Chapter 1
"Look, I don't care if you have to dye a barrel of apples all the colors of the rainbow. Four more shipments of Zap apples need to get to Seaddle by Friday. Period!"
"Y– Yes ma'am, Ms.—"
A visibly angry mare took the phone away from her ear to hold it directly in front of her muzzle. "Cut the groveling and just GET IT DONE!"
Slamming the phone down with a snort of pure frustration, the mare swung her leather chair around and jumped to her hooves. Giving the chair a slight kick to move it out of her way, she stepped out from behind a metal and glass desk that could have doubled as a workstation and a piece of modern art. Making her way across the spacious corner office, she walked to the bank of floor-to-ceiling windows that dominated one side of the room.
Sweeping her eyes from right to left, she took in a by now familiar sight – Manehattan at sunset. As her eyes traveled across the cityscape, her mind reeled off the spires that topped some of the historical city's grandest skyscrapers – The Equestrian State Building, One Rockefoaler Center, the FlatShoe Building, and many more that she knew by sight but could never name without a map to help her. As the sun continued to descend upon the sprawling city, the orange mare stepped closer to the window, focusing on the green eyes that stared back at her in the window's reflection.
Ugh, my head hurts, she thought. I don't know what's worse – the endless phone calls, or the imbeciles on the other end of the line. Rubbing a hoof on her temples, she let out a tired groan, silently cursing the stack of to-dos that were still sitting on the corner of her desk. The moment of calm was soon banished by a light knock at the door. Quickly smoothing a stray lock of her blonde mane, she turned to face the door just as it opened, a smartly dressed young earth pony gently moving just past the polished doors into the office.
"Ms. Applejack, I'm sorry to disturb you. If you're busy, I can co—"
"No, it's alright, Evernote," she said, cutting the mare off a bit. "What is it?"
"Two things, actually. First, you asked me to alert you when the time reached 6:45, so you would not miss your reservation."
Stunned at the apparent late hour, Applejack's eyes widened in a brief moment of schedule-induced panic. "6:45 already?! Oh, ponyfeathers, I'll never make it to the restaurant in time!"
"Actually, I anticipated that you might be running late, so I arranged for your driver to arrive earlier than normal."
Giving her head a slight shake, Applejack let a smile tug at the corner of her mouth, possibly for the first time in weeks. "Evernote, you've been my assistant for nearly five years, and you already know my habits better than I do." She raised a hoof to point at the young mare. "Some days, I forget that you're the Assistant to the CEO, and not a member of the family."
Evernote stole a quick glance at her blouse, smoothing a non-existent wrinkle to hide her slightly bemused expression. "Speaking of family, that's the second item that I had for you, Ms.—"
"How many times do I have to tell you, 'Applejack' will suffice in this setting."
"My apologies, Ms. Applejack," she replied, maintaining her well-practiced poker face.
"Fine, suit yourself," replied Applejack, waving a hoof in her assistant's general direction. "Now, you said you had something about my family? What do they want now?"
"Two items, actually, ma'am. Phone messages from your brother and your sister."
Applejack let out a brief snort. "Ponyfeathers, those two again? They must not be doing a lot of work on that farm, for the amount of time they spend calling or writing me letters. Ok, let's hear them."
Flipping her notes to the next page, she quickly scanned the paper before continuing. "Your brother, Big Mac, wanted to know if you would be visiting them on the farm this fall. He said that this year was the 50th anniversary of the Running of the Leaves, and he hoped to get every Apple to run in this year's race."
Applejack could not help letting a derisive chuckle escape her lips, as her penchant for sarcasm came to the fore. "Oh, yes, what a splendid idea! Let me just find my best pair of running shoes, so I can run circles around trees all day like a fool! I swear to Celestia, my brother's head is full of the same apples he continues to kick out of trees every day."
A short silence fell over the room, as Evernote waited for any additional comments from the still chuckling pony. Seeing none, she quickly continued with the second note. "And your sister, Apple Bloom, wanted to know if you would be attending her Cute-Ceañera next week. She had not yet received a reply to the invitation that she says was sent a month ago."
"Cute-Ceañera?! She wants me to go allll the way to Ponyville – the bucking middle of nowhere – just to watch a bunch of fillies get sugar highs and play mindless games all day?" exclaimed Applejack, lightly stomping a hoof on the tiled floor to emphasize her point. "And what invitation is she talking about? I saw no such thing cross my desk!" clearly aiming her last words at her long-time assistant.
