• Member Since 7th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

Dalkrin-the-Wanderer


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Magic Fall. A phrase that conjures in the minds of ponies, a time of great strife and death, when magic abandoned pony-kind and left them to fend for themselves in a hostile world. Luna now sits alone on the throne as she has for the last one thousand years and watches as technology slowly but surely fills the gap that was left.

The Worlds Fair is in full swing in Canterlot and with the launch of the first ever Celestia Class airship, 'The Harmony', many predict a new era of peace is to come. But when disaster strikes and nearly takes the princess out of the picture, one pony who dreamed of flight will take to the skies and save Equestria.

This is the story of RAINBOW DASH and her MARVELOUS MECHANICAL WINGS...

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 116 )

Well, chapter one was fun. The story gets more interesting later but I'm getting used to Rainbow not having wings. It's difficult cause I constantly imagine her at least three feet above the ground at all times anyway. :rainbowlaugh:

Bonus points if you can guess where Sepia Tock comes from!

Just reading the description, this immediately reminded me of the Butterfly Island movie.

"Ponies that fly? Now really, darling!" -- Rainbow Dash

"I'm not sure I believe in flying ponies..." -- Pinkie Pie

I liked this story quit a bit. You have an above-par writing style, and a good sense of humor. There are numerous small errors that are easy to notice though, but they could all be fixed with a little more pre-reading, or maybe enlisting the aid of an editor (I'm terrible at pre-reading my own work, so that's what I've started doing :derpytongue2:).

I'm interested in the concept, so I'll follow this story to see how it, and your writing, progresses.

For some reason, your description made me think of my own story "Secret of the Pegasi," which has very little if anything in common with this.
But then... :pinkiegasp: SEPIA TOCK :pinkiehappy:. Just for that, I'm tracking you. I edited Sepia Tock, so I'm quite pleased with how well you've taken the concept and run with it. I know CanvasWolfDoll will be happy too. :raritywink:

Oh, all of my yes.

I love all the artwork of Dash with steampunk wings. I don't why, I just do.

So, if this is an alternate universe where everyone is an earth pony, I'm guessing there is no magic either? Are Celestia and Luna earth ponies too? How do they move the sun and moon if thats the case? Just curious.

huh. i actually read some fanfic. not sure why.

anyways, as thank you for using sepia tock, i will now rant at you and tell you how i think you can improve this. i hope i don't come off as overcritical or arrogant, i just want to help:

you should work on establishing wingless dash a little more. as my learned mental image of her is a pegasus, you will need to retrain the reader to see dash as an earth pony. i would recommend you take a little time at the beginning to do some establishment of the world: is the one change that dash is no longer a pegasus? are pegasii still an existing breed, or are they nonexistent in this alternative world? what about unicorns? any other changes? you should be able to easily insert some world building before the jump to sepia tock's shop.

it's also a little dialogue heavy, so you should try and add a little more action between the dialogue. not much, just a little more to lighten the load carried by dialogue. tiny, minor actions between lines can help bring life to the story, and make the characters seem real. try analyzing actors in a play, or movie, or something, and watch what they do as they deliver there lines, then try and emulate the stage business in your writing.

so... yea... that's my thoughts. feel free to ignore any or all my criticisms as you see fit. i just feel, when commenting, it's my duty to give advice. because i'm over critical and arrogant.

as an aside, if i ever do find myself writing more fanfic, i'll have to remember the clock shop is on fillyton street

279376

I'm pleased to see that my little tip of the hat has reached you already, first off, and I'm flattered that even though you don't read fan-fiction, you read mine. And I do hope you can find a way to move on with Sepia Tock's story. I really enjoyed reading it. I hope I treated his character well.

now to address your totally legitimate critiques. I wrote this in a couple hours so the world building isn't there yet. I'm considering writing a prelude to fix that because I'm a firm believer that once a chapter is posted for the world to see, it's done and shouldn't be changed overmuch

The question of represented races is answered in the description. There are only Earth Ponies living in Equestria. I'm not sure yet if the princesses are Alicorns or not but I'll need to decide that forthwith.

And I totally agree with you on the Dialog issue. I do usually write with more description and in a Steampunk world, it's basically a necessity to add depth to the setting. Future chapters should be a bit better now that the idea's alive in my noggin.

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i didn't actually read the description. vulpin sent me a link to the first chapter, so i read based off that. that's something you should probably consider.

i have the same chapter upload policy as you, so that's understandable.
(i also tend to write stuff within the same time frame as you.)

i tend to suffer from heavy dialogue in my writings due to years of drawing comics leaving the direct writing in dialogue, so i am very mindful of trying even out description and talk.

anyways, i've thrown this on my track list, and i hope to watch the story involved. good luck and good fun!

"fiddly widdly"
Can't tell if Doctor Who or just Pinkie.

Bravo either way, I'm liking this so far. Steampunk-esque stories are usually fun reads

308154

Lol. Hopefully, the next chapter will be up by Monday.

And that is chapter 2.

I must apologize for the time it took here.

Well, this just got more complicated.
Limited magic in the world, alternate timeline involving Celestia falling rather than Luna... I think I know why there are no pegasi or unicorns in this Equestria anymore.
So, I'm assuming Nightmare Moon never occurred. How then did the Mane 6 (or at least Twilight and Rarity) meet?:rainbowhuh:

You should go back through this with another editing pass my friend, you failed to capitalize "Twilight" in several places.
I would have liked to see Twilight's presentation; it would have been a nice world-building scene.

