Suck it up, Dashie!
*Boom*
The sound of a thunderclap rolling across the hills hit your ears, the pitter patter of raindrops splashing against your humble abode was very audible, the rain outside was only getting worse, and it didn't look like it was going to stop anytime soon. There was little to nothing that you could do, you've only just finished the Epilogue of Hitman: Absolution, all the other games didn't quite catch your interest.
You sat on your chair, flipping through channels hoping to find something of interest, anything that could keep you occupied for the next hour or so. After about 10 minutes of searching, you came out with three choices. It was either Pawn Stars, some weird Japanese game show or a documentary about aliens.
You decided to leave the channel running on Pawn Stars. The noise from the TV at least made you feel less lonely, even if said sounds were just Rick trying to convince some guy to sell some antique for like, five dollars. You looked around the house, by no means was it a bad house, it was a snug, double storied house, not too different from the others that littered the neighborhood.
But ah not so fast, your house had something special, something that made it stand out above the rest.
More specifically, someone.
"Incoming!" A voice echoed from upstairs.
Less than a second after that call hit your ears, a cyan blue form dive-bombed onto your lap. You promptly snapped in half as pain shot through your right thigh, the feeling was as if a pitching machine had shot you in full speed. It quickly subsided just as quickly as it came.
"Godammit Dashie, that hurts." You grunted.
As you took your eyes off your probably bruised lap, you focused on the being that was responsible for inflicting said pain. A small cyan blue horse like creature that also possessed a vibrant rainbow mane, it was around the size of a full grown Doberman. The creature was undoubtedly female judging from the eyelashes and mane style, a pair of saucer panned magenta eyes were locked onto you.
"Whoops. My bad." Rainbow Dash chuckled.
"That's the third time this week, and it's only Tuesday! Keep this up and I might have to get it amputated." You said.
You got up from your seat as Rainbow Dash leaped off your lap and onto the ground. Her hooves elicited a *clop* upon making impact with the wooded tiled floor, as you arose from your throne, you popped your spine and cracked your knuckles. Something you always did after remaining immobile for a long period of time. You stared at your feet and found Rainbow Dash looking back up at you, her large magenta eyes only made looking at her all the more adorable.
You thought back to the day when you had found Rainbow Dash. It was a rainy night, almost like this one, except the rain was much heavier. You were in the midst of driving back from work when suddenly, a bolt of lightning struck, this one however was much more brighter than the others, that and the fact that it was multi-colored, caught your attention, forcing you to ponder over exactly how bad the pollution has to be for the sky to start shooting rainbow lightning bolts.
Before you know it, you had stopped the car to stare at the sky in hopes of finding an answer to the strange weather occurrence that had taken place not too long ago. Your answer came back in the form of Rainbow Dash falling from the sky and landing square on the hood of your car, leaving a huge dent in the process. But you were too busy having a panic attack to notice a thing. But, you eventually noticed that your hood was definitely out of shape.
Thanks to your lack of knowledge on basic mechanics however, you ignored this crucial fact, assuming that it was merely cosmetic and tossed the mare into your car and sped to the closest vet, thinking that it required medical assistance immediately after taking such a nasty fall, what you didn't know was that the hood has been dented so bad that the engine had been damaged in the process. Your attempt to do noble justice, backfired, literally, when your beat up 180SX started smoking, forcing you to pull over. Not long after that, the car erupted into flames. Meaning that your only mode of transportation was now gone and that you now only had your legs to carry you, and the mare, home.
And so, with your mind clouded with so many curses and swears that would make even Michael "Rage Quit" Jones gasp, you used the scarce amount of energy you had left to haul the mysterious creature back home. Why home? Simply because you were already miserable enough losing your car and having to walk in the rain and simply couldn't be arsed to walk that extra few miles to the vet and back home. You were also confident that should you have chosen to go to the vet, they would've called the military to report your newfound friend as an alien or something of the sort.
So after what seemed like hours, you arrived at the doorstep of your home, with every muscle in your body aching you breathed a sigh of relief, Chariots of Fire started playing in your head as you had overcome the odds, the harsh weather, the lack of transportation, combined with the deadweight you had to haul, truly felt like an accomplishment worthy of immortality.
That all stopped however when you reached into your pocket and with horrible realization that you had left your keys back in the car. The car which was now burnt to a crisp and a thousand miles away.
Ah, memories.
"Hey, I'm bored. Do we have any Skittles? I could use some Skittles." Rainbow Dash stated as she walked towards the kitchen.
