Rainbow Dash and her Marvelous Mechanical Wings:
“I got the idea from the old mares tale of the Father and son trapped in a labyrinth,” Rainbow Dash said, gesticulating wildly in her mounting excitement. “I can't remember what it's called but in it, the father's a real egghead and he makes a set of wings for his son out of feathers and wax so that he can get away, but the kid goes too high. The sun melts the wax and he falls into the sea and drowns. I know it doesn't end too good for the kid but the idea of flying. Oh man. Just think! No more walking, no more long trips between cities. All that freedom.” She heaved a wistful sigh, plopping onto her haunches.
Rainbow Dash had been pacing in front of Pinkie Pie, rambling about the idea she'd had for a set of clockwork wings. Unfortunately, she was no egghead and lacked the technical know-how to pull it off. Pinkie on the other hoof was a maverick mechanist, renowned across Equestria. At last tally, she had nearly a score of patients under her belt. She listened intently, her mind abuzz, not only with ideas for the project that the sky blue pony before her was pitching but also three separate and wholly unique ways to make strawberry pineapple upside down cake. She resolved on option two and then spoke.
“Oh! This sounds like so much fun!” Pinkie all but shrieked with her usual exuberance. Dash smiled gratefully as the Pink mare began rummaging through a drawer in her workshop above the kitchen in Sugarcube Corner. “We're gonna need to talk to Sepia Tock to get some gearwork and machining done, but beyond that, I should have all the materials here! I've even got a tab at his store. Speaking of... I should probably pay that one of these days... How much was it? Twenty... No Twenty five thousand bits... Hmm...”
“Sepia who?” Rainbow dash queried, as she watched Pinkie toss random objects from within the drawer across the room. At her interjection, Pinkie froze and looked at Rainbow quizzically.
“Sepia Tock! The Clocksmith?” Dash continued to look confused. With an unamused expression Pinkie levelly said, “Dr. Whooves... He hates that name by the way. Always has. He and Colgate run the Clock Shop on Fillyton street.”
“Oh! Him? I've seen him all over the place. Brown colt with the hourglass cutie mark.”
“That's him! Sepia Tock. Master Clocksmith, and absolutely not a Time-traveling pony from space.” Pinkie returned to her rummaging, tossing several unlikely items out onto the floor behind her until finally, she emerged with a large notepad and stylus in her mouth. “Now Dashie. Before we get started, There's a very important question I have to ask you.”
“Alright Pinks. Shoot.”
“Do you like raspberry or boysenberry in your pancakes?”
Rainbow paused for a moment, looking incredulously at the utterly serious expression on the pink mare's face. Resigned to the inevitable, she sighed. “Raspberry...”
“Alright! Now, about these wings...”
---
“No! Absolutely not!”
Sepia Tock glowered at the grinning pink mare before him. Here she was again, a debtor to him that owed nearly enough to cover his operating costs and mortgage for the next year and she had the nerve, the unabashed gall to ask him to extend her more credit! Colgate stood off to the side, her disapproving look boring into the side of Sepia's head.
“No Pinkie. I won't say it again.”
“Awww. Please, Mr. Tock! It's really super-duper important! And It's not even for me!”
“Pinkie! You owe my shop over twenty thousand bits!” He all but shouted, tossing his hooves in the air in exasperation.
“Twenty-Five Thousand,” Pinkie corrected. Sepia gave her a very level look.
“I can't keep doing this. You need to start paying this money back. I mean it Pinkie.”
“I know, and I Pinkie Pie Promise, This will be the last time I ask you until I pay you back! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!” Pinkie even went through the accompanying motions, skillfully avoiding jabbing herself in the eye like most others who did the promise happened to.
“I cannot believe you're even considering doing this!” Colgate said as she watched Sepia's resolve fade. “This mare's inventions never sell! They're all too... Too Weird! We're lucky she's not put us out of business. If you didn't sell to that purple mare from the library, we'd be bankrupt right now!”
“Well, it's either take Pinkie at her word or listen to her beg us until we give in. You remember what happened last time?”
Colgate visibly shuddered. “Three weeks... I don't think she slept once. Fine. I see your point, but I swear on Luna's Bucking Moon, this is the last time.” She turned to Pinkie Pie, a dead serious look in her eye. “The... Last... Time... Tock, you take care of this. I've still gotta finish repairing the Mayor's clock.” With one more disapproving look at the two ponies before her, Colgate turned and left the room.