Oh my goodness... I'm horrible people... weeks and weeks and this is all I have for you guys... And for some reason, I started two new stories... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!:fluttershbad:

It has been a while; I almost forgot this story takes place in a nearly magic-free world.

Besides the occasional spelling goof, I have only one note:
:rainbowhuh: Changelings? Out in public in Canterlot? I find that hard to buy.

1011493

This being the World's Fair, all hostilities have been temporarily suspended to promote good will between nations, this does not exclude the Changelings. Typically, one out in Canterlot would be cause for suspicion but lacking magic, there's not a lot that can be done about them.

1014360
:applejackunsure: Still little hard to swallow.

1014553

I can respect that. You're probably right. I got to thinking about how to explain it, but realized it won't likely come up in the narrative so I may go in and remove mention of them.

(Edit: That's exactly what I decided to do.)

1014577
I prefer to believe that the changelings are still there, but now nopony notices because they're all disguised.:pinkiecrazy:

1020826

That's kinda what I decided was going on. Even if they're there, there's not a whole lot that can be done about it, so in regards to changelings it's still business as usual. There's probably a dedicated unit within the royal guard that specifically investigates changeling activity in Equestria and now i've gone and given myself a new idea for a story to set in this universe... Damn...

Also, Chrysalis is likely gonna make an appearance representing her nation for the World's Fair seeing as the general public wouldn't be so accepting of regular Changelings wandering about freely.

Had to check the previous chapter just to recap just what the hay was going on in this story besides Rainbow building herself wings (having forgotten that Pinkie helped by actually building them). Oh, and the whole magic was gone entirely (sorta) thing...
Please don't take as long for chapter 4, when stories take months to update, I forget that I was even reading them

:applecry: I've been a Baaaad pony.... And i apologize... Anyone who still cares, here's Chapter 4 of Rainbow Dash and her Marvelous Mechanical Wings...

Edit: Just realized, It's been over a year since I last updated this... Of course noone cares. Silly me. lol

3613665 I thought this story was dead. Glad to see it isn't and eagerly awaiting to see where you take this.

3613685

Le' gasp! someone cares. Now I'm shocked... (Totally not being sarcastic here, My flabber is well and truly ghasted...)

Ooookayyy.... on the feature box... damn... that was unexpected.

I love when I find little gems like this hidden in the rough. I'm very rarely interested in a fanon world but this one caught my attention. Dialogue and story are decent as well. You've got my attention :).

3613812 Glad to see that my work can catch new interest. I was a bit worried for it after my last bout of Wandering. I think I'll stick around for a bit now though.

Forever is one word, check your summary :twilightblush:

3613855

Fixed! Much appreciated. Needed to rewrite that anyway.

AMAZING! This is one of the best alternate equestria stories I've ever read!:pinkiehappy: I give a tip of the hat to thee sir!:ajsmug: Please do keep this story in that box by adding more chapters, you deserve it.
Also, I have a serious case of the feels right now!:rainbowkiss:

3613984

Well thank you for your glowing review! I hope I can keep up the motivation to write it. If people keep coming in and praising me, it shouldn't be a problem! :trixieshiftleft:

3613989
Only the sharpest of observations for the sharpest of writers, good sir!:twilightsmile: You deserve my praise and more. Please,:trixieshiftright: we implore of thee moar.

3614005

You'll be pleased to know that I've begun work on the fifth chapter. So tell me sir, and be honest. Where can I improve in your opinion?

3613690 Yes I care. I cared back in 2012 when I found this and I still care now. I'm always depressed when a good looking fic just dies

3614033

Well I hope you'll accept this humble Wanderer's Apology for that. I meant no harm and I'm ashamed that I let a good fic suffer for my stunted attention span.

3614009
Oh-ho! Talented and humble!
I can only suggest that you add some more character building (not that there isn't any, of course). The flow of your story is quite good, but I feel that your chapters could be extended ever so slightly with that little thought from the protagonist (no thought when it could be pertinent should be excluded, especially when it gives us a glance into the character's thought process!).
But my petty observations aside, I feel that you are certainly no foal in this writing game.:pinkiehappy:
But most importantly, have fun! Don't allow your critics to kill a potential masterpiece! Please, swagger on good sir.:moustache:

3614061

Dankashen Herr Lonlydarkness. Much appreciated. I'll see what I can do on that front as it is a valid critique. Not a necessary change but it is one I would like to see myself. Thanks.

3614072
Du ist willkommen, Herr Dalkin. (and although this is actually Austrian,) Ciao! (Still has the same meaning as the Italian 'goodbye' though)

3614039 No apology is needed. The chapters do quite nicely

3614325

Well, I'm working on the next one now. SO prepare yourself for some more steam Tech-y Ponies!

3614340 As your avatar says "Bring it on!"

3614542

Almost done with the rough. in other words, Consider it brung. I intend to do two chapters today to make up for my absence.

3614562 Two in one day... Nice recovery!

3614581

Yup! Gonna be a bit less action-y but that's to be expected. This isn't Crank...

Don't forget the rest of the story, Dash. Daedelus's wings invention had a 1:2 failure rate. :rainbowderp:

Celestia locked up like Hannibal Lecter? Should be an interesting reveal!

What was that light was Tyrant Sun escaping. I do hope that you guys are ready for a fight because things are about to get nasty.

So... I rewrote the fifth chapter, said all the same things but somehow tripled the length... go me?

Mneeeeh. I could help you write this. I have ideas for TechnoQuestria.

3778335 I would love to hear your ideas. I'm always looking for new views on my work to help push me forward with writing.

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