Evernote replied as if she expected that very question to come her way the entire time. "If you recall, ma'am, you asked me to have any personal mail redirected to your residence a few months ago. The mail clerks would have intercepted it before it left the mail room."
As she spoke, Applejack walked back to the bank of windows, which were now bathed in the darkening glow of the receding sunset. Looking at her reflection in the glass, she ran a hoof over her business suit, smoothing out a few stray wrinkles that had appeared over the course of the day. Applejack took a final look at the skyline, lights now coming on all over the city as the setting sun made way for the moon.
While she took in the view again, the back of her mind did its best to dig up now distant memories of her own Cute-Ceañera. At the time, the event seemed like the biggest day in her young life, but it was nearly impossible to capture any of that lost feeling now. Now, all that Cute-Ceañeras did was fill her with bitter regret.
Steeling her mind to ward off the memories, Applejack turned back to her assistant, who still stood silently near the door. "Yes, you're right, Evernote. Think nothing of it, you were only doing as I asked."
Her assistant's eyes widened a bit as she glanced at the clock in the corner of the room. "Ms. Applejack, you really should get going. It's nearly seven."
Silently cursing her inability to slow time itself, Applejack quickly moved back to her desk, grabbed her jacket and her bag, and moved towards the door.
"Thank you, Evernote. You can head home whenever you're ready. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Likewise, Ms. Applejack," she replied, her voice still as chipper as it was when she arrived at seven in the morning. "Have a good evening!"
Stepping into the elevator, Applejack waited for the mirrored doors to close before letting out another long sigh, allowing herself a moment to lean back into the wall of the elevator. Knowing that the elevator would take about a minute to descend from her 50th floor office to the ground level, she took a moment to evaluate her reflection. Mercifully, her calendar was light on appointments today, so she decided to dress things down just a bit, opting for a simple taupe skirt and a white blouse. Her latest acquisition from Tiara's jewelry, a gleaming emerald pendent and earring set, complemented the earth tones of the designer ensemble, and better still, paired perfectly with her favorite pair of green Mafoalo Blaniks.
Still regarding her reflection in the mirrored walls, she ran a hoof through her always well-coiffed mane. Convincing Lotus and Aloe to move their spa here was perhaps my best idea ever, she thought. Applejack still remembered her single trip to their Ponyville-based spa, in the wake of a rather disastrous Hearth's Warming Eve on her family's farm. An argument over Big Mac's refusal to buy modern equipment to handle the applebucking ended with Applejack storming out into the cold, suitcase in tow. As she tore out of the house though, her jacket caught a rough edge on the front door, ripping a long snag into the designer fabric.
Thankfully, she remembered passing a clothing boutique on her way out to the farm, so she paid the shop a visit on her way back to the train station. The boutique's owner, a well-groomed unicorn mare, was none too pleased to see a walk-in customer the day before a holiday, but a quick flash of her business card, along with a fifty percent tip, changed the designer's mind instantly. To pass the time while her jacket was repaired, the seamstress suggested that Applejack head down the street to the Serenity Spa and indulge in, to quote the overly dramatic unicorn, "A simply marvelous time, darling!" Fortunately, the unicorn's recommendations were as good as her hoofwork, and in less than an hour, Applejack had a perfectly repaired jacket and one of the best hooficures that she had ever had.
Convincing the spa's owners to move was surprisingly easy. Of course, the promise of full funding to get the operation restarted in a new location, and access to her many business partners as seed clients may have played a part in the two mares' hasty departure from Ponyville, but that was not her concern. It's not my fault that barely anypony in that whole backwards town can appreciate a spa when they see it.
The soft ding of the elevator snapped Applejack out of her thoughts. Slipping her jacket back on and slinging her bag over her neck, she quickly left the elevator and made her way out the front door, green heels clacking against the highly polished marble on the entryway floor. Exiting the building, she saw her driver outside of her private carriage and quickly hopped in, shutting the door to drown out as much of the street noise as possible.
After a moment, the driver slid into his position at the front of the carriage and turned his head a bit to direct his voice towards the rear seat. "Good evening, Ms. Applejack. Shall I head directly to your dinner reservation?"
"Yes, please do," she replied.