When you had first took her in, you had automatically assumed that as soon as she woke up, she was going to scamper into a corner, shiver and cry whilst you tried to lure her out with some sort of treat.
Your assumptions, were wrong. Very, very wrong.
Instead, she had woken up, flown straight towards you, grabbed you by the shirt, and demanded you to inform her on her whereabouts. You were far too panicked to notice the fact that she was speaking fluent English instead of the expected neighs and whinnies.
Eventually she had calmed down, and then she started to cry after finding out that she was probably stuck here forever (though she never did admit to crying and claimed that her eyes hurt instead). She fell asleep not long after that, the next few days were rough, for both you and her, but eventually the both of you managed to get used to living with each other. From her stupid stunts to your monotonous life, you both accepted the fact that you depended on each other.
Okay, actually, she depended on you, but whatever.
You gazed around the room. There honestly wasn't too much to do, the internet at your place was down for a week or two, you COULD play the PS3, but there wasn't much to play, GTA 4 did get a little repetitive after a while. So out of boredom, you started walking towards the store room, where you tucked away most of your cleaning materials. Everything from the broom to the machete.
You face the wooden door and promptly put your hand on the knob, twisted and pulled the door open.
You were greeted with your various tools that helped kept the hygiene in the house. You reached in and grabbed a red vacuum, ripping off a cobweb or two in the process. As you dragged it out, the power chord got caught on some other lost tools and yanked them loose.
As you proceeded to walk out of the small room and close the door. You heard the sound of your various belongings crashing down into the floor, the sound of wood splintering and metal crashing into the marble tiles below. You breathed a sigh of frustration, instead of turning around to clean up the mess however, you only continued to walk away.
"Who?! What?! Where?!" Rainbow Dash said as she rushed into the living room, a Skittle or two had fallen off her and rolled across the living room upon her entry.
You paid this no attention as you looked for a plug for the power chord of the vacuum.
"What was that?!" Rainbow Dash asked
"It's nothing Rainbow." You replied nonchalantly.
"No ninjas?"
"No."
"Serial Killer?"
"No."
"Aliens?"
"No."
"Pft. Boring."
"You've been watching waaaaaay too many action flicks."
"What? Can't hurt to be a little cultured."
"You wouldn't know culture even if it bumped you in the noggin."
"Pft I AM culture."
"I should have never told you."
During Rainbow's stay here, she had been aware of the fact that she was supposedly a fictional character, in a show that was supposedly made for little girls, but consisted of mostly young adults as it's audience. At first she was creeped out, but slowly and gradually, she accepted the fact that she was practically a celebrity here. Ironically enough, you've never watched a single episode of the show.
You walked around the house looking for somewhere to plug in the vacuum, you found a plug not too far away from the. You plugged it in and made sure it was secure before turning your attention to the vacuum and turning the switch on. The vacuum whirred to life and had already began sucking up the nearby dust that inhabited the floor. Rainbow Dash had noticed said vacuum and cautiously watched it as you cleaned the house.
"What? Never seen a vacuum before?" You asked the pony.
"What's a vacuum?" She replied.
"It's basically a Roomba, but you have to operate it yourself."
"Why not use the Roomba?"
You sighed, hung your head and stopped vacuuming for a brief moment to explain to Rainbow Dash exactly why you weren't using your automated robot vacuum.
"Because, a certain SOMEONE decided it would be funny to make Roomba suck up a centipede alongside the Skittles which were used to pelt said centipede.." You said, turning your head to glare at the 'someone' you were referring to.
Rainbow Dash gave a sheepish smile and hid behind the kitchen counter.
"I mean seriously?" You asked
"Hey! It's not my fault!" She replied
"Wh-Wa-How is it not your fault?!"
"I didn't know what to do! I didn't even know what it was."
"The Skittles?"
"Self-defence."
"Can't you just fly?"
"And what was I supposed to do? Let it out of my sight?"
"I swear to god, you're afraid of centipedes?"
"No! It looked like it was up to something."
"I swear to god..."
Seeing that your attempts at trying to make her see her wrong doings was futile, you only continued to vacuum the house, out of the corner of your eye you could see her peeking out of the corner of the kitchen, glaring at the vacuum.
"I don't trust that thing." Rainbow Dash said
As those words hit your ears, you could feel the slightest hint of a grin tugging at the edge of your lips as a rather cruel form of enjoyment started piecing itself together in your mind. As you continued vacuuming, you suddenly did a hundred-and-eighty degree turn and started vacuuming your way towards the kitchen while Rainbow Dash only continued to watch, the fear in her eyes slowly getting much more noticeable as the vacuum continued to cover ground and make it's way towards the kitchen.
