- Member Since 28th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen 5 hours ago
Pinkamena666
Just a dude who writes mainly clop with some action and some GrimDark on the side. Also, If you don’t like futa, you may have a bad time here :P ;)
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Hmmm....a build up. Is it bad if I skip right to the third chapter?
5335658
Well, the foreplay's pretty fun, too
5335786
I know silly. I done read the first two chapters :3
Twilestia?
Well, I can't say than I like futa, but at least you should give that 'gift' just for Celestia instead or giving one for Twilight too. Well, that's just my opinion, thanks for writting this.
Reads the description... sees it's another one of those sequel/prequel to a story that isn't even out yet stories. Downvotes and passes it by because that kind of format is full retard.
The first chapter was awkward and painfully generic. And for crying out loud, don't talk about bra sizes, it makes your descriptions read like something from a bad roleplay. And your choice of chapters isn't great - the three should flow naturally into one another, so separating them does nothing to help. And, once again, makes your story look like you're transcribing a bad roleplay.
5335658
yes Mr. Clopper.
5339909
I mean, I don't necessarily consider myself a clopper. More of an enjoy-er of reading good erotic fan fic.
5340752
sort of the same here.
I tend to stay way from shameless clop though.
5336965 Judging a book by it's cover, darling? You cannot simply down vote without reading, and making a comment on the author that includes 'retard'?
Terribly bad form, sir. Absolutely horrible.
I am tempted to up vote simply to cancel out your dreadful actions, but I think I'll read the story first.
5340975
I just don't enjoy the label "Horse humper" That I am given when discussing the topic
5344887
it was a joke, mr. Clopper sounds funny.
5345084
Somewhat, yes
Foursome sequel when?
EDIT: I was too distracted by the hints at a sequel to mention;
Anal to vaginal? That's a paddlin'..... AND an infection! D:
Gonna have to agree with 5337120, here. You don't want to outright force an image of a character down the readers' throats, and you do it in more than one way here (outright use of photos and the use of cup sizes, etc). The readers have their own image of what each character looks like and, unless your character completely deviates from the norm (i.e. Celestia with pink skin instead of something 'normal' like tanned/white), a lot of readers prefer to imagine it their own way. It helps them set their own mood for a story.
Now, this doesn't mean you need to be overly vague, because that's just lazy and unappealing in a different way, but you don't want to go into exorbitant detail on what they're wearing, what their measurements are, how they talk (unless it's absolutely crucial to the story). It's an author's job to guide the reader to the end (or their 'end', iykwim) through vivid storytelling and events, but you don't want to pull on their hands as you yank them down the hallway of teenage smut.
Describe the actions, their expressions, and help us get in the mood alongside the actors. Try to refrain from repeating a word or phrase too often, use synonyms (but whatever you do, don't break out a thesaurus and start rattling off words you aren't entirely sure the definitions of). Build the environment. We all know that the surroundings aren't super important in a clopfic meant only for the clop, but it does help set the scene and add some realism to it.
Now, I did not read this last chapter (sadly, the last two were a bit to plain for grab my interest), but I did notice that you at least don't clusterfuck the dialogue with vocalized moans (Ooohhhhhh... Uggggghhh.... Ah! Uhn! etc.), so you have a leg up on many others in that regard, but try to take what I've described to heart. It'll help you build your ability in the long run and, hopefully, increase the quality of your work.
tl;dr: Not the worst I've read, but not the best, either.
Less what, and more who, and in this case, you.
That ending......there's going to be a harem isn't there