• Member Since 6th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Sunday

stanku


A pony from a machine.

Sequels1

T

The story continues in The Days of the Prophets.

A hundred years has passed since the Catastrophe, which meant the end the alicorns’ era. Now their graves make for the seat of a new power: the Parliament of Equestria, where the “three stand as one, now as before and forever”. The motto of the Parliament, inscribed in stone for all to see.

Just wipe away the blood first.

Picture by Saara Reinikainen

Proofread by: ponygrad

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 106 )

Well that's certainly an interesting start. :rainbowderp:

Well ... If Para liked it, it merits investigation.

~Skeeter The Lurker

5299512 Such impress. Very flattering.

Good so far, I'll be keeping an eye on it.

30 views is a criminally low count, wow.

Well, colour me interested...

For some time, they only looked at the cadaver. A mare, probably in her twenties. A light-pink coat with slightly deeper colored mane and tail, both messed by water and blood.

Pinkie Pie? Seems like her, but I'm not sure if the Element Bearers are alive in this story and how old they are...

Edit: re-read the description. It's not Pinkie.

5300371 It is not.

However...

Well, colour me intrigued.

Well you certainly know how to write a good hook in your synopsis. Let's see where this goes.

So, after a thousand years of peace the likes of which humanity has NEVER experienced, one century passes and the ponies have become as horrible as humanity.

Unless Grimdark Discord F'd the hell out of all their minds, I can't buy it.

5496696 Who says the thousand years were peaceful? We really don't know but a fraction of their events. Anyway, the lack of alicorns, along with dwindling resources, might be a factor. Or not, it really depends on how noble one considers the ponies to be au naturel. HWE showed that when the chips are down and no demigods are around, they tend to go for the nearest throat that's not theirs.

This is quite an interesting story. You have me wondering where this will go next and so far none of your twists have come from the deep left field.

5526562 Thanks! But isn't this a bit contradictory?

You have me wondering where this will go next and so far none of your twists have come from the deep left field.

Or did I misunderstand the idiom somehow?

5526957
I did not write it clearly, my apologies. Each twist you have in your story is foreshadowed but, at least for me, they are only noticeable in hindsight.

with stick and the king hart is not going to last long.

5530483 You have the coolest Rarity face pic I've seen in my whole life.

Is it weird that Stick is my favourite character?

5536618 Well, he'd be my second choice. Depends on how high you value sanity, I guess. And rhymes.

Well, things are getting very interesting now.

I am in the dark a bit more than would like to be, it does help the audience relate to the characters but i think i prefer it when we(the audience) have the amalgamated knowledge of several characters or the story is being narrated by the lead like in a flash back.
i cant wait to see where this is going and hope to see some vail somewhere lifted.

5581703 Ooh there's going to be a veil alright.

Huh, strange that there are no comments on a pretty important chapter.

5624431 There are now!

I'm thinking maybe ending this in two more chapters. Might be a stretch, but we'll see.

5624555

Looking forward to it, though to be honest I thought this would run a bit longer than that.

I love it when a story starts in a loony bin.

Hmm...
Canterlot turned Ankh-Morpork (minus the fun side), complete with most of the Night Watch cast and Carcer and an actually evil Vetinari person. Who wants to become an Alicorn using the cutiemarks?
Apart from the really interesting Griffon world building this almost reads like a crossover.
In a good way, mind you.
Good writing, good job.

5752141 Thanks! You're the first one who noticed (or mentioned) the connection to Pratchett: it is indeed intentional. It kind of stressed me to think I'd be just copying instead of crossing over, though - it's a relief to see someone at least saw the allusion in a positive light.

5753204 thanks for the reply! Now that I'm sure you're reading this I'd love to leave a real comment. :twilightsmile:

I think you did well 95% of the time; I especially like how you gave Canterlot the real feel of 'The Shades' in Pratchett's 'Morpork. A very dark place when you expand it to a whole city. Heart is obviously inspired by Vimes but in a good way with a distinctly own character that doesn't feel copied. He even shows his disdain for the (Day-) Unityguard; I thought that a nice nod to the inspiration's origin.

