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In a remote village, ponies begin to disappear. Celestia sends Twilight and Fluttershy to investigate, but one of them already knows more about the situation than she is willing to reveal. At the same time, Celestia herself is about to complete a plan she has been harboring for a millennium.
Now with a prequel.
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Sounds interesting, I'd like to see where you go with this, faved for later.
-Mis
cant wait for the next chapter :D
Well, quite a nice story you have here! I really like the descriptive writing at the start...
Anyway, I noticed a few simple mistakes that might have escaped revision... Here it goes:
I think "died" would be better, since you're talking about the sobs, not the tears;
I wouldn't describe Celestia as white, but rather a very light pink... Kind of just a personal thing, I guess;
And finally, wasn't it sopposed to be a "that"?
Anyway, great story, and I'm excited to see how it'll go on! Already on my faves list!
4059046
Thanks for the compliment and for the corrections especially. There always seems to be room for those, no matter the quality of proofreading.
She definetly isn't merely white, and on that I can agree, although "pink" doesn't sound right to me either. It all depends on the lighting in the end, but I still need to find that peculiar shade of "white" that describes her just right (for me, at least). The depiction in this fic was kind of an evasion on my part.
4061064
I thought about pink because of her outline in the show, and usually those are just slightly darker than the pony's body color... In a true white pony, like Rarity, the outline is grey-ish, for example.
Anyway, you're welcome! If you ever need some proofreading, I'm most certainly always available!
4061899
Now that you mentioned...I could certiainly use an observant proofreader for the chapter II once I get to finish it. How about I link it to you then?
4062061
Sure! I'd love to work on such a proeminent story!
4062203
Two words: Yay! and Awesome!
This seems interesting, I suppose. There's not a lot to go on yet, but I'd like see where you go with this in the future.
Is English not your first language? I ask because you have sparse but fairly consistent verb tense and adjective problems in your story.
Specifically, the adjective use in the title is suggestive of a non-English Germanic language.And actually now that I look, your groups say you're Finnish, so ignore that last bit.I'd be happy to list out any problems I see, if you think it would be helpful.
Either way, the story's direction continues to be quite interesting (and mysterious!) and I look forward to seeing where you go with this.
Time for me to dawn my nitpick hat.
I'd recommend using dashes (--) instead of parentheses. Parentheses make it seem like you, the author, are talking, whereas dashes allow us to realize Twilight's abruptly shifted topic in the middle of her sentence.
I had to google "carmine" to figure out what the heck it was. Simply using "dark red" or, if you want to emphasis the "creepiness," "blood red" (even though that wouldn't be technically accurate) would do and not require readers to break from the story to figure out what it is.
Fanfics in which characters help a town only for everyone in that town to go missing are now 3-0 in not immediately reporting back that the town's gone missing. You can't exactly help if no one's there to receive the help.
I also gotta say that this is seeming kind of cliche. Creepy town where everyone's gone missing? Check. Isolated location that's difficult to bring in help? Check. Urban legend that's probably based on some truth? Check. Not bringing Spike along to enable quick communication because of some handwave reason? Check. All we're missing is the eldrich abomination at the heart of the spookiness to complete things.
Then there's the Tyrantlestia lurking on the horizon.
4084595
Your help would be very welcomed! Just say whether you want to make the corrections in gdocks or with PM or however you'd prefer.
4084922
Thanks for the tip about parenthesis; you were certainly right on ponting it out.
Truth be told, I don't regard this as my best story, either; it was the third ponyfic I ever wrote (also the third one I ever wrote In English), and the first version was practically unreadable. To my defense I have to say that while the plot has arguably remained somewhat faithful to the genre (of some horror category?), there is a twist coming that will (hopefully) salvage the whole from the abyss of ordinariness.
Also, your avatar creeps the hay out of me everytime I glance at it.
First!
Anyway, plot. Which is cool. Witch of the Shallows is interesting and I like the setting, swamps just work well for horror, for some reason.
Also: in the US, tit is slang for breast. Just thought you might want to know.
4175325
Hhahaha...first time anypony did that to one of my fics...
And yes, I'm aware of the double meaning of "tit". I was wondering if somepony would mention the fact.
Well, I'm confused.
Okay. Let me try to figure out what's going on.
Luna asks Fluttershy to do something in secret without telling Twilight. They know that something with teeth is eating ponies.
Celestia sends Twilight to investigate disappearances.
Fluttershy runs off (on Luna's orders) and starts playing with the wolves.
Twilight assumes she's been kidnapped, runs off after her, and kills one of the wolves. Fluttershy and Luna are not happy about this.
See, I was thinking that the point was to manipulate Twilight into doing something, but if they were just trying to keep the wolves hidden so that Twi wouldn't go off on them, I guess it sort of makes sense?
But then there's all the stuff about witches and some hidden thing Fluttershy has and Luna's obviously hiding something else, so I don't know.
4234253
I can agree with that summary. I can also concur that some explanations need to follow.
I'm confused, but good chapter!
4175325 As one of my friends would say...
I'll take this over for you Chaser.
"TITTIES!!! :D"
Eh? What was Celestia's message?
Memory manipulation rustles Robo's jimmies...
......i really dislike stories like this that portray celestia as wicked or manipulative. cause when i read them i look back and remember when she teased the cake couple about continuously refilling her cup, for treating her like royalty.
celestia does not view herself a god. nor would she have some twisted project at work. that is not who she is.
4390827
I'm sure we'll find that out in the next chapter.
4393434 Okay. Somehow it's hard to distinguish 'this is a mystery for now' from 'you should understand what this is talking about because it's referring to something that happened earlier'.