As you entered the kitchen, you could see Rainbow Dash trying to hide from you under the table, her rainbow tail was stuck out from under the table. You chuckled to yourself and pushed the vacuum towards the table, making contact with the multi hued tail sticking out of it.
She promptly leaped up and banged her head, she scampered out from beneath the table and into the living room in an attempt to escape. You chuckled to yourself before turning around and heading towards the living room to pursue your target.
"This beats watching TV any day." You said to yourself.
As you walked into the living room, the first thing that greeted your eyes was a scared cyan blue pegasus hiding in a corner. Cowering under her hooves in an attempt to shield her self from her attacker.
"C'mon Dashie it's just a vacuum." You said playfully
"Whatever it is just get it away from me!" she said defiantly.
You walked over, dragging your vacuum with you. You slowly teased Rainbow Dash, inching the vacuum towards her and then pulling back just before it touched her, you continued to do this as she struggled to find some space to hide.
"Stop that!" She said
"Serves you right for messing with Roomba." You replied
"I'm sorrrrryyyyyyyy!"
You gradually moved the vacuum closer towards her, slowly decreasing the free space she possessed. It got so small that she could only stand on three hooves, with her only free hoof used to swat at the device that was torturing her. You were having way too much fun to stop.
"Go awaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" She groaned
With one thrust, you pushed the vacuum into her, the pony responded by flying upwards out of the corner and onto the sofa where she pouted at you, her tormentor. You on the other hand, were too busy doubled over laughing to notice her discontent with you.
"This isn't funny!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
"Yea it is." You replied.
As you wipe the tear that was leaking from your eye, she promptly attempts to spit on your vacuum, the wad of phlegm and saliva proceeds to land on the floor instead of on the vacuum, which was still bad. It's not like it looked better on the floor.
"Now that's just rude." You said in a mocking tone.
"I don't care. Just, stop." she humphed.
You then proceeded to push the vacuum closer and closer to her. She could have just flown, maybe she was frozen in terror? You didn't care, as long as she stayed in place, you questioned nothing. Just as the device was about an inch or two away from Rainbow Dash, you stopped pushing it and glanced up to face the equine.
"It's gonna get ya'." You chuckled.
"GO AWAY!" she replied
You thrust your "weapon" forward, and for like, a millisecond you burst out laughing to yourself mentally. That joy quickly subsided however as the sound of silence fills the air. You were confused, did you knock the vacuum too hard perhaps? Did the batteries go out? You looked at the wire connected to the machine and trace it back to the power outlet.
It was unplugged.
Rainbow Dash peeked from her hooves, the absence of the vacuum's whirring sound and the panicked look on your face confirmed her suspicion. The machine, was no longer functional, which left nothing between her and revenge.
"I'm so dead aren't I?" You said.
"Pretty much."
Before you even had the chance to turn around, you saw a flash of cyan blue slam into you.
The End
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Pft pretty unhappy with this. Will rewrite eventually.
3164801
Question: If you're unhappy with this why did you published?
this was cute
lololololololololololololololollolololololololololololololololololol
Well...
Fahk.
This brings back memories of tormenting my cats with the vacuum cleaner when I was younger
That was brilliant, found it so funny
This reminds me of when I would go over to my aunt's house and torture her chihuahuas with the vacuum cleaner.
now that is funny
3164801
You do not remove it, or you be so dead as well
but this was adorable short, up and faved 
Just kidding
Awesome story! You deserve a fave for this.
Cutie
*You're
3164882 Because I needed feedback and my proofreaders are too much of a b*tch to tell me that my story sucks :3
A really cute fic, well done.
3166618 No, no, it's pretty bad actually. Really needs a rewrite.
oh just you wait dashie till he gets A HANDHELD vaccum cleaner
3165414 haha i still do that, she gets all bushy tailed and her ears go back, it's well funny xD
This is so funny XD
Just wait til' she gets a load of one of these!! XD
img.directindustry.com/images_di/photo-g/outdoor-litter-vacuum-cleaner-103047-3678399.jpg
She gonna have a heart attack!!
3165414 dude, put plastic wrap on its tail. It'll explode.
3168154>>3167604>>3165414 You guys are just plain mean
3164801
Ears twice. I'll help sir! You have my axe.
Well. THAT happened.
When I saw that picture, I knew it would be made into a fic.
And while this one is VERY rough... I liked it.
Well done.
