bit interested by what is going on around them, once again detaching the reader from the story
19:and once again: Author relies on readers previous knowledge Instead of supplying imagery
FINAL NOTES: this fic is written like a rushed movie, minus video. All we get is dialogue without getting any images of what is going on. Hell we don't even know what Phil LOOKS LIKE. Not to mention the story moves so fast that the reader can't get a full idea of any one 'scene'.
Sin total: 19 (im being nice here)
Sentence: Everfree Castle; a happy place
Recommendations: ADD SOME IMAGRY also an editor/prereader would help too
(if this came off as mean spirited, i am sorry, as that was not the intention )
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WOW YOU HAVE THE AWARD FOR THE LONGEST COMENT EVER YOUR FINGERS MUST HERT AND I DON'T HAVE FINGERS BEING THE PRINCE OF THE DALEKS AND ALL