“Alright, Miss Pie. What'll it be?” he said, pulling a large book from beneath the counter and laying it before the pink mare. She leafed through the pages and jotted several product numbers and quantities down on an order slip, which she hoofed over to Sepia. Taking the paper, he began rummaging through several boxes and crates behind the counter and collecting various gears and components. “I really hope you know what you're doing this time Pinkie.”
“Oh, I said before, It's not me! I'm just helping a friend with their idea this time.”
Sepia Tock shook his head and boxed up the last of the Mare's orders. “That should be it. And good luck.”
“Thanks! Oh, yeah! You'll be at the party this weekend right? It's Twilight's 'Congratulations on your newest invention' Party! She's been getting a lot of those... Huh...”
“Wouldn't miss it for the world Pinkie. Now, will there be anything else or can I actually get some paid work done?”
“Nope! All done. I'll see you at the Party Sepia!” Pinkie chirped, with the box of components balanced squarely on her head. With her trademark smile, she trotted from the store. Sepia Tock heaved a sigh of relief.
“Colgate,” Sepia called, making his way into the back room where Colgate had retreated. “make sure to check the escapements again. It seems like they're sticking occasionally.”
“Check them yourself, Tock. I've gotta find out how we're gonna pay the mortgage and cover overhead. I won't be taking a pay cut because you can't say no to that pink mare.”
Sepia let his head sink to the worktable with a solid thump. This was going to be a long day.
---
Pinkie was busily tinkering in her workshop when there was a knock at the door. Carefully, she set her tools aside and gingerly removed her goggles and proceeded to bounce merrily to the door. Jerking it open, her gleeful smile was met with an exhausted Rainbow Dash who was lugging a very large bundle on her back.
“Here it is Pinks. The pinion and skeletal construct for the wings. All to spec,” She said, wearily trotting into the workshop. “You have no idea how difficult it is to hold all those gears in place and fit the joints together.” Carefully, she shrugged the bundle off her back and onto a bare workbench that Pinkie had led her to.
“I'm sure you did a super-duper-great job Dashie. I'm still trying to fabricate the drive motor but some of these parts are so fiddly-widdly.”
“I really appreciate you helping me with this Pinks,” Rainbow said, as she inspected the incomplete drive system. “It really means a lot to me.”
“Awww, it's no problem Dashie! I'm always ready to help a friend, and besides. I was getting bored,” Pinkie replied, reaching past the cyan mare to tweak some loose parts on the drive motor. “My automatic Cupcake Cannon got confiscated last month, and with the Worlds Fair in Canterlot right now, so many ponies are gone that I'd feel guilty throwing any parties if they couldn't come. Thank goodness it's over this weekend!”
“Yeah! Twi's party is gonna be awesome!” Rainbow Dash pumped a hoof in the air with only slightly contained excitement. “I wanna show her our wings, get her professional opinion on the design.”
Pinkie gave a gasp like a bellows as the idea struck home. “Ohhh! We could totally get help from her getting funding to make more! I'm sure Somepony in the Equestrian Academy of Sciences and Technology would be interested! Oh and then, when we get the funding, I can throw a 'thanks for the funding' party! We can have cake and ice cream and games and all kinds of neato things!”
Rainbow Dash's smile only faltered for a second as her excitable friend took wing on the winds of sugar that apparently powered her through the day, and it returned in force when she actually got to thinking about what Twilight might be able to help them with. Her excitement was beginning to swell before a bit of reality drove itself home as Pinkie's spastic flailing knocked the workbench and several small and undoubtedly important components from the drive motor went 'ping' off into the corners.
They still had to build the darn things.
Well, chapter one was fun. The story gets more interesting later but I'm getting used to Rainbow not having wings. It's difficult cause I constantly imagine her at least three feet above the ground at all times anyway.
Bonus points if you can guess where Sepia Tock comes from!
Just reading the description, this immediately reminded me of the Butterfly Island movie.
"Ponies that fly? Now really, darling!" -- Rainbow Dash
"I'm not sure I believe in flying ponies..." -- Pinkie Pie
I liked this story quit a bit. You have an above-par writing style, and a good sense of humor. There are numerous small errors that are easy to notice though, but they could all be fixed with a little more pre-reading, or maybe enlisting the aid of an editor (I'm terrible at pre-reading my own work, so that's what I've started doing ).
I'm interested in the concept, so I'll follow this story to see how it, and your writing, progresses.