The only place that stood out to me as coming too close to copying and therefore slightly jarring was Constable Visit's (Constable Visit-the-Infidels-with-Explanatory-Pamphlets) alter ego. It's of course a matter of taste, but I'd edit that one bit out since it's not relevant to the plot in any way. One could also rewrite it thoroughly, but that would be a lot of work for something non-essential.

Apart from all this your writing is pleasingly good on a technical level despite the minor glitches here and there. They aren't jarring and therefore don't disturb the flow. I only found one really humorous one that could have been from Douglas Adams in its weirdness: when Heart and the Chancellor ride through the city in a couch instead of a coach... my brain instantly produced the image of a red chesterfield sofa floating through the crowded streets. :rainbowlaugh:

Anyway, you're really good at creating the dark and opressive atmosphere and the sense of dread that hangs over the decaying city and its inhabitants. Your main cast is pleasingly deep and even the side characters come to life nicely most of the time. I'm intrigued by the scheming chancellor who unexpectdly stopped coming across as purely evil after the scene with chip; I'm invested in Heart's quest and his fate while also being really annoyed by him and I'm fascinated and horrified by your portayal of Stick. You really instill a feeling of being creeped out by him.

Hey look, an essay.
Do carry on.

5753314 In truth I owe to Pratchett more than I know: Brightmail is a case in point as you mentioned, and I agree that the fine line between a copy and an inspiration was crossed there. At the time it felt right to include such an obvious reference, just to drive the point home about the general Pratchett-ness of Dark Canterlot, but in hindsight the character could've done with some more tuning, just to make him stand out on his own. Leaving him out isn't a bad option either, but I have general qualms with interfering with the story after publication.

Stick, too, has his roots in the Discworld, in the fellow lunatic Teatime, although the rhyme thing I picked from Reek. Mentally unstable personalities are tough to craft to be original enough, for the type is quite common in fiction. Still, I'm really glad he appeals to you, along with the other major characters. It's the essay-comments such as yours that drive the writer in me: for that, I remain grateful.

*Carries on with pleasure.*

This is a really interesting story. I expected a much vaguer, legend-style tragic story from the summary, but this is something I really want to follow to conclusion.

5753585 I definitely got a Sergeant Colon feel from Cowl :ajsmug:

5765807 The type is somewhat categorical, although I doubt that Colon would lose his sleep over an odd bribe.

And that's one cutie Wuna you got there, if I may so myself. Makes me wanna throw her into the plot.

Haven't read it yet but let me say that your story description is marvelous. :moustache:

The motto of the Parliament, inscribed in stone for all to see.
Just wipe away the blood first.

5816675 Well thank you!

Kay, I'm guessing Feinsake's trying to collect the cutie marks so she can birth an alicorn (possible reincarnation of Celestia?) through some pagan voodoo bullshit. Though Lily not having a mark yet throws something of a wrench into that plan, can't get together the Elements without magic, after all.

5818375 Spoilers ahead!

Yeah, you're on the right tracks, the wrench included. Dunno if it's exactly voodoo she's trying, though.

Maybe Hill is still alive, there is no fighting and everything is fine.

5822707 You mean Hilt? Nah, I'd rather see him return as a zombie, should it come to that.

Because world needs more pony zombies.

5822740 “You are Hill Lock, my bodyguard assigned from the Citizen Guard."- Feinsake

But, you know maybe Hill Lock is ok

5822762 Right. Can't remember my own characters anymore.

The zombie option remains open, though.

5822948 A harmony zombie perhaps?

And yes I am Voopthudoop, I lost my account and the story I was writing on it.

5822955 "Rainbooows! Need raaaaainboows!"

Nah, that's just dum.

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