• Member Since 6th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen 37 minutes ago

A-hardie


Teenager, brony, special effects designer.

T
Source

Over a millenium ago, a creature was dug up beneath the Crystal Empire— a sleeping god. But as all shall know, a sleeping god still dreams.

Holy bugger I hit the featured box, 12/09/2014. Also, turns out I have a TV TROPES page . http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Fanfic/Millennium

I would like to thank the brilliant C-Conztantine on Deviantart for his allowing me to use his fantastic illustration.

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 324 )

i like it, i like it alot:rainbowwild:

This is lookin to be a good fic. I'm looking forward to future chapters. The no aura-decay thing is going to be interesting...

You have my attention...

Will there be more? I think this is the first time I've seen a Humans in Equestria fic where the human in question was something out of SCP.

2499889
There will be more. I also encourage a little critiscim from those who read it if you are dissatisfied

Looking good. Keep it up!

2500278

What gave you the impression that I was dissatisfied? This story is great!

2500938
I didn't assume you were, I just like it when I get feedback on what people might like.

So, Humans are Cthulhu here?

2501610
I'm British, I'm allowed to use that to troll people.

Best 1 chapter of a story I have read:scootangel:

2502564
You flatter me sir/madame/sentient robot. Pass it around

A sleeping god. Immediately made me think of this.

(I recently became a Doctor Who fan, and I must say, it is bloody brilliant! :yay: (Horrible attempt to act like a British person online.))

I'm a style and mechanics specialist, so I'm afraid this will be rather dry.

First, the synopsis.

"Millenia" is plural. You want the singular, "millenium".

In English, place names are capitalized. It should be: Crystal Empire.

Watch for minor mechanical mishaps. Here, you missed the space between the sentences.

Suggest researching each type of punctuation mark, and learning their correct usages. For example, the second comma here should be an em-dash.


Chapter One.

The title needs a posessive apostrophe. Already we see the importance of knowing mechanics.

"Footnote" is one word. However, if there is some character-related thing or play on words here, you can be granted poetic license.

Paragraph three, sentence three: horse actually have hair, not fur. There is indeed a difference.

Paragraph four: "Unicorn" should not be capitalized. Some languages capitalize all nouns, but English only does so for proper nouns. See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proper_noun

Paragraph five: there should be a comma after "Withered". Yes, work on punctuation will be necessary.

All of the needed information on English mechanics can be found with a little creative searching. But a more efficient option, (if you don't mind spending a little money) is this book, which explains punctuation in a manner easy to learn. Even if you're not planning to write for serious publication, this knowledge will always have value.

Your style, overall, is better. But it is still a little rough. Solutions: practice, polish, rewrite, and read plenty of different authors. Examine others' writing with a critical eye, and think about what works and what doesn't.

These should also be of help:

http://www.sfwa.org/2009/06/turkey-city-lexicon-a-primer-for-sf-workshops/
http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/george-orwells-5-rules-for-effective-writing/
http://peterstekel.com/PDF-HTML/Kurt%20Vonnegut%20advice%20to%20writers.htm

If you have any questions, just ask.

Keep at it. Don't give up!

2505348

First off, thank you for taking the time to give me some good constructive critiscism, i know it must have taken a while.

For my synopsis, I've always heard it said 'for a millenia' over here in the UK, but I'll take your word for it. The crystal empire, thanks for pointing that out.

Yes indeed, Foot Note is his first and last name respectivley, so i shall not be changing that. I must apologise for spacing issues, I typed initially into Microsoft Word, and as most of us know it does not transfer well.

I honestly can't comment on fur, since I don't even remember typing it. I am aware there is a difference (when you live in a national park with 2000 of them you learn) but I think at the time I ws trying to reflect how the character has adapted to the coldness of the chambers. It tends to be an argument here as to whether it can be called fur or a coat at the time. still, it shall be ammended.

As for my punctuation errors, all I can really say is I have a thought I likely turned off my spellcheck. Thank you for the links, I presume you mean link 2 for the book?

Thanks again for all your advice, it's always nice to have some advice.:pinkiehappy:

2504818

As a British person, I hereby make you a whovian

2505740

Oops, forgot to add a link to the book. I recommend it to everyone.

I likely turned off my spellcheck.

Spellcheckers are good for catching typos. But they can't catch many common errors. A far better thing is to learn the mechanics yourself. That's the boring part of learning to be a writer; the fun part comes later. And as I said, it's a valuable life skill.

One more suggestion. If you can't get a decent proofreader, put your draft down for a week or so, then come back to it and go over it for errors or stylistic things that can be improved. Never publish a fresh draft.

2506463

Yeah, I'll confess all actual grammar errors are likely my own fault. Since i've been typing this after college my concentration falters. Heck, I don't even remember posting it up. But still, thanks for all the honest advice.