4392871
Or that was a nice facade put on by the Alicorn who happily manipulated her prize student and friends for years, including gambling their lives when she thought it'd help her push them into being what she wanted them to be.
I've always seen Celestia as a Lawful Evil type who puts on a good face.
4522033 In the Spike/Celestia comic, she kind of covers this. She pushes Twilight to do dangerous tasks that she could do easily because she thinks she'll succeed and it's what will help her grow. She does the same thing to Spike in the comic itself. Presumably, she does this to a lot of ponies.
Presumably, it gets some of them killed.
But otherwise she's stunting their development and leaving the entire country dependent on herself alone, and sometimes she's not enough.
4522515
It's why I have trouble buying the "Celestia is Good and Wonderful and Knows Best" schtick and prefer darker versions of Equestria. Pushing her student to grow, fine. Dropping her into some of the situations shown so far? Far from fine. In fact, the level of manipulation she uses on Twi and company and the extreme danger she pushes them into is why I consider her evil.
For example: Dragonshy. Was this a mission for a 6 untrained mares? Or perhaps a mission for the Royal Guard and some Royal Diplomats? Sending the Mane 6 alone was foolish and irresponsible.
And she is drastically stunting her country already. Her ponies are sheltered, defenseless xenophobes, a far cry from the Three Tribes they were originally(Though they were hardly perfect then). They rely on Celestia and Luna and a team of whatever heroes Celestia picked up off the street to handle practically everything.
A better system of education and training, as well as a distribution of authority would strengthen the country.
4522630 ...what the hell have you been watching?
think the largest problem is that celestia does not exactly hide many secrets nor prtend the world is perfectly safe either.
harmony is balance. she is peforming the lie of order, which only strengthens chaos as it prepares to break free of its binds.
First, to the author..
The fudge is going on here?
4522958
And I've been watching the same show as you. Our interpretations are just very different. I can respect that you see Celestia as a Good figure. I just happen to disagree and see her differently.
GOOD STUFF!! ad since g1 s confirmed has been confirm to somewhat happened (What with the reapperance of Tirek), that mean witches DID exist at one point, so good for you on that point. still something tells me celestia is going slightly bad. well i better read more to see what happen next.
4522033 Bullshit, from what i seen Celestia is good, however she wants to create a scenario so that they can Grow but that failed miserably. She had no idea that witch thing and the trap occured which means something nasty occuring, which mean Tirek arriving.
The only thing i can think would be causing this is Tirek (IN g1 he had a thing that can MUTATE creatures,) i can see him creating that trap and witch if he learn about Twilight sooner.
4524321
As I said to LM, we have differing interpretations of her actions. And those differences are a good thing. Produces a diverse and healthy fandom.
I am so confused (and mildly scared), but I trust that everything will be explained soon.
4523849
The questions may have the edge now, but I'm sure the answers will figure something out sooner or later. In the meantime, just enjoy the show.
By the way, I too (not totally obviously) agree more with your Sunbutt, although I feel that calling her "evil" would not quite suite my taste. Anyway, nice to see that the story managed to inspire little discussion in this respect.
Dewdrop is certainly interesting. Are we going to see more of her pov in the future?
4528300 Definetly.
Still have no idea what's going on and I'll be honest, it's starting to get a little frustrating. 40,000 words in and things are just as unclear as they were in chapter 1.
So, if I understand.
Celestia has this entire plan going on. Possibly, it drove her sister to become Nightmare Moon. She's using Damp Town for training and/or testing, because of a convenient string of deaths. Possibly as a tool for brain washing Twilight into helping her with her device that, I assume, allows one or many to outlast the universe. This plan apparently came into existence because Celestia is insane, wants companions as enduring as herself and fears her own inevitable demise. She considers the idea of a Witch to be ludicrous.(probably)
Luna has decided that Celestia is full of shit, hid the book from her and then decided to give the evil mind warping book back to Twilight. She's secretly screwing with The Plan.
Damp Town has a problem with a Witch, Witches, or a second animal has figured out that ponies are a prey species. It's unlikely that Celestia is behind whatever is doing this and is just using it to her advantage. Presumably, she'll be in for a surprise when Hydia pops up and kicks her so hard her cutie mark falls off.
That about the sum of it so far?
4674579 That is a most excellent summary, I'd say, albeit some points I had thougth otherwise. Luna was actually considering giving the book to Celestia, not to Twilight, although she certainly does have her doubts about the Device. Also, it's arbitrary whether big C is insane or just lonely, or just terrified of being alone.
Hydia? Haha! Right, I didn't even remember that the older gens had witches. How about that.
4676606
Hydia was an excellent villain. It's my firm conviction that the Changelings are a byproduct of what the Smooze did to the Flutterponies.
4677722 I can smell a fic right there.
4522958 Harmony may be balance, but who decides where the balance lies?
There's the little niggling detail so very very few ever bother to consider.
They also never take into account that the villains using balance as an excuse always plan to go 100% evil, thus destroying the 'balance' they claim as justification.
Frankly, I prefer the logical mode of thought: The universe doesn't really give a crap about good v evil. It just wants to make sure you don't try to reverse entropy.
These here are not the words of a happy, well-adjusted pony.
<alarm bell and warning klaxon sounds>
Great. She just used the universal justification for every heinous act and atrocity ever committed. All but guaranteed that things will go pear-shaped eventually...
Yessss. Take off and nuke the site from orbit. Its the only way to be sure! I like the way he thinks.
As Iron Will would say:
Evil witch cannot be found?
Burn the forest to the ground!
4935076 Hahha that rhyme hit the spot...