~Skeeter The Lurker
3168222 Calling this VERY rough would be an understatement.
CMCs used a vacuum cleaner to suck the color off a rainbow. Wonder what that'd do to Dash. O_O
Also, I scrolled past this at least twice thinking that "Suck It, Dash" was going to be a bad clopfic.
3169222 puns
Hmm, CMC use a vacuum on Rainbow?
Ideaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
3168189 yes I am, a hilarious psychopathic evil toad who attacks kittens. While listening to jazz.
A lot of grammar/spelling errors but still a fun one-shot regardless. Green thumb for you.
I kinda wish my dog was scared of vacuums. But no, he sleeps on the floor, and then when I have to vacuum that part of the floor, he gets up, and sleeps on the part I just cleaned! he's such a doge...
3174910 More or less, yea.
Oooooor I might turn this into a very weird clopfic. Depends if I'm drunk or not.
3173256 That kinda sounds like me. Everymorning my parents kinda just walk in and place Roomba on the floor and activate him and I just move my things to wherevers comfortable.
3172105 give it a downvote
it'll make me feel better
I don't usually like Human fics, but this made me lol so hard that I think I broke something
.
... I approve of the Achievement Hunter shoutout.
Oh yeah, and the story was pretty cute as well!
3183626 Achievement Hunter shoutout?
3184275
I guess technically it's a Rage Quit shoutout, but Michael and Rage Quit are part of Achievement Hunter so I thought I'd just say that!
3168143
.-.
3184897 Oh yea
I thought of someone who would swear a lot and immediately thought of Micheal
That's Rainbow Abuse ya know. your lucky a guard isn't around
wow that was hilarious. soo mean but soo funny and soo cute. my dog defiantly acts the same way when we vacuum so I have a perfectly clear image of Rainbow running away scared.
when it became unplugged, I figured that's what would happened but I also kinda hoped Twi would appear seeing RD getting tormented and unplug it and they would get payback
this was the one thing that did truly catch my eye and bug me enough to mention it
Great little one-shot you got here!
Really fun, it reminds me of how our current family dog is afraid of brooms and freaks out at them.
Nice fun and adorable concept you used here!
I like that you avoided the saccharine "My Little Dashie" feel but rather, gave Dash a.....dash of "Scumbag Steve".
RIP That dude's car.
*pours one out*
3486545 I still don't understand why this thing is so popular. Personally, I hate it. The ending seems a tad bit... off.
3486663
Probably because its amusing to see an intelligent (in that she knows how to do taxes and understands abstract concepts) get tormented and react in the same manner as our dogs and cats do.
Also the cover picture is really cute!
In addition the world building that establishes how they met is funny.
TL:DR version: It amuses us since it reminds us pet lovers of our pets' reactions to cleaning devices.
3487279 well, alright then.
I'm actually still debating if I wanna write the other five or not.
3487617
Hopefully I was helpful.
"Other five"?
3488777 nothing
3492043
I'll have my eye on you.
I'll start off by saying that I don't really like HiE/PiE(PoE?) stories. My basis for what counts as a good story in general precludes them. Despite that, I kind of liked this story anyway. The cover art is amusing and somewhat adorable, and this story does a fine job or putting the story to that picture.
The story was easy to read. Any errors in grammar and such were minor and didn't distract me from the story.
In terms of overall story-length, the idea fit sort of within the wordcount. While there were a lot of details and even a bit of backstory thrown in, they helped set up the main purpose of the story fairly well. A deeper and more thorough analysis might confirm my suspicion that some things could be trimmed off or done a bit more smoothly, but that would be splitting hairs I think. That said, it isn't often that I feel a story should be shorter.
We have a small cast of characters to work with: Rainbow Dash and the human main character. The central idea being explored is Dashie being afraid of a vacuum cleaner in a manner similar to that often seen in pet dogs. Any pet owner can tell you the fearful power these devices have in turning otherwise brave, loyal, and protective companions into timid, quaking balls of adorable. On that merit, the story idea is amusing and shouldn't be poked too deeply into and I'll avoid doing so.
Despite the oddness of the setting and theme, Rainbow manages to be kept fairly well in-character. She's introduced to us by pouncing into the lap (painfully) of her human, bursting onto the scene in an appropriate way. The dialogue between the two feels pretty natural, also despite the setting. I especially liked the line "Pft I AM culture." Even though the explanation that followed was needed for me to understand it. I have to wonder if perhaps there is a better way to deliver that line, but the overall joke is good. Add to that the overall sense of Dash being pleased at being something of a celebrity and I find myself pleased with how she feels and sounds in this story. Even if it isn't flattering, the transformation of her role from Dash to cowering "dog" is all the more striking and appropriate.