Without another word, the driver turned his attention to the task, and quickly whisked the gleaming carriage into the busy flow of Manehattan traffic. A few minutes later, the carriage came to a stop outside of Le Bermaredin, one of the 'old-guard' restaurants of the nearly timeless metropolis. Applejack quickly checked her makeup in her pocket mirror as the door stallion stepped over to open the carriage door. "Good evening, Ms. Applejack, it is good to see you again. Welcome back."
Stepping out of the carriage, Applejack slipped an extra couple of bits to the stallion in a move that had been perfected over the years into a near sleight-of-hoof motion. "Good to see you too, Crimson." She quickly entered the restaurant, and was immediately whisked away by the maître d to her private table in the most secluded corner of the restaurant.
Taking her seat, she ordered her usual dinner spread; a mixed green salad with seasonal fruits to start, followed by a cup of Five Mushroom soup; a main course of the eggplant and cheese soufflé that made the restaurant famous so many decades ago, and finally, for dessert, a tart apple crème brulee. After taking her order, the waiter quickly returned with a glass of Applejack's favorite wine – a golden Viogneigh from the upper Northwest region of Equestria. On occasion, Applejack would strike up a mild conversation with the waitstaff, or sometimes with the head chef, if a lull in the action allowed him to extricate himself from the kitchen for a time.
Tonight, however, she just wanted to be left alone with her meal, and her increasingly brooding thoughts.
Applejack's mind continued to stew as she ate, flipping back and forth between tomorrow's schedule, her annoyance at her family, and her general frustration at the fact that she was stewing over any of this in the first place. Had she not been as hungry as she was, she likely would have forgotten to eat anything that she had ordered. In fact, when she finally stopped spinning a polished silver spoon in her hoof, she realized that she had already finished the dessert that she had ordered. She quickly downed the rest of her wine, letting out a short snort as she put the glass down with a bit more force than was necessary.
Beckoning the waiter, she quickly paid her bill and took her leave of the restaurant. Climbing back into her waiting carriage, she directed the driver to take her home. The good food and drink had done little to clear her mind, but the time spent in the restaurant did have the benefit of allowing the worst of the evening's rush to dissipate out of the city center, thus making the trip to her building that much quicker. All the better too, she thought. The faster I get home, the faster this day can be done with.
About fifteen minutes later, the driver brought the carriage to a stop outside of a tall, formal looking high-rise building. Designed to reflect turn-of-the-century architectural trends, the gleaming alabaster stones that comprised the front facade sported only minimal touches of the flair and grandeur that dominated so many of the older buildings throughout Manehattan. Alighting from the carriage, Applejack gave cursory nods to the two stallions that were assigned to the front door and elevator, respectively. Another quick elevator ride took her to the 30th floor, which consisted solely of her expansive studio apartment.
As soon as the double doors closed behind her, she let out a long breath of relief. Entering the apartment, she casually dropped her jacket and bag on the desk near the door, causing a pile of papers to fall off of the edge of the desk and scatter in all directions as they hit the highly polished wood floor.
Cursing both her sore back and Celestia, she bent down and shuffled the loose papers into something resembling a stack. Picking them up as best she could, she quickly moved into the kitchen and dropped the papers out of her mouth onto the black stone counters that ringed the kitchen area.
"Now, what in the hay is all of this st—"
Applejack's voice hitched a bit in her throat as she took a look at the papers on the top of the stack. She quickly realized that the pile she had knocked over was all of the personal mail that had been redirected away from her office. "Well, no sense in ignoring it forever. Might as well see what all of this junk is."
Putting the mail down, she walked across the room to a small serving cart that stood just past the end of the island that dominated the center of the kitchen. With practiced smoothness, she pulled the stopper out of a lead crystal decanter, inhaling the sweet aroma of the aged brandy that called the exquisitely designed vessel home. She gently picked up a matching glass with her other hoof, and slowly poured the brandy, filling the glass about half way. After returning the decanter to its proper spot, she grabbed the glass and walked towards the living room, taking a small sip as she made her way across to her favorite chair. The brandy left a satisfying warmth in her throat as she swallowed, her taste buds savoring every drop of the barrel-aged libation.
Applejack put the glass down on a small table situated next to her chair, which was nestled in front of a floor-to-ceiling stone fireplace. Adjusting the stack of preset logs, she started a new fire, hoping to quickly chase away the slight chill that had settled over the room as the sun had gone down. Returning to the kitchen, she again grabbed the pile of long forgotten mail and made her way back to the living room, setting the mail down on the edge of the table. Slowly sinking into the high back of the black leather chair, she took another sip of brandy and began flipping through the stack of mail.
