• Member Since 7th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen April 29th

Redbook


I am nothing great, just a pony who enjoys reading great stories and trying my best to tell some myself.

T
Source

In celebration of getting promoted to Captain of the Guard, Shining Armor decides to have a night on the town with his men. As the night goes on though, the new guy, Flash Sentry, decides to give Shining a hoof getting home. After a disastrous encounter with Princess Celestia where neither Ponies could keep their mouths shut, they end up getting taught a lesson and possibly learning more than they thought they would in the process.


This awesome cover art is done by Conicer and GottaLovePinkiePie They are both two awesome ponies.


Made it on the feature box on 12/30/13. I want to thank everypony who made this possible.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 331 )

There's a lot of errors in your description. I'm a little concerned.

You start so many new fics, ever think of finishing one?

Nice!, i like this story!, and cannot wait for more!:rainbowlaugh:

3700854
I just got one more that I had on the back burner for a while that I like to finish up. It's a one shot that I been meaning to finish for a long time now. Once it's done, I will start on the first round of updates. Starting with 'Octavia is Pregnant!" I will redo my description.

3700866
Suggest getting an editor.

3700869
I did have an editor for the story. I'm not going to bug them about the description.

3700882
I feel bad enough for making them edit my bad stories, but to edited the description is just mean on a whole new level.

sweetles, wonder where this goes.

Your story has a good premise, but you need to have edits done widespread here. Your spacing should be more pronounced, with your speakers accurately depicted. Half the time, I was unsure of who was talking, since the wrong character would be placed in the paragraph after the quote. You'd quote Shining, and continue the paragraph from Maggie's view. If you want to switch perspectives, you should separate the quotes and their speakers into separate paragraphs, one for each speaker. It's okay to use multiple quotes in one paragraph, provided they are spoken by the same character. :ajsmug:

Space it out and give your editor a small smack on the back of the hand, they missed a fair amount of mistakes. Misspelling and misuse of the 'your' + 'you're', a few missing letters and other menial things that throw the feeling of the fic off. :trixieshiftright:

I could run through it and pop you some suggestions to clean it up a bit. Also, it's better to describe Celestia's face rather than make us link to a photo that only interrupts our reading flow. If it was a song, then go ahead (except don't post copyrighted lyrics), but linking to a picture shows you could not accurately describe her face. If you can clean this up, I'll be more inclined to drop a fave on it and a like, but for now, it's an unfinished work that needs some tender love 'n care:applejackunsure:

3700999
Sure, I would love that. If you could just PM them to me. Thank you so much. I will see about having a second pair of eyes take a look at this story as soon as I can.

My friend in 'book. You forever have all my yes.

Now this looks hilarious Ill give this a definite read. :ajsmug:

This looks like a decent start for your story. Color me interested.

3700894
You should have told me that you might want a quick look taken at your description. I see it as part of the story, and it's no big deal to edit a couple paragraphs after an entire chapter. And your writing is very good. I had to do very little major edits, actually.
3700999
I don't mean to sound offended, but I'm only human. I make mistakes. I'll take your word for it if I missed a few commonly misused words, but I read through it a few times, never having seen it before, and I thought it was pretty clear who was talking... Though another editor is a great idea... Ya'know, two heads are better than one and whatnot.

3701322
I'm sorry if I came off as rude, I'm just a stickler for tenses and grammar stuff. I didn't mean to insult, just show that a fair amount slipped through the cracks. I'm penning a message to the author with my suggestions as we speak. I hope you don't think poorly of me for this, I just want to help the stories that need work to become something great. It's in the popular box, but if he fixes it up real nice, we could be looking at the feature box, mate!:rainbowkiss:

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Right now I have a close friend of mine who is kind of a grammar nut taking close look at the story as we speak. As soon as the new changes are ready, I will post the update. Please give him a little time to do their thing. :twilightsmile:

3701371
So wait, did you want that message or no? I've almost finished looking through it and have spent a bit doing so. I've got some ideas you might like, but if no, I'll just forego that and delete what I've got so far.:unsuresweetie:

3701380
No, send it. I would love to see what you have to say.

3701385
Will do. expect it within the hour.:twilightsmile:

3701387
Okay, I think I might have a busy night tonight. And do you really think that this story could get in 'the box'?

3701400
With that T.L.C. I proposed? certainly!

3701404
If it does, I think I might pass out. :raritywink:

...need...more! I love forced genderbending! It mess up the life of those involved just enough for my inner sadistic to enjoy, but not enough to get a Dark tag. Speaking of my inner sadistic, it make me want to do something. *chuckle*hahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAMWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*cough*Where was i? Oh yeah, *clear throat* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.(yes i am insane)

Good lesson to note when you're being the designated driver walker, bartenders will see it as a challenge to get you drunk to the gills.

Shining didn't dig the hole nearly deep enough. I'd add to the story, exposit further on his thoughts regarding fair and gender equitable society to really drive home the point that he has some issues to get over, issues which only our kindly ruler Trollestia can help him her get through.

Not bad, maybe a little too fast but not bad :moustache:

One error I noticed.

“So your name is Flash, huh? Must be new to the guards. I always take a little pride in knowing all the guards.” Maggie leaned forward, smiling a smile that always seemed to make stallions of any age week in the knees. And Flash had started to show the signs that his legs were about to give out.

I believe that would be weak.

Just trying to help.