The unnamed human of the story provides our eyes for this world. While the story makes absolutely no direct indication to the gender of the protagonist, they come across as masculine in attitude and hobbies. The story is told in second person, so it is understandable that such details are omitted. A lot of the details included in this story build up this character in a natural way. He's clearly a gamer. His attitude towards entertainment takes a central role while other aspects of his life are downplayed greatly. No mention of what kind of job he has is made, friends and family aren't mentioned, and no hobbies outside of video games and TV are brought up. The fact that his car was destroyed is something of a minor detail contrasted by the destruction of his "Roomba" (which, if I understand correctly, is a minor robot floor-cleaning machine) plays a bigger overall role in the story. The details of the cleaning supply closet also lend to the overall image of what is and isn't important to him. The presentation of him is, as I said, fairly natural. This is much better than the typical "Here is my human OC, and this is what he is wearing, etc" that I typically see.
In addition to his general lifestyle, we also get to see that he is slightly dickish. This is rather necessary for him in his role of wielder of the vacuum against Rainbow Dash, so it isn't a flaw of the story in the slightest. He isn't over-the-top villainous dickish, but casually interested in entertainment rather than politeness kind of dickish. Despite the fact that she can talk, it feels like he thinks of Rainbow Dash as more of a pet than as a person. In reflection to that, Rainbow does act a bit more like a child/pet than a mature adult in the story, so the overall dynamic doesn't feel wrong.
So on to the things that are flaws in the story.
First and foremost, second person perspective. I'm not male. While I do enjoy the occasional video game and have been much more immersed in them in the past than I currently am, the games listed in the story are either totally unfamiliar to me or completely uninteresting to me. I've never even heard of a "Roomba" before, and if I encountered Rainbow Dash as presented in this story and started living together with her, I would have a completely different dynamic. In other words, I'm nothing like the protagonist of this story, and the use of "you" and the overall use of the second person is incredibly off-putting. It is jarring and pretentious of a story to tell me what it is I am supposedly doing. Second person may work for games like Skyrim where you are intentionally adopting a character, but the narration and dialogue in those stories is careful about being much more neutral, and by enhancing immersion by allowing you input into the story. While this fic does some things right, the second person perspective ends up being more of a copout intended to either get away with less detail, force better immersion, or both. It fails to do either.
As mentioned above, several items in the story are foreign to me. I can understand through context what a "Roomba" is, for example, and I can make guesses about what various video games mentioned are, but they fail to provide the kind of detail they're clearly intended to provide due to my lack of familiarity. While the way the protagonist is depicted as feeling towards the game gives a lot of insight about him being a gamer, those other details as to what kind of gamer he is fall short. Other references like Michael "Rage Quit" Jones and "Pawn Stars" were similarly lost on me. I could understand them through context, but they stood out to me as unfamiliar things that I had to spend a few seconds puzzling over instead of enjoying the story. Not the worst use of symbolism I've seen, but reliance on "Name Brand recognition" is incredibly poor storytelling.
Lastly, this story seems to have this certain level of awareness about it that doesn't seem quite right. The main point of the story is to be a silly little random scene where a human wields a vacuum against Dashie, making her cower cutely. There is a fair amount of background and setup packed into the story. I can't say the story would be better with that setup removed, but a lot of that setup raises some odd questions. Why did Rainbow Dash fall from the sky into this world? The human at one point casually dismisses the idea of taking her to the vet for fear of scientists stealing her to study as an alien. How is he keeping her hidden from everyone to continue to prevent this? His car was destroyed and it went up in flames, but he fled the scene. Was there no police investigation? Did insurance take care of the issue? Why is the loss of his car not rather important in his mind? How is Rainbow Dash dealing with the loss of her friends and entire world? How is she dealing with being hidden away from what is apparently a hostile world, and having to depend on this guy? We shouldn't poke too deeply at these things because of what this story is about, but the issues are still presented by this story. A lot of these things seem rather common as problems in a Pony on Earth story, and this one doesn't really dodge them as well as it should I think. It instead toys with them to the distraction of the main humor.
In the end this is a mildly amusing story. It doesn't feel like a waste of time like many other stories are, but it could stand some improvement. I'm not sure if it is possible for this idea to become great, but the execution could be done better.
3985078 tank chu for the input
Like I said, it was written to brush up on my (non-existent) skills. No backstory whatsoever, just a small scene.
I can understand the unfamiliarity with most of the items that I've mentioned here. I'll keep that in mind.