"Let's see... Apple Fritter, Caramel, Big Mac, Braeburn... Wait, Big Mac again? Ugh! What is it with him and his letters?!"
With another snort, she paused and took another sip from her brandy, the warming sensation of the drink mixing quite well with the growing warmth of the fire on her coat.
"Ok, what's left then. More Big Mac, no surprise there... Golden Delicious, eh? She probably just wants more money, the deadbeat. She's probably never earned an honest bit in her life." Applejack paused briefly as she hit the last item in the stack - a bright pink envelope with red bow-shaped stickers all over it, the address clearly written by a pony that was still paying exacting attention to their quill work.
"Apple Bloom."
Setting the other envelopes aside, she gently grabbed a corner of the envelope in her teeth, and slowly pulled it open along the top edge. A brief shake let the single card contained inside fall out, landing in her lap. Discarding the envelope, Applejack turned the card over and read.
YOU'RE INVITED TO
APPLE BLOOM'S CUTE-CEAÑERA
SUNDAY, AUGUST 18TH
THE PARTY STARTS AT HIGH NOON AT SWEET APPLE ACRES
At the bottom of the card was a fairly detailed drawing of a hammer and a saw crossed over a piece of wood.
Applejack dropped the card back in her lap, lightly slapping a hoof against her forehead. "Pfft, that figures. She displays a talent for design and construction, yet she's hanging out in the middle of nowhere with the rest of the bumpkins."
Grabbing her glass one more time, she downed the rest of the brandy in one gulp. Applejack stopped for a second, twisting the glass in her hoof, staring at it as the flames of the fireplace danced in random patterns through the crystal prism. "She could make quite a name for herself as an architect... Especially in a city like this. But noooo, I'm sure she'll stay on that Luna-forsaken farm, mare-rigging worn out farm equipment and building new chicken coops."
Talking to her own reflection in the glass, she continued, her voice growing more bitter by the second. "A wasted talent... Just like Mac, and Braeburn, and all the rest. They don't know how much better they could have it if they gave up on that farm and moved to the cities, or at least modernized the place, but they're so stuck in their ways, it's maddening. They didn't understand why I even came here to see Aunt and Uncle Orange in the first place, and they certainly didn't understand why I decided to stay. I'm not even sure why they bother to invite me to anything. It's not like they ever bothered to really get to know me."
Standing from her chair, Applejack grabbed the invitation, along with the rest of the mail, in her hooves. She glanced back down at the stack, representing months of unanswered correspondence from her very distant family. With a flick of her hoof, the stack of mail flew into the air -- and landed on top of the now fully burning fireplace. The fire quickly consumed its new fuel source, glowing brighter for a few seconds as Apple Bloom's invitation, along with the many letters and notes, went up in smoke.
Narrowing her eyes as she looked into the fire, Applejack's voice took on a flat, nearly icy tone. "Then again, I don't know them anymore, either."
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You know, you made quite a scary Applejack.
Being from where I am from and how I act... I would beat her ass for attacking a family tradition. She has no right to do so, atleast not with as much spite as she acted upon. The comment about Applebloom was just plain rude, even with stress being a factor.
(I do love the story though,
it was well done.)
3013583
Thanks for the read, and I'm humbled by the follow too! *polite bow*
I'm glad that you saw the 'rude' and 'spiteful' elements that I was trying to convey. The idea of the characterization exercise was to paint an existing character in a totally new light, and to try to make the reader forget about the character that we know from the TV. Whether I did that successfully or not, is of course up to you and the other readers.
But, I did drop a bit of a hint of bitterness/bad memories in there too, so if I do decide to expand this past a one-shot, I'll have a platform to work off of. ;)
Thanks again!
3011433
To be honest, 'scary' wasn't what I was trying for, but I can see how you might see that in the text. Something to keep in mind if I ever go back and expand this.
Thanks for the read! :)
3013792 If you do expand I will be a loyal watcher. I would really like to see this continued!
Let's do the sandwich compliment thing here:
I REALLY enjoy your characterization of Applejack here. It's almost spot-on to my own headcanon. And you execute it beautifully.
However, the indentation issue is driving me insane. It's a pain, I know that fimfic's formatting kinda jacks up indents and whatnot, but adding them might make all the difference. Additionally, there are a few spots where hyphens might have suited you well. "Floor-to-ceiling windows" for one.