There seems to be a lot of tense slippage in this. One line will be in past tense, then it'll slip into present tense, then back again.
Like here-

Maggie just smiled warmly at him, dropping two more mugs in front of them. “Don’t worry about him, he always grins like that when he has some of my personal brew.” Flash nods, gladly taking a drink from his new mug.

The first part is in past tense, but then, after the bit of dialogue, it slips into present tense. And this is everywhere, and it's distracting. You need to pick on tense and stick with it.

“I don’t wish to be rude at such an early hour, but I’m the stallion here.” Said the mare, rolling over to look him in the eyes, recognition hitting him like a brick, as he catches sight of the eyes of the mare next to him.

Several things wrong here.
1) No need to capitalize 'said'. There should be a comma inside the quotation marks. If you want a period drop the said and it'll work.
2) There should be a period after 'eyes' as the comma makes it a run-on sentence and it reads funny.
3) Again, tense slippage, it flips between the two.
It should read something like this-

“I don’t wish to be rude at such an early hour, but I’m the stallion here,” said the mare, rolling over to look him in the eyes. Recognition hit him like a brick, as he caught sight of the eyes of the mare next to him.

Flash stated bluntly, causing Shining to stop and blink, looking between Flash and the tree a few times..” Shining stopped and blinked a few times. Looking between Flash and the tree a few times.

Le derp.

Also, missing words. This line for example

He was starting to get a little bummed out with Flash Sentry sober.

reads funny. I think you mean 'He was starting to get bummed out with Flash Sentry being sober.'

It started off fine, the tense was consistent, then around, here

Shining gave him a grin and puts a hoof around him.

the tense slippages started. That line started in past tense, but ended in present tense. It should be 'put a hoof' rather than 'puts'.

You really need a proofreader, like badly. It has promise and looks like it could be really funny, but all the errors and stuff ruin the immersion and story telling and are distracting.

What about blueblood....wonder what happens if he was a mare.:duck:

You can join in too if you like. We can turn this party into a threesome.

:rainbowhuh::facehoof::unsuresweetie::rainbowderp::pinkiegasp: those are the faces necessary for that exchange of dialogue.

Certainly not the bet spelling or grammar I've seen, but still far from the worst. The story itself is fairly interesting, I suppose. I'll read more if I hear of a continuation.

So far I like it and trololololol gosh I've said girls have it so easy man am I glad that hasn't happened to me

Genderbending fiction? Sure. Why not.

ShepardShining-Commander, we believe you should have listened to your companion to prevent such an outcome. We await more, nonetheless.

Can I ask for the link to the image? It's just too good... :rainbowlaugh:

Why the heck not

3701409
FEATURE BOX! CALLED IT! :pinkiegasp:
(and that's pre-edit, too! Nice Job!)
:pinkiehappy::rainbowkiss::twilightsmile::yay:

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I actually took the liberty to go over the entire thing last night and PM'd the suggestions to the author. He's also having a close friend go over it for him. Most, if not all of your ideas, I pointed out to him. We know it's a little messy, but in due time, it'll be cleaned up. He's promised an update within the next few days, so your concerns will be addressed.:pinkiesmile::twilightsmile:

It a great start! :twilightsmile:
cant wait for more!!!!!!!!!!:derpytongue2:

Nice, but you might want to reread this chapter: there's a couple of slips :twilightsmile:

Anyway, I'm keeping an eye on this :pinkiesmile:

Interesting start! :pinkiesmile: But seriously, Shiny, Flash, don't you remember how Twilight can get? :twilightangry2: Anyways, Keep up the good work! :trollestia:

:moustache:Trollestia, you done good. Now to figure out how they fix this.

Ok, so reviewing time. It's a very interesting story, and I kept reading to the very last line. However there are a few inconsistencies, where I think you need to work, (Which in this moment means two). First of which is the line below...

If either of the intoxicated guards were in better control of their mental faculties, they would have been grovelling like they’ve never grovelled before, for forgiveness. They had incurred the wrath of Trollestia.

...The entirety of which was unneeded. You could have deleted the lines, and the story would have been better for it. In any story, there is one rule of thumb...and that is 'show don't tell'. In essence, the story should speak for itself. It's fine, but in the future, just let your readers figure it out. It will make all the difference.

Secondly, the story up to that point, just after they get out of Maggie's Bar, and they're walking up to Celestia. That whole point is awkward, you got at least that right, but not the kind of awkward of drunken buffoons. It's the awkward of being poorly written. Your characterization was off at that point, as if you had forgotten the story up until you wrote that, and then continued at the normal quality over the scene break. Perhaps, instead of telling us how Celestia felt, leading up to the Trollestia commentary, you just showed her smiling a devious smirk. Again, this leads back to the 'show don't tell'.

Apart from these moments, everything was ok. I look forward to seeing the next chapter.

ISA

This is what you get for saying that "Mares are easy". That isn't true, for the fact that The Mane Six have fought things that would frightened others.

Prepare for the worst, dudes, or should I say dudettes!
-Celestia:trollestia:

P.S: This is the Character writing, you shouldn't have got drunk.

Celestia was too quick to anger.

Hey cool a rule 63 story with Shining Armor that doesn't involve clop.

ih3.redbubble.net/image.15002584.5864/fc,550x550,army.u1.jpg

3704280
I have made the edits that my friend made. If you see that I miss something, just send me a PM my way and I will jump right back in.

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