- Member Since 7th Jun, 2013
- offline last seen Oct 29th, 2023
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I am nothing great, just a pony who enjoys reading great stories and trying my best to tell some myself.
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Joined 7th Jun, 2013 ·
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maybe you could add a bonus chapter about Celestia's reaction to catching them having sex
"Twilight didn’t fight back; instead she kissed back with just as much feeling as Luan."
but good first clop
3266957
I thought I got that one.
3266982 ??
3267007
I was the pre-reader.
3267272 ok
Were there any snakes on it?
I don't get it. Your story has two spelling errors in the catch bit, and constant grammar errors within. As far as I can tell, it's a very English as a second language story, with nothing profound inside. No moving story, no conflict, just clop. I posted a mature story about the same time on the same day. It's a little longer, but it's also more... everything. And yet, somehow, someway, yours is significantly better than mine if you go by ratings and views. I don't understand at all. I don't know what you did, but congrats on that. As far as first clop goes, I'd give you advice but I guess I should be looking for advice from you. I'm not ragging on you or anything, I'm just confused. This is pretty good for somebody ESL. I guess I'll help clean up the first paragraph, even though that's not important.
1The lavender mare was busy cuddling a pillow as she drools on it. 2Trying to sleep with wings was still so very new to her. 3Every time she would get comfortable, her wings would pop out and it seem that sleep would be out of hands reach yet again as there was a knock at the door. 4 The knocking at the door didn’t seem to stop, it just keep going. 5 Letting out the biggest sigh she had, not bothering to even put on any pj’s, Twilight opened her bedroom door in her bra and panties. 6 Spike ran right into her, his head landed right in between her breast.
1. Should be: Twilight cuddled her pillow as she drooled on it.
2. Could be: Trying to sleep with wings was still new to her.
3. Should be: Every time she would get comfortable, her wings popped out . It seemed that sleep would be out of her reach yet again as there was a knock at the door, jarring her awake(Or anything descriptive of what happens due to the knock)
4. Should be: The knocking at the door didn’t stop, it just kept going
5. Should be: Letting out the biggest sigh she had, Twilight opened her bedroom door in her underwear. Her sleep addled mind couldn't bother with her pajamas.
6. Should be: Spike ran right into her, his head landed right in between her breasts
There are many more corrections that could be done on just this, the first paragraph alone. But that depends on how deep you wanna go. At least this makes it...
You know what? I'm bitter. Great story. Have an upvote. Sorry I'm an asshole.
3269762
Please don't be sorry. I'm am at a lose just as you. I wrote this story thinking that it wouldn't be good, that it was just to get my hooves wet. Would it be bad to tell you that English is my first language. And I would love to hear some hints and tips from someone else. If you have any thing else that you think needs fixing in the story. Send me a pm and I would to hear what I need to fix. I'm always looking to better myself. So again, please don't be sorry. I feel that you have nothing to be sorry about.
Another Chapter, With Celestia Reaction Plz
Sometimes stories that you put a lot of effort in don't do as well, because it is more finely tooned to a speecific demographic. While stories that are writen because you are bored do well because more people can follow it. I've had it happen to me, I know.
Anyway, I love the clop and Luna is my favorite. What else can I say?
Yeah, I can't read this. Grammar errors all over the place.
sooo it contains?.....
I wish I was in the middle. I've had a crush on Luna ever since I saw her.
There needs to be more of this, seriously I want to know what happens next.
Wow, I might just have to do a second chapter for this story.
3364926 Wow, this one almost got me. I'm impressed, it's sad though that it was ruined when Celestia came in. Now using her horn, that's a new one, and the whole "wingboner" thing was kinda strange.
3271654 I have to agree with you on this one I'd like to see celestia's reaction.
3271654
3400635
It looks like I should write another part for this story.
3400643
Oh, Yes Fully
3269762
2. Would be wrong, It would be: Trying to sleep with wings that were still new to her.
3488787
Yeah, I was being a dick. It was one of those days where I posted a very long fucked up story and got like 10 views, and this guy had like way more. I was totally fucking jealous. So I was in a shitty mood. Still, as a policy I don't delete comments. Even ones that prove I'm an asshole or make me sound retarded.
3400643
Keep writing, man Practice makes perfect, and there's no reason to not be awesome at everything!
Sorry I'm a dick sometimes.
3492528
It's okay. I understand. I was thinking that this story was going to suck big time. I just have that mind set that everything I write will suck big time and sometimes I am right. I want to wish you luck on your writing.
3492553 This is a awesome story!
Tia! You don't go and ruin peoples sexy times like that!
3562090
What if Tia want sexy time with Twilight first?
3562493
That's easy. Sexy royal threesome.
3563994
Is it okay if I borrow it for a few days? 
That isn't a bad idea for a bonus chapter.
3564445
Sure. I'm already busy writing my own royal clopfic, if you would.
3564549
Thank you. The royal's love life's are no longer safe.
3564557
Neither is Nightmare Moon's
3564565
we could have a five-way of royals.
3564579
Oh sweet baby Jesus, the royal family of Equestria will never be the same.
3564583
AH YEAH... The kingdom will be in love with the new scoop.
i loved it~
3627968
Thank you, I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
well
Well that was entertaining i love it
Is it wrong that I enjoyed reading this in a way?
(btw i'm not a guy)
Framed
I liked it so much fun to read and very good good work.
I'm sorry, but I must ask, sequel?
FIRST CLOP FIC?! WTF?! THAT WAS AWSOME!!
I like how the image you chose comes straight from HoofBeat, a clopfic comic.
Nice.
I may just read this now just for the Hell of it. After all, it's not like it'll be the only errant clopfic in my Read Later list.
AIP§
P.S.: Seeing as it's your story image, I trust you've actually READ Hoofbeat... right?
3899629
I have
3985559 make a sequel
Is there going to be a sequel?
4241715
4495497
Sequel? I don't know. I never really thought about one. What do two think the sequel should be about?
4647137 the sequel could be like after the events take place in the second chapter. You could make it where after the foals are born Twilight and Luna turn against Celestia ;) hint hint.....
4647137 them raising their foals dealing with parenthood and the annoying blueballs