Lastly, you've really got a lot of the puns spot-on. Between the touchy subject matter and Applejack's characterization, I'm certain this is one of those 'Fimfic-buried-gold' stories. If you were to add some indentation and a cover picture, this might just see the feature box. it's very well-done!
3193714
Thank you SO much for the feedback! I really appreciate it, and I'm glad that you enjoyed the read!
If I ever get a chance to expand upon this one shot, I'll be sure to remember my indents going forward. ;) (though I will go back and fix this one too)
tinyurl.com/mbho6go
3376735
Awesome stamp of approval! Thank you so much!
*oh, and I apologize for submitting all of my fics at once. I saw the "don't do that" line a bout a second after I hit the 'add' button. Totally my fault.
*
That...was....AWESOME! Way OOC for her, but I like it!
3406074
Thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Yes! Yes! Make an extension! Please?
This was pretty enjoyable to read. The concept was easy to understand, and I think your execution of having AJ stay in Manehatten worked really well for that. The alternate AJ you built and showed us was very well thought out, and I loved soaking in every new little detail.
I'd like to see your efforts on the other Mane 6 with the same prompt.
3463883
Thanks for the read, and the great feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)
I'm actually trying to map out some ideas to 're-characterize' the rest of the mane 6, but some are easier to pick out than others, lol. I'm open to suggestions though - perhaps it'll spark the brain a bit. :)
This review proudly brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Name of story: The Furthest From the Tree
Grammar score (out of ten): 9
Pros:
1) Out of character is usually a con, but for its intended purpose, your characterisation of Applejack is completely believable. Well done!
2) Perfectly positioned pony puns!
3) Your use of fancy, descriptive language complements the story, especially since Applejack grew up in a "fancy" place.
Cons:
1) While they're only very minor, there are a few small grammar issues.
2) Though I did compliment your portrayal of her character, I think you may have made Applejack just a little too mean. She could have had the "too busy for family" mentality, instead of this "anti-family" mentality. This is mostly personal preference, though.
3) *error* conlocator.exe has stopped working.
Notes:
I enjoyed reading this story immensely. It's not often that I run across an AU mane-six that hasn't been "Discorded," even less often that I find one this well-executed. I can totally see this happening to Applejack if Rainbow Dash hadn't performed the sonic rainboom when she did. She's sharp, decisive, assertive and doesn't care for the feelings of those around her. Apart from the very beginning with the Zap Apple quote, there's one thing that you did keep her more-or-less in-character with: her honesty. Except now, she's not afraid to tell anypony how she feels about them. She doesn't even try to lie to herself about her feelings toward her family. In her mind, she really can see them doing so much better for themselves if they wanted to, but they're all wasted potential. Not sure if I would call keeping her honest a success or a failure (given the purpose of the story), but it works; it helps to make this Applejack more believable, even though she's as otherwise OOC as possible.
You do have some trouble with a few instances of hyphenation and dialogue punctuation, but they're only minor issues. Easily fixed, if you can be bothered. Remember, it's a comma to end dialogue whenever it's followed by (X character said) or (said X character). Periods only come into play when there's a non-verbal action following the end of the quote. Hyphenation comes into play when grouping together words that don't make much sense when separated. An example is run of the mill (run-of-the-mill), or in this story's case, turn of the century architectural trends (should read turn-of-the-century architectural trends). Apart from these, the structure is good, the pacing is good--hell, everything else is pretty much spot on, grammar-wise.
I give this story a personal 8/10 based on originality, premise, execution and grammar. Nice going. I don't usually give higher than an 8 unless a story truly grabs at my heart. This was great, but it doesn't go into my all-time favourites.
I hope you enjoy your review! Please repay the favour by reviewing my own little experimental one-shot, Burning Day Brethren.
P.S. I'd like to feature this story on a blog that I write for. Once a week, I post Fiction Illumination, a section where I promote underrated stories and authors. I think this deserves more attention than it's received. PM me if you'd like to know more.
P.P.S. My only regret is finding this story now, rather than when it was released. Although, all's well that ends well
3611773
Thank you so very much! I have sent a PM, as you instructed. :)
So if Applejack never left the city... does that mean she never got her cutiemark, or did I miss that?
3640250
No, she still has a cutie mark. Originally, I tried to shoe-horn an explanation in here, but couldn't do decently well and keep it under the 5000 word limit overall. So, I left a mention of a bitter cuteciniera as a plot device that I could unwind into a fuller explanation (should I go back and expand this).