For some reason, your description made me think of my own story "Secret of the Pegasi," which has very little if anything in common with this.
But then... SEPIA TOCK . Just for that, I'm tracking you. I edited Sepia Tock, so I'm quite pleased with how well you've taken the concept and run with it. I know CanvasWolfDoll will be happy too.
Oh, all of my yes.
I love all the artwork of Dash with steampunk wings. I don't why, I just do.
So, if this is an alternate universe where everyone is an earth pony, I'm guessing there is no magic either? Are Celestia and Luna earth ponies too? How do they move the sun and moon if thats the case? Just curious.
huh. i actually read some fanfic. not sure why.
anyways, as thank you for using sepia tock, i will now rant at you and tell you how i think you can improve this. i hope i don't come off as overcritical or arrogant, i just want to help:
you should work on establishing wingless dash a little more. as my learned mental image of her is a pegasus, you will need to retrain the reader to see dash as an earth pony. i would recommend you take a little time at the beginning to do some establishment of the world: is the one change that dash is no longer a pegasus? are pegasii still an existing breed, or are they nonexistent in this alternative world? what about unicorns? any other changes? you should be able to easily insert some world building before the jump to sepia tock's shop.
it's also a little dialogue heavy, so you should try and add a little more action between the dialogue. not much, just a little more to lighten the load carried by dialogue. tiny, minor actions between lines can help bring life to the story, and make the characters seem real. try analyzing actors in a play, or movie, or something, and watch what they do as they deliver there lines, then try and emulate the stage business in your writing.
so... yea... that's my thoughts. feel free to ignore any or all my criticisms as you see fit. i just feel, when commenting, it's my duty to give advice. because i'm over critical and arrogant.
as an aside, if i ever do find myself writing more fanfic, i'll have to remember the clock shop is on fillyton street
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I'm pleased to see that my little tip of the hat has reached you already, first off, and I'm flattered that even though you don't read fan-fiction, you read mine. And I do hope you can find a way to move on with Sepia Tock's story. I really enjoyed reading it. I hope I treated his character well.
now to address your totally legitimate critiques. I wrote this in a couple hours so the world building isn't there yet. I'm considering writing a prelude to fix that because I'm a firm believer that once a chapter is posted for the world to see, it's done and shouldn't be changed overmuch
The question of represented races is answered in the description. There are only Earth Ponies living in Equestria. I'm not sure yet if the princesses are Alicorns or not but I'll need to decide that forthwith.
And I totally agree with you on the Dialog issue. I do usually write with more description and in a Steampunk world, it's basically a necessity to add depth to the setting. Future chapters should be a bit better now that the idea's alive in my noggin.
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i didn't actually read the description. vulpin sent me a link to the first chapter, so i read based off that. that's something you should probably consider.
i have the same chapter upload policy as you, so that's understandable.
(i also tend to write stuff within the same time frame as you.)
i tend to suffer from heavy dialogue in my writings due to years of drawing comics leaving the direct writing in dialogue, so i am very mindful of trying even out description and talk.
anyways, i've thrown this on my track list, and i hope to watch the story involved. good luck and good fun!
"fiddly widdly"
Can't tell if Doctor Who or just Pinkie.
Bravo either way, I'm liking this so far. Steampunk-esque stories are usually fun reads
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Lol. Hopefully, the next chapter will be up by Monday.
Don't forget the rest of the story, Dash. Daedelus's wings invention had a 1:2 failure rate.
Well sorry for getting to this so late gotten distracted. For the story I do say I liked it however it wasn't what I expected, from my understanding the description it made the story sound as if Equestria had lost its magic and twilight and her friends had to cope without it, while from what I could gather in the first chapter it feels as if magic wasn't there to begin with. Not since magic fall anyway.
Take for example RDs interest in the story, she told pinkie it feels as if RD always wanted to fly like its her dream rather then nostalgia and remembering the good days when magic was in equestria and she could feel the wind blow through her mane that kinda thing.
But that could just be me as stated earlier it is a good first chapter just not what I initially expected.
Perhaps as I continue this story it might explain some things. ^^
This is an interesting story. I saw in the description that Luna is now the sole ruler of Equestria. I wonder how that will all pan out in the future.
Ok.
Alright.
I'll bite.
Had this in my Read Later list when I saw it a few days back... Glad I tagged it then as this is pretty damn good so far.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Interesting. I like Steampunk just fine, but Diesel is normally my deal.