2506463

Oops, quick querie, you mentioned em dashes. Can you elaborate?

2506651

Well, that's it right there. You would be surprised at how many problems you catch, just from self-editing after time has passed.

2506654

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Em-dash#Em_dash

Actually, you can probably learn about all punctuation from Wikipedia. It's drier than Eats, Shoots and Leaves, though.

2505348 I just want to throw a note out on "Unicorn".

Capitalizing this word, in this context, is pretty much a matter of preference. As Horse Voice says, under English rules it should not be capitalized. However, in context it refers to a race, not a species. In the real world, we do capitalize races and nationalities, so under this definition, it should be capitalized.

Best bet? Pick one (either to capitalize or not) and apply it consistently to all three races (unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies).


As to content, this is a very nice opener, and I'm looking forward to more. You haven't revealed much about how the mechanics of how magic works yet, but what you have is very intriguing. The setup feels very much like something out of traditional weird fiction, something we don't really get enough of in this community. I do recommend you find yourself a proofreader, though (or do as HV suggests and wait several days before doing it yourself). I'd also suggest reading it aloud when reviewing; your phrasing its awkward in some areas, and doing so has always helped me make sentences flow better. As I said, though; a very good start.

2506721

Oh wait, so the em dash is used to break a sentence if interupted?

2506934

I think i'll stick with lowercase, its simpler all around. And yes, I'm a VERY big fan of Lovecraft, Clive Barker and the like. I'd truthfull like to do both, anyone know someone I could ask for proof reading?

2506945

It's difficult to explain. If the Wiki article isn't clear enough, the book I recommended is your best bet. I wish I could explain it more clearly, but I'm not in the best way right now, and don't want to accidentally mislead you.

And rest assured, I am quite serious on the importance of punctuation. It's the first lesson when I tutor someone.

2507583

I know, I'm a stickler for it too. Which is why i'm not above sitting down for a lecture. Sadly the book will need to wait, as I am stone broke

2507706

Then you can do internet research on punctuation. When you've mastered it, ask me for more help, if you like.

2509394

I will, thanks for your help mate. It really is appreciated

Holy crap that ending.
i.imgur.com/gqLi6BA.gif
(I didn't get this gif for a while, then I understood)

That ending was glorious! :pinkiegasp:

Summer sun celebration

I’ve been in this room for a total of eight hours now, my assistant allowing me out of the chamber each hour for five minute intervals. This creature, this….beautiful design of evolution, it whispers things to me without ever moving its lips, without ever ushering breath. Names, places, even instructions for things I cannot comprehend! And sometimes random words I can find no source to. The Thames, Atlantic, R’lyeh, nuclear energy, all phrases that elude me.

It feels as if this creature has some great intelligence hidden away. I wish to lift its eyelids and gaze into whatever secrets the orbs hold. However…something in my heart tells me otherwise. There is something inherently wrong about this creature. I keep telling myself, telling Celestia that we should simply turn away and bury the abomination back under the crystal fields of the Empire. But to waste such a chance….

R’lyeh

No. Nonononononono! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!!!

“████████ said the thing was dead. We trusted him. He was right. But even a dead god can dream. A god — a real god — is a verb. Not some old mare with sun moving powers. It's a force. It warps reality just by being there. It doesn't have to want to. It doesn't have to think about it. It just does. That's what ████████ didn't get. Not until it was too late. The god's mind is gone but it still dreams. He knows now. He's tuned in on our dreams. If I close my eyes I can feel him. I can feel every one of us.”

Also:
newswatch.nationalgeographic.com/files/2011/05/DSC_0207-468x700.jpg

2739588

....What what what? Methinks it's not what you expect.

2739593 Aye fingz dat Millenium guy iz very very bad. In ah Fings Ya Humies Wure Nevah Meant Ta Knaw way.

2739648

Is that where that quote is from?

2739657 More or less. The quote itself is from Mass Effect 2. I just replaced a few words and edited out the name Chandra and replaced it with some SCP style censoring. Though I forgot to add this.

2739669

Lol (HUGS) if only I could remember how to block out text.

2739684 *chuckle* You and me both...

2739693

Then how did you do it

2739703 That was just some text-thingie I pulled from the SCP Foundtation website. I thought you meant blocking out text unless the cursor is on it. Derp?

2739707

Ah. NOW GO PASS AROUND MY STORY!

2739725 Yes, master...
*turns to story*
GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY YOUR VIEWS! I COMMAND YOU!!!

2739800 Master, what is that drawing of raised arms above one's head supposed to represent?

The angel on my right is saying something about a good plot twist.:moustache:

The devil on my left is chanting "Wake him up. Wake him up. Wake him up. Wake him up.":pinkiecrazy:

that last line scares the hell out of me

So wait.....is this a Lovecraftian Crossover or not?
I'm so confuzzled.....

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