For the moment though, I'm gonna need you to look at this flashy red light right here.... *flash*
"Oh so There is an explanatio... "(Flash!!!) ... "Huh... What happened? Where am I? ... Oh look a fan fic."
10 minuters later...
"So do AJ not have her cutiemark in this, or what?"
3641099
She does, and it's the same cutie mark that we see in the show. The difference is in how she earned it. Without giving away the whole idea, I'll say this: She tries her hoof at business, and that early success garners the cutie mark.
The cuteciniera would be covered in a flashback sequence to tie back to the small mention in the existing story.
3643066 Haha, thanks man, I was just going along with the joke.
This story bothered me in all the right ways. Applejack being one of my favorite ponies, it was really interesting to see this reinterpretation of her.
If the prompt was to bring Applejack as far out of character as possible while making it seem a little bit reasonable, i'd say you did a pretty damn good job. That being said, if the prompt was anything other than that i'd have to mimic Cerulean Voice's little comment about Applejack being seemingly too cruel and uncaring; aside from the plot points and the (long since destroyed) connections to her family, she really could have been just a cliche, overworked businesspony.
Good work, though! I thoroughly enjoyed the read; my only complaint is something that's probably 100% intentional and helps suit the prompt,
3723319
Thanks for the feedback, and I'm glad that you enjoyed the read! You're correct in thinking that I took AJ way out into 'mean territory' intentionally. The prompt was fairly vague, but it did specify that we needed to try to make the reader forget about the character that we know from the TV show. So, I took AJ as OOC as I did with that in mind.
Glad you enjoyed it though! :)
Wow ... she's become hard. But then the canon's Applejack has always been tough -- she's just warmed by her family and friends. In your AU, she apparently doesn't have any, any more.
Do you think that it was just staying with the Oranges that did this -- or did something in particular sour her?
Nice characterization, solid mechanics. Sets out to do one thing and does it well. I like it.
3870522
Thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
3815419
Sorry for the late reply here.
I'd say what soured AJ was her family's inability to accept her decision to leave the farm for good. Basically, they never 'bought' her 'vision' of what her cutie mark was telling her to do, and how to go about doing it. And when she became successful, they refused to discuss her entreaties to modernize the farm with some of the same innovations that helped her become a very rich pony.
3873597 THIS NEEDS A SEQUEL
ps. i felt that this was very dark and applejacks character was amazing with the way you handled it and i could feel all the hate eminating from applejack and each time she cursed her family i felt kinda sad. so great job.
SO AWESOME.... MIND CANNOT CONTROL AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!!!!! Totally
this story. Please keep working on this!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't, you'll get this: 
:
. Oh and Pinkamena 
Awwww, so cold Applejack... :(
3892450
Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked it!
3892579
Well, this specific one probably won't get an expansion... At least not for a long while. Before I do that, I have a TwiDash piece to write, and I'd like to re-characterize the rest of the Mane 6.
Glad you enjoyed it though!
3893305
Cold, yes. But she has her reasons.
3894401
Oh I don't at all doubt it! :)
3903240
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed.
Wow.
Hmmmm. I'll be honest. I...actually somewhat disliked it. Not to say that it was badly written by any stretch, but I think you made Applejack TOO OOC. Canon Applejack is fiercely loyal to her family and loves them. I mean, sure she's got her shortcomings, but she is a genuinely good hearted, kind pony overall. I would think that on some level she would still value her family, even if she lived hundreds of miles away from them, and would make an effort to visit Applebloom, at the very least, even if it's strongly implied that she's estranged from Big Mac. What about when Granny Smith passes away? Will she find an excuse not to attend the funeral of the mare that raised her and her siblings after her parents died?
I guess what I'm trying to say is....I don't mind re-characterization, but I think you could have re-characterized Applejack without sacrificing the integrity of her core character, if that makes sense. Like...she would regret shutting her family out, and possibly want to make amends for them, because Applejack seems terribly well...lonely, to me in this. Sure she has money, power, and success, but that's all. What does she have that truly makes her life worthwhile and happy? It just seems like family bonds would still have to mean SOMETHING to her. Just...her attitude towards Applebloom was callous and downright heartbreaking to me, since in canon, those two are super close. I can only imagine Applebloom's hurt and disappointment towards her older sister turning her back on all of them.
Now I'm envisioning redemption fic of this for AJ. I do think that this idea has potential, it just feels....unfinished, I suppose. There's definite room for expansion into a full blown story arc. But maybe I just hate the thought of Applejack eventually dying bitter, lonely, and miserable.
Long comment was long....herrrr. I have some trouble envisioning Apple Jack as such a Scrooge, ya know?
3913379
Hey, thanks for the comment and the read! I appreciate it!
Your feedback makes total sense; AJ is absolutely, horrifically out of character here, relative to her persona in the show. But, that 180 degree character turn is at the heart of the writing exercise that inspired me to write this. The thrust of the assignment was to re-characterize someone so differently, they look/act nothing like their real character in the show. I would certainly never expect AJ to really be this cold or callous, but that extra 'push of the envelope' was exactly what I was looking for here.
Now, don't take that as me arguing with you; I'm definitely not, and again, your feedback is very valid. I'm just offering some insight into my thought process, in terms of "why" I wrote AJ so far off of "normal" for her.
Again, thanks for the feedback!
Grand Moff Pony
Hah, no worries. I didn't take it as you arguing with me.
I think this fic got to me because AJ is one of my favorites of the mane cast, after Fluttershy. It was an interesting writing exercise, I will give it that.
I must say, I'll be interested in seeing how you re-characterize Pinkie Pie or Fluttershy. Or Rarity.
Turning them into the inverse of their true selves sounds like what Discord did: turning Fluttershy cruel, making Rarity selfish, making AJ dishonest, etc.
*gasp* That explains it! You're actually Discord aren't you?
3913884
Ah, I do want to clarify one thing though, just to ensure you don't get the wrong impression here. My goal is to drastically re-characterize, but I am not 'Discording' them. If I were, AJ would have been an abject liar, which is a trait that I specifically avoided. In other words, my aim here is to take one/more of their core traits and twist them to a different end without simply inverting them. (hopefully that makes sense, lol)
Oh, and:
img.fark.net/images/cache/850/q/qa/fark_qae_IW2f7TjD1ubYGmyygrMkZVw.png?t=CH2_BhtuPrMXi2-rDWdelw&f=1392008400
Hey, I wrote a review of this story. If you are interested, it can be found here.
Overall, I found it pretty weak. I felt that this version of Applejack was simply too different not to be an OC, with little point to the similarities. However, I did like how you established her character.
Read this at 4am so I can't give really any good critics but overall I liked it
6335454 Thank you very much, and I'm glad you liked it. :)
3873597
Such a sad ending... Those cutie mark parties are an important once in a lifetime event! I was expecting her to go but get into all kinds of arguments with Big Mac and maybe even AB herself, and maybe end up storming out.
There's a lesson here that this AJ is missing: If she wants her family to respect her decision to make a life for herself in the city, then she needs to respect their desire to remain on the farm.
Without knowing a little more about the content of those letters from Big Mac, not just her biased predictions, my impression was that by that time, with that many letters waiting, they would probably be more along the lines of "we miss you, why won't you even come visit" (especially for AB's cuteceñera).
I feel like this would have been better if she had at least read the mail before burning it, even if she didn't actually go. At the end she seems more heartless than sour, honestly. Still, this was well written characterization, so don't let my disappointment at the direction it took detract from that overall success!
6670722 Thanks for the comment!
The additional content you mention ed was actually part of my original plan for the story. But, with a 5K word limit, I couldn't find a way to fit it in and do it some kind of justice. Looking back on this (my second story ever) now, some additional options and techniques that I was totally unaware of then are pretty obvious now.
That's the only downside of gaining experience and knowledge about something. Your first attempts look worse and worse as time goes on, lol.
6670940
And to be fair, for a second story this is a lot better than some people's hundredth chapters and such, so don't feel bad just because it was early work!
Ahh, I forgot about the word limit you'd listed. Seems like fertile ground for a continuation or expanded version, though...
Any specifics on what options/techniques you're talking about (out of curiosity as a fellow aspiring writer)?
A truly great story, well written, emotional, and generally good. Underrated, wish it was a little more fleshed out
11715078
Thanks for the kind word! This is one of my oldest stories too, so it's good to see it's aged fairly well, lol. :)
In truth I did have more planned for this story, but since this was written for a contest with a 5k word limit, I had to leave some things on the cutting room floor. But still, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
If you decide to check out any of my other stories, I hope you enjoy them as